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A listener sent an email to the podcast this week with a question that I found really difficult to answer. I had promised complete honesty, and I try to be a man of my word, so I answered it. Here is my response.

What do you want most out of life?

At first I thought this was a cop-out type of question. I thought wow, I’ve given you one chance for absolute honesty and you could’ve asked what happened with my marriage or why I left the church or who my love letters were to and you choose this?

Then I started to think about my honest answer and the gravity of the question hit me and I said to myself "ok you stop thinking about that now" and I went back to the John Lennox talk I was watching.

Anyway, I sat down this evening and drafted up an answer while trying to not let emotion overcome me.

Ever since I was young I wanted to be a dad. There’s a formative moment that I remember in which my friends and I had gone down to Jellybean pool (I actually think my favourite Kim in the world was there, your sister to clarify). We were moving from the entrance where the big set of stairs were, to the rock that people jump off to the right. There’s a bunch of terrain that is a bit tricky to get over, and there was a dad and his young son there. The dad had gone ahead to show the son how to navigate it and the son was really afraid and was having a bit of anxious panic. The dad didn’t go and get his son, pick him up and carry him over the rocks because he was frightened, he told him that he could do it and that he was right there. It took some encouraging and it took some convincing and some tears from the son, but eventually he took a step off where he was and there you go, he did it, and he hit the ground and his dad laughed and cheered and the son’s tears turned to laughter and joy. I was 16 at the time and I remember it just ripping me apart emotionally. There was a lot in that 3 minutes of action, you know. The decisions by each individual to shape an experience that was unforgettable at the very least for me, if not them, too. The safety the father provided. The resilience he instilled. The unwavering commitment to the lesson. It was really significant in my own development as a person and who I wanted to be.

This question is a hard one to answer because despite what people tell me, I think I may have missed this opportunity. I do not think I will be a father. I don’t want to speak negatively to it but I am a realist. It’s just how it is. So I have had to pivot what I want out of life. I think in essence, I want to be someone with a legacy. I want what I do in my life to affect people’s lives in a life changing way. I want something that I do to have the same effect that that dad and his son had on me when I was 16.

Richie was perhaps the most unlikable character in 'The Bear.' The second season gave him the emotional arc of self discovery he deserves.

love

I needed to read this today.

tenfortyfourpm.

I am in a constant state of either running towards or running away.

Why do I feel things so strongly? It does not feel like a gift. It feels more akin to a curse. Maybe I just do not understand it yet.

I need to write about vulnerability; but perhaps tonight is not the night.

At least no one reads my tumblr anymore.

#Youtube

an exodus.

Today was a heavy day.

Twin Peaks is a television show that affected me to my core so much that I could not continue watching it at first. I tried, put it down, and returned to it after 7 years. After that 7 years, I consumed some form of Twin Peaks content every single day. Today, I completed my sole purpose of flying to Washington State, and visited the filming locations of the show. This isn’t just a tv show to me - this show pulls at my psyche like nothing I’ve ever read, watched or imagined. It is tragic, it is hopeful. It is horrifying, and it is awe-inspiring. It is deep and it is funny. It is about evil, and it is about good. It is a collection of paradoxes that work together to create something so unbelievably and undeniably beautiful; like life itself. It is about trauma. It is about the power in breaking cycles. It is about sacrifice and redemption and absolute REFUSAL to be part of the evil that humanity is capable of.

It’s not about who killed a homecoming queen, it’s about who she was and why she died.

But the things I most connect with, is that it is about the misguided notion that one’s goodness and intentions can save someone, and the tragedy of a missed connection. The what-ifs.

Dale Cooper represents the goodness of humanity; or, I think more accurately, the goodness of man. Cooper reflects a purity of purpose. One that will have him always attempting to do what is right, to do what is honourable, to do what is good. Cooper's first purpose was to solve the murder of who killed Laura Palmer, but this transformed into trying to save Laura - perhaps through his own ambition and his own feelings and desires of being able to make a difference. Cooper has to come to terms with that he isn't quite good enough. Intentions aren't enough. He isn't rewarded with a happily-ever-after. Why should he be?

The image above is one that haunts me. As an audience, will never know what is being said to him. But that expression says a million words. I will be thinking about the missing information in this scene for a long, long, long time.

