There is always hope

Just a collection of clouds and quotes, thoughts and feelings, hope and pain.

[finallyalive]

You were home. Just for a while, you were home. Now thinking about you feels like I’m homeless.. again

[finallyalive]

Day 6 of no contact

It’s been a week since I last saw you. A week since you broke my heart and shattered my soul in the worst kind of way. Today I’m over at my friends house and I’m going to sleep alone. Again. But it doesn’t bother me. It’s better to be alone than with someone who so clearly could never love me in the way I deserve

[finallyalive]

Day 4 of no Contact.

Your absence means silence.

But the silence means peace.

[finallyalive]

Day 1 of no contact

Yesterday you left me. Again. And today i have to erease the plans we made from my notebook. Its your dads birthday today. I was supposed to be there. Now I'm not and i know everyone will ask you why. And you'll say ''cause' she doesn't deserve to'.

[finallyalive]

Can’t believe it’s the third time on this page I write about my broken heart. Three people, three totally different people. Three people who claimed to love me, but none of them ever loves me in the way I needed. They’ve hurt me. And I’ve hurt them of course. I’m not a saint. But also I’m not the devil.

They’ve hurt me and they’re ruined me, each of them in a unique and special way.

I just wonder, will I EVER meet someone and be truly happy for longer then a couple of months? Will there EVER be a person, who’s really interested in who I’am as a person?

[finallyalive]

Es geht mir gut. Ich weiß nicht wie lange ich es noch aushalte. Ich bin gestern 10 Kilometer gelaufen. Ich esse nicht genug. Die Uni läuft toll. Mein Vater ist im Krankenhaus. Mein neuer Job startet bald. Ich hab Angst meine Oma zu verlieren. Ich habe ein Stipendium. Ich habe mich noch immer nicht verstanden

[finallyalive]

Am Ende hätte ich nicht hier sein sollen, dieser Weg war nicht für mich bestimmt, er hätte mir verwehrt bleiben sollen.

Von jüngsten Jahren an, bekam ich zu hören, dass ich nicht gut genug sei, nicht intelligent, clever oder fleißig genug.

Weder mein Elternhaus, noch irgendeine gutmütige Lehrkraft hat mich je dazu bewegt, mehr aus mir machen zu wollen oder gar an mich selbst zu glauben.

Deshalb mussten auf meinem Weg all diese Umwege stattfinden, dass ich heute hier bin, dass ich studieren darf, dass ich Abitur habe, das habe ich ein paar glücklichen Umständen, aber hauptsächlich mir selbst zu verdanken.

Niemand versteht, warum es für mich so besonders ist hier zu sein.

Ich bin der blinde Fleck im System, die die nicht hätte hier sein sollen- doch ich bin es, ich bin hier.

[finallyalive]

I wonder what you are doing, what you are thinking when you see one of my rare stories. When I see, that you saw them I ask myself many questions.

It starts from

how you doing?

Is your grandma still alive?

over

do you still live in the town that never changes?

are you still with the girl you’ve chosen over me?

to

don’t you think that our souls were never meant to be apart?

don’t you think that we were meant to be something?

I wonder if I ever see you again.

[finallyalive]

15/03/2022

feels like I’m torn between letting go and holding on. Deep down I know that there is no future for us, and if you stay we have to face it. When you leave everything will fall into place.

I don’t want you to leave but I need you to.

I still can not trust, but I learned the hard way that you can’t be the person to teach me

[finallyalive]

One day there will be a person in my life who will be nothing but proud to have me as a girlfriend and who won’t ever try to hide me from the world.

[finallyalive]

01/03/2022

I realized that the kind of loneliness I feel has nothing to do with the people around me.

I know great people, loving and encouraging.

The loneliness I feel from time to time comes from deeper within, it’s like something fundamental is missing, a part of me, I’m not even sure exist.

If it exists im sure it’s shaped like the mother I never had

[finallyalive]

23/02/2022

still here still wondering, so many plans. Always doing something, always on the run, never time. Trying to enjoy the little moments, it’s not a bad life, right?

[finallyalive]

Du warst da -

bis du es nicht mehr warst.

Wir waren wir -

bis ich wieder alleine war.

Immer in Angst gelebt, dich zu verlieren-

das erste Mal geatmet, als du weg warst.

Keine Angst mehr

und nichts mehr zu verlieren.

Es ging weiter

ohne dich

natürlich.

Aber anders.

[finallyalive]

Morgens um 10

ich falle ins Bett

hab mal wieder die Nacht

verbracht

mit irgendwem der nichts weiß

über mich

über dich

über uns.

Mein Kopf dröhnt,

bin wie gelähmt

betäubt

aber jede Aktion von mir

trägt deinen Namen in sich.

[finallyalive]

Here I’am, after everything after all we had

All alone smoking a cigarette

Forgetting my lighter in the bed of a guy who doesn’t even know my last name

The problem isn’t just that I don’t know you anymore

I don’t know myself anymore as well

I never thought you could leave so easily

[finallyalive]

On days like this, selfcare only means heating myself up some food after barley eating all day. Making a cup of tea and sitting in bed reading quotes from people who are better at putting my feelings into words than I’am

[finallyalive]

There is the heaviness again. Not all of it but a part of it. Sitting on my shoulders, resting in my head, telling me things are heavy and difficult and the future dark and complicated. Telling me I’m not loved and that I’m lost somehow and that I’ll never find my place in life. I’m want to find my place so bad, I’m afraid things are getting bad again, I’m afraid of losing myself again.

I‘m not sure if I’m ready to be committed to someone new. I’m still thinking about the past, about the way things ended and about how badly I want to know if he still misses me from time to time.

Life right now is so complicated and I’m afraid it’s never going to get any better