EdenRei

Philip 4:14

[findingedenrei]

its getting to be a bit too much

have you felt so overwhelmed that you can't help but stand still. a record stuck in survival mode not sure when the next skip of relief will happen.

I feel like I've done everything right so far: go to school, graduate in a promising career, move back home to save money and also apply for jobs, help family and friends with their endeavors, but somehow I still feel like nothing is really amounting to anything. I workout and try my best tone mindful what I put inside my body and I developed a hobby of skin care. But something is still missing... I feel my lack of devotion to God lately is weighing on me. It's hard for me to open my bible and truly focus what is in front of me because I have something on my mind- student loans, no job yet, my future, etc. Then I start to realize that I need to bring buy worries and woes to Him.

When I sneak away back into my room and watch shows for my amusement the dread and fear of the what if's is quieted but then it starts to rear its ugly head up at me when the noise dies down. I feel lethargic and ponder how I failed myself already because I didn't accomplish things I deem as productive. I will even ridicule myself when I don't get enough steps in.... lol. I don't know what space I'm in right now- head space I mean. I feel bad when I pray because I feel like I only go to God when I want something. I used to pray and praise Him for everything good and bad because I knew He will protect me. Back then I feel like my faith is invincible I saw miracles working when I thought it was impossible. God made it possible for me to go to Chicago and become a nurse. why am I struggling for God to do the same now? To help me attain a well paying career so I can move back and begin my life again? Why do I feel so stuck?

Sometimes I also fear when God does bless me with moving I think "am I even ready to be a nurse? will I have the financial means to stay a float? oh the economy is not the greatest am I making the best move? What if I do all of this and I still fail and end up back home with my tail between my legs?"

I still have faith, even if it is as small as a mustard seed. im still going to cling on to it. I'm still going to attempt to talk to God and show up the best I can for Him even if I don't think it's good enough.

[findingedenrei]

high functioning society is ruining my creativity

[findingedenrei]

Am I the bad guy?

I thought I saw an old friend of mine that turned out to be an enemy.

The Spring of 2023 taught and showed me how I can go so long in an environment that I'm not happy just so I can accomplish something. To some, this is a remarkable trait that should be respected because of patience but for others they ponder why? Why would you want to stay in an environment that's not allowing you to thrive? I did exactly that with when I lived with two girls I thought I could be friends with due to mutual paths but ended up being mean girls with the male agenda on their brain. The friendship failed because it was built on people pleasing, lack of proper communication, severely different lifestyles, and most importantly different foundations.

Foundations? What is that. Something you stand firm on something you can go back to and rely on. Something that no matter what happens in life you have firm ground that will never fail. For me that's God, for others it's things in this world i.e. money, men, popularity, clothes etc. Don't get me wrong I fell into it. I tried to keep up with the Jones by trying things like drinking, going out, gossiping, dating, etc. But it all failed. I wondered why? every time why God don't I feel close to these people. We try to hangout, we share laughs and play games but I don't feel anything for these people. Then it hit me. They were not supposed to be my people.

You can play games and casually talk about the superficiality of life for so long that you come to realize you crave more from someone. You crave substance. Now it would be rude to say they lacked substance because the people I lived with did bring things to the table that I admired but the baggage that came along with it truly blindsided me until I had to face when I left. I left because I was respected or heard. I left because I was sick and tired of being in an environment of falsehood and straight up meanness. I thought being one of the "cool girls' would be fun, something to take pride in. I tried to and it had its moments but there is a difference between making people laugh wholeheartedly and not being the butt of someones joke.

One of them stole some money from me and is passive and narcissistic that thrives off male attention and enjoys spending their money. The other well she also struggles with people pleasing and being dismissive, only present when fantasizing about her wedding day to rid herself of the matriarchal role she was placed with for her demanding family.

Now you say, that's so mean and judgmental. How can you call yourself a Christian. I'm not perfect to the World's standards but, being Christian doesn't mean being a doormat and doesn't make me oblivious to my environment. In a sense it heightens it and makes me more aware of why God placed and removed certain people in my life. Everyone that comes into my life has meaning. And those girls I believe came into my life to show me that not everyone will like the light you bring. Not everyone is used to it nor knows how to care for it and that's ok. We all do shitty things from time and time but those who admit to it and own up to it those are the people you want to be around. The people who want to converse when times get hard and have a heart and sense of respect for others. And I'm so happy to say God introduced people into my life that fit just that.

People pleasing made me go from allowing everyone into my circle. God pleasing is realizing that your love for others shouldn't be a way for you to let down guarding your heart. Not everyone is deserving to be in your close circle and I'm learning to be ok with that.

