i canât believe my friends donât agree that atsumu has a phat ass⌠im SICK⌠iâm the first one to bully him at all times but iâm also not gnna LIE
Requested by my lovely Mal (. @themallorysanders ) đđŤśđť (reader is gonna be based off of her bc itâs written for her </3
PSA: Iâve never read/written for Kags⌠so Iâm so sorry on how this is gonna turn out đ yolo igâŚ
Contains: fluff. Pure lovely fluff! Reader plays a lot of sports. Awkward confessions bc I love them sm theyâre my favorite if you canât tell. Kageyama has two things in his head: you and vb
Giving confessions was definitely not Kageyamaâs strong suit. He received them often, but knew not of how to give them. He had asked Sugawara for some advice (he was not going to Hinata or Tsukishima because he would just know he would be ridiculed for it).
But our dear Sugawara-senpai had told Kageyama the wrong thing.
âTreat it like volleyball! Have a game plan for it!â
Kageyama took that to heart.
For almost a week and a half on end, he did not stop coming up with a plan. He researched for hours on end (Daichi mentioned on how if he had put enough effort into his studies as he did with this, heâd ace everything) and learned more than he thought he could. So by the time he had decided to tell you his feelings.
He chickened out.
Suga was wrong. It was definitely not like volleyball. Girls were something Kags couldnât comprehend. Especially you. You made him so nervous. You were smart and athletic and the same height as him. So of course he fell for you. How could he not!? Not with the way you had always tried to be kind to him.
So, for the second time this week. He mustered up the courage to ask you to go on a date with him.
This time. He didnât chicken out, but you didnât show to your usual lunch area with your friends.
âHuh? Kageyama? What are you doing over here. Y/N isnât here,â one of your friends -Kageyama thinks her name is Misuki or something- stated.
âWhere is she then?â Blunt. As always.
âBro, chill. She went to go meet up with the volleyball team. Something about an impromptu meeting. Why do you need her?â She gave the boy a knowing smirk.
âUh.. itâs a question about class.â He mumbled.
âMhm. Because you totally are in the same class with her and you totally donât want to give her a love confession?â
Kageyama blanched. He wondered how the ever living hell she knew that.
âBy you expression Iâm correct.â Misuki only laughed. âIâll send her a message to see ya later this afternoon. Iâm tired of both of you chasing each other.â
She shooed the setter away and pulled out her phone and immediately started typing.
Soon after school ended, Kageyama made his way towards the front gate where he was told to meet you. He keep fidgeting and was sweating so much someone from across the street could probably see.
Once he heard your voice call out his name he froze. As much as he told himself he wouldnât chicken out -again- he really wanted to. It wasnât fair on how pretty you looked today. It was not fair enough that he had to fall for you, he doesnât regret it but. The doubt in his head was building up and his stomach was on multiple roller coasters at once.
âHi Kag,â you slowed you fast walk to stand face to face to him. âWhatâs up? Do you need help on something?â
His words werenât coming out right and he wanted to say so many things at once. Firstly, a âhi, no I donât need help on anythingâ and âI like you.â But luck was not on his side as he said:
âHi. I donât like you.â His eyes went wide and his hand went over his face. You stood there in shock with your mouth open.
He started sputtering out words and they came out as word vomit. It was like he could not shut up with apologizing and saying that he did like you. His eyes were everywhere but your face and his stuttering died down to a small mumbling when you hands forcefully grabbed his checks.
âSlow down for me. Try to tell me all over again.â You were to nice for him. Letting him try over again with this confession.
âI. LikeâŚ.. you.â His stunning blue eyes searched your face for a moment with his pale cheeks started to warm up under your hands and gaze. Soon you began to smile and he swears he has never been happier but so worried to see it. At first he thought you were going to laugh- though you werenât. You were to sweet.
âWell good for you Tobio, Iâm proud of you for finally telling me.â You beamed at him and he malfunctioned completely.
âYou knew..?â
âOf course I did. Iâm surprised you didnât realize that I was head over heels for you.â
âOh..â
âWell. This isnât how I saw that this would play out. But Iâm happy it did, want to go grab something to eat?â You took his hand into yours and dragged him away with a smile.
Kageyama has never smiled harder til this day.
I lied, he smiled harder during both of yours wedding.
He isnât even looking at you. Heâs lying down on your bed, scrolling through his phone. He is the worst boyfriend in the world.Â
You sigh, putting your hands on your hips. âHow can I not be worried? Weâre having dinner together with our families.âÂ
Oikawa rolls his eyes, but itâs fond. âY/N, youâve had dinner with them a thousand times. Youâve known my parents since you were ten.âÂ
âBut this is different, Tooru.â you say, picking up a dirty sock on the floor and hurling it at his face. Sadly, you miss.Â
Oikawa doesnât even notice, just parrots your words in a high-pitched voice, and laughs when you let out an annoyed yell.Â
You could yell at him. You could march right up to him and hit him with a pillow.
âYouâre laughing,â you say in disbelief, âIâm so anxious and worried right now about meeting your parents for the first time as your girlfriend, instead of just your best friend, and youâre laughing.âÂ
âYouâre so dramatic,â Oikawa puts his phone down finally, stretching his arms. His shirt rides up a little bit and you have to resist looking because youâre annoyed â you wonât allow yourself to waver just because heâs showing a little skin. Youâre better than this. He isnât even trying. âCome here, my pretty baby.âÂ
âNo,â you turn up your nose, crossing your arms. âYou come over here.âÂ
âPleaseeeee,â Oikawa whines, âDonât be mad. Come on bestie.âÂ
You donât budge. Work harder, Oikawa Tooru.
âBaby, baby, baby, baby,â he chants, trying to be annoying, but youâre the annoying one in this relationship. He has to do better than that.
Oikawa stops when he realises heâs not getting anywhere, and itâs silent for a momentâ a moment too long in your humble opinion. But youâre still turned away, determined to act as petulant as possible despite the fact that you want so badly to turn and see what heâs doing.Â
You donât have to wait long though, because Oikawa clears his throat and says, âHey, do you remember when we were in elementary school and you accidentally called our teacher âDadâ?â
You whip your head around immediately to see him with the most nonchalant expression on his face, looking at his nails. âShut up, that was so embarrassing, why would you bring that up?â
But Oikawa just carries on, âThere was also this time when you were going to confess to whatâs his name? That kid who dyed their hair blond and always skipped classââ
âI donât remember him,â you glare.
