"I don't know where to start."
The line I'd always use every time you'd ask me if I was okay, or when you wanted me to explain why it upset me or why what you did was wrong, I realized I don't have to use it anymore since you've left. My mind has been a mess, but I couldn't shake this one thought out of my head since last night.
Maybe I can start with, when very early on you had asked me what were my hobbies. And I said I liked to write, but that I mostly wrote whenever I felt sad. And you told me that you hoped I shouldn't have to write anymore.
Although I know your intentions were good, I guess now when I look back that that was red flag number one. No one had ever told me that I shouldn't write. I know you meant it in a positive note, yet it led me down a spiral of toxicity I could never escape since.
I started to repress this big part of me, the one who feels in extremes and overthinks every little detail. Trying my best to fit into your standards but now I get that, I was losing myself trying to do so. And it wasn't healthy. Combine that with your pathological lies and empty promises, I forgot who I was at the end of it all.
The truth is, this is who I am. Something you could never understand. Everything you had handed to you, I had to earn through constant fighting. The only real struggle you've ever known was loss, which most of us have gone through. I'm not belittling it, but I guess not enough struggle has touched you, seeing as to how emotionally immature you were. Now that I think about it, the problems you complained about sounded petty, like being annoyed by certain attitudes was enough to ruin your mood. Like some of us have to deal with that kind of shit everyday. Or worse.
You admitted too yourself, that you took things for granted. All your privileges. All your blessings. And because of that, I was always the one who couldn't be happy enough for you. I'm sorry, but not to you. I'm done saying sorry to someone who could never understand, and turned every struggle and secret I had against me, to make me feel like being me was wrong. That because I lacked your privileges, I was unworthy.
But I'm not. What I was wrong in was, toning myself down to appease your ideal outlook on life. "Life is great," "It will get better," "Cheer up." "Cheer up." I hated hearing that the most, especially on nights when I couldn't get my depressed ass off the bathroom floor, and that was what you told me. "Yeah I know sigh." No you don't. You don't know.
Don't get me wrong, optimism is a quality virtue, but honestly you mindlessly speaking those words sounded more like naivety and insensitivity to me. Like fuck that, don't we all need to feel it? Feel the pain in all its entirety, let the numbness take over you before it subsides? But no, you expected me to bury it and switch back to 'your' mode the next day. You say you feel depressed, but that's not how depression works my friend. You live with that constant numbness, sure with distractions once in a while, but it's always there. Seeing how you reacted to hearing the ugly consequences of your own actions, you never could have understood.
I owe myself the biggest apology. For losing myself and forsaking who I was just to be disrespected over and over again. The love bombing, the narcissistic manipulation and lies, just so you could keep me around for longer. Because yes, I know you really wanted it to work, but deep down I knew that there was just something not working right. Preach to me about trust, when you were the one who kept lying and hiding people including her behind my back. The irony.
The lies turned me into an even more insecure person who was always second guessing each thing you told me but I chose to trust you all the way anyway, until you stabbed me in the back. I don't regret all the ways you tried to treat me well, but I know I should have been more wary of the wrongs you shielded underneath. It was at the end that I realized you weren't my friend. How could you say I was your best friend when the moment things didn't look good, you dragged strangers into the drama? I know hurting me wasn't your intention, but fuck intentions when actions say it all. And yours spoke volumes of how undeserving you were of me.
So I'll start with this. Acknowledging the loss which I am slowly getting back. Remembering all the love around me, the love I've received, and the love I deserve. And it's not this. It's not tolerating lies and disrespect for someone who can't even comprehend basic loyalty. It's not listening to pathetic excuses all in the name of love, when you can't even change a simple thing within your control. It's not associating myself with someone who thinks he's the shit now when you're someone I lowered my standards for and fed you with words until it glorified someone who wasn't all that great. It's not settling for less.
I know what I've had, and I know what I've lost, so safe to say that I don't regret losing you if it means I get to have myself back. I want more than just the typical love you offered me. If anything, it was my love that made you unique in my eyes. Otherwise, you were the most basic lover in my book.
So I will write. I will feel. I will do whatever I want. Whatever it takes to find myself again.
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