[findingedenrei]

Can you hear Him

Can you hear from God? If not, you need to cultivate silence.

[findingedenrei]

I don't want to be where I was last year

It's been a full week into the new year, crazy to think how fast it snuck up on me. Now, I know the popular thing to do is to make vision boards and write down intricate goals to become a new me, but I want to narrate over my life this: "I don't want to be where I was last year".

Now, last year wasn't terrible, but I did go through pitfalls that made me question, "what am I doing? is this for me? will I make it? I'm in graduate school so navigating myself through that was a lot for me. I didn't really have time to catch up with myself and realize how much of an impact it had on me until the term was over and I was burnt out from keeping with it all.

With the high stress of all the new change I underwent through grad school, I cultivated both good and bad habits. I prioritized meal prepping more (good), made sure to exercise (good), reached out for help in courses, explored the city around me (good), just getting to know my field better (good), etc. but when it came to the bad I've noticed how my environment and routine truly can make or break me. I didn't really take the time to craft a solid routine (bad), I looked on and compared myself to what my peers were doing, I lacked prioritizing biblical time (bad), and the times I did the workout I focused too much on the aesthetics of my body and it slowly grew as an idol (bad).

Now, i know i needed to give myself grace as everything was so brand new to me which I did, but I also fell in a slump most of often and my moods were so TOPSY TERVY it became hard to decipher what I was really feeling and being authentically myself.

So, i'm making more of initiative to be mindful to not get back to that place. I'm currently working against it right now as I type out the chaos that rattles in mind instead of trying to doze it off through social media. And of course, your girl is definitely making goals and painting a vision for herself.

A major goal of mine for the year is to discover more of what I like/love to do and reassert myself and be all of who I am. Now that sounds so cheesy but this world is so focused on making everyone the same that being yourself is an oddity. When i tried looking on to different paths to fit, it left me empty and calling back to the Lord. He can only sustain me.

Now say it with me if you feel the same, "I don't want to be where I was last year".

I'll be praying for you.

[findingedenrei]

[findingedenrei]

[findingedenrei]

It's what you make of it

For a long time, I believed that people and environments ultimately shape my experience, but that's not the truth. It is ridiculous how much you put into your surroundings to make an experience but it's not up to that. It's how you want to define it.

I have spent years believing the idea that people and where I am shaping the outcome. It gave me anxiety because people are not always going to behave the way you pictured and the place you put there are endless possibilities of it not working out or not being what you imagined. I put my faith in the World to get me through again and again and I always faced so much disappointment afterward.

I've been hurt by trying to keep up with my preconceived notions of reality. That's why things like dating, family functions, holidays, the first days of school/work, vacations, weddings, etc. always bring some sort of fear or disappointment. It's sad to say it but it's true. Just think about those events I listed before, of course, they are happy, joyful moments but you secretly dread them because you have made a fantasy in your mind of how it should go but people and/or the environment don't prevail to your imagination.

So how can I help myself climb out of this hole of despair? That I'm looking forward to things and recognizing that it's not in my control how it goes. You give it to GOD. Yes, as humans we put so much pressure on ourselves regarding how life should go, but as we grow we notice it rarely goes our way. And if it does it isn't like what we pictured. No person, place, or life event can be everything for you- only God can do that. It's what you make of it that truly reflects you relinquishing that falsehood of security and running into the actual safety of our Father.

[findingedenrei]

Clean your brain

my thoughts keep me busy.

I forgot how great it feels to have an outlet. my outlet is writing.

my kind of writing isn't a chore but a choice of expression.

When i think too much and say too little, I have a blank page to fill the void.

I have so much to say that can't always come out but when laid out in text, it's so clear. So very clear. Why make everything so complicated with theories, speculations, and lies- type it out.

my brain is a messy hallway. It's littered with socks and dirty underwear. the walls are covered with dust and webs. every day another shipment comes in with information- is it useful? will I need it? I don't know. But despite the mess, I make efforts to pick up after myself each and every day. Filing away each dirty article of clothing like an annoying thought that keeps resurfacing. Hosing down the walls in hopes to make it look tidier. Sorting through those boxes and making room for information relevant while tossing out the things that I no longer need.

the best thing you can do is clean a little every day

[findingedenrei]

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect but I press on to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own

Philippians 3:12

[findingedenrei]

Is it more easy to attain Godly perfection than human perfection?

I googled this morning during my bible study what really is perfection. Google defines it as the following, " the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects." Another definition is, "The action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible".

