Time for spontaneous writing again~!!
Ahhh, what to write about?
These past few weeks has been some really haaaaardcore software development efforts. And, surprisingly, I couldn’t imagine pushing through this hard versus back then. Maybe the toll of getting up in the morning doing 9-6 (Or 10-11 to 7-8 :DDD) company day job, 2-4 hour travel effort, short breaks and then work again until 2AM to 5AM for my side project, which is now my current and only work at the moment was just too much, that my effort before compare now feels the same stress.
I am finding that even though I have been grinding on solo work, and I have been learning a lot versus my experience IN a company, I feel and kinda expect that I should be improving writing code right now. Ahh, maybe I’m talking on the context of speed. But definitely, I’ve been getting more prudent and paper-plan-design before writing code. And that makes the development process’ speed at a stand-still. Just like the speed on how I was writing when there was less quality.
When I review my code, my facebook feed would be flooded with curses on how I am breaking my code for refactor because it was badly written. Like, fvck you man, I know we are on a tight schedule, but why’d you have to write code this way?? In any case, I have answered my question these past few days of “Why do I seem to be not improving on writing software?”. Coz, yes because you are becoming more prudent on not making your future-self curse what you would be writing. What a feeling would it be when you write code that you would thank yourself in the future for being manageable, easy to modify or designed flexible enough to withstand changes and extend your vacation and up your worry-free meters. Ahhh... what a dreamy feeling. Would that be possible? Well, HeadFirst brags about it. Nothing should be impossible. I know I’m no genius when it comes to software design and development, but I do hope that hardwork and perseverance could make up for it.
It has been good that piling works and pressures have been keeping unwanted thoughts at bay (at most?), but the mind is such a wild beast. To qoute from someone or an article I have read, there are only two things that is hard to control in this world: Diamonds and the Minds. Like, really, I haven’t experienced total control of the mind. And if these yoga junkies does indeed be able to control it, and I can totally who does it just for show and who gets improved composure on both the physical and the mental. I would really like to be able to master that one day. That would be nice, getting back on your douche mind that you are in control. And hence, as well be able to strongly-willed dismiss unwanted thoughts.
But for now, I still curse myself every morning when you hit my thoughts. At night when I got to sleep. Or just in the middle of the day, and I would get back to sipping the smokes (Sorry, I think I had just developed a dependency on the smokes. Sad.). Just to pump it out, and pump me up and do things that I need to do. If I had the choice to just sleep all this away, I would gladly would. But OMG, you wouldn’t want to wake up one day, have aged and had done nothing.
I don’t know If I’m ambitious. But sure one thing that can make me happy is dress my granny on white fab clothes. To get that senyora feel. Make her happy for the rest of her days, because she had been through so much. She has been there for me from the roughest of my times, encouraging me when I first tasted competitions and failures, biking us 5 boys to and from school each morning and afternoon during our elementary and even HS days! Taking care of us. Feeding us. My Lola is really the best. Sobrang babawian ko to si Lola.
Thinking of Cars and House and Lot seem like a common pattern. It doesnt excite me. It doesnt produce any weird chemical or emotions in me. Well, maybe fear. But I have this gut feeling that I can survive and get ‘em without planning. I feel like there are some other things out there waiting to be unfold that needs the greater effort from me. Materials, when you have the money, you can have it.
When I get to have the financial freedom, I would give my all on dancing. Give my all on teaching and inspiring the youth. To know that the World and Life they see today is a face of demand, of pre-processed patterns that you have to follow in order to gain success, and then that there are the likes of us that want to do something else but doesnt want to get wound up with these ‘common world patterns’. To travel the world. Alone and find myself on different situations and know myself better, on how do i genuinely respond, or how do I really like to respond to new things.
Having a partner now seem like buying yourself some endearing hand-cuffs. Most of your decisions are tied with the other person. Your personality is twisted and sharply bent to comply with the other, at least on compromise. Or on worse case, totally bent to make the other happy. Either way, you also learn this way. You know what makes you a not-so-happy decision. Selfish? But does living this life mean pleasing another?
It’s still fancy to think about doing things together with someone. Halcyon. Then would come the breaking points. It was good that I experience how it is to be with someone, bent for you, bent for the other until you become one piece.
Ever since that day I decided, I de-prioritized my personal interests. Smokes, liquors? That’s not vice. Those are pain-killers, anti-depressants. I dont fancy with them. I use them to continue on despite the struggle of doing double-time to make that new ‘Family’ dream I have set on my paper goals. I have a lot on my list, and you know how I fancy on placing my thoughts on papers, on lists. There are things that you dont like in there, and you know even If I dont tell it that I would want to continue on it. What am I saying? IDK. Im not also sure if a closure talk can help at this stage. That might mess things up more. I can only imagine myself getting on beast-mode. And you would get upset again. And I would get sorry again. See the pattern? Problem here is you get hyper mode on the onset. But what’s the point right? It would just be a waste of time. Nothing would be restored or healed or erased. A complete waste of effort. I can’t get back, and how crazy would you be too if you would want too right? You woudn’t. I know you a little too much. Or not? Coz there is still this question that baffles me.. maybe, this would be my last question for you. How were you able to show me this during our time and then exit with that contradictory action? But back again to the absolute question, would it matter? Nope. Nothings gonna get restored, healed or erased. It just happened. Hoping for a time machine would spell you disaster by not learning on mistakes, but stupidly trying to fix something with a wrong solution over and over again.
I guess I just suck at time management. To be asked what did I learn from the relationship, I still wouldnt have a clear answer. I have a lot of bad features to start with for the cause. What rings on my head is not to commit now until I am confident of being able to give them the sacred time they need. Or could it be the other way around, someone that would understand and embrace the parameters that I live in. Having a lot of things that I wanna do and completely understand me, cheer me on, encourage me to carry on and get on with my goal list seamlessly. Who knows?
As much as I wish that you could give the cold shoulders again, the hard times... coz I enjoyed them, as long as it was with you, but, It’s not possible now.
Dude, seriously, your wasting tumblr space again for her? You have been repeating over and over that this is useless yet you write paragraphs after paragraphs about it? Your dumb.
Okaaay~~ hahaha. How bout we go another topic? Started on #devBlues and ended with #herBlues. I can’t think of a parting topic though now. Let’s do another spontaneous talk again next time. And together we would discover how the mix of dumb and genius Joeffrey is composed of.
Seriously, I feel like a lot of bad rep would fly from this post, but who would care other than me. I would be re-reading this stuff again in the future, and see If i would be saying ‘Oh yes!’ or ‘Yea, still sucking at the moment.’
Until then, let’s fight and hope for a happy and good future! Nothing sucks dying without having a great or super happy moment that you were able to do while you were living. :)
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