THE DAY I STOPPED RESTRICTING

ED RECOVERY

[finallyrestrictionfree]

1 year update

Yesterday whilst drinking after the companys xmas dinner a friend told me how chubby i had gotten. 

He meant no harm, he compimented my cute big cheeks and big bum, he said it with love. And although i don’t appriaciate body comments for good or for bad, this was the first time it did not affect me one bit. I simply kept laughting, drinking and making fun of my own big butt, which i now a days I much appriaciate. 

Only two years ago, on the culprit of my eating disorter a friend of my ex boyfriend told me i had gained weight and that i should diet. He did mean harm, there was no love in his words, but only judgment. I had a panick attack, and spend 2 weeks crying. 

I hated him after that, to be honest i’ve always thought he is a horrible human beeing, still do today, but thats not the story here. 

Love or no love in those words, it finally doesnt affect me, I couldn’t care less. 

This is the first time i am  not fit, maybe a little bit bigger and i LOVE the heck out of myself. 

I love me for who I am, and I love my body no matter the shape, or size.

I’m even going to say i FORGIVE you asshole. 

I am finally free of the cage that i built myself. 

[finallyrestrictionfree]

It seems like the bloating is going away, I’m eating more than ever and I feel amazing.

My hunger cues seem to be normalizing themselves. Very often I’m not able to finish my food whereas before I never felt full or hungry.

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Breakfast and dinner, I was too hungry at lunch time so I didn’t snap it

[finallyrestrictionfree]

I have never eaten this much and I have never felt this good.

Here are some of yesterday’s eats

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Yes guys, the bottom is filled with rice!!!!!!

And desert!

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Not the prettiest, it was yum

I haven’t been posting because I have been struggling a lot...

I had a slip last Thursday and it broke me.

[finallyrestrictionfree]

I cancelled my plans because I didn’t feel good in my body.

It feels like I’m moving backwards

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Currently having a crisis, my clothes are too small and I feel horrible in absolutely everything. 

My therapist and I agreed that I would not try several clothes on and I would stick to the first option so I wouldn't body check. 

I’m going to the cinema with my friends to see the rocky horror picture show  and I have an impulse to cancel. But I promised myself I wouldn't cancel plans because of my ED and I won't. I am stronger than that and I know I'm going to feel better afterwards. 

I’m just putting yoga clothes on and a baggy sweatshirt and I'm going to push myself. 

I try to tell myself that I am lovable at any size. but what about me loving myself... ? I am trying to love every bit of my body but I feel swollen and fat. 

I am trying to smile at every little thing but not feeling good about my body really triggers me.

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Not afraid of pasta no more

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Last night after dinner, I had a bowl of cereal. Which used to be one of my binge foods. I would never buy it because I was afraid to eat the entire box. For the first time I didn’t feel guilty for eating it! And I only had one bowl!

Before I had this fear that every time I would eat late at night I would wake up completely swollen and fat.

Well guess what! I woke up feeling amaaaaazing! And today is spring. And life if goood.

I’m so proud of myself

[finallyrestrictionfree]

I know I want this, I know I want to be healthy, I know I want to be happy.

But today I broke a rule I had agreed on with my therapist. I changed my clothes several times because I didn’t feel good in any of them. I checked every new inch of my changing body.

And as much as I want to recover not feeling good in my skin makes my world turn upside down.

I am trying so hard to love myself.

But this body doesn’t feel like mine

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Good morning

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Eating disorders absorb your life, they rob you of your happiness, your freedom and your self love. 

I have never been so sure of anything than wanting to recover. 

8 Years of Anorexia and Bulimia. 8 years of being sucked in this dark hole of self hatred. 

I am ready to heal, I am ready to be happy

[finallyrestrictionfree]

I’m so scared to look in the mirror, getting dressed is the hardest part of the day

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Today I found out that a little habit that I had built for the past year was part of my ed.

I would walk for hours through health stores and supermarkets looking for the ‘healthiest food”. I would spend crazy amounts of money in food.

I thought it was fun to walk through the corridors and see all the different options. Even though I was eating the same foods all the time.

Since I’ve stopped restricting, I’ve found that doing that is boring and it made me realize that it was just another obsesión around food.

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Do you think that having breakfast a couple hours after I wake up is restricting ?

I feel like I’ve been feeling a little bit stuffed in the mornings.

[finallyrestrictionfree]

Somedays it feels like I have to voices in my head.

One want me to be happy and healthy.

One wants me to tiny no matter the cost.

I try to identify the second one as the ed, I try to ignore it.

But as I see my body changing it gets harder and harder.

I’m sticking to happiness and health because I chose to recover. I was going to write a but, but there is no but in this one.