âI wish I didnât remember him,â Oikawa shakes his head, âYou secretly made him homemade chocolate with peanuts on Valentineâs day, because that was your favourite kind, but then he came to class all upset because someone had left food he was allergic to on his desk. And then our teacher had to lecture us on kindness and how we shouldnât be threatening peopleââ
âOh my god,â you cover your ears, but itâs no use because Oikawa has always been a loud talker. He learned it from the best (you, obviously).Â
âWait, do you remember when we sneaked out to go to a party for the first time, and you got so drunk that I had to carry you home? But you were making so much noise, you woke your parents and I,â Oikawa puts a solemn hand on his chest, âhad to watch you try to fool your mother, even though you couldnât even stand up straight, and then promptly puked overââÂ
âBe quiet!â you huff, but he only raises a brow, âBut Y/N, I have so many other stories to tell and youâre just so far awayââ
Your fingers are curling at your side. Your ears feel hot. These are the memories that keep you awake at night and heâs bringing it all up. Oikawa has witnessed too many embarrassing moments in your life. You have to kill him.Â
You march up to him at full speed and immediately cover his mouth, and the two of you go toppling down the bed. You try to grab a pillow to suffocate him with, but in your attempt to do that, Oikawa manages to roll you over and youâre the one who ends up trapped. He smiles, âFinally got you.âÂ
You glare at him, âIâm going to break up with you.âÂ
âNo, you wonât.â Oikawa says, confidently, and then he suddenly drops his weight on you as you groan in pain. âTooru, please try to remember how heavy you actually are.â
Oikawa rubs his head against yours, snaking his arm around your waist in an effort to hug you, âAre you actually worried about our dinner?âÂ
âYes,â you pout, âIâve been telling you this whole time. Were you not listening?âÂ
âI was,â he says, âI just didnât realise you were actually serious about it. Baby, they love you. Youâre family. Youâve had a seat at our dining table for years now. Theyâve known you longer than my sisterâs boyfriend.âÂ
âThey know me too well,â you frown, âyouâre okaachanâs baby, and i donât know if I fit the person she imagined you bringing home.âÂ
Oikawa sighs, pulling himself up just enough so that he can look at your face. âI get it. I get that itâs probably weird for you too, considering my mom has been like a second mom for you all these years.âÂ
âYeah,â you say in a small voice, âYou get me.âÂ
âComes with being by your side for the past ten years,â Oikawa grins, and then he says, âIâm going to tell you something embarrassing right now, which I know youâre going to bring up to tease me aboutââÂ
âI would never,â you smile, knowing you totally would.Â
âI donât believe you,â Oikawa rolls his eyes, âbut Iâm going to tell you anyway, because itâll make you feel so much better about this whole thing.âÂ
You nod, âOkay, go on.â
He sighs, aggressively, âMom knows Iâve had a stupid crush on you for years now. Long before I even knew about it, and she used to tease me about when I was going to ask you out. I suffered so much and Iâd always be like, I canât ask her out, she doesnât like me like that.â
Oikawa imitates his momâs voice, âTooru, please open your eyes. She clearly likes you.â
You actually feel a little shy at hearing that. Itâs one thing to be called obvious by a bunch of your friends, but for his mom to clearly see it? Thatâs a whole new level of embarrassment.Â
You clear your throat, âYou, uh, should have listened to her. Sheâs always right.âÂ
âWhy should I make the first move?â Oikawa argues, âYou know Iâd never ask someone out if I was even one percent unsure.âÂ
âYouâre the older one between the two of us,â you retort.Â
He laughs, âSuddenly, Iâm the older one.âÂ
âYeah, those three months mean youâve eaten ninety more bowls of rice. Look at how tall you are. Wish I had those extra months.â you joke, and Oikawa falls onto his back laughing.Â
You turn to your side, so you can follow the way his body shakes with laughter. Watching the way his body slowly settles, how his large grin becomes a soft smile. Oikawa reaches over and pinches your nose, âDonât be worried about dinner. Thereâs nobody else theyâd rather have with me than you.âÂ
âOkay,â you breathe out, and with it, all the tension in your body.Â
Oikawaâs hand comes to rest gently at your cheek, and he leans closer to press a soft kiss against your lips. You barely get to kiss him back before he pulls away.Â
âYouâll see,â he smiles, the sight of it comforting and familiar, âItâll feel just like coming home.âÂ
SUMMARY: sometimes the best way to get over someone is to actually just date them. or in your hopeless case, ask them to help you practice dating.
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Itâs funny.
Youâve spent so long trying to bury the words I love you down your throat, and now that youâve said it out loud, the words refuse to stay in your mouth. Certain words have special qualities to them; I love you demands to be heard, to be felt, and it petulantly sits heavily on your tongue until you have no choice but to spit out.
And bless you, they were so heavy to carry. No wonder now that youâve said it out loud you feel an extraordinary lightness, you might as well be a tiny piece of dust floating in the air. If you jump off that cliff now and take that leap of faith, you might not even crash into the water. Maybe youâll fly.
You tell Suna first, because when something happens in your life, itâs always him there by your side. So you call him as you walk to class. Itâs just after lunch, with the sun high up in the sky. Perfect time for good news. Suna answers within three rings, âWhatâs up?â
âRin, I think Iâm going to do what you said,â you say, âIâm gonna end it and tell him how I feel.â
âOh Y/N,â Suna says, and the phone can barely translate the emotion in his voice, âIâm proud of you. I think this is the right decision.â
âYeahâŚâ you agree. You stop under the shade of a treeâs leafy arms and whisper, âRin, Iâm in love. I just... wanted to let you know.â
Suna breathes, âI know. Iâve known from the very start.â
You just laugh. How jubilant it is to have a friend who knows you better than yourself.
You donât want to rush into it though. There are still matters that need to be taken care of before you can tell Osamu how you feel. The most pressing of which is the stupid practice dating contract. The original copy of which sits somewhere on Osamuâs desk. He insisted that he kept it lest you accidentally use it as scratch paper for your music composition class. It was proof of your indebtedness and Osamuâs reward for helping you practice dating.
When you tell Osamu you love him, you want a clean slate. You don't want it misconstrued as anything but what it is.
So, on another Wednesday afternoon, you ask Osamu over text if heâd like to go eat some hotpot with you, your treat. You set your phone aside, figuring Osamu wonât respond for a bit. But as soon as you put your phone down, it vibrates immediately. You laugh to yourself and pick it up to respond, but not even a second later, you get a phone call from the man himself.
âHello?â you answer.
âIs this a serious offer?â Osamu says, âOr are you teasing me? If you know how I feel, you know that meat is no joking matter to me.â
âSamu, I know you,â you say solemnly, âI would never joke about meat with you.â
âOh my god,â Osamu groans, âIâm gonna be thinking about this the whole day. When? Tonight? Dinner? What time are you done with everything todayââ
You laugh, âCalm down, Iâm not going to take the offer back and change my mind. This is me, paying you back for all the practice dating you helped me with.â
âOh?â Osamu says, âI forgot about that.â
âWell, I didnât!â you say, âAnd Iâm actually done for the day. So I can meet you at your apartment whenever you want.â
Osamu snorts, âIf you think Iâm going to be able to concentrate on whatever Iâm doing after mentioning free meat, youâre funny. Get your ass here now. Before Suna comes home. I am not sharing with himââ
âOkay, okay,â you laugh again, standing up from your chair and stepping away from your desk. You grab your coat and begin to put your shoes on, âIâm coming. Give me like ten minutes.â
âFive minutes,â Osamu tries to convince you, but you snort. âNo, Iâll be there in ten minutes. Iâll see you soon,â and then hang up.
Just because you like to make Osamu sweat a little, you take your sweet time walking to their apartment. Your good mood is at an all time high, and not even the future emptiness of your wallet is enough to detract from it.
When you arrive at their apartment, you knock on their door to announce your arrival and you can literally hear Osamu running to the door. Youâre greeted by a relieved Osamu, âY/N, youâre here!â
You do a little cheer, âYes, Iâm here! Should we go? Are you ready?â
âIâm born ready,â Osamu says, and he doesnât even let you inside. He just steps out and locks the door behind him, âLetâs go. Time is of the essence hereââ
But then, the both of you hear the distinct sound of Akaashiâs laughter and seconds later, you hear footsteps round the corner into the hallway where their apartment door is on. Itâs Suna, with Miwa and Akaashi.
Suna waves at the both of you, while Miwa and Akaashi walk over with excitement. Miwa tilts her head to the side, âAre you guys going out or going in?â
God, you think, why did we decide to meet at their apartment? You can already see how this is going to end. Youâre both such bad liars. You don't mind if your wallet is emptied because of Osamu, but to pay for three more people? You canât afford it.
Osamu tries to save your dinner, stuffing his hands in his oversized denim jacket to look casual, âYeah, weâre just going out.â
Itâs not a lie and itâs smart to keep it vague. Good going, Osamu. But neither of you have ever been able to hide something from Suna successfully. He just knows you too well.