My exodus to this place was to close a cycle. There was a feeling in the very trees. I shed tears as the car I was in approached the mountains; the twin peaks. There is something spiritual about this place in the world. I cannot describe completely, but Lynch litters his work with religious imagery and symbolism. Angels to protect and guide us and demons to lead us to death and destruction. Duality is seen everywhere through the show and speaks to things we all have inside us. There are doppelgangers and shadow selves. Twin Peaks shows us that it is so important to know who you are.

Do I? I'm trying to.

I'm accepting that I still have none of the answers about life. And that perhaps I never will. Just like the ending of this show.

And all the other endings that leave me confused, sad and in mourning.

elevenfiftytwopm.

I am imperfect.

For months I have had a mental obsession with the idea of cycles. Of repeating patterns that draw you in and consume parts of yourself. Life as a mobius strip. I think in a sense, this is not too far from the truth. At least, for most. Something that I have been working on is to remove the negative parts that repeat, and to focus on the positive.

It is ironic, returning to this tumblr. This is almost a repetition in itself. A therapy. It has been for over a decade. And I have neglected it at times, not out of any conscious choice, but perhaps an inability to express myself. A paralysis. I am imperfect.

I am finding myself again. Again. Again. Again. In a lot of ways, it is a return, but in many others, it is an expedition. There is a marriage of both literal and figurative intertwining. Of mental and physical. I have rediscovered what home is. I am where I believe I was always supposed to be.

Things don't always have a reason. But heartbreak almost always seems to have a purpose. And you can always find beauty amidst the pain. I have learned a lot about myself over the past 12 months. I have learned a lot about what I value. About who I want to be. About who I can become. About my strengths and my passions. I have learnt with so much more clarity than ever before, who I am, and I think for the first time, in a long time, that I am proud of that person.

Music has saved me many times. Perhaps not entirely, but undeniably contributed. There is something that speaks to me through certain frequencies; I cannot explain it, and I can't ever seem to articulate what it is that affects my soul so deeply, but I am so glad it exists. I have been listening to music that uplifts me and makes me feel like life is worth living. I've been playing around with mixing software - something I haven't touched in years - and I considered not sharing because there's so many mistakes, but there's a clear theme to this entry: I am imperfect. This mix is not perfect, I made so many mistakes, but I don't give a shit. These are the tunes that helped to bring me out of the pit. "Find something that means everything to you now"

I am happy that I am still here.

Still fighting off my demons.

I am imperfect. But I am trying. My most sincere thank you to everyone who never gave up on me.

edit: hey i made a better one actually without mistakes

https://www.mixcloud.com/timothy-patrick3/rebirth-prog-house-mix/

fffightoffyourdemonsss

twelvetwentyfouram.

I’m deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.

eightohonepm.

No one else will know these lonely dreams No one else will know that part of me

I am not 23. I am almost 28.

For a very long time in my life I have felt often misunderstood. Many people that have had influence over me in some shape or another have tried to shape me in different ways, to curb the things they were uncomfortable with. It’s taken me a the better part of a quarter of a century to get to a place where I am finally comfortable with the person that I am. To get to a place where I appreciate the person that I am. And to find people who appreciate the person that I am.

I am very...careful? With who I let in. I know that I can be abrasive. I know that I can make people uncomfortable. I like doing that. I always have. I like people who can take a joke. I like people who can see through what that joking means.

In 23, Jim describes all the mistakes he made when he was 23 years old.

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time What are you hoping for?

He writes this with a mature wisdom. He had to go through some shit to get to his perspective today.

Amazing still it seems I'll be 23 I won't always love what I'll never have I won't always live in my regrets

There’s a shedding of childishness as we age. Sometimes not as much as we might like, but most of it is inevitable. Every single mistake I’ve made has led me to this day, the 10th of April, 2018, 2 days before my 28th birthday. I am grateful for what this day is. I am grateful for what tomorrow will be. I am grateful for the person that I am.

It was my turn to decide I knew this was our time No one else will have me like you do No one else will have me, only you

I am very, very careful about who I give parts of myself to. And I know that I have spoken about myself almost nonstop, but that is just smoke and mirrors. The truth behind all of this is that the people I have chosen to do so with are deserving of much more than I could ever be. Than I could ever hope to be.

