#hopelessness

[prollypessimist]

got invited to a birthday party. no hopes but i'll try to have fun.

[thecaffineshake]

Little bit that I might write out just to make it make sense: Two people, I'll call them Mary and Zach, and they're in love with each other, yada yada, but Mary had to move away and they didn't keep in touch. Mary always fantasized about getting to see him again and what she'd say. Gotta make a good second impression, of course. Years later and Mary is visiting town again. She's walking through the Grocery store when they see each other, and Mary falls to the floor right then and there in crippling pain because he's literally so beautiful and she loves him so much it hurts. She's clutching her chest, trying to calm her beating heart because she's gotta say the line. She'd look up to see Zach looking down at her with concern and care in his eyes and it's too much; she passes out.

After that, she'd probably be taken to the hospital, and Zach wouldn't be there because he's convinced he's hallucinating the love of his life. However, he left his phone number just in case, and an hour later it rings. Or maybe that's too hopeful?

[withinsight-motivation]

[return-to-the-stars]

Life can be quite magical, but it's also full of pain. The human experience is different for everyone. Some are luckier than others, and some appear to be better off than the next. Appearances are deceiving. Some people who appear the happiest or seem like they're well off hold things inside that you wouldn't expect, things they don't really talk about.

I always knew I was different. I just tried not to be. I tried to mask. I tried to fit in, and sometimes I camouflaged very well, a chameleon soul, as Lana Del Rey describes it. I always felt on the outside though. Maybe it's my fault. There were parts of myself that I didn't want others to see, and other parts that I didn't really understand myself at the time. I still don't entirely understand myself. Some seemed closer to me than others, but they didn't really know me. They knew some of my interests and maybe my birthday, but that was really the extent of it. My slight attempts to open up didn't really go well. I was dismissed, or they didn't really care. They didn't ask. I often didn't trust most people to open up to anyway. No one noticed the details. I had one friend who did. She didn't pry though. She had enough on her plate as it was. Well, one of my brothers did as well, but I guess we get wrapped up in life. I'm guilty of that. He's lost his patience with me anyway, and he's probably relieved that I'm not his problem anymore.

I've always felt like a problem. And it's very seldom that I feel appreciated. Maybe I'm just numb to the little appreciation that I get. I just feel used, really. I'm like a toy that's really intriguing in the begining that you eventually get bored of. Then it's discarded or put in a box that gets forgotten about in the basement. The basement ends up flooding, and instead of cleaning it off you throw it away. Cleaning would be too much work.

Friendships were fleeting and mostly surface level, or they weren't really friends at all. I have a bad habit of accepting poor treatment or the bare minimum. That's mostly what I'm used to. Some of the people that I've loved the most have hurt me quite deeply, or they continue to do so, what little people in my life that I have left. I also unintentionally push people away, often without realizing it. I'm so caught up in survival that reaching out gets pushed to the back burner. Who would understand or who would I trust to reach out to anyway. People just end up hurting me one way or another. I've also hurt people, and that weighs very heavily on me. I don't know how to forgive myself.

One thing that I'm becoming increasingly more certain of is that I've always been in another world at times, different worlds really. Some light and some eerily dark. Both now feel like home. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore, especially because I know that light follows it. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that I'm not entirely human. Something otherworldly resides inside of me, or somethings. Maybe it's not inside of me; maybe it's just with me, but it's always been there. I just didn't give it much attention until recently. God and I talk about it amongst other things. I ask them all kinds of things, and God finds many ways to answer me or bring things to my attention. My lot in life is heavy because part of me is human. Humans are frail. Our bodies eventually give out, even quicker if not nurtured in the proper environment. I can feel myself slipping, my body straining. It may give out before I reach where I want to be, but I'm not entirely sure where that is anymore. Nowhere seems safe. I'm safe, but it's not peaceful. My body stays on edge. My nervous system can't calm down. It makes my chest hurt. I've lost count of how many days that I've had consecutive chest pain and pressure. It's becoming too much. Existing is becoming too much. I've been trying to hold on because I know that when I leave, someone will have to take my place. It's very possible that they will have to endure the same loneliness and abuse. They probably already are. God has backup plans. They're calculated, strategic, and I still haven't figured everything out myself. I haven't had the peace to. I want to know what I was made for, but I feel like I may not figure out what that is. Many don't figure it out before they pass on leaving their footprint on the world. Some aren't noticed at all, not by humans anyway.