Suna narrows his eyes, âDinner?â
You feel yourself shrink behind Osamu, trying to avoid eye contact with all three of them. Suna alone can read through you, and any excuses you have about wanting to eat by yourselves will be shut down by Miwa.
Osamu shrugs, unable to give up without trying, âWe havenât decided yet. Weâll probably get something along the way?â
âReally?â Suna says, slowly, like heâs giving some time to confess before he unmasks you like Scooby-Doo villains. âWe were wondering what to do about dinner, so maybe we can just tag along?â
You cringe and then accidentally make eye contact with Akaashi, who is possibly the worst person you can make eye contact with. Akaashi looks at you so innocently and smiles so nicely, âDonât you want to eat together, Y/N?â
You have a conscience. You sigh and tug at Osamuâs sleeve, âSamu, letâs just take them with us.â
Osamu looks at you betrayed, mouth in a full pout, and whines, âBut my meat!â
It only takes Suna half a second to realize, âYou guys were going to get some hotpot without inviting us? Oh my god, seriouslyââ
âRin, I can explainââ you try, but Suna just dramatically puts a hand up, âI understand that Iâve been replaced by this, this best friend wannabeââÂ
âOh my god, calm down!â Osamu says, rolling his eyes, âAlso, you did not just call me a wannabe. For your information, Y/N probably likes me better because Iâm sexierââ
Suna rolls his eyes this time, âIâve heard that a million times, but funny enough only from youââ
âMany people have said so! Y/N thinks so!â Osamu yells, running his hands through his hair in a way he thinks is attractive.
âShe doesnât countââ
You wish they would both calm down and shut up.
This goes on for a while, and then it skirts the line of too long when you feel a headache coming on. You look, pleading, at Miwa, who just looks amused at the whole thing. Miwa mouths, what do you want me to do? and you glare and gesture for her to stop this.
Miwa exhales deeply, before rolling her shoulders and getting in between Osamu and Suna and pulling both their ears.
âOw!â âOuch!â They both turn to Miwa with glares, but Miwa doesnât even flinch, which is comical considering how short they make her look. âCan we go eat? Can you guys argue by yourselves later? Weâre all hungry.â
You cautiously sidle up to them and say, âWe can still get some hotpot and barbecue. One round of meat on me.â
Itâs Akaashi who gets them all going, linking his arms with Osamu and Suna and dragging them towards the exit of their apartment complex, âCheer up everyone. Youâre all just hangry. Like what that commercial for a Snickers bar said, you guys are not you when youâre hungryââ
You link your arms with Miwa and their bad moods sizzle away as Akaashi chatters amicably all the way to the restaurant.
Miwa breathes in the cool spring air and sighs happily, âFeels like I havenât talked to you in a while.â
âJust you wait,â you say, âOnce finals season comes, youâll be so sick of me. But I get what you mean. The five of us hang out often enough, but we havenât really hung out by ourselves in a while.â
âWe should change that,â Miwa says, âLetâs go out just the two of us. Ditch Osamu for once, okay?â
You laugh, âYouâre the one with the real actual boyfriend. Which is so unfair, by the way. I was your friend first, and now, you prefer Rin over me.â
âThatâs only half true,â Miwa says, âI like you both in different ways. Also, howâs the practice dating thing going? Do you feel like youâre going to do great at the real thing?â
You sigh, looking ahead at where Osamu is, still being dragged by Akaashi along with Suna. Theyâre up farther ahead than you guys and as long as you aren't yelling, they probably wonât hear your conversation. âIt went too well, I think. But Iâm planning on stopping it soon. Think itâs time for the real thing.â
Miwa gives you a side-long glance, âFinally. Itâs been time for the real thing for a while now. Youâre the bravest person I know.â
âThatâs not true. Youâre braver than me. You got together with Rin, first,â you explain.
Miwa shakes her head, âThatâs not brave at all. I only said something because he was being too obvious. I would have to be blind to not know. If I was unsure, I donât think I would have said something. But you, youâve always leaped without checking where you were going to land.â
You hum, considering what Miwa had just said, âMaybe I am brave. I think every person in love has to be.â
âAnd are you?â Miwa asks, âIn love, I mean?â
You sigh, âHead over heels, dude.â
And Miwa laughs, bright and twinkling, âGood for you, Y/N. Congrats. You have what all the songs on the radio canât stop singing about. Finally, you can stop those depressing songs about unrequited love when we go to karaoke.â
âYouâre the one who always puts them on!â
And just like that, by the time theyâre sitting down, have ordered, and for plates of real meat to get there, the only thing sizzling is the bbq that youâre in charge of cooking.
Youâre seated like this: You and Osamu on one side, and then Akaashi, Miwa, and Suna on the other side. Thereâs something about the smoke going up in the air, the smell of meat, the sound of glasses clinking all around them. Nothing else matters; the stress of the day melts away and what lingers is the promise of something good.
Already, everyoneâs anticipating the first batch of meat to be done. Beside you, Osamu peers over the grill, chopsticks attempting to grab one for himself, âI think itâs ready.â
You block his attempt with tongs, âNo, itâs not.â
Suna snickers, and Osamu sticks his tongue out at him. Youâre the youngest between the three of you, but sometimes, you feel like youâre the oldest. How can two adults turn into children when theyâre with each other?
You busy yourself with cutting the meat into smaller pieces, then pushing it to the side to make room for the intestines Osamu ordered too.
âY/N,â Akaashi calls out to you, and you hum in acknowledgement, âWhatâs up, Keiji?â
âHow do you know when the meat is done cooking?â
You look up and smile, âWell, I just follow my heart.â
Akaashi uncharacteristically lets out a small whine, and god, he shouldnât be allowed to be this cute. You laugh, âIâm kidding, okay, look,â You use the tongs to pick up a piece thatâs a moment away from looking done, âtypically, you just have to wait until it looks golden and crispy on both sides. So this one, one sideâs done already and this side, probably just needs another minute or two.â
Akaashi nods, âI see, I see. I never know when itâs done. Miwa just says itâs better if itâs burnt than not cooked enough.â
You laugh, turning to Osamu and putting a hand on his shoulder, âSamu says the same thing. Iâm not a fan of burnt meat, so I always have to cook when we go out.â
Osamu tilts his head, so itâs resting on your hand. He chimes in too, âItâs the only time Iâve ever seen her cook.â
âI cook ramen all the time,â you roll your eyes, snatching your hand back, âAs if you cook for us all the time!â
âThatâs cause Iâm too tired to cook for you,â Osamu says, rolling his neck slowly and sighing when he hears it crack, âIn between all my classes and assignments, take-out is the most pleasing option.â
âI heard youâre really good, Osamu-san!â Akaashi exclaims excitedly. âIâm friends with some of the people in your class and a lot of them are in awe of how hard you work.âÂ
Hard work is an understatement, you think but keep to yourself. Osamu will certainly speak for himself, anyway. Like so: Osamu scratches the back of his head, but the compliment makes him look like a pleased little cat, eyes disappearing into slits and mouth curving into a satisfied smile, âThank you for the compliment! I work hard so I think Iâm pretty good too.â
Akaashi laughs at the lack of denial, âWow, you donât hear that often. Usually, people deny and say theyâre not that good.â
Osamu shrugs, âItâs good to be confident? Like Iâm not saying that Iâm the best right? Thereâs always room for improvement.â
âOh?â Akaashi slyly looks at you as he asks, âAre you a scary perfectionist too?â
âNo?â Osamu asks, glancing at you too, âIs Y/N still that scary in class?â
âNo, Iâm not,â you snort, transferring the cooked pieces of pork belly onto Akaashiâs plate, so he would shut up. âBe quiet.â
At hearing his favourite person about to be bullied, Suna zeroes in on the conversation, âShe is scary. When sheâs mad, she bites.â
Miwa beside him gasps, eyes comically wide, âOur cute little Y/N? Itâs always the innocent looking ones who are truly hiding something.â
âStop,â you whine, âI am literally the kindest person you know.â
Miwa shakes her head, âKind people donât have to say that theyâre kind.â
Suna also adds, âAlso, Akaashi is the kindest person I know.â
âI canât believe you guys are bullying me when Iâm slaving over the grill for you all,â you complain, although you don't falter in transferring the cooked pieces to peopleâs plates. You snort when everybody shuts up and starts eating. Your friend group is all the same. Nobody talks when theyâre eating. You get started on a different cut of meat right away, adjusting it to sit more closely to the middle of the grill.