However we got here, however we ended up here, I am so grateful that I have found you.

elevenelevenpm.

I can’t seem to shake the feeling that my mind is being haunted by ghosts. Circling through and in and out of each wrinkle and crease. I don’t believe in spirits but I believe in ghosts.

When it’s time to rest there’s no rest to be found. I can’t stop the thoughts jumping from one side of my head to the other. Memories of words spoken and unspoken.

Goodbye to sleep.

I’m trying to find peace but peace is dreaming.

I want to dream again.

talk some sense to me

sevenfiftysevenpm.

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat all day.

It kind of speaks to the things I have been thinking about recently and really I am just kind of writing down my emotions on this because the subject is too large for me to tackle philosophically.

There’s something that both fascinates and destroys me in tandem about the delicate frailty and potential fortitude of the human spirit.

I was watching a Peterson video and the interviewer asked him how he feels about changing lives, and he responded that 6 young men at his talk the night before had told him he had saved their lives and Peterson was visibly moved. The interviewer asked where that emotion was coming from and he responded

"Well it's sad that are so many people in that state of crisis ... and they don't need that much encouragement. It's sad it only takes that much encouragement to make a difference."

Regardless of how you feel about his politics, ethics, morals, statements or anything, there is an inherent painful beauty in his response. His tears fall, he takes a swig of his Mount Franklin and he gets back to the work that has seen at least half a dozen dead bodies resuscitated back to life.

This morning I was watching a psychology lecture for university and the professor spoke about how there is a school of thought that says not to shake hands with any patient because there could be some suffering with OCD and it could cause problems. The professor’s view was that symbolism is important, that a handshake has been used for centuries to show that I am not going to strike you, and you are not going to strike me, and that physical touch is an important part of healing, that the phobia is part of the maladjustment and the way to get over the phobia is by exposure. The undercurrent of this thought is that human beings are stronger than they give themselves credit for. That there is boldness and vigor buried deep within themselves to get through whatever it is that is holding them back from being the best version of themselves. That they can fight off their demons. That people care.

This song is about alcoholism, but it’s not really about alcoholism, it’s about pain.

(Empty handle with my tongue on the edge of a knife, make me young, make me numb, 'til my exit arrives)

A lot of the time I think I don’t care about a lot of people, but really it seems like I can’t help but care.

I keep seeing in my head a picture of a person with a broken leg and their brothers and sisters are carrying them.

Kind of like this

When our pain becomes too crippling it’s the people on our right and left who can lift us out of the pit we are in until we are nursed back to be able to fight.

I hate seeing the human spirit crushed.

I did a thing

onefiftynineam.

I am on the mend At least now I can say that I am trying And I hope you will forget things I still lack

For many years I had been keeping up with a celebrity gossip site that was basically calling out predatory behaviour by people within Hollywood. For example, everything that came out with Harvey Weinstein was already being talked about within this community for years. I follow it because it sickens me, and I hope to any god in existence that there’s justice for the child actors whose lives were ruined by the pedophiles in positions of power in Hollywood. You can watch the documentary, An Open Secret, here . Late last year, allegations were made against Jesse Lacey of Brand New for sexual misconduct, and more shockingly, misconduct with a minor. I was stunned, frankly. Then I was disgusted. Then heartbroken. This was my favourite band and my favourite lyricist. I didn’t really know how to react - was I supposed to remove all emotional ties that I had to this band? Was I supposed to blackout my fightoffyourdemons tattoo on my forearm? I didn’t know. There was a wrestling match going on between my mind and my heart and each blow hurt each of them equally. Jesse himself had posted an apology statement, citing sex addiction as the reason behind his cheating of his wife. Each paragraph he emphasized his cheating and his faults that have caused harm to others, he commends and thanks his wife, and finally promises repentance.

But in the weeks that followed I became aware of a group of people who had discovered some inconsistencies in the victims story, namely the timeline in which the alleged abuse had occurred. With this information, at the very LEAST it became possible that Jesse wasn’t a pedophile, like many of the scorned fan base were quick to name him as. Throughout Brand New’s musical chronology you can see the change in the band as people. Their debut album comes across as juvenile and narcissistic, and the themes change as the years grow older, in which The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me deals with themes of self-hatred, regret, repentance, striving to be better, and as I previously spoke about, responsibility for the hurt we cause on others.

