her voice feels like it dies in her throat when his face crumbles, and there’s a moment where she would take it all back, throw all of her caution to the wind, if it meant that she could hold him and apologize and make this better. god, she didn’t want to see him hurt. watching nik’s face fall, his shoulders hunch forward, it hurts. it hurts like her hip flexor or like the back injury she sustained in training, it hurts like someone is threatening the only thing that keeps her afloat. but nik was just like ballet, he had cast her out in the same, unceremonious manner. and just like ballet, she was willing to throw herself down at the foot of the stars, to be prosecuted for every misstep and bobbled turn, if it meant she could have him back. if she could have this back. but there was no taking back her words, even if she did he wouldn’t believe them. not when she believed them so wholly that he could probably read it on her face, should he care about her half as much as he claimed to. so instead, she changes course. she takes his hand in hers, and gently nudges him towards the bar. her back hits the floor with a loud thud, and she rests her feet on the barre above her. “ this is what i do when i think too much.” she begins, taking a deep breath in order to control her outpouring of emotions. “ i didn’t say no, i said i don’t know you anymore. we’ve grown up, changed, became different people than we were back then.” it’s the beginnings of a reconciliation, even if it hurts. “ so tell me who you’ve become.” she doesn’t let go of his hand, maybe because she doesn’t think about it. the same way she doesn’t think about all the times she wondered if she had been smaller, daintier, p e r f e c t, he would have stayed. she doesn’t think about the requiem she performed to mourn her loss, to mourn him in every dance she did. she’s trying to put it out of her mind, because it wasn’t fair to him, knowing what she knew now. and yet, it still occupied her thoughts, because siobhan had tried so hard to be perfect for him. she had tried so hard to be everything he needed. and just like with ballet, she had fallen short. she was never going to be enough. she knew that. perhaps that was why she didn’t want to say yes to nik. because she knew that should they fiiind themselves in each others arms once more, it was only a matter of time before he grew weary of her constant need to be at the studio, or the way she never slept through the night, or the way her hands shook with apprehension, or the way she recoiled when people touched her unprompted. perhaps he would get bored of her routines. or worse still, he would see through her. he would see past the facade of bubbly personality and bright smiles, into the empty shell of who she had become. complete with her bed always being made up on his side, because even if she slept it felt like the sheets went on forever because he wasn’t there. perhaps he would see into the cold abyss of her apartment, where there was nothing but a bed she didn’t sleep in, a kitchen she didn’t cook in, and a life she wasn’t living. maybe that was something she was afraid he would find. she assumed it was similar to her fear of being held in his arms once more, because if he held her he would see that she didn’t have herself together, she was still just jagged glass on the floor. secrecy was just another promise her body couldn’t keep.
nik didn’t know how to react when she grabbed his hand. part of him wanted to pull away, because he didn’t deserve to touch her, not after he gave up that right so long ago. the other part wanted to hold tighter, to prove something to her, if it would mean anything at all. instead, he let the girl lead him to the barre. he follows her down to the ground, doing as she does and starring up at the ceiling. he tries to focus on what she’s saying, but the aching in his chest is a distraction on in itself. did she even mean any of it? or did she just feel bad for him? instead of letting those questions run past his lips, he shrugs his shoulders. “i um.. i mean, i don’t know.. i’m still working at the record shop, still trying to make it with my band-” he cuts himself short, realizing that he had been stagnate all these years. i mean, it wasn’t like he did it on purpose, but thinking back he’s still not who he use to be. he had become a lot colder, but held on more dearly to those he cared for. “i guess.. my life is the same. i mean, i did go to therapy and was apart of a support group for teens who had lost someone. i mean, i never really talked during them, i just kept my head low and got out of it as quickly as possible.” he said, staring up at the ceiling. he remembered the long nights of staring at the screen while most everyone else talked, and even if he felt like sharing, he didn’t. he wouldn’t have known where to even begin. he had become a shell during that time in his life, and honestly if it hadn’t been for wren, he probably would still have a lot further to go. nik continued to stare at the drywall on the roof, trying to think of something to say that would make it seem like he hadn’t just spent the last six years being sad and depressed all the time, but even if he did it would be a lie. “i guess.. i don’t think i’ve really changed much.. i mean, after the incident of course. before that i was- well, you remember. sure i had a tough life, but i made it through and i was going to make it out..” his voice got quieter before he stopped all together. he had lost the main reason he wanted to make it out, and once that happened he stopped caring about where his life was going. “i lost it for awhile, my passion. it was like the world had been taken out from under me and i couldn’t find my footing again. i didn’t play for almost two years, sio..” he admitted, thinking back to what was one of the darkest times of his life. “i would like to think i’m better now. i mean, i’m not still closed off from the world. i go to work, i shower, pay my bills.” twice the amount of bills with his parents mortgage still being paid off, but he wasn’t going to bring that one up. no one knew that. the town just assumed that once a new buyer learned of the history, they would look elsewhere. but in reality, nick never sold it. “i mean, i’m not perfect by any means, but i’m better.” looking back, nik never really saw how much of a mess he had been, until now. he had wasted so much time, and it was surreal for him to even think about. he cleared his throat again, before shrugging his shoulders. “i don’t know what else to really say..” he said softly, finally looking over at him. “what about you? i mean.. if we’re suppose to be getting to know each other again and all.”