Osamu reaches out and rubs your shoulder, âYou should eat first. Itâs not going to burn if you leave it alone for like five minutes to eat.â
You look at him and then at your own plate, âOh, I forgot to leave some for myself. Itâs okay, Iâll just wait for this next batch to finish.â
.
.
.
You get this way sometimes; when youâre too focused on something, you forget your own surroundings and even yourself. Oh well, you can eat some side dishes in the meantime. But when you look over at your plate, you see a couple of pieces of the pork belly on your plate.
You turn to Osamu, but whatever you were going to say disappears at the sight of Osamu making a wrap for himself â on the palm of his hand sits a lettuce leaf and heâs piling rice upon meat upon sauce. You canât help but wonder how in the world Osamu is going to fit all of that in his mouth. Sometimes, as weird as it sounds, watching Osamu eat can be so entertaining. The man could simply make two smaller wraps and eat the same amount, but that would just be too easy. You watche with morbid curiosity as he finally tucks everything inside to close the wrap. But instead of putting it in his mouth, he turns to you and says, âSay ahââ
âSamu,â you eye the wrap with horror, âNo.â
âBut Y/N,â Osamu pouts, pushing the wrap closer to you, âI made it for you. With love.â
You cover your mouth, âSamu, you made that for yourself. Do you want me dead?â
In front of you, Suna hurriedly makes a wrap too, before turning to Miwa, âMiwa, say ahhââ
Miwa turns red, glancing at you and Osamu, before shyly opening her mouth and eating the wrap Suna made for her. It would have been cute if it didnât make Osamu even more determined to feed you. To make matters worse, Akaashi also hurriedly makes a wrap and cutely says, âRin-chan, say ahh,â and shamelessly, Suna opens his mouth to eat it.
Youâre being ganged up on. AGAIN.
Osamu presses the wrap against your closed mouth and says in a cutesy voice, âBaby, say ahhââ
And you have no choice but to do it, though let the record show youâre doing it out of spite. If you choke and die before you can tell Osamu you love him, then thatâs on everybody on this damn table. You open your mouth and by some miracle, the wrap actually fits inside â albeit it makes you look like an extra for the Alvin and the Chipmunks live action movie.
Everyone at the table cheers, while you carefully chew through it. You feel like five years have passed by the time you manage to swallow the whole thing. Immediately, you down your cup of water, glaring at Osamu, who was happily eating his way through the meat youâd placed on his plate earlier.
âStop watching me eat, sicko,â Osamu says, without looking at you. âThis is why youâre gonna run out of food again.â
You huff turning back to your plate, âIâm not watching you eat. I was glaring at you, thereâs a difference.â
Osamu rolls his eyes, âYouâre so obsessed with me.â And then he stands up and checks on the meat, âIâll do this next round, so just eat. The food tastes better when everyone is happy.â
You sniff, âI see your secret motive. Teasing me like this when you really want me to just sit down and eat. I see you, Samu. My heart is touched. I didnât realise you could be this warmââ
Osamu pretends he doesnât hear it, but you can see his ears are red. He can dish it out, but he can never take it. Since youâre in a good mood today, youâll let him live for now. But it wonât stop you from looking like a pleased little cat as you eat your food.
When itâs time to order their next batch of meats to grill, Akaashi eyes the menu and asks, âDo you think we can get some shrimp?â
âI want shrimp too,â Sunaâs eyes widen in excitement, but then he deflates, âBut we shouldnât. Y/N canât eat shrimp.â
âAlso, this is a meat restaurant,â Osamu pipes up, as his hand reaches for yours under the table, âitâs probably more worth it to get seafood some other time.â
Osamu smiles comfortingly atyou, and youâre touched once again at how Osamu is taking care of your feelings. You want to kiss him in front of everybody in this restaurant. You settle for intertwining your fingers under the table. You do feel a little bad though, when Akaashi pouts about the shrimp. You don't really care that much and youâve got a lot of other things to eat, so you tell him, âItâs fine. Go ahead and order it, as long as you get me a cut of the pork shoulder.â
But you just nodsand canât help but laugh when Akaashi cheers. Suna is pleased too, âI see. When Akaashi asks, itâs okay. But all the other times weâve eaten out and I wanted shrimp, itâs a nooooââ
âShut up,â you say, shoving a piece of pickled radish into Sunaâs mouth. âIâm in a good mood today. Also, I have to be good to the person whoâs partnered with me in class.â
âI donât know about that,â Suna raises a brow, âIf theyâre being sneaky, I think you have to bully them and teach them a lessonââ
You gasp, âIs that so? Should I tell Samu about how you think heâs a pig forââ
Suna glares at you, shoving a chock full of rice into your mouth, âI never said anything like that, you traitorous foolââ
Osamu looks at peace, not even minding them. Itâs just the way you and Suna operate, and heâs learned early on not to interfere, lest he wants both of you to gang up on him instead. In any case, they get settled once more food is brought to the table. Everything looks so vibrant and mouthwatering. It makes you feel so grateful and happy to be here with everyone, even if the original plan was to just have this with Osamu.
Eventually though, this beautiful feast does end and youâre so afraid to look at the bill. You come up to the front of the restaurant where the register is and ask for the tab. You sigh as you pull out your card, thinking about all the shifts you worked at your part time job. Capitalism sucks.
When the restaurant worker hands you the tab, you decide youâre not actually going to look at how much it is. Itâs not like itâs going to change anything, so you just put your card down. But just before you hand it back to the worker, somebody grabs it out of your hands. When you turn towards the culprit, you pout, âOsamu, no. This is my treat.â
Osamu shakes his head, pulling out his wallet, âItâs your treat to me only. So, youâre only allowed to pay for the amount that you and I have eaten. Iâll pay for the rest of theirs.â
âBut Samuuu,â you whine, âThe point is youâre not paying for anything. And tonight was fun, so I can do it.â
âDonât worry,â Osamu smiles, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you towards him. âIâm sending Suna a big fat bill for it. Itâs too much money for you to shoulder by yourself.â
âOkay,â you sigh with resignation, but youâre rewarded for it with a kiss on your nose. You blink up at Osamu who laughs at your expression, âYouâre being very cute today. Why is that?â
âIâm always this cute,â you say, throwing a peace sign up to your face.
You get your cards back from the register and you sign it both, pocketing their respective receipts. Your three other friends are waiting for you guys outside.
Miwa perks up when she sees you walking out of the restaurant, âDid you guys want to grab dessert? Just something small to balance the savoury meal weâve just had.â
Youâre honestly way too full for it, but you want the good vibes to continue, so you nod. âSure, Iâm down,â and the rest follow suit.