This caused an ethical dilemma however, because it’s incredibly dangerous to doubt a story of a victim of sexual abuse. It’s by far the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. It’s a lifetime of pain. But there was just too much evidence to the contrary of the allegations to believe fully. Even this causes me a lot of grief. I often wonder if I’m just a victim of cognitive dissonance and belief perseverance, not wanting to accept that the creator of some of the most impactful, comforting and inspiring musical pieces of art could be capable of such inhumanity. But then I see some piece of writing on the internet talking about how it’s time to ditch Brand New because of what Jesse did and I get so frustrated with the amount of bloodlust for someone unproven of the things accused. I felt as Western society we were passed the Salem witch trials but all history is doomed to repeat itself I suppose.

I realised recently that this situation is yoked with my struggles with Christianity.

I was listening to Jordan Peterson speak with Joe Rogan, and he mentioned that he had looked into a biblical saying that hadn’t made much sense to him :-

the meek shall inherit the earth.

Dr. Peterson explained that the translation of this passage had been a little corrupted over time, and that the literal meaning was actually closer to

those who have swords, and know how to use them, but keep them sheathed, will inherit the earth.

This blew my mind, honestly. And it wasn’t the first time that Dr. Peterson had given me an “aha!” moment about something in the bible. He has done an entire lecture series on the bible, and he often uses the story of Cain and Abel as a real and legitimate warning to the pitfalls we have today.

So then it occurred to me that if we assume that God isn’t real, but that there are REAL and IMPORTANT lessons from the bible that are BENEFICIAL for us today, even if the bible is nothing more than ancient wisdom devoid of divinity, then we can also make the assumption that even if Jesse Lacey is guilty of everything he is accused of, it doesn’t mean that we have to throw out every REAL and IMPORTANT feelings that his creative outlet has evoked in us. The actions of one man don’t trump the lives that have been saved because of something that transcends barriers; music.

There’s a good chance I won’t ever know the lengths of Jesse’s guilt or innocence, and a good chance I won’t ever know whether or not there truly is a God, but one thing I do know is that if you don’t take in the beauty of the things that provide hope and LIGHT, your world is going to be pretty fucking dark, and that’s not a world I want to live in.

There’s already too much darkness. Fuck sexual assault.

#brand new #Jesse Lacey

onefourtyam.

In the last few years or so, my leisure time is usually taken up by either watching tv shows, twitch streams, or youtube content but for the last month it’s almost been exclusively listening to music. It’s reminiscent of when I was a teenager, and iPods had only just come out (I had a green, 4GB iPod mini), and I was never without one earpod in an ear and the other hanging out of the top my shirt (you put the cords under your shirt so they wouldnt get caught on stuff).

As I’ve talked about in my last few entries, I’ve been obsessively listening to TDAGARIM, but on top of that, I’ve found myself listening to bands from the 2000′s that I adored. It’s made me think about my (evidently circular) musical journey and all the artists that made a heavy impact on me.

Blink-182 was my favorite band until Tom ruined everything. I loved them since first hearing Dammit when I must have been seven years old. Enema of the State will forever be my most cherished album by them even though their Untitled is probably their best. Adam’s Song ruined me and will forever remain their magnum opus to me.

Blink-182 really was the foundation for my musical tastes. At 15 I fell in love with The Used’s I’m a Fake. This song blew my mind. You could incorporate spoken word into a song and ramp it up in intensity of language, tone and music? This was something I never saw coming and much to the ire of some of my friends and parents, I played this song to death.

At 16 I discovered Parkway Drive’s album, Killing with a Smile. The first song I heard was Mutiny. Every time this song starts I speak along with Jack Sparrow;

“ the deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers, and mutineers”

And then the distorted guitar comes in and your head just has to move up and down with the beat. I suddenly found myself enjoying metalcore. To this day I have seen Parkway Drive live more times than any other band, and I am pretty certain I have owned more of their shirts than any other as well. They were different. They were aggressive. They were fucking cool. And they were Australian??? I LOVE Parkway Drive. I once named my World of Warcraft character “Horizons” because that’s all I was listening to at the time (it’s original name was Passiveangst [cringe] because I was listening to A Perfect Circle’s “Passive” and From First to Last’s “Dear Diary my Teen Angst has a Body Count” album was laying on my desk).

