A guy’s biggest thrill is when he can delight his girl and really make her face light up. When he does something for you or buys you something – these are gifts he is presenting to you with the hope that his efforts will bring a gorgeous smile to your face that goes all the way up into your bright, beautiful eyes!
It is FUN to give to a woman who receives with joy. In fact, when a man sees that he can delight and please a woman, it becomes his mission to do even more things for her because he loves feeling like a success and loves feeling like he knows how to make her happy. A happy woman is the ultimate measure of a successful relationship in the eyes of most men.
It's been a week since Mr. S last saw me and had the pleasure of my company. That is what he gets for getting too comfortable and taking me for granted.
His messages now remind me of the messages he used to send when we were first dating and he was pursuing me. I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder, at least based on the preliminary results of this experiment.
Mr. S seems quite excited to see me tomorrow. Because it's been a while since he has spent time with me, the current phase of my experiment is about making the wait worth it.
In my studies and research I learned that for men to want to spend more time with you (and eventually commit to you), they must associate you with pleasure and not pressure.
Men feel that the world is already a battlefield. Toiling away at work, trying to make a certain income, the pressure to provide...all of this gets to them and when they get home or see their girlfriends the last thing they want to hear is Where have you been? Why haven't you called? When will you commit to me? Why hasn't the rubbish been taken out? Blahblahblah. Instead of being his refuge away from all his troubles in the world, she is another source of stress.
His dreamgirl is one who makes him feel like he's on a holiday vacation whenever he's with her. How do you feel when you think of a holiday you want to take? You long for it, dream of it, you save up for it, plan for it and so forth. That is what you must aim to be for him.
James Stewart, a classic Hollywood actor once said this about Grace Kelly: "[She] brought into my life as she brought into yours, a soft, warm light every time I saw her, and every time I saw her was a holiday of its own."
That is what true femininity is about.
There is a common belief that men are afraid of commitment. Actually, they only think they are afraid of it because throughout their lives and their relationships they have associated it with pressure, loss of freedom, loss of independence and so forth. From ex-girlfriends giving them ultimatums to mothers asking where they have been all night.
Experience is one of the hardest things to unlearn from. This is why people who have had bad experiences with religion are not very open about accepting an invitation to go to church. This is also why women who have had bad experiences with men generalise all men as pigs. People who grew up in broken families and witnessed their parents constantly fighting are reluctant to have families of their own or get married. Experience is so deeply ingrained in us and stay longer within us than anything we read in a textbook.
That is why most men who encounter most women pressuring them for exclusivity, a ring or what-have-you think they are scared of commitment.
But if they see and feel that being with you makes them feel free, happy, light and appreciated...then they will suddenly be begging to spend more time with you. You must be his dream holiday destination.
Okay, so tomorrow will be the first time Mr. S and I will see each other again. Some guidelines I am setting for myself to follow tomorrow are:
1. Be mysterious.
As I said before Mr. S and I have been seeing each other for a little over 6 months and we have both become quite comfortable. I am going to try to put some mystery back. After all, if we do get married or end up with one another he will have so much access to me for years and years on end. So why not enjoy and maintain the mystery while I can. Again, using the holiday metaphor, one of the reasons why the holiday is so enticing to you is because you want to learn about a new place or a new culture. It is exotic, mysterious, you've never been there before and that is why you want to go there so badly!
- Be ready before he arrives. That way, he cannot come inside my room, see all my stuff, and get comfortable. Nope! I intend to stay out in the kitchen, ready to go once he gets here.
- Keep answers to questions about how I am short and sweet and happy. Later on we can have lengthier conversations, maybe. He is my boyfriend after all and not a stranger at the bus stop. But when he first sees me, he can just take in my essence and femininity first and bask in finally being with me again.
- Be quiet (at first). Let him draw me out. Let him wonder what I am thinking, what I have been doing, etc. If I don't feel like answering a question, I will just smile serenely.
2. Look fantastic.
Remember, I made him wait a week to see me again, and he has explicitly said he is looking forward to seeing me. So why kill the anticipation and greet him in sweatpants? How will that encourage him to keep seeing you again? When a lady looks good, she feels good. That is why so many women have self-esteem issues...because many are insecure about their looks. Taking care of yourself physically is a way to take care of yourself internally too.
I already have my outfit ready. Since I am trying to be more feminine, I will be wearing a skirt! I will also wear heels (eek).
3. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate.
This is part of making him feel good when he is around you.
4. Smile.
The most beautiful girlfriend is a happy girlfriend.