This time, Miwa leads the way, with Osamu walking beside Suna. Naturally, you and Akaashi fall right into step with each other. Akaashi lightly bumps his shoulders against yours, âYou look really happy today. Did something happen?â
You smile, âEverybody has been commenting on that. Is it that obvious?â
Akaashi shrugs, âYou just seem less worried in general. At ease?â
âYeah, thatâs actually pretty true,â you agree, âYou know how I asked you for that one thing that one time?â
âHuh?â Akaashi looks at you with confusion, âCan you be more specific?â
âThat thing,â you say, puckering your mouth, âYou know? Remember?â
âOh!â Akaashi laughs, âItâs related to that?â
âYeah, Iâve found the answer I was searching for.â you say, staring at Osamuâs back. âFinally admitted it to myself.â
Akaashi follows your stare, âAh, I see, I see.â
âTurns out, kissing someone you love just makes the whole experience better,â you whisper, and Akaashi snorts, âI could have told you that myself.â
âYeah, but I was in denial then,â you admit, âWhat about you? What are you going to do about your special first kiss?â
Akaashi flushes, his eyes shifting to where Miwa is leading the group, and you immediately understand, looping your arms with his. âSay no more, Keiji. Say no more.â
There is no one that understands more than you, the need to touch just to see if it would burn. Youâll be there for Akaashi when he figures his own stuff out. Akaashi lightly bumps his head against yours in thanks for not saying anything more, and you do him a solid by changing the topic to your project instead.
Eventually, they arrive at an ice cream shop, one that Suna, Miwa, and Akaashi clearly frequent a lot, by the way the workers greets them with familiarity. You were just going to steal some from Sunaâs order but decide against it when you see what flavours he got. You figure youâll be able to eat at least a kidâs size, so you get that with a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.
You don't regret it when you get your order and take a delicious bite off it. You let out a pleased hum, shivering in delight at the rich, decadent flavour that hits your tongue. You canât help but do a little dance, as you walk back to their apartment.
Osamu laughs at you, âYouâre really in a good mood, huh?â
You jokingly turn your nose up when you see Osamuâs ice cream of choice, âItâs what happens when you get the superior ice cream flavour.â
âI know thatâs not true, because youâre not eating mint chocolate chip,â Osamu says, âBut Iâm happy for you. Whatâs the cause of this good mood, huh?â
You eye the way Osamu takes a spoonful of his mint chocolate chip ice cream into his mouth before flickering back up with a smile, âThatâs a secret. I canât tell you yet.â
âWhy not?â Osamu pouts, âIs it that important?â
You go back to eating your own ice cream, âItâs the most important thing to me right now. Iâll tell you soon enough.â
âWhen?â Osamu whines, âI bet Suna knows already.â
You roll your eyes, âSuna knows things before I even find out about it. Also, I donât know? Maybe, Iâll tell you⌠tomorrow?â
âUgh,â Osamu says, grabbing another spoonful of ice cream, âFine. Iâll hold you to that, but now, Iâm really curious.â
You laugh, but youâre distracted by the way Osamu slowly drags the spoon clean of ice cream from his mouth, like heâs really savouring the taste. âIâm curious too.â
âHm?â Osamu turns to you confused.
You bite your lip, gesturing to the ice cream in Osamuâs hands, âWhat makes that ice cream so good to you?â
Osamu rolls his eyes, taking a spoonful for you to taste and bringing it to your mouth, âHere, you shouldâve just said you wanted a bite.â
You open your mouth and close it around the spoon, feeling the strong creamy mint taste hit your tongue. You look into Osamuâs eyes as he slowly pulls his spoon out of your mouth. You watch the way Osamu follows the movement of your lips, especially the way you wipe it clean of any ice cream with your tongue.
âItâs less appalling than usual,â you say. You wonder if itâs because of the ice cream or the fact the spoon had been in Osamuâs mouth before.
Osamu just eats another bite of his ice cream, keeping the spoon in his mouth, as he gives you a small distracted laugh. You wonder what heâs savouring this time, if itâs the ice cream or the fact that itâs been in your mouth.
One thingâs for sure: youâre savouring all of this, this precious in between, this slow lead up to the first confession of your life.
.
.
.
Today is going to be cinematically beautiful.
You should go ahead and mark it on your calendar, because today is the day youâre telling Osamu you love him.
You have a set idea of how you want it to go; youâre going to ask him to meet you at your dorm, where youâre going to set up a feast consisting of all the food Osamu likes to eat. Itâs a terribly long list, but youâve narrowed it down to his top picks which are ramen and onigiri. Youâre also planning to get him some essential side dishes like rice and miso, his favourite drink, and maybe some macarons for dessert. It seems overkill, but itâs so essential to you that Osamu eats well. Because a full Osamu is a happy Osamu.
After you finish eating, youâll bring up the practice dating contract. You want to thank him for helping you with it, but also, youâll need to tell him that you don't need to practice dating anymore. Youâre ready for the real thing and you want it with him. Because you love him.
Before you can get there though, you need to get everything set up. Plus, you still have to do your routine visit to Osamuâs library sessions where you bring him snacks. Itâs something that you had started doing because of the practice dating contract, but it made him happy enough that you just kept doing it. Besides, itâs a nice excuse to see him even for a little while. Another one of your favourite past times is watching him in his element.
Anyway, you don't get too many snacks this time. Itâs one of the few days where Osamu finishes up early because of his longer class schedule, and he has a large feast waiting for him anyway. You simply pick up an energy drink and a couple packs of kit kats, and then youâre on your way to see him.
You walk with your bag of snacks and a brightness that turns the whole world golden. Itâs the way the light filters through the little spaces between every treeâs leafy branches, creating little pockets of brightness. Itâs the shyness of these same trees, their crowns of leaves stopping just a breath away from another, creating skylit gaps in the sky. The beauty of the world turns your heart tender, as if the world is holding it in its hands and cheering it on as it takes its first flight. Spread your angel wings, little bird.
You arrive soon enough to the library and you barely have to think as you make your way to the area where all the individual rooms are located. When you get to his usual room, youâve surprisingly arrived at a time where theyâre actually having a break. Guess you wonât have to worry about interrupting today.Â
You knock on the door and peek through the little window to signal your arrival. Osamu doesnât notice you at first, but one of the other third years, Iwaizumi Hajime, sees you and waves at you to come in. Heâs seen you enough times to know who youâre here for, so he yells at Osamu, âHey Samu, someoneâs here for you.â
Osamu perks up, turning immediately where youâre standing. You make a cute little heart with your hands as he gets up and walks towards you. Osamu grabs you by the arm and brings you out of the room, back into an empty hallway. You don't know why he does that, but it works out well enough for you, especially with what you want to ask him.
âHi, Samu,â you smile up at him, âI didnât get you much today, but I hope you like it.â
Osamu takes the plastic bag from you and peers into it, âOooh, thatâs okay. You know I like whatever you bring.â
âClassic human incinerator, Miya Osamu,â you tease and Osamu jokingly glares at you, hands creeping up your waist and pressing them where youâre ticklish.
âHey, no, I was just kiddingââ you say, trying to shy away from Osamuâs hands, but find that youâre backed up against the wall and you have no choice but to be under the mercy of the tickle monster, Miya Osamu.Â
You giggle, as your side gets poked. He smugly says, âTake that back! Who are you calling a human incinerator?â
âNo oneââ you barely get out before twisting in laughter, âNo one! I only know Smart King, Miya Osamu, stop itââ
You manage to grab ahold of his hand, gripping them tight between your bodies. Osamu triumphantly smiles, âThis is why you respect your elders, Y/N. This is what happensââ
âOoh, Iâm so scared,â you exaggeratedly shiver in fear.
