Casey could feel his heart rate pick up when Finn nearly snarled out the words. Was he jealous? Of course Casey felt a bit relieved that he wasn’t the only one hanging onto a thread, some sort of hope that there could still be something after all this. Maybe it was the reaction Casey wanted , in some twisted way. Nonetheless, his surprised expression soon turned into a soft scowl. He didn’t want to hear about it? Yeah, Like Casey hadn’t wanted to hear Jordyn confess her feelings, but what could you do. “Sorry.” He muttered and crossed his hands, eyes falling to watch the back of his thumbs in a brief minute of shame. “They weren’t as good as you were, just saying.” It wasn’t more than a low mumble, but it was all Casey wanted to say before his attention was more on Finn’s voice, and his problems, and his emotions. There was the same kind of roughness in Finns voice that there had been when he had opened up about the nightmares, about how his brother died. The complete sincerity and pureness of the words made Casey look up, meeting Finns eyes for a brief moment. It was still difficult to see him like this, so vulnerable, and all Casey wanted to do was hold him and tell him how it was going to be okay and just comfort him until every worry and pain melted away. But he listened. That was all he could do now.
It took a long time for Casey to filter through all the words Finn had spoken. He looked from one eye to the other, biting his own lip before taking a shaky breath. These were things he had thought about before. Why his boyfriend had been so stubborn and withdrawn when it came to weakness but they had some similar characteristics between them. “It’s… It’s okay.” Casey put a hand up for a moment before letting it drop back onto the table, palm side up, flexing slightly as the blonde tried to come up with words that seemed to disappear every time these moments happened. He could feel some stares in the back of his head but really, it didn’t matter anymore. They could have just gone to his office and sat down but Casey was sure Finn didn’t want to do that. Why would he? “Of course I would’ve loved if you’d trusted me but,” Another quick nibble at the bottom lip, “We both have had shitty pasts, okay? You told me what you wanted to tell me and after what happened to your brother I get it, you wanted to be strong. Trust me, I get it even if it’s not the same.” The blonde let out a sad laugh, reminiscing about his own brother. He should have been able to protect him but now the kid was a criminal. Or a murderer. Both, actually. And as a big brother he should have been able to prevent that but – “What we had was perfect, alright?” What we still have, “I wouldn’t trade a single moment. Trauma does that to a person and I’m not just talking as a shrink now. You know that, right?” Casey almost put his hand on Finn’s arm but kept himself in check, frowning at himself before leaning back in the chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Besides, you still spoke to me when you felt like it. Sure I might have snapped and been, uh, horrible. Straight up, not denying that. I can be pushy and I didn’t mean to pry into your reasons but that’s just who I am. Was. But it’s just that I love you so much and it physically hurts me to see you crawl inside your own head and sink into this spiral of guilt when you’re so strong and shouldn’t have to go through that alone.” There goes the past tense. Casey dropped his gaze for a moment again and pushed himself up from the chair, rounding the table. “C’mon. Come with me.” No sexual innuendo, no temptation, no suggestion - “Please, just, they’re closing the cafeteria soon and I don’t want to leave you sitting here alone. The garden is open now, if you want to catch a breather.” He smiled and offered Finn a hand, a smile simultaneously trying to hide the slight gloss in his eyes. “Just for a little bit longer. To sort us out.”
After he’d spilled his thoughts out into the world, Finn’s shoulders felt a little lighter. It was an overdue apology. He watched Casey process it. The blonde was chewing on his lip, flexing his hand, thinking carefully before he spoke. It was new territory for them. Sure, they’d shared plenty of soft words, but this thoughtful tiptoeing towards forgiveness and understanding was new. It was wild in its vulnerability. I get it. Of course Casey understood. They were too similiar after all. It was what had drawn Finn to Casey that night at Marlene’s. They could go drink for drink with each other, reminisce about sexual exploits, share favorite camping spots, and then, quietly, leave the hurt unspoken. What we had was perfect. There it was. Finn felt a sudden sharp pain in his chest. He met Casey’s eyes and felt emotion well up from an unknown source. He was looking at his past. Despite Casey’s claim that he wasn’t approaching this as a shrink, Finn could feel him starting to close himself off. Had Casey also made himself emotional? The Aussie’s large arms were folded, causing his biceps to put his shirt sleeves to the test. Finn couldn’t help but look. But then Casey said those words- I love you- and they weren’t a whisper. They were stated plainly and in the present tense. Finn’s blue eyes widened as they found Casey’s. The older man knew him too well. Every word Casey spoke struck a chord with Finn. He had been deep in his own guilt, so deep he couldn’t see out sometimes. But he always felt like he had to do it alone. He didn’t want to drag Casey down into his issues. Not when the blonde looked so much better when he was happy and not spending his energy worrying about Finn.
As Casey stood, Finn’s eyes followed him. He didn’t understand immediately why Casey had stood up. Finn’s brain trudged through the sentimental moat of memories that he’d been caught up in and tried to focus on what Casey was saying to him now. “Yeah...” Finn nodded slowly. “We can go anywhere you want.” He wasn’t sure if Casey wanted the openness of the garden or maybe the privacy of his office, but Finn was entirely open to sorting out whatever was happening between the two of them right then. Finn took hold of Casey’s hand and rose to his feet. He tried not to let his touch linger too long. “The garden sounds nice, but we can go somewhere private if you want to uh- sort us out. I’m sure I’ve got another ten things to apologize to you for.” He chuckled softly as the hint of a smile graced his face.