Why Ultimatums Don't Work (From A Man's Perspective)
"Your lists of desires and qualifications, and your urgent timetable do not change a man’s gift into your “right”
Our hearts, our thoughts, our time, our energy, our money, our commitments, and our lifetime of hard work and sacrifices are all our gifts to the women we choose to give them to, when we choose to give those things to them. When women DEMAND any of these, we don’t want to give them away....
If you want the gift, you have to wait until it is handed to you. You can’t just pry it out of his hands and act like you already deserve it, and that he owes it to you. It is not your gift to give!
The more women want to speed-up their relationships, the more men will resist."
When a man sees something he wants and is of high value, he works hard to achieve it. Think of how hard he works for that raise, that promotion, that new car.
In order for your boyfriend to want to marry and commit to you, you must think of yourself as a goal for him to achieve, not a possession he already has. Why will he bother to lift a finger if you are already acting like a wife even if he hasn't earned that part of you yet?
I read somewhere that when we are in love, us women reward bad behaviour and punish good behaviour.
Example. You feel your boyfriend slipping away and losing interest. He does not call as much anymore, only asks to see you at the last minute, cancels dates, spends more time at work or with friends. So what do you do? You try harder, give him more attention, bake him cookies and bring it to work, give him more affection. You are rewarding his bad behaviour and showing that you do not value yourself enough to know that you deserve better treatment. Instead of depriving him of your love and affection...you are giving him more of it when he has not earned it!
For him to feel compelled to commit to you, be that prize he has to win, not a maid at his beck and call. Of course, this must all be done with a sweet, lovely, encouraging smile.
Liken yourself to a sweet, lovely gourmet cupcake that momma put on the highest shelf. Little mister is only allowed to have that cupcake if he has behaved properly and has been a good boy.
It's the gift of missing her, and hunger to see her again, which makes for sweet delicious chemistry every time my eyes feast upon hers and my hands caress hers.
Early this morning, Mr. S sent me a message saying how disappointed he was he didn't get to see me yesterday. (Woo! First thing on his mind when he woke up) He also got a big kick out of me going to an all-girls tea party. OMG. This femininity stuff works. I think there is something about men that kind of love the girlyness of women. He seemed to find it so adorable that I was going to a tea party instead of going on a date with him. It must be a whole girly, frilly world that men don't understand but find secretly cute. It is like those little male fantasies about girls' slumber parties and pillow fights.
Anyhow, I didn't respond.
I had to get started with my day and went on to cook my breakfast and prepare the dessert that I was bringing to the tea party. It wasn't until an hour later when I went back to my room to find I missed a call from Mr. S.
Oh men, you are so funny! The more we ignore you, the more you want us!
I called him back and what do you know, he finally pinned me down for actual, substantial plans four days in advance with a time and with a plan. And no meeting halfway, either. He suggested that he would come to my place to pick me up. Finally, Mr. S! Thank you for getting the hint, stepping up and treating me like a lady whose time you respect, instead of some buddy to hang out with whenever you feel like it. It didn't take you long either. :)
I am learning more and more how femininity, sweetness and unavailability actually draws men in closer to you. It helps that I am naturally sweet, nice and smile a lot. But this whole thing about being unavailable and busy seems to reel them in. I read in some blogs that it is not about being hard-to-get, it's about being high value. Because you know your value you don't lay down like a doormat and cater to all his demands.
Sherry Argov's books state that while most girls are thinking Where's my ring? Why won't you marry me? high value women think What's the advantage of having this guy around? Is he worthy of my time? The trick however is to emanate sweetness and vulnerability the whole time you are evaluating whether or not he is deserving of you.
It is not about playing games or being cold. It is about women harnessing their feminine energy to allow the man to be masculine: pursue her and prove whether or not he is mate material.
I don't know whether it has anything to do with my current femininity experiment, but I seem to have gained a new admirer from church. He gave me a little gift and told me he liked me. I took this to mean as a friend. He also sent a message to a friend of mine (I didn't give him my number) saying he liked me very much.
Whatever it is, it is always nice to know a person likes you (romantic or otherwise). It reinforces that people see the goodness within you, that you put people at ease and they enjoy your company; that encountering you makes them feel light and happy and good.
This experiment I am doing is not about trying to nab a ring. It is my effort to become the best woman I can possibly be by strengthening my femininity. One who is self-assured in my strengths as a female, one who is lovely and nice to everybody equally, and one who values herself and her life. That is something I will always have for myself, whether or not Mr. S is in my life.
***
Good Things:
1. Mr. S finally stepped up! I love a man with a plan.
2. I did not cancel on plans with others just to see Mr. S. I am focusing and enjoying my own life.
3. My home-made rocky road bars were a hit! Yay! First time I made those.
4. Honing and deepening female friendships.
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