Osamu thankfully just rolls his eyes, too used to your disrespectful behaviour. âWhat are we doing for dinner tonight? Iâve been thinking about it since lunch when Suna told me heâs going on a date instead.â
You gasp, âWeâve been ditched again? What happened to putting your homies first? I wonât forgive him for this.â
âI know,â Osamu says, conspiratorially, âHe gets a girlfriend and he barely remembers his best friends. It really shows us what kind of person heâs become. Heâs changed, heâs not the old Suna weâve knownââ
You laugh and Osamu canât help but laugh too. You figure now is a good time to ask him about tonight, âSeriously, though. For dinner, do you want to come have it at my place then? Iâll take care of the food.â
âYou will?â Osamu asks, âWhatâs gotten into you? The wallet is being opened so much lately. Remember when all you did was leech from us?â
âI was not that bad!â you deny, rolling your eyes, âBut anyway, will you come over then? Please? I need to tell you what you were asking about the other day.â
âYeah, Iâll come over,â Osamu says with curiosity in his eyes, âDo you mean the cause of your very good mood the other day?â
You nod, âYeah!â and he reaches up to brush the hair out of your eyes, a soft smile on his face, âOkay, I look forward to it then.â
âOkay,â you say, âIâll see you later then?â
âYeah,â Osamu breathes out. You make an awkward gesture with your hands, pointing to the direction of the exit, but you don't really move from your spot. Osamu doesnât either.
âIâm gonna go then,â you say, still not moving, and Osamu just nods, âOkay, goodbye.â
You pout, âArenât you forgetting something?â
âWhat,â Osamu says, blankly, âYou want a hug goodbye?â
You roll your eyes, but youâre not going to fall into his trap, âNah, nevermind. Iâll see you later.â
You finally make a move to leave and Osamu pulls you back as he bursts out laughing, âAh, come on, stop being cute. Iâm just teasing. Come here, baby. Iâll give you the kiss you want.â
âIâm fine,â you say, but itâs no use, he gives you a big smooch on your cheek. âYouâre so gross!â you say, wiping your face. âIâm going home.â
âNo, whereâs my kiss?â Osamu says, puckering his mouth. âHmm?â
You glare at him, but you know Osamu wonât let you leave without a kiss goodbye. You hate yourself for finding his antics cute. You hate how you don't hate it all. You petulantly give him a quick peck on the lips, âThere!â
âWorst kiss ever!â Osamu complains, âI canât believe I have to show you properly how itâs done. Again!â
You tried not to laugh, you really do, but itâs impossible to stay mad at him. Not when Osamu is smiling so happily at you, not when Osamu cups your cheeks, not when Osamu kisses you stupid to the point where you almost say, fuck it, iâm not waiting until tonight to tell him i love u.
But you manage to hold back as Osamu pulls away satisfied once again by the mess heâs caused. âOkay, now you can leave. Iâll see you later.â
Youâre left watching him walk back into the study room with your heart in your mouth.
You dazedly walk out of the building, with your brain trying to restart, and when youâve calmed down enough, you realise that youâve forgotten to ask him what time you can expect him to be done with practice. You figure you can just text him for that answer, but at the same time, youâre close enough to go back and just ask.
You roll your eyes, knowing Osamu is going to make some joke about how you just canât get enough of him. She wants me so bad, Osamu would say. Heâs right, but he shouldnât say it.
You do hurry back to their study room though, in hopes that their break hasnât ended. To your luck, it looks like they were all still lounging around and the door was left wide open to let some air in. Youâre about to knock on the door again, but pause when you hear your name being spoken by one of his friends.
âY/N is too nice. How come she brings you food all the time?â The voice is one he can recognize, a popular student named Oikawa Tooru. âCan she bring enough snacks for the whole team next time?â
Thereâs laughter to be heard at that. You hear another person chime in, this time itâs a teasing voice from one you recognize as Kuroo Tetsurou. âThatâs cause Y/N is his girlfriend, Tooru. Why donât you get your own girlfriend to feed us, huh?â
You blush at the comment, stepping closer to the wall to hide yourself lest youâre seen eavesdropping. Oikawa says something, but you miss it. You do hear Osamuâs response, âOh my god, she is not my girlfriend.â
âThatâs not what I heard,â Kuroo pipes up, âIâve seen you guys at parties and you guys are always together.â
Another person comments, âI havenât seen you go on a date this whole semester either. Oh⌠are you, like, working your way up to asking her outââ
âNoââ Osamu denies, but another continues, âBecause I would hurry. I have a couple friends who were talking about her, wondering if she was single.â
âShut up, itâs not like that between us. But also, which friends of yours?â you hear Osamu ask.
âWhy, why, why?â Kuroo teases, âIf youâre not dating and not interested, then why are you so curious?â
Osamu scoffs, âBecause sheâs my friend? And a younger one at that. I have a responsibility to take care of her, sheâs like my little sister. Now, tell me, so I can vet themââ
âNo, thanks. Iâm no snitch.â The unnamed person says.
You listen to all of this, feeling like youâre sinking into a dream. You hear the words, youâre processing them, and you know the meaning of all the words separately but youâre having a hard time putting them all together. Itâs like Osamu is speaking in a language you don't understand. This is a dream.
And just like in any old dream, you feel like youâre moving to the tune of an invisible maestro. You want to leave, you want to wake up, but you canât move. The music is not done.
You hear Oikawa speak again, âSo what youâre saying is youâre single? Dude, you should have told me! Iâve been telling people you were dating somebody. Theyâve been asking me to set them up with you.â
You hear a bunch of jeers at that comment. You feel like theyâre personally directed at you. Your heart tightens in your chest and you wonder whatâs next. Osamu speaks again, âI canât date right now though. Iâm⌠tied up with somebody else right now and not really sure when itâs going to be done.â
âLook at him making excuses,â Oikawa laughs, âIâm giving them your number anyway. Iâm sick of being a middle man. Iâm telling them youâre single but waiting to mingleââ
You hear someone groan at the comment, but you barely hear whatever is said after. Your heart is pounding hard in your chest and you try to swallow the lump welling at your throat. You need to get out. You need to leave before you hear any more of this.
You hear footsteps at the other end of the hallway and the sudden possibility of being recognized by someone brings you to a panic, and finally then can your body move. You walk, almost like youâre possessed by somebody else, out of that building, with your head down. You canât afford to be seen. You canât.
The only thing that is running through your mind right now is that you have to get home immediately. You pray nobody talks to you, nobody touches you accidentally, and that nobody gets in your way. And thankfully, nobody did. You barely remember that walk home; your whole body was united in its effort to walk as fast as you could. But there isnât even relief when you reach your apartment door and you don't even notice that your hands are trembling until you fish your keys out of your pocket to unlock it.
It takes you several pathetic tries and almost break down when you drop your keys to the floor. When you finally get it right, you throw yourself inside the apartment, lock the door closed and sink down to the floor.
The floor is hard and cold and when you lay your forehead against it, it feels very much real. This isnât a dream. As your mind replays the words you weren't meant to hear, you conclude pitifully that perhaps the last few months was the dream. And now you are awake.
How could Osamu say that?
How could Osamu kiss you the way he did and moments later say that?
You canât unhear it no matter what you do.
I have to take care of her. Sheâs like my little sister. Osamu had said. Even wanted to take a look at the people who were interested in you to vet them. And then, he had said he was tied up with somebody and cited that as the reason he couldnât date.
It doesnât make any fucking sense.
You had explicitly asked Osamu about ending it and he made it sound like he was shackled to you. All because of a crumpled up piece of paper organized by a pre-law student. He had said that he would tell you if he wanted out at any time. And he didnât. Instead, heâd let you hold his hand, share his bed, and mark his neck all in the name of taking care of him. He is so fucking kind.
It fills you with a wicked sense of fiery rage with barely no outlet to release it to. Itâs eating you up from the inside. Youâve been burning since the moment you stood frozen outside of that room.
Youâre so angry you feel tears well up in your eyes and once the first tear falls, it doesnât stop coming. The ocean of your desire has become a storm of your anguish, and all you can think about is how foolish you had been the past few days. How you were planning on telling Osamu you love him tonight. You wonder how that would have gone if you hadnât heard Osamuâs answer prior.
