“Sometimes you don’t realize what you’ve done until you look at the damage.”
“Bey are you out of your mind? You can’t do this?”
Label execut Marcus stares at me as if I have three faces. I proposed that this time around I do a more intimate tour versus a world tour. I made an oath to myself to live more for me and be present in more things regarding my family and friends.
“Remember when my first album dropped everyone thought I was crazy. People said I wasn’t fit to be solo. I love proving the masses wrong.”
“Columbia is expecting a world tour and I’m sure your fans are too.”
“I’m tired of over the top world tours. This album is my most personal to date. I want intimate settings like House Of Blues and BB Kings. Call Jake and tell him I’m doing a ten date tour and that's final.”
He doesn’t get a final word in I quickly leave the office in pursuit to me and Jay’s therapy session. Dr. Green has really gotten us to open up over the last year. Originally I was against therapy then I quickly realized my issues with my husband stemmed from far deeper places.
Julius has the day off when I’m normally dealing with personal affairs I allow him time to himself, plus Jay is here I’m certain he won’t allow anything to happen to me.
“Glad to see you made it.” Jay speaks in a snarky irate tone. Who the hell pissed in his cereal today?
“Hello father of my child.”
I decided to gift him the energy I was receiving back. We haven’t talked much since our blow out. We are even sleeping in separate rooms.
“Hey guys no need for the banter. We are here to dissolve the problems.”
Dr. Green’s soothing voice reminds me of my grandmother’s. It so calm and warm.
“How are you two since the last time we spoke? I’m going to start with you Shawn.”
“I’m not doing good doc. I think she’s losing her trust in me again and we’ve worked so hard to not backtrack.”
“Is this true? Do you not trust your husband?”
“I don’t trust our past. I don’t trust the humiliation. As I recorded my album I had a lot of time to reflect on things. I’ve been hurt repeatedly. Sometimes I feel I’ve wasted a majority of my life on this relationship. I’ve been  in love with this man since I was 18. I don’t know much outside of him.”
“What the fuck are you saying Bey? You have a child and a family. If you’re thinking about going on your way or exploring you have another thing coming.”
“This conversation is over. You don’t own me Jay. You don’t listen you don’t care about what I fucking need.”
I’ve been following the rules of others for as long as I can remember first my father now my husband. Bullshit is something I’m tired of. I make my way out of the office without offering anyone a proper farewell. Shawn doesn’t have the luxury of fucking up on any levels anymore.
I catch a cab and propose a destination I’m not sure of. I could have went to Kelly’s or to my baby sisters but for some reason I need a fresh prospective on things. The cab driver comes to a halt and I peer my eyes towards the sky rise condo.
“Thank you so much sir.”
I’m uncertain if he understood me being that he rarely spoke English. I deeply exhale before trotting towards the entrance door. Here goes nothing.
Maurice
Soft knocks at the door interrupt my sketching session. I can bet that its Lauren and she forgot her key. She left earlier to hang out with a few of her friends from high school. The door swings open and to my surprise its Bey in the flesh.
“H-i Hi.” I stammer my words a tad feeling flustered from the pop up visit.
“Hey I know this is kind of random but do you mind if I come in?”
“Shit if it wasn't for you we wouldn’t have this place so mi casa is su casa.”
She giggles while proceeding to come in. I look around the place to make sure everything is up to par.
“So what brings you around these parts boss lady?”
“I just wanted to check on you guys to see how everything was going. I also never got the chance to properly apologized for my actions towards you.”
“NO I understand I was poking at your personal affairs and it wasn’t my place I don’t plan to get personal with you every again.”
Her facial expression changed a bit. I can’t quite read how she is feeling. I’m not trying to be a dick I just want to respect her wishes.
“Would you like anything to drink or eat? I have baked chicken in the oven now.”
“What do you know about the kitchen?”
“I’m a country boy. My grandmother taught me everything I know. You can have some if you like.”
She shrugs her shoulders shyly and begins tampering with my sketchbook. I watch her brown eyes grow big in admiration.
“These are really dope Maurice. You and Lauren both are natural with this stuff. Where is she by the way?”
