finding allie

a diary of self-discovery through love, loss, and letting go

[findingallie-blog]

9: November 7, 2011

After my post last night, something ridiculous happened. 

Jack showed up at my door. Did I ever mention that he lives about forty minutes away? He said we had to talk, and maybe it was because I was feeling sappy, having just watched Breakfast at Tiffany's on Netflix, but... I let him in. 

We talked for a while, but it just seemed like we were doing the same thing we had been doing for weeks: chasing our tails, running around in circles. Nonetheless, I allowed myself to get swept up in the moment. Perhaps... a little too swept up. We were watching movies on television, attempting to relax, and the next thing I knew, well... I'm sure you can guess.

I woke up this morning in his arms, and we spend the majority of the morning and afternoon together. We didn't talk about what had happened, and we didn't talk about what was going on between us in the larger sense. But for some reason I can't explain, it felt like things just... clicked.

After he left, he texted me. We've been texting the entire rest of the day.

I'm not sure what this means, but I suppose only time will tell.

A.

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8: November 6, 2011

I feel like I'm the one who is bipolar. 

I know why he texted me. He wanted to get inside my head. He wanted to make sure that I was thinking about him. He wanted to make sure that I was still tightly wrapped around his little finger. 

And unfortunately for me... it worked.

How can I be so secure with the fact that I'm going to be without Jack one minute, and then the next - after a completely off the wall random conversation - want him to come back into my life? Why is he so content on making sure that his face is always in my mind, clouding my judgment. 

I'm turning my phone off and surrendering to my thoughts. I have to finally face my feelings head-on. 

A.

[findingallie-blog]

7: November 6, 2011

Jack texted me today. He asked me how I was, and for once in a very long time, when I said I was doing well, I wasn't lying through my teeth. I am doing well. Of course, his response surprised me. When I asked how he was, he replied with "eh, I'm okay." Interestingly enough, it's a post-breakup response that I'm used to hearing. Thinking about it, every one of my exes always commits to the same pattern: they're fine at first (or they tell themselves and everyone around them that), and then a few weeks later, they come back around, feigning heartbreak. The thought made me think.

Do we just date the same person over and over again?

I mean, sure, I have a type. I admit I'm a sucker for blue eyes, sandy blonde hair, a killer smile, and even more-killer abs. It's been my pattern for years, and all signs point to keeping to it. But while all past flings of mine have different quirks and traits, it seems that they're all strangely similar.

Maybe it's time to break the cycle. Tall, dark and handsome? It might be something I can get used to.

A.

[liberta-di-sirena-deactivated20]

[findingallie-blog]

i want this.

[findingallie-blog]

After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot.

Carrie Bradshaw

[findingallie-blog]

6: November 5, 2011

To say that a girls' night was a good idea could be called the understatement of the century. Cheesy movies, manicures, jell-o shots, and a ridiculously-large sized pizza was just what the doctor ordered. Sadie, our friend Delia, and I had a fantastic night, that may or may not be topped by the impending evening. The "Black and White Affair" party is tonight, and I have very high hopes for the party. Sadie is going with me, so I know that I will have at least two allies - Cale and the very best older sister in the world. 

As for Jack, I've finally made an obvious dent in my depression over him. After yesterday and all of last night, I realized that I can smile without him. I can laugh, and joke, and all the while not have this perpetual cloud of sadness over me, waiting to burst out from me as soon as I'm alone again. I slept soundly, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel incomplete without his arms around me. His heartbeat didn't lull me to sleep. My happiness did. And that's all I really need.

I'll survive after him, just as I survived before him. 

I've finally come to the realization that I don't need someone else to be there to complete me. I can find happiness wherever I look - not just in some fleeting romance that wasn't enough to keep a certain someone around. I don't need that in my life. 

Suddenly I feel as light as a feather, and I'm loving every moment of it.

So now I'll go get ready for another hopefully fabulous night filled with friends, and without a single hint of that cloud of sadness. 

A.

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5: November 4, 2011

After a long talk late last night with Jack, I've come to terms with the fact that: it really is over. We didn't fight, bicker, yell, or anything else that I had expected to come with this conclusion. It was just so obvious to me: why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? That's just it. I wouldn't. And I don't.

He seemed content on the phone, and - as usual - was surrounded by his group of friends. They were hanging out at a mutual friend's house, doing one of the many things that caused me to be so hesitant about going into a relationship with him in the first place. This fact made me think. Why would I want to be with someone whom didn't meet my every criteria? Why would I waste so much time fighting for someone who obviously isn't perfect for me anyway? It's silly, really. That I would allow my loneliness cloud my judgment of who I actually a fighting so hard to be with. It made me come to the conclusion I should have come to long ago.

We're not right for each other.

