Memoir of Joy

Words are my escape, but sometimes I am their prisoner.

[feelingepiphany]

November 1, 2025

It’s the first day of the month, and I decided to go out by myself. I planned to try another cafe near Zabarte to explore a new place, but after booking, I saw on their FB account that they were closed today because it’s a holiday. Instead, I told the driver to drop me off at Kai Mall and went to Stomping Grounds Cafe. This is my second time here, and I know it’s also a good place to be alone.

I tried their matcha for the first time, and it’s not bad, but not good either, lol. Their cheddar ensaymada is good though, and I like that it’s very affordable (only costs 50 pesos). I went here to read the book “I Want to Die but I Also Want to Eat Tteokbokki,” which I had stopped reading because the first pages were kind of heavy for me. I don’t know if I’m just absorbing the sadness and empathy through her stories and feelings, or if there are parts that I relate to but am denying those emotions. But today, I finally had the courage to start this book again.

I only read about 20 pages, then decided to write something. I had my pen and notebook with me, but suddenly my pen ran out of ink, so I decided to write on my iPad instead. Going back to the book, I feel like I have mixed feelings about the pages I finished. It feels comforting but still heavy at the same time. I felt sad reading the author’s view of herself because, at some point in my life, I also looked at myself the same way. I realized that we are really more harsh with ourselves compared to other people. We can easily say “it’s okay” to others when they do something disappointing during their unfortunate or vulnerable moments, but we harshly blame ourselves when we face the same thing.

I went back to read 2–3 more pages because I felt the need to add a more valuable message to what I’m writing so that people who read this will think that I’m someone who can write something with a deep lesson for them. (Because I suddenly thought of creating an account to post this kind of content about me.) But then I realized, what’s the real reason I’m writing this? Is that my purpose? I’m writing now to express myself and just be truthful about my feelings, whether people agree or not, or get something or nothing from it , because that’s really not my intention in the first place.

I love how, in the middle of this, there’s a reflection within me. Like how this line suddenly stood out:

“I think you tend to focus too much on your ideals and pressure yourself by thinking, I have to be this kind of person! Even when those ideals are, in fact, taken from someone else and not from your own thoughts and experiences.”

I just realized that sometimes we set certain ideals for ourselves and somehow pretend to be that person, even when that’s not our reality. Is it to please other people? Or to feel less bad about ourselves?

[feelingepiphany]

If my pillow could talk,

It would say all the words I need right now.

It witnessed all the silent cries,

And felt the pain behind my tears.

It held me through the difficult nights

When no one saw the fight inside

Soaked in whispers I couldn't share

But stayed with me anyway

[feelingepiphany]

A-lowkey-insult?

Have you ever been hit by a comment that wasn’t outright offensive, but still left you questioning yourself?

I call this a lowkey insult....?

Walking outside and ran into someone you knew. You smiled, and they asked, "What are you doing here? Are you already hungry?" then laughed.

It wasn’t a direct insult, but you couldn't help but wonder why that question, of all things.

Goofing around with friends, being silly, and accidentally sat on someone’s lap. They joked, "You don’t realize how heavy you are, do you?"

It wasn’t meant to be mean, but the sting was still there.

Or when complaining about being hungry, and someone told you to eat so you wouldn’t lose your figure—again, with a laugh.

Suddenly, your appetite was gone.

The worst part? These comments often come from those people who are vocal about hating body/appearance shaming.

While these insults are normally subtle and harmless, it could pile up

[feelingepiphany]

I hate and love the fact that I can only write when my heart bleeds

[feelingepiphany]

When you say hurtful things and expect me to just laugh it off, you call it maturity.

But when I get hurt, cry, and feel my emotions deeply, I am labeled as immature.

[feelingepiphany]

Why it's always "You're too sensitive" instead of "Your words are too insensitive."

[feelingepiphany]

The day when two lost souls found their own bodies.....

I am a lost soul,

and you were my body before.

You are a lost soul

and I used to be your body.

We are meant to be one

our soul and body are inseparable

my soul is yours

your body is mine

But we are just two souls with bodies — Looks complete, but a total mismatch

We are whole,

but never together

When the two souls depart

their own bodies are found

They became one with themselves

finally finding their match

[feelingepiphany]

Love me by loving yourself

[feelingepiphany]

Sometimes I wonder about how you think about me, how you talk behind me, how you walk without me and how you share me when you're happy or mad at me.

Sometimes I wonder about how I think about you, how I talk behind you, how I walk without you and how I share you when I am happy or mad about you.

Sometimes I ponder about how the two contradicts because when you hear mine, you'll reflect but when I hear yours I cry.

[feelingepiphany]

I look

in the mirror

and see

how

beautiful

I am

when

I cry

and that's

where

I understand

you.

[feelingepiphany]

I don't know if I should be happy or sad because I can't write poems lately where I mostly express my vulnerability and heavy soul within.

Am I feeling happier or more lost?

[feelingepiphany]

To all those who ruin my confidence and view of myself, thank you for teaching me to not be like you and to not let others feel what you make me feel.

[feelingepiphany]

I still don't get those people who don't understand the power of words to destroy. Making people uncomfortable and ruining their self-view and confidence with their utters. If called out, defend it with just a 'joke' and have the audacity to make the victim feel too dramatic and sensitive. It was supposed to be a joke, but why am I now under my bed crying?

[feelingepiphany]

Sometimes..

I want you to know

but I don't wanna talk

I don't wanna talk

but I want you to know

sometimes...

[feelingepiphany]

Dear self,

I know these days that you can't stop crying over things that you even don't understand. You easily get tired of easy things, mad at small things, and annoyed by silly jokes. You hate yourself more because you don't like what you are doing and feeling, and you start to invalidate your emotions. You don't like compliments because you feel that they are just trying to comfort you and seem like an act for you, but actually, they really do console you. I know you don't like how you look right now, and you always tend to compare yourself to others, wishing to be like them. You are frustrated with yourself and hating everything about you. I know all your breakdowns at night; I hear all your restrained cries and see your unsaid words. You are being too hard on yourself. Do you want to rest? I want to rest forever.

[wedarkacademia]

“She struggled with her sadness, but tried to conceal it, to divide it into smaller and smaller parts and scatter these in places she thought no one would find them.”

— Nicole Krauss

[leonardospoetry]

And if someday  the uncertainty of this world  becomes too overwhelming,  I hope you remember  that some mysteries  aren’t meant to be solved,  they’re meant  to be lived.