This would be the perfect time to show Lauren and I designs but I don’t want to be a hassle. She seems to have something on her mind.
“Thanks and she’s out with her friends right now. One of us should have fun out of the two.”
I’m a very laid back nigga. I don’t like everyone in my affairs and knowing things about me maybe that's the Taurus in me.
“You don’t have any friends or anything here?”
“Nah boss lady all of my loved ones are back home. Lauren and I are building a re-part with one another though. I like that a lot.”
She blinks her eyelids and exhales as if she’s in deep thought. She appears tired.
“I know how it feels to feel lonely with no one to talk to. Hell my computer is the only thing I trust with my whole being. It’s my journal, my vloging place and so much more. My computer is sacred.”
“You’re the most talented entertainer on the planet and loved by anyone. Someone should want to listen to you sometimes.”
She opens her mouth to respond and her phone begins ringing out of control. She contemplates answering it giving me a look of confusion.
“Give me your phone.” I say sternly gaining a small laugh from her. She looks at me crazy for a few moments and hands it over.
I place her phone on the counter and disappear into the hallway. I return with two blankets and a pillow.
“Lay down right now and get you some rest. Your burned out. I can see it in your brown eyes. Go to sleep Bey.”
Her mouth is agape and she begins to motion her frame to lie down on the couch. I place the blankets over her and shortly she is lightly snoring on the sofa. There's a lot I can tell she wanted to say. From her energy I sense she wanted to say more , but sometimes rest is the answer to things.
Lauren
“Tell us about that fine ass man you’re staying with.” My bff Asia teases me about Maurice.
“There’s nothing to tell we’re doing an internship and becoming friends he’s a dope dude.”
“Whatever bitch if that was me I would have his cute yellow ass calling my name.”
It’s been a few months and Maurice and I are blossoming as friends. Is he attractive to me? Of course. He’s stylish, a great listener and not to mention family oriented.
“You’re always clowning get a life bitch.”
Suddenly the air around me changes. I feel an uncomfortable vibe surrounding me. I turn to my left to see my ex and like the snake that he is he slithers my way. My heart is beating at a rapid speed and I’m attempting to keep my composure.
“Hi Lauren. How are you?”
He appears to be nervous. I see sincerity in his brown eyes and I want to hug him. This man caused me so much heartache and apart of me is afraid of what he’s capable of. I attempt to smile through the pain as my friends embrace him. No one truly knows about the turmoil. I faced in that love affair.
Flashback
. I smile a the sound of jingling keys because I know that means my man is home. He walks into the bathroom where I’m prepping my hair and walks right by me to enter our walk on closet.
“Well hello to you too nigga.”
“I don’t need all of that negative energy right now Lauren. I’ve had a bad day.”
“Or did one of your little bitches piss you off? I’m tired of this.”
“You tired of what? You brought this on yourself. If you weren’t such a nagging bitch I wouldn’t have to seek other woman.”
I remember a time where he wasn’t this disrespectful towards me. We used to laugh and have fun until we begin to hurt one another.  I know I haven’t been a saint in this relationship but my actions doesn’t warrant his behavior.
“You wont be talking all of that shit when I’m officially gone and in the arms of another man.”
“Do it and see if I won’t kill you and him. You belong to me.”
His threats fall upon on deaf ears because I’m aware deep down he wont execute any of them. He’s just talking out of his ass.
“I wish you would nigga you know my uncles just wanting our your bitch ass to try something.”
“Bitch are you stupid?”
I got in his face after being exhausted of the name calling. I raise my small palm in the air and meet his face with a harsh slap. The echo of my slap can possibly be heard on another planet. He holds the side of his face in astonishment mumbling inaudible noise.
I watch in amazement as he raises his hand to slap me back. My face and heart grown numb. I stand in confusion. Can I really be mad? Why am I living such a toxic lifestyle?
“Lauren how are you just going to ignore Keith’s fine ass standing there.”Â
Asia brings me back to reality and I exhale deeply looking at my surroundings making sure they were clear of him. I feel foolish that my heart thumped at the sight of his toxic ass and that for a split second I saw his freckled face and remembered happier times. He’s no good for me and I’m no good for him. We have several court cases to prove that matter.
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