Suddenly, I'm consumed with an uplifting, hopeful feeling. I shouldn't have to fight to be with someone. Someone out there will want to be with me without me pleading. Someone out there will understand my mistakes, give me chances when I deserve them, and love me all the while. I deserve love. I deserve happiness.

The tears I cried last night before I talked to Jack will be the last ones to fall from my eyes on his sake. When it comes to relationships from here on out, the only tears I should cry are those of joy. 

So here's to new beginnings, and the pursuit of never-ending happiness.

A.

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4: November 3, 2011

It seems as if heartbreak is in the air this November. I was just informed that my sister, we'll call her "Sadie", just ended a relationship that I never thought would end. She has been with "Peter" for seven years - almost eight. And as much as it hurts to see him go, as he was a big-brother figure to me for so long, I knew after talking to Sadie that it was what needed to happen.

Basically, we need a girls' night.

And we are actually going to have the perfect opportunity this Saturday. My best friend, "Cale", who goes to college out of state has invited us to join him for the weekend. His birthday was yesterday, and Saturday is the informal-birthday party on his campus. It's a "Black and White Affair", and I could use the excuse to doll myself up and mingle, even if I'll be drinking overly-frothy beer from a keg. It's college. I guess I shouldn't expect much more.

Anyway, it's a short drive - about an hour and a half - but hopefully it will feel like a world away for these two heartbroken sisters. 

Fingers crossed.

A.

[findingallie-blog]

Harsh words hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.

- Anonymous 

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3: November 3, 2011

As the days are passing, it's hard for me to stop thinking about that last conversation I had with Jack. It was on the phone, which was less than ideal, and it ended with my hanging up on him, which was even less ideal. I hate ending conversations like that, especially when at the end of said conversation, there is a long, possibly-permanent silence. But I suppose, at least in that moment, the thing that I hated more than leaving a conversation like that, was continuing a conversation through my tears.

I'm not a crier. And you can go ahead and say that all women are born-criers, that the smallest thing will trigger the monsoon of the century to spill from our doe-like eyes. But for me, it's just not the case. As the youngest of an all-girl family, I suppose I was my father's last-ditch effort to have a son. But lo and behold, it was another girl. Me. And so, for the majority of my adolescence and teenage years, I was an avid competitor in sports (I played four throughout my childhood and through High School), two of which my father was my coach. Among the many things I learned from this experience was that tears should be a rare commodity. Tears don't solve anything, and thus they are pointless. To this day, even years after my father's passing, I can still hear him any time I get a bruise on my leg, or worse, on my heart: "If you're not bleeding or dying, you're fine. No tears, Allie, no crying."

You might think of this as cruel or inhumane, but it's actually come in handy during many times in my life. Tears don't do a damn thing but keep you down and smear your mascara. My father was right, they don't solve problems. That part is up to you.

But Jack had a way of making me break my rules - one of which was the 'no tears' rule. I cried almost every time we fought. I'm not sure why, either. He wasn't mean. I've had a different ex-boyfriend say mean things to me - cruel things - that didn't spur a single teardrop. So why did Jack have this effect so easily on me? Was it because I wanted so terribly to make it work? Was it my stubborn side, unable to let things go unresolved and my father's mantra simply slipped out the window?

That last conversation was brutal on my emotions. He said that he needed space a few weeks ago, and I was unable to give it to him, which was completely true. I needed him. I felt like I couldn't breathe when I wasn't with him. Maybe it was unhealthy, but it's how I felt. I needed to be around him. 

He said that "distance should make the heart grow fonder". I, personally, think that entire saying is bullshit. I understand the importance of missing someone, sure. It keeps the fire alive, some might say, and I might be inclined to agree. But make the heart grow fonder? And if it is so - if my pessimistic mind can't understand the truth behind it - then how much distance do I need to give, and is it too late now? 

Do we need distance to get closer?

A.

[findingallie-blog]

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Hold your head high and your middle finger higher. Let him know what he's missing.

Megan Fox

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2: November 2, 2011

It's official - the cold is creeping into my part of the country, and its icy demeanor somehow gives warrant to my heart's current equally-icy state. It's as if with each passing moment, my heart is desperately grasping for some small sliver of hope that one day, this sinking feeling in my chest will dissipate. I can't feel this way forever. I've gone through break-ups before, so this feeling isn't a beast I have yet to encounter in my lifetime. But this particular heartbreak comes with its own uniqueness: lack of closure.

I've always been a huge believer that the idea of 'closure' when ending a relationship is nothing more than desperation-slathered bullshit. But looking back, I think that each of my break-ups in the past have somehow slipped past without me realizing that they each ended with it. Closure. A sometimes-uneasy feeling that somehow, the relationship was was over for good. There was nothing left to do but pick up the shattered pieces of my heart, dust myself off and move the fuck on. But this time is different.