I do know that there are many paths I can take, but I know God understands if I choose to take none of them, in other words, if I can't hold on long enough until I reach the doorway. There's a door that I feel like they want me to go through; but I'm scared, and I'm not sure if it's even open. I second guess myself a lot. It's a result of what life has done to me. I want to go through the door. I've been there before several years ago. Despite my life prior, it was the most painful door, and I had to walk away from it. I didn't want to. I want the door to be safe, not perfect, but accepting and loving. I want to apologize to what lies beyond, but I second guess everything about my existence. What lies beyond the door was my greatest love. A love that slipped through my fingers much like everything else. I saw myself in them. The outcome added to my belief that I ruin everything that I touch. I can't have anything that stays, but that's just life, right?

I buried that love so deep that I didn't even know it was there anymore, until it came back. Now it won't leave. As much as I try I can't move on. It's like a tattoo on my heart that cannot be removed. I never wanted it removed in the first place. I can't bury it like I used to. Nothing else feels right. Nothing else can penetrate. It just feels wrong, and I'm tired of playing pretend. I'm no longer blinded in that aspect. I can't unsee, or undo what I feel. I spent way too much time sorting through confusion. It's the only thing that continued to resurface and stayed. I'm no longer confused, but I'm heartbroken. I feel unwanted, and I certainly don't want to get my hopes up. So I sit in emotional purgatory. I'm tired of wanting what doesn't want me back. In my spirit I feel a pull, but I don't trust myself anymore. Everything reminds me of them. This isn't the Titanic where I move on, have a family, and still reminisce. I don't feel like I can move on, and it's breaking me slowly day by day. I know there are other doors, but I don't think they would compare. They wouldn't feel the same. Maybe something would change my mind, but I highly doubt it.

I want them to want me, but only me. I want things to be different. I want to start over. I want to go home. I'm probably fooling myself. Nothing has truly felt like home, but for a little while, he was the closest thing to it. There is my ultimate home though. My true home. Part of me feels like I'll make it there sooner than expected. I've been prevented several times. If I change my mind it could be prevented. However, ask and you shall recieve. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened. I've been knocking for a long time, and sometimes it's knocked back. As of now, I can't stop knocking. It's the only place I feel like I have to go. I want to be at peace. I'm so tired.

I'll elaborate on individual topics later. This is becoming one of my usual cases of word vomit. There's a bunch of separate chunks just thrown together, not uniform.

Here's your introduction to my brain.

[coffeeislifeyo]

Humanity is stained

Every day I am confronted with the horrific reality on this earth.

No empathy

No accountability

No responsibility

No love

Nothing but corruption, greed and malevolence from people who watch from safety

All against children. The innocent do not deserve this. And what they become is a making of the privileged. You are responsible for these atrocities against humanity. You are complacent.

You watch the oppressors rejoice in their crusade. All while the children suffer.. and die. Those that don’t will resist. And you will name them terrorists. Was it not you who terrorised them?

This is not humanity. This is barbaric.

[hedonisticbydesign]

got big weekend plans (peeing in a cup and throwing it at people who annoy me)

[daviddavi09]

Why You Feel Anxious, Overwhelmed, and Hopeless as a Premed #shorts

Premed students feel anxious, overwhelmed, and hopeless when it feels like their effort won’t lead to the outcome they want. In those moments, working toward goals can start to feel pointless, which leads many students to quit on their dreams.