It got me thinking as I was reading Philippians that I should be striving toward becoming more like Jesus. It's hard for me to truly understand what that means because I'm still blocked by human ideals of who and what is Jesus.

But Jesus is the embodiment of perfection. He did things that truly proved that he had a strong connection with his heavenly Father, God. He knew things before they were done and could read far into the future. No words can explain how powerful and loving Jesus is. But he came as a mere servant to this world wrapped in flesh like ours to spread the gospel to those who were deemed by humanity as less deserving.

At times, I could understand where they were coming from. How can I a sinner who still thinks horrible things, says horrible things, gives in to fear and anxiety, and participate in things that are not good for me get near to Him? I need to be perfect. But this need for perfection does not come from God but out of my own righteousness that I think I need to fix/change things based on a human basis of what is good. However, God does not call us to be perfected in this world but through Him.

Only through Him, perfection is possible. I never really thought of it like that before because for so long humans stray away from the idea of perfection. It is sought out to be a burden and a liability to living a real life. Perfection is seen as an impossible standard. Don't get me wrong when we are talking about human perfection this is true. But it's only true because human perfection is ever changing it's not universal and definitely not the truth.

Truth is from the Word of the Bible- that is where perfection lies.

I still don't get it but I'm human and it takes time to digest such a truth like this but isn't it kind of reliving that you are made perfect in Christ? Not by an impossible standard set by man but crafted whole-heartedly by God.

[findingedenrei]

I want my life back

I want more from my life. I don't want to be mediocre, but what is holding me back? Fear. Fear of the past, future, and present.

My consistent battle with anxiety makes it apparent to me that my days are running quickly and when time slows down- it's agonizing. My friend shared with me recently that these patterns of behavior are not mine.

She's right. it's not like me at all. Anxiety has always followed me but how it controls my life now... it's disrespectful. I lose out on experiencing new things, I suck with managing my money, I dwell on my past mistakes, and most importantly I can't truly connect with Him.

My self-esteem and confidence have taken a hit lately and I want to slowly repair it with God by my side. This world is filled with quick fixes but it ultimately does not change anything and I mean anything if not sorted out by Him.

So i don't want to be mediocre or be like everyone because I have tried it so many times and leaves me unfulfilled.

[findingedenrei]

Its a sunny-ish day

From having 7 days straight of grey cloudy skies. I forgot how nice it is to see the sun. The gloomy weather kept me feeling comfy and warm especially when I lit my lavender candle. But I felt like I was missing out on something...

It wasn't until the sun decided to peek its little head from behind the clouds that I finally knew what I was missing: clarity. The sun gives me clarity. Not only because its bright waves and yellow reflection give me more room to you know... see. But it makes me crawl out of the comfy cave and step more into life. Its bright rays reminds me that every day is a new chapter and I need to take advantage. Because from anything that I learned from these past couple of gloomy days its easy to fall into a hole.

Sun makes me smile more and reminds me that spring/summer is right around the corner. It gives me anxiety but the kind that makes me look forward to something new. With longer days and shorter nights it opens up a door of opportunity.

What are you doing this sunny day?

[findingedenrei]

[findingedenrei]

He has filled them with skill to perform every work of an engraver and of a designer and of an embroiderer, in blue and in purple and in scarlet material, and in fine linen, and of a weaver, as performers of every work and makers of designs.

Exodus 35:35 

[findingedenrei]

Dear Me. session. 1

For the longest time i was always provoked by the idea of change and trying to rebrand myself either for people approval or what society expected from me... but i have learned that i dont want to fit into those boxes. Nor how matter how hard I try I can never shimmy into one. 

Recently i have been having a weird stomach interruption (not the TacoBell kind, but the anxious one) when im in my lonesome thankfully it wasn't attributed to my toxic living environment (whew) but now more on my lifestyle.

so after that tragic but lovely ending to my final semester of college, I have given myself a much needed break. A break that was so long overdue that should have been addressed earlier (sorry Linda, my psychiatrist). lets say my last summer 2021 was filled with stress and chaos that it left me a silver lining. I’m over reacting? But no really I grew a single gray hair and she's a beaut. 

anyways I gave myself a break meaning sleeping in late, staying up late to watch shows, spending some quality time with my girls, and eating above and beyond anything i can get my hands on. I was greedy, a slob, egotistical everything i was primed to not engage in for all my life in the matter of 3 weeks. now was i proud of this no, but it did also grant me relief? yes.

after crying and breaking down about the past multiple times and the choas back at home and wondering if im going to be single forever, lets say the excessive spending on food granted me temporary peace. but it left a hole in my heart and a dent in my health ( and bank account) as i feel like i was drifting away from my purpose