In your mind, you had imagined being able to finally hold Osamuâs hand proudly in front of all your friends. How you wouldnât have to kiss behind closed doors or away from the prying eyes of everyone else. You wouldnât have to keep tackily adding the word âpracticeâ in front of âboyfriend.â
You had foolishly thought Osamu would be yours.
And thatâs what actually hurts the most, isnât it? Underneath all this rage and resentment is this percolating hurt. Thatâs the problem when you open your heart, you leave it vulnerable to the viciousness of the world. And it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
What do you do when the fire runs out of fodder to burn and you have to feel the entire pain from the open wound youâre bleeding from?
Thereâs just too much of it.
You barely hear your phone beep and you have half a mind to ignore it, when you suddenly remember how you had told Osamu to come over for dinner. You use the sleeve of your cardigan to wipe your tears and get up to sit on your knees, as you pull your phone from your pocket.
Itâs a text from Osamu asking you what time he should come over.
You reply to it with a detachment you didnât know you were capable of.
Sorry, Osamu. Something came up. Letâs do this another time.
You switch your phone off. Thereâs not going to be another time.
You get up and sink to your bed. You donât even bother getting under your duvet. You just lie there, cheek pressed against your pillow, and try not to think of the last time Osamu had been here. You fail miserably and you cry again and again and again.
There is nothing beautiful about this, you think as you drown in your own resentment. (Resentment for who?) All the songs and movies that package a broken heart into something palatable are liars.
Whatâs beautiful about a flightless bird?
.
.
.
You wake up to bright sunlight shining on your face and an emptiness you don't know how to grasp. But still you grasp; itâs like getting your teeth pulled, not the before where it is all hummingbird anxiety, not the during where youâre knocked out and being pried open, but the after, when you wake up with barely any feeling in your body and all you have is the hazy knowledge that youâve lost something
But you didnât lose anything, not really. To lose something you must have had it first, and youâve never had Osamu.
Distantly, you remember how you didnât even eat anything last night. How are you not hungry? You didnât wash up either, for you were still wearing yesterdayâs clothes. You feel that maybe you should take a shower and warm up your body. You should probably get something to eat, however small. Anything to get rid of this dreadful emptiness.
So you get up, for what else are you to do. You go to your closet and try to find something to wear. Something as mindless as this should not be this difficult, but it is. You don't want to wear anything that reminds you of Osamu, don't want him close. You know that itâs impossible because Osamu lives inside your heart, but you allow yourself to pretend for a while.Â
You eventually find a sweatshirt that Suna had bought you once upon a time. Itâs soft, you think as you bring it up to your cheek. You haven't worn it in months. You want to go back to the person you were, the one who last wore it.
You shower with water a touch too hot and think of nothing, but the way your body is turning pink all over. You get dressed, take your phone, wallet, and keys, and step out into the world. Everything looks as it was yesterday, and you feel betrayed by it. How can the world look unchanged when you feel like youâve been chewed and spit out?
You walk to the small stall just down the street that you live on. You buy a freshly made sandwich from the man who runs it. You decide against walking back to your apartment, it feels like a graveyard in there. Instead, you walk to a nearby park. You sit on an empty bench, quietly unwrap your sandwich and take a bite. Itâs good, but it doesnât remove the taste of bitterness in your mouth. Why is that?
You finish it after a while and wonder if you should continue sitting there. You don't think you should go to any of your classes today. It would be a waste of time, since youâll most likely absorb nothing. You don't think you have it in you to pretend that nothingâs wrong in front of so many people. You don't know how youâll answer anybodyâs questions of are you okays or whatâs wrongs. Yes, you think, Iâll just lay in bed today. Sink against the sheets. Play some music and close my eyes.
So, you do. You spend hours listening to mono. on repeat. You watch the sky turn from light to dark, count the amount of airplanes you see pass by. When that has lost its appeal, you finally turn your phone on and hold your breath. Youâve been ignoring it all day.
Thereâs several missed calls and numerous text messages. Some are from Osamu, but thereâs a bunch of ones from Suna too. One from Miwa. One from Akaashi. None show too much concern, which is good. You don't want any of them to think anything is wrong. You aren't ready for them to see your wound. You want it to fester a little bit more before you show it.
You send a general message to the group chat instead: busy!! iâll see you guys soon.
Your response causes chaos in the chat and youâre bombarded with messages. You skim through them, and one message catches your eye. Itâs Miwa asking if youâre still coming to the party tomorrow night.
You think about what would be the best for you. What would Suna want you to do? He probably wants you to cry it all out. Heâd tell you to spill your heart out to him. Heâd say, Iâm sorry it didnât work out, Y/N. And then, you would start crying harder and Suna would hug you to sleep until you had no tears left to cry.
But you don't want whatâs good for you. You weren't given this body to eat vegetables, lightly seasoned. You weren't given a heart that only wants whatâs allowed. Flightless bird who jumps when it canât fly.
You wonder if thatâs why Osamu canât love you the way you want to be loved. You always had your eyes on beautiful, perfect things.
It doesnât matter. You canât change who you are.
You tell Miwa youâll see them there.
.
.
.
You arrive at the party alone.
Itâs in full swing as it usually is when you arrive. The music blasts loudly with some hit song that youâve heard playing in a convenience store. Itâs so loud you can feel the bass like itâs a heartbeat inside of you.
It might have been annoying in normal circumstances, but to you whoâs piss drunk, it doesnât matter. You welcome it and think deciding to go to this party is the best decision youâve made all week. No matter that drank by yourself to pregame it. Vodka is your new best friend.
You move your body to the music, swaying lightly as you make your way to where people are dancing. Your friends are most likely not there, so you feel confident as you join the mass of bodies. Here you are no one. Youâre just another body dancing to the beat.
You spend however long dancing. You don't know how long. Youâre not keeping track of the time. Maybe three songs? Four songs? It doesnât matter, youâre having a good time.
This good time is only interrupted when you suddenly feel a hand on your waist and you nearly jump out of your skin, heart caught in your throat. When you turn to see who it is, youâre so relieved you drop your head against this personâs shoulder, âShoyo, you have to stop greeting me like this.â
âY/N,â Hinata shakes his head, âI wouldnât have to if youâd just greet me first. You came late again.â
You shrug, âI was busy, but thatâs not important. Arenât you glad Iâm here?â
âI am,â Hinata snorts, spinning you around so youâre facing each other instead. âWe need to stop seeing each other at parties, by the way. Hang out with me properly for once.â
âI will,â you pout, âNow stop nagging. Itâs not a good look for you.â
Hinata loops his hands behind your neck, âFine. By the way, you need to start telling people when you plan on arriving. I donât know why people think I keep track of your schedule, but every time they ask me if I knew where you wereââ
âTell them to get lost,â you say, closing his eyes and getting lost in the music, âI arrive when I arrive. Iâm unpredictable, unknowableââ
Hinata scoffs, âNo offense, but Iâm not telling Osamu-san that. Heâs scary looking.â
You freeze, opening your eyes in concern, âHeâs looking for me?â
âYesâŚâ Hinata says with a frown, âAre you avoiding him?â
You look away, âIâm not. I just donât want to see him.â
Hinata pulls you closer and brings his mouth close to your ear, âIf youâre avoiding him, then you need to do a better job at hiding. Heâs busy talking to somebody right now, but he was standing by the door earlier. It looked like he was waiting for you.â
It takes all of your willpower to not look around for him. Itâs a good exercise. Youâll need to be good at it in the future. You scoff, âGood luck to him. Let him try coming to me.â
Hinata looks at you worried, âY/N, is everything okay?â
âNo, Shoyo. Itâs not,â you sigh, the beginning of annoyance growing within you, âI donât want to talk about it. I came here to forget and have a good time. Are you going to join me or not?â
Hinata sighs, and you smile prettily at him. Thereâs a reason why heâs your favorite partner in crime. âAlright,â Hinata says, âWeâll have a good time. How much have you drank already? Do you need more shots?â
You cheer, âIâve drank...not enough. Letâs do shots.â
And so you do shot. You do enough that your throat doesnât even burn anymore when you knock one back. The room is spinning a little bit, but you feel so loose, so free. Hinata is giggling against your shoulder and you don't even remember why. You don't remember anything.