We've been in a single/together limbo for a little while, and the fact of the matter is that the situation is what is doing most of the damage to my heart. I think that's the reason why the idea of erasing Jack completely from my life scares me so much. It carries with it a huge, lingering cloud of doubt that I can hear perpetually screaming into my ear: "What if...?"

But another fact of the matter is that it is no longer my choice. It's not my place to answer that huge "What if...?" question. I wasn't the one who initiated the break-up, and so I cannot be the one to initiate the rebuilding stage, if there ever is to be one. The only thing I can do now is wait. Wait to see if Jack will have a change of heart. Wait to see if one day, in the near future, he decides to contact me and give the whole idea of 'us' another go.

But one thing you'll learn quickly about me is that I am desperately impatient. If given the chance, I would want everything to happen yesterday.

So do I really want to wait around for something that may never happen? Wait around for Jack, when he might not come to the conclusion that what we had was special and worth a second glance? And if I do decide to commit to this uncertain waiting game, how long is too long to wait?

Is there an expiration date on a romance? 

A.

[findingallie-blog]

This song will never not remind me of Jack. The night that he played this for me as we laid in his bed, my heart was so filled with love that I never thought I would relate the words to him. The warmth of his touch seemed to be perfectly in-sync with the sweeping melody, and I would have been perfectly content living inside of those moments forever. Now, the thought of him leaving is the only thing on my mind when I hear these heartbreaking lyrics.

A.

[findingallie-blog]

1: November 1, 2011

I read somewhere once that people who have a difficult time verbally expressing their emotions should write (or type, in this case) their emotions/feelings down to better communicate with themselves about the reality of their feelings. And as I am the very definition of this type of person, I suppose I should give it a shot.

My name is Allie. I'll be 23 next month, and it seems that every day of those 23 years would not be complete without some form of trouble in the field of love... or lack thereof. Unfortunately, I'm currently in a lack thereof state. To be blunt, it sucks. And while the vast majority of my heart is mourning the loss of a certain someone (for the purposes of this blog, I'm going to change the names of everyone - myself included - so we'll call this certain someone 'Jack'). Anyway, while I'm desperately miserable, a small part of myself keeps tugging at my ear, attempting to justify the situation as "the right thing". But is there ever a situation where a broken heart can be justified as a right choice? I feel like a right choice should be one in which people win, people smile, people look back upon that time years from now and recollect how their choices helped them grow. But I don't feel like I'm growing. I feel like I'm sinking. And no matter how hard I try to fight this current of depression, it keeps pulling me under.

Jack and I didn't date for the length of time that someone feeling this way probably would. It was a quick romance. We jumped into it, and he jumped out just as quickly. But the time that we spent together was deliciously tumultuous. In the beginning, there was nothing but smiles and happiness. He was romantic, thoughtful, and affectionate. He did things that no one has ever done for me. For crying out loud, he wrote me a damn song. He had me at the first chord. And I suppose he knew it, looking back.

I felt safe with him for some reason. He came with a fair amount of baggage, but I was naively willing to throw my caution to the wind and allow myself to fall for this exciting, amazing, funny, handsome man before me. 

How I wish I could turn back the clock now.

I wouldn't take him out of my life given the chance, though. I would do things differently. I made my share of mistakes, and so did he. The only difference was that I was able to forgive him for his, and he couldn't forgive me for mine. Maybe that means he never really cared as much as I did. Maybe that means he never really cared as much as I convinced myself he did. 

Whatever the reason, we're not speaking as of yesterday. After yet another empty confrontation, I decided to erase him from my life. It was easy to erase him from the tangible things - my Facebook account, my cell phone. That's always the easy part. The hard part is erasing him from my mind and from my heart. His face is all I see when I close my eyes, and I'm not sure I'll find a remedy for that in the near future. 

My friends tell me I have to get back out there. Go on dates, find someone new to take my mind off of Jack. But is that really the best option? Throw myself into someone else's arms in attempt to think of something - anything - but him? I have a hard time convincing myself so. I feel like I need to figure this out on my own. I feel like I need to iron out these emotions that are running rampant through my veins. The only problem is that I have no idea how to do that. 

I know what you're thinking. Chill, lady, it's only been a day. But what's the remedy for making a day go faster? For making the moments turn swiftly into hours, and those into days? I tried to go out and do something fun last night with a few friends. I put a smile on my face, but the entire time, my heart was breaking. I wanted him to be there next to me. I glanced at my hand more than once, wishing his was there to intertwine with mine. 

I suppose this will all go away in due time.

The one thing that's keeping me afloat - keeping my faith that this will all fade - is the simple fact that he doesn't care. Maybe he's pretending, maybe he's not. But in any case, he has me seriously doubting the fact that he's losing much sleep. And I could lie to myself and everyone, saying that, "well if he doesn't care, then I won't either!" 

But that's exactly what it would be: a lie. A bold-faced lie. 

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

A.