do you ever just sit and realize how insane people have acted towards you
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@feelslikesugar
do you ever just sit and realize how insane people have acted towards you
would you still like me even if i experienced emotions
Nevertheless,
None of them could ever compare to you.
whenever it hurts (someone loves you)
i know we can never talk like that again
but i hope you can hear me saying I Love You to you in my head all the time
Thank you for existing.
I hope life keeps finding ways to thank you for being here by treating you all the ways you’ve ever wished for.
apology
"I don't know where to start."
The line I'd always use every time you'd ask me if I was okay, or when you wanted me to explain why it upset me or why what you did was wrong, I realized I don't have to use it anymore since you've left. My mind has been a mess, but I couldn't shake this one thought out of my head since last night.
Maybe I can start with, when very early on you had asked me what were my hobbies. And I said I liked to write, but that I mostly wrote whenever I felt sad. And you told me that you hoped I shouldn't have to write anymore.
Although I know your intentions were good, I guess now when I look back that that was red flag number one. No one had ever told me that I shouldn't write. I know you meant it in a positive note, yet it led me down a spiral of toxicity I could never escape since.
I started to repress this big part of me, the one who feels in extremes and overthinks every little detail. Trying my best to fit into your standards but now I get that, I was losing myself trying to do so. And it wasn't healthy. Combine that with your pathological lies and empty promises, I forgot who I was at the end of it all.
The truth is, this is who I am. Something you could never understand. Everything you had handed to you, I had to earn through constant fighting. The only real struggle you've ever known was loss, which most of us have gone through. I'm not belittling it, but I guess not enough struggle has touched you, seeing as to how emotionally immature you were. Now that I think about it, the problems you complained about sounded petty, like being annoyed by certain attitudes was enough to ruin your mood. Like some of us have to deal with that kind of shit everyday. Or worse.
You admitted too yourself, that you took things for granted. All your privileges. All your blessings. And because of that, I was always the one who couldn't be happy enough for you. I'm sorry, but not to you. I'm done saying sorry to someone who could never understand, and turned every struggle and secret I had against me, to make me feel like being me was wrong. That because I lacked your privileges, I was unworthy.
But I'm not. What I was wrong in was, toning myself down to appease your ideal outlook on life. "Life is great," "It will get better," "Cheer up." "Cheer up." I hated hearing that the most, especially on nights when I couldn't get my depressed ass off the bathroom floor, and that was what you told me. "Yeah I know sigh." No you don't. You don't know.
Don't get me wrong, optimism is a quality virtue, but honestly you mindlessly speaking those words sounded more like naivety and insensitivity to me. Like fuck that, don't we all need to feel it? Feel the pain in all its entirety, let the numbness take over you before it subsides? But no, you expected me to bury it and switch back to 'your' mode the next day. You say you feel depressed, but that's not how depression works my friend. You live with that constant numbness, sure with distractions once in a while, but it's always there. Seeing how you reacted to hearing the ugly consequences of your own actions, you never could have understood.
I owe myself the biggest apology. For losing myself and forsaking who I was just to be disrespected over and over again. The love bombing, the narcissistic manipulation and lies, just so you could keep me around for longer. Because yes, I know you really wanted it to work, but deep down I knew that there was just something not working right. Preach to me about trust, when you were the one who kept lying and hiding people including her behind my back. The irony.
The lies turned me into an even more insecure person who was always second guessing each thing you told me but I chose to trust you all the way anyway, until you stabbed me in the back. I don't regret all the ways you tried to treat me well, but I know I should have been more wary of the wrongs you shielded underneath. It was at the end that I realized you weren't my friend. How could you say I was your best friend when the moment things didn't look good, you dragged strangers into the drama? I know hurting me wasn't your intention, but fuck intentions when actions say it all. And yours spoke volumes of how undeserving you were of me.
So I'll start with this. Acknowledging the loss which I am slowly getting back. Remembering all the love around me, the love I've received, and the love I deserve. And it's not this. It's not tolerating lies and disrespect for someone who can't even comprehend basic loyalty. It's not listening to pathetic excuses all in the name of love, when you can't even change a simple thing within your control. It's not associating myself with someone who thinks he's the shit now when you're someone I lowered my standards for and fed you with words until it glorified someone who wasn't all that great. It's not settling for less.
I know what I've had, and I know what I've lost, so safe to say that I don't regret losing you if it means I get to have myself back. I want more than just the typical love you offered me. If anything, it was my love that made you unique in my eyes. Otherwise, you were the most basic lover in my book.
So I will write. I will feel. I will do whatever I want. Whatever it takes to find myself again.
They Drive by Night (1940) dir Raoul Walsh
if i’m not the love of your life, i’ll be the greatest loss instead
- the sun and her flowers // rupi kaur
You couldn't even give me a straight answer.
Which itself, was an answer.
this thing you call love
You only said you never wanted to hurt me
Because you knew that what you were doing and were about to do
Was going to hurt me
But you did it anyway
And I let you wrong me
Over and over again
Like a fool
Because that was what you called
"Love."
you were the only one who could have destroyed me with one look, one touch. oh how long has it been.
"you could do better"
Now that I think about it, maybe you were right all along. I could have introduced you to them if I had wanted to. But the truth was, lie after lie, hurt after hurt, it made me question whether you were worth the effort because that shit was a big step for me.
"He expected you to do all that for him despite everything he kept doing to you? The audacity."
As much as I tried to convince myself that it was the other way around, honestly I could have done it if I had seen something in you. But I didn't. And now I'm glad that I held out on you in the end. Because you were right. You just weren't good enough. You never could have been.
No, I’m not mad at you anymore. I just don’t care. I liked you a lot and I thought that since you wanted to stay with me for months it meant you liked me too. But I guess you were just using me, and that part still hurts. Because I wanted to go on trips with you, I wanted you to come to game nights with my family, I wanted to live with you one day just the two of us, and I wanted to adopt a dog with you like we talked about, and I actually believed those things would happen. But then you threw everything away and didn’t even try to get it back. I gave you a chance to put everything behind us and go back to normal and you turned it down. I gave you a choice and you didn’t choose me, what was I supposed to do? I have to have a little more self-respect than that.
So I’m sorry if you thought the amount of loyalty I expected was too much and I’m sorry if you thought the level of honesty I felt I deserved was too high, but that just means we were on different pages and it was never going to work out anyway. I wanted more than you could give to me so we were just wasting each other’s time. So no, I’m not mad at you anymore, but I’m not accepting your apology either. And no, I don’t need an explanation from you, because I have no reason to believe anything you’ve ever said and I’m not going to start now. The only thing I still want to know is her name.
Do you ever hear an album or a song and are suddenly taken back to the time in your life when you first heard it? Or when you had it on repeat? Like you’re just going about your day, a playlist on in the background, you’ve probably even forgotten those old songs are in it. Then, the intro starts. For a moment, you might not even recognise it. There’s just a strange sense of familiarity in those first few bars. Then, you remember. And suddenly, you’re back there. Three months ago. Twelve months ago. Three years ago. Ten years ago. Whatever it may be. But you’re there. And you freeze. Time stops. For the length of the track. Or maybe just the chorus. For a time, you’re right back there. And it’s so real. You can see the faces of those you were with. You can hear their voices. Memories flood your mind, happy and sad. But you remember and you feel more than you ever thought you could. If only for the briefest of moments. And then, the track changes. And you continue your day, as though nothing happened.
took it personally because I never would’ve done it to you
//
Like two parallel lines
Meant to be close
But never together.