Fierce Existentialism

A Collection of Inner Monologues on Religion and Spirituality, Sadomasochism, Polyamory and What it Means to be Addicted to Chaos and Maintain Your Humanity.

[fierce-existentialism-blog]

Drained

The last few months have been a wild ride of emotion and wonder. Finally being able to accept real positive love in my life is... reeling. With practical matters and a busy schedule of social responsibilities, artistic endeavors, managing four lovers, and starting my new job recently and the next semester just around to begin next week. I’m drained. My emotional self has been glitching and I’ve really fucked up with people I care about. 

I don’t intend to do anything drastic, but I need to pace myself. I’m probably going to seem emotionally detached over the next few months in order to just keep things together. That being said, I do need to spend some time really figuring out what I want. I think I may need to spend time with G-d. I haven;t been focusing on developing that relationship and I think spiritual catharsis may be what I need right now. 

Not too long from now my Chavrusa will be back from Israel and I think with them at my side I will be less nervous about trying to venture this path alone. I think I’d like to reach out and find other spiritual pillars to help guide me, namely I need to find My Rabbi. Why can’t there be tinder for religious leaders and places of worship. Actually, knowing this day and age there probably is, or there is a Start-Up working on it right now. 

I’m tangenting. Regardless, life will be stressful but I have to focus. I have to succeed. I hope that I still have those I care about in the end. But I fear I will inevitably push them away.

Sigh.

-Rivkah

[fierce-existentialism-blog]

A Summary of My Orientation

Labels are a good tool to help you put a sense of meaning and validity to your feelings regarding identity. That being said what I am discussing is solely for the purposes of my own dissection of my own identity and my own personal benefit and those who find it interesting to get inside my head on this topic. 

I am Pansexual. I feel sexual attraction to people all across the gender spectrum. 

I am Homoflexible(?)- I hesitate to use this term considering I identify as non-binary. Objectively speaking I am more physically attracted to femme presenting people, though when it comes to emotional intimacy be it platonic or romantic I am really intimidated. 

I am Sapiosexual - Regardless of who you are we have to click on an intellectual level for the sex to be a thing. 

I am Polyamorous / Relationship Anarchist - I enter into and end relationships on my own without consulting a Primary or Anchor partner. I do not have any form of hierarchical categorization of long term partners. 

I am Quasi-romantic - Intense platonic connections and romantic attraction are virtually the same to me. I’m pretty much interested in most people until they say they just want to be friends and if they just want to be friends that’s cool. 

I am Non-Binary - I use gender queer and Non-binary pretty interchangeably. On rare occasions I’ll use gender fluid, but it’s not quite accurate. I’ll also joke about Schrodinger's gender in an attempt to help people understand that I’m Agender except when I’m not actively thinking about gender. Not that it’s a passive fluidity more that it doesn’t exist unless gender is on the brain which it generally won’t be unless brought up.

Thanks for listening. This will probably evolve. 

[fierce-existentialism-blog]

This last week was such a whirlwind of emotion and gratitude and I am face to face with the undoubted surreal nature of my life.To think a month ago I was barely able to accept that I had the amazing positive and shockingly devoted group of friends that I do, and now not only do I embrace that and protect them with the same devotion I have begun to let a more intimate kind of love back into my life. 

As someone on the aromantic spectrum (in addition to the Autism spectrum) it’s hard to really pinpoint how I fall in love. I know I’m not truey aromantic, I recently heard the term qausi-romantic at pride and perhaps that suits better as it falls somewhere in between demiromantic and grey-romantic. Even still with all these new labels and such to prescribe to the way my emotional intimacy - or lack there of - with partners works, I still wonder if maybe I am just afraid of attachment and that is all it is.

Attachment issues in relationships of all kinds has been something I have had to struggle with my entire life. And now... here I am. Accepting at least one great love into my life. I didn’t think I would ever be able to open up myself like this to someone ever again. And here he walks into my life. My Shadow, my Ari. 