I probably overdid the heavy music because after my foray into the heavier side of emo I went back to the acoustic ballads of Dashboard Confessional and The Spill Canvas. Remember to Breathe (link goes to the video I took late last year of me seeing them for the !!!!first!!!!! time) is one of the most emotionally charged breathtaking songs I’ve still ever heard to this day. On the literal level it’s simply about Chris’ thoughts getting ready for a date, but there’s an anguished tone in this song that to me speaks about the disgusting nature of vanity, narcissism, and focus on appearances. I think that’s why he’s been using this as a lead into his cover of Love Yourself in recent years. Chris has hands down (yup, enjoy that shitty pun) my favorite voice in the entire world and his music will always give me goosebumps.

Secret Oath is a song I never, ever ever get sick of. I must have had some sick fetish of unrequited love as a teen because I would listen to songs like this one so that I could be sad about the girl that I liked didn’t like me back. There’s an optimism in this one that I frankly never shared, but enjoyed the idea of sharing.

Tonight I made a secret oath To keep chasing after you And I am not going to stop Whether you like it or not

It might have actually been a good thing that I didn’t share in Nick’s optimism because thinking about it now those lines are pretty damn creepy, but the track made its’ mark on my heart nonetheless.

Around 2009 is when things took a detour. I heard P.O.S’ “Never Better” on Triple J one night and was shocked at how much I could love a hip-hop track instantly. Ironically, Stef started out in punk bands before moving into rap, which is probably why he uses real drum lines over sampled ones. I loved how politically charged it was. I loved how different it was to the commercial rap I was used to. Purexed was nothing short of perfection.

Instead of watching y'all count and lead sheep at the same time What's the science of that? I know that [shit] is sweet, but where the movement is at? We in that coma capital, spotless home team With hands steadily purexed but never quite clean

Dessa was a rapper part of P.O.S’ collective, Doomtree. I hadn’t heard a female rapper I’d been impressed with until I discovered Dessa. She has a track with Cecil Otter titled Last Call that is both depressing and beautiful at the same time.

Third time this week shes been to drown in drink (Drowning in) She was baptized in bourbon, She capsized for certain

Dessa is so incredibly talented and intelligent and I am looking forward to her album coming out very soon this year so badly.

2010 was when I didn’t just switch lanes with music, but turned off the highway and drove the car off a cliff and dove headfirst into the water below. I started to dig deeper and deeper into the weird and wonderful world of European trance music. What had always been a guilty pleasure was now an obsession. There has been a few songs in the past like Thursday’s Paris In Flames where you initially sort of tolerate the first part of the song in order to get the payoff of the screams and intense guitar riff at the end of the track that make the hairs on your skin stand on end. Eventually you appreciate and love every part of the song (or at least that’s how it was for me). That was basically what every trance track was. The way that it could produce dopamine and adrenaline in me was almost like a drug (hence the name). Armin van Buuren was an absolute god of all things trance. His track Breathe in Deep was so emotionally charged and uplifting and awe inspiring. It was music that made you feel like you could conquer your fears and live your dreams. It filled you with hope. You couldn’t help but put your arms up and surrender to the mesmerizing beat. Trance could take you on a journey of your emotions, and Space RockerZ Puzzle Piece (link takes you to my video of when I saw Armin play this in 2011, from exactly the same spot that I shot Dashboard Confessional in the earlier link) breaks your heart and then rebuilds it in front of your very eyes.

Without this Without you I don’t feel anything at all

This track is my favorite trance track of all time.

I have stuck with trance ever since, but the quality of productions has definitely decreased. This lead me to my recent interest in synthwave. I first heard The Midnight’s Jason on a twitch stream and my eyes almost popped out of their sockets. I HATE saxophone. But this is fucking AMAZING. I’ve always loved 80′s music (I was obviously born in the wrong decade) and this stuff sounded like that, but FULLER and CRISPER. And then I heard Sunset and that was it, I was done for, I was in love again. The screaming guitar notes, the pounding bass drum, the retro vocals, and the epic solo at 3:40 made me believe I had wings to fly.

