Freak

nothing special here

[fightagainstthoughts]

[fightagainstthoughts]

I’m hiding behind a laugh, I’m scared of showing myself. What if I’m not enough again? My tears lie beneath my gaze, and I can’t even look at you…

How can I meet the colour of your spirit when I can’t even look at myself in the mirror?

How can I let your soul reflect into mine when I feel dirty from all the heavy steps that have shattered my soul?

You can see all my scars, but you’re just a kind soul passing by. I wish you would stay.

I almost touched you, but my feet are stuck to the ground. I choose to drown myself.

I wish I were better. I wish I were healed.

Please, don’t go away.. Be kind with me.. And stay..

[fightagainstthoughts]

I'm sick..

My soul is sick..

My body is sick..

And I don't find a cure for myself

I'm afraid I will die

Unseen, unloved, untouched, not cared enough..

I'm afraid, I will starve for love

I'm afraid I will die in a cold bed

An empty house

And not even a sight..

I am afraid, that nobody will call my name

Nobody will call me "honey"

Nobody will call me "mom"..

I won't be not even a grandma..

But I wish that in this life, before I'll leave

There would be a chance, that a small body

A kind and warm heart

But a pretty, small face

And a cute childish laugh

Will call me, as I'm starving in hope

Their "auntie"..

I hope I have enough time to reach those days,

Cause I already feel I'm dying, the pain is burning through my chest..

It's so cold, it's so quiet..

The sharp fog is cutting through my breast

I don't want to live with your crumbles, I don't want to live with you in my head..

I'd rather kill myself, than waiting to be your best..

[fightagainstthoughts]

I had a great day, but it rained a little in the evening on the way home

I'm sad, but it's not ruining my day,

It's just an ending with a human note

These are parts of me that I'm not trying to get rid away

My heart, my soul, my nostalgia, vulnerability, my pain

I feel them, I'm getting closer to myself.

That safety in bed, that feeling of “home” when he held me in his arms… is something worth keeping in my heart. Not as a hope, but as a memory.

It was real.

It touched me.

It made me smile.

It made me warm inside.

No one can take that away from me.

And I leave room for sadness

Because my sadness says something very true and very beautiful: “I deserve to be truly seen.”

I don’t cry for him. I cry for what I didn’t get, even though I deserved it.

It’s a colossal difference.

[fightagainstthoughts]

I was let down too many times

Dropped to the floor

On purpose.

I can't trust anymore, I can't find a good person

I closed up, I closed the door..

And I don't want people to climb my walls

I want someone to knock at the door

And be patient enough

Until I open up..

I'm not talking, I'm not feeling,

I don't look, I don't chase, I don't approach

I'm buried, I buried my entire soul

I don't want to go out, I don't want to be sold..

I don't think I will find love anymore, but I'm fine

I have me

And that's enough.

[fightagainstthoughts]

Closeness feels so unsafe..

[fightagainstthoughts]

Despre dorul fără nume

Nu ești aici, nici nu știu unde ai fi

Nu știu cine ești, sau ce ești, ce vei fi,

Știu doar că nu te pot simți..

Ceva lipsește, e un gol

Nemărginit din prezență îmi lipsești

Dar în suflet, te regăsesc

Ești acolo, dar glasul nu te poate striga

Ești acolo, dar privirea-mi nu mi te găsește

Te-aș atinge, dar ești de atins?

Știu doar că nu mi te-ai stins

Ești undeva, acolo, în iubire

Și în piept simt că îmi bați

Ființa mea știe, că încă nu ai plecat.

Ai rămas tot acolo, undeva, într-un colț

Mă învârt în cerc și în cer și înapoi

Inima mea nu are voce, dar te cheamă

Necontenit în viața asta amară,

În sufletul meu e pustiu, o stație din care doar se coboară..

Mă îndrept spre tine, te invit, vreau să vorbim

Dar tu nu știi că nu am să mai fiu?

Când vei veni? În care viață? În care țară?

Al meu spirit nu vrea să piară..

Dă-mi o tihnă, din iubirea ta

Ca să mai pot duce din viața asta grea.

[mournfulroses]

Franz Kafka, from a letter to Milena Jesenka featured in "Letters to Milena,

[thehopefulquotes]

“If someone treats you badly recognize that there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people do not go around destroying other people.”

— Unknown

[fightagainstthoughts]

The lover girl in me is dead.

[remanence-of-love]

[fightagainstthoughts]

My tears are for no reason

They don't matter to you

My whole self doesn't matter, it was just something to be

But someone else can be too..

I buried my love, the one I never showed

I can't allow myself to be vulnerable, not again

I will hide, no one can love me..

I'm just something to be, just someone there

Never mind, I don't matter anyway

I'm just tired, in this echo of a mind of mine..

[qvotext]

It may have been in pieces, but I gave you the best of me.

Jim Morrison

[fightagainstthoughts]

Astăzi nu cer să uit.

Nici să nu mai doară.

Cer doar puterea să respir,

și să nu mă mai pierd în ceea ce nu mă iubește.

Îmi așez durerea ca pe o floare grea în piept

și merg mai departe, cu pași mici,

dar cu mine întreagă.

Aleg să nu-l mai aștept pe cel care nu vine,

și să nu mă mai frâng pentru cel care n-a știut să mă țină.

Astăzi sunt rănită, dar sunt în viață.

Și asta e destul. Deocamdată.

[fightagainstthoughts]

It's awkward, how careless people are

Nothing touches them, nothing changes them

Only the surface is important, nothing what I came with

I left my baggage at the door, entered that empty heart

I wish I could build something there, but every wind would take it

The walls are so cold, I can feel the freezing

There's no fire in your heart that could warm me..

So I left, your doorframe didn't even notice

It was an empty place for me, because there was someone who had already taken it

They took even the smallest crumble

Of love

Oh, I wish I were loved.

[fightagainstthoughts]

My wounds are not bleeding

But they're not healed either

They're just existing, into this void heart of mine.

The wind is tickling them, reminding me nobody's looking for them.

I just caressed myself, hoping my body will no longer feel alone,

Cause my heart is hidden too deep in this cage named 'myself', I can't touch it.

Just some bones.. And flesh, who are growing older and older. This surface of mine doesn't belong to me, it belongs to the earth.

My soul, my spirit are just ephemeral in these times, where you can barely breathe, because they already stole our air

That was once

Just as pure

As my soul.

[fightagainstthoughts]

My solitude

It's just a voice

Echoing in my mind

"Who could ever love you?"..