Though a bit ridiculous at times, he is passionate and heartfelt. His unashamed romanticism not only towards his partners but all aspects of his life greatly reminds me of my father. They are also both huge drama queens and divas. So there is that. 

Besides him I have My Boy. I have never before felt this vaguely parental kind of protectiveness over someone. I need to protect him and guide him and also help him tone down the excitement at times. Even so... his brain has such a thirst for information and is able to provide me with just as much information too. It’s a shame our time will be cut short soon. He will be going back to the midwest for school in September but it is his last year so we will be together again soon enough. 

And then there is... gosh... I don’t know what to make of him. I thought I did in the beginning. It was exciting and fun and fiercely cognitive. And then... I got scared and busy. I let myself get lost in other lovers, friends, events and obligations and ignored this Potential. And now today after spending so much time with him and confronting how we felt. What we want. For a moment I had this fleeting thought that he served a similar purpose to me as I do for my Ari. But that it isn’t quite it. If My Ari is my partner in writing the narrative, and My Boy is the one I tell it to, then this is the man I perform with. I suppose he is my Muse.

I have opened my heart to love. I have three amazing partners. I am starting an adventure with a fourth and will update on that as it develops, but for now. 

My Shadow.

My Boy.

My Muse.

Know that I love you and how grateful I am to be a part of your lives and for you to be a part of mine.

-Rivkah

[fierce-existentialism-blog]

An Introduction

Recently life has become - for lack of a better or less cliche term... complicated. In only a matter of weeks I went from having a longing for closeness that I couldn’t quite describe to entering the life of someone with a darkness and chaos that rivals my own. And yet... as with myself. There is a shred of light. The capability of love and compassion. 

And now, here I sit, in his room - which is a complete disaster, not that I mind - staring at him as he sleeps. The other woman he loves, his Rani, has gone inside for some air. So I sit with him, my Lord, my Ari, my Mentor, my Master.

I notice how in this energy drained, sickness induced sleep one would not be able to recognize the sheer capability of darkness. The power I normally feel radiating off of him right now lies dormant. 

I am not his submissive. I am not his slave, much as I know there are parts of me that wish I could be that for him. We are equals and yet disoriented. There is power between the two of us but it is shared. 

It’s crazy to believe that in just a short amount of time I would have developed the kind of love I have for this man that I do now. 

Last night he asked me about my relationship with G-d, which I told him was complicated and still forming. I suppose you could say me and the Big Guy are still in the friend zone. I think it’s hard for him to accept that I am religious, let alone Jewish since he has such a stained experience with Faith.

My Chavrusa keeps pushing me to get back to Synagogue and focus on my conversion. I still need to find a Rabbi to sponsor me. I have half a mind to ask the one who I know is Queer and Kinky, considering I ran into him at Wicked Grounds. It would certainly make being open about aspects of my emotional and recreational life easier to talk about.

I also told him that I was Aromantic last night. This left him feeling, insecure. I could see him questioning my love for him on his face. I had to reassure him that I do feel love for him. I just do not feel romantic attraction to people. I can experience intense love but it is independent of the concept of romantic love. I have intense love for my Chavrusa/QPP in a similar way. They however are not in a partnership with me. I am in a partnership with my Ari. This is what allows those feelings to develop as intensely as they have. 

He asks me if I wasn’t romantically attracted to him why did I want to go out with him and pursue this. I was and am sexually attracted to him. I am Sapiosexual meaning I feel sexually stimulated by intellectual connection. The first moment I met him we were quipping back and forth and I was so enticed. 

The more I got to know him emotionally the more I realized how important he was and is to me. 

He said I love you first to me which was new. I said it back immediately. The bigger thing for me came later when I told him... “You are my best friend.”

He is my partner. So much connection and power lives between us and I cannot imagine my life with out him. 

Well I suppose I have brought you up to speed.

- Rivkah