And then, while cleaning up my room listening to Brand New, I found my folder of all my old CD’s and went to work finding all my old music again. Does this cycle repeat forever now? Because I haven’t stopped listening to my emo stuff since.

Music is so precious. I have memories associated with all these old songs that my brain will just conjure up as soon as the first note of the song is recognized by my head. It’s not so great for that unhealthy habit I have of revisiting the thoughts, memories and feelings of yesteryear but it’s powerful all the same.

EDIT: In my frazzled, tired state I missed two of the most important parts.

MewithoutYou’s Catch for us the Foxes saved my life at the beginning of 2009. Tie me up! untie me! was incredible to me. There was a guy singing about god, but it wasn’t about how good god was, but how miserable the singer was.

Tie me up! Untie me! All this wishing I was dead is getting old It's gettin' old! ... it goes on, but it's old

It was a display of vulnerability. It was almost a celebration of vulnerability. It was honest, raw, anguished, desperate, and I was all of these things together with it. For me, a guy who felt ostracized by the very skin I was inhabiting, listening to this album on repeat while playing bejeweled blitz in the wee hours of the morning, was everything I needed to keep me alive. In fact, it was with this album that this tumblr was born. My first post, November 10th, 2009.

The next thing that saved me life was Blink-182′s Neighborhoods . This album isn’t even that great, but it came into my life at the exact moment I needed it to. I remember that I was hurting beyond belief that night and I saw that it had leaked and immediately called Paul and told him. I was blasting Ghost on the Dancefloor in my headphones all night that night - it didn’t matter, I wasn’t sleeping anyway.

I, I saw your ghost tonight It fucking hurt like hell

Playlist here for all the tracks I used in this post.

twothirtyoneam.

This track by Paul Van Dyk is strikingly beautiful. Please listen to it.

Here I am again, late at night and thinking about how things used to be. This one is slightly different though. I’ve been thinking about this stuff for about a year now. I picked up the game Emily is Away which is essentially an instant message simulator. I found myself overcome with emotion while playing and it wasn’t because of the narrative within the game. As a teenager, there was something inherently wonderful about the simplicity of logging on to msn messenger in the evening and speaking to people, fostering friendships, developing existing ones, deepening solid ones. Even though you were multitasking at the time (finding the best html codes for your MySpace and searching through scene kids music lists to find new artists) your sole purpose was to be social when you were trapped at home because it was a school night.

If it wasn’t for msn messenger I wouldn’t have this girl as my friend today.

[Photo from 2005 because that’s the earliest I have]

In 2003 she was the cool girl and I was the weird kid (nothing has changed), but because she was so nice she talked to me on msn and we talked about how all of our best friends had abandoned us (it wasn’t that dramatic, their families had just moved away) and we bonded over this. Philippa (in hindsight, probably jokingly) declared that we should just be best friends and not abandon each other. “Sure I’ll be friends with you, cool girl” I probably thought.

14 years later and she is still the best friend I could have ever asked for. Patient, kind, generous, giving, loving, carefree, cheerful, energetic, compassionate, encouraging, but most of all, genuine. I am unworthy of the true friendship she has given to me.

They say that when you give someone a mask, you will see their true face, and while this is often used with negative connotations, it’s also true with wholesome ones. Everything that I have with Phil (and many others) was thanks to a black mirror and some keystrokes that provided just enough anonymity for us teenagers to ALLOW ourselves to be vulnerable and open up our hearts to each other and provide comfort, laughter, empathy, philosophy, theology, or simply just an ear. And it was because we wanted to. We longed for it.

Now we leave texts on read (or unread) because it might actually take some time to comprehend and respond to what had been written. Now we say “let’s catch up soon” or “I miss you” with the most genuine tone we can attempt to conjure up.

Now conversations are simulated in a fucking video game.

#emily is away #msn messenger #friendships #pea

onethirtyoneam.

My cat will often take naps on my bed, and when I go to pet her she will yawn and purr. If she hears a noise that startles her, her fur stands on end and her ears snap back and she opens her eyes wide. When she realises that everything will be ok she relaxes her body back over my arms and closes her eyes. She’s safe. That’s got to be a wonderful feeling and I think there’s much to say about that.

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