At some point, a song you both like starts blasting on the speakers and you canât help it. The dance floor is calling you. You tell him to twirl you so that the room stops spinning. Hinata tells you that you need to start drinking water, because youâre not making sense anymore. He twirls you anyway.
But itâs the worst idea in the world, because he accidentally lets go of your hand and you spin out of orbit and accidentally bump into somebody else. You almost fall to the floor if not for the strangerâs kind arms.
You giggle, trying to steady yourself by holding onto their shoulders, âOopsies, sorry, Iâve drank just a little bit too muchââ
âItâs okay,â The stranger says in a voice too familiar. It has you freezing. You know this voice, would know it with your eyes closed, can pinpoint where it comes from even when itâs placed in a chorus of a thousand voices. You don't need to look up to know who it is. âIâve been looking everywhere for you.â
 You push his hands off you, âI told you I was busy.â
âI know. Thatâs what you texted. Two days ago.â Osamu says, trying to hold your hands. But you refuse. You don't want to be touched, so you tuck your hands behind your back. When you turn to Hinata, you see that heâs looking at you in panic. You shake your head and give him a smile. Heâs done enough.
You stubbornly look at your feet, âSo? Iâve been busy.â
Osamu cups your cheek with so much familiarity it opens up a fissure of ache in your heart. âWhy wonât you look at me? At least look at me, when youâre trying to lie to my face.â
You breathe, âItâs not a lie. Besides, I donât need to report everything I do to you.â
âY/N,â Osamu says with trouble, âWhy are you acting like this? You donât need to report to me. But you canât just give straight radio silence for almost a full day and expect me not to worry.â
âIâm peachy. Iâm feeling so fantastic. There is no need to worry,â you say, like youâre reciting lines for a commercial. With all the muster you don't have. You shrug Osamuâs hand off your face, âAnyway, I have to get going. I think I need to drink moreââ
âY/N!â Osamu yells at you with frustration, and your shoulders rise to your ears in panic. People are starting to look. Osamu notices that too, for he softens his voice when he speaks next, pleading, âJust please, look at me when you tell me youâre okay.â
Youâve never heard Osamu sound like this, with so much desperation. You think itâs funny how he wants you to look at him. You have been looking. For months, youâve looked and look where it got you.
But fine. You know you canât avoid him forever. You didnât even try hard enough to do it. If you had a little more self-preservation you wouldnât have come. Youâre well aware of the hold Osamu has on you. Just the sound of his voice is enough to pull you out of the numbness youâve been swimming in. This voice that lights you on fire. This is the voice that said, I donât like her like that. Sheâs like my little sister.
You turns to look at him and fights hard not to be affected by the worry on Osamuâs face. âIâm fine,â You says, heart twisting in his chest, âIs that good enough for you?â
Osamuâs mouth trembles, as his eyes pore over your face. âBaby,â he says, like youâre something precious, like youâre breaking his heart, with all the tenderness in the world in one word. How dare he? âWhatâs wrong? Talk to me.â
Youâre shaking, from what you don't know. Anger? Resentment? Hurt? The several shots of alcohol your body probably canât process because you barely ate today?
âWhy do you call me that?â you ask instead. âYouâre not my boyfriend. Donât call me that.â
âI-I,â Osamu stutters, stunned at the question. âIâve called you that in the past and youâve never had a problem with it. But if thatâs what you want, then fine. Iâll never call you that again.â
âGood,â you breathe out, but it doesnât feel good at all. This feels like the beginning of a graveyard, and youâre digging graves for things youâll never get to have again.
But itâs better this way. This thing, whatever it is, was always meant to end. Itâs only right that the person who started it is also the person who ends it.
âOkay,â you nod, âIf you want to talk, letâs talk. But not here.â you don't need an audience for what youâre about to do. Thereâs nothing noteworthy here.
You start walking through the throngs of people, not really waiting to see if Osamu follows you. You reach the houseâs backyard and are relieved that thereâs less people out here. Thereâs a secluded little spot to the side of the house and you find yourself leaning against the wall to steady yourself. If you had known you were going to confront Osamu tonight, you wouldnât have drank so much. Or did you drink so much, knowing you were going to do it? You canât keep track of your own decisions anymore.
You raise your head to look at Osamu, to find him looking at you already. Thereâs a part of you that knows you can still back out of this. That you don't have to end things this way. There are many ways to take down a house. You donât have to burn it down. You could casually just tell him youâre done with the practice dating thing and move on.
But youâre not a good enough person to do that. Maybe if you were, you would have been loved.
âYouâŚâ Osamu starts, hesitantly, like he canât find the right word. âyou were so happy the last time I saw you. And you were going to tell me what it was.â
You clench your fist at your side and let out a derisive laugh, âI donât think itâs a cause for happiness anymore. Youâd hate to hear it.â
âI sincerely doubt that,â Osamu says, earnestly. âIf it made you that happy once, then itâs something Iâd like to hear about.â
âTrust me,â you smile sardonically, âYou wonât.â
âNo. Trust me,â Osamu says.
âCan I? Should I?â
Osamu looks at you with such troubled eyes, as if it pains him to hear you ask that., âYou can. Y/N, of course you can. You know, Iâm always right with you, every step of the way.â He pats his own shoulder, as if to say, you can lean on me, and smiles though it looks frailer than youâve ever seen it. âIâm your Samu.â
You tilt your head to the side, âThen why didnât you tell me youâve been purposefully not dating because of me? Am I that pitiful to you? Did I look like I needed that much help to you?â
âHuh?â Osamu says, utterly confused.
âDo you remember when I said I donât want to feel like Iâm using you? That Iâd hate to become a burden to you? And that if you wanted to date youâd let me know?â
âBut that hasnât changedââ
âDonât lie to me,â you rub your face with your hands, âYou wanted me to talk to you. You wanted me to look you in the eye and be honest. Donât I deserve the same from you?â
Osamu stands his ground though, âBut there really isnât anybody I want to date. What did you hear that makes you think otherwise?â
âThe other day when I brought you food⌠I overheard you say that you couldnât be set up with somebody right now, because you were tied up with someone to date. That someone is me, right?â
Osamu looks at you like he still canât understand what the problem is, âYeah, but youâre making it sound like youâre forcing me to do this. Itâs literally fine, because I want to do thisââ
âOsamu,â you say, feeling incredulous, âDo you hear yourself? Youâre literally preventing yourself from dating because of me. Because of some contract that a pre-law student drew up on a crumpled piece of paper. Why?â
Osamu looks at you in disbelief, âBecause you asked for my help? What do I care about some random person who wants to date me? Youâre more important to me, so yeah, Y/N. Iâm going to prioritize you. Is it so bad that I want to take care of you?â
âIâm not a child,â you spit, âYou donât have to bend over backwards to take care of me.â
âIâm not saying you are. Wanting to take care of you doesnât mean I donât think you can take care of yourself. Youâre my best friend. You are so, so dear to me. You know that. Iâd bend over backwards for you because I want to. Why is that so bad? Suna can do it for you, but I canât?â
You scoff, âRinâs different.â
âYeah,â Osamu says with disdain, âHeâs always different.â
âWhatâs that supposed to mean?â you bristle.
âNothing,â Osamu shakes his head, âItâs just that sometimes I wonder why you asked me of all people to practice dating with. Youâre clearly more comfortable with him. Maybe thatâs what this is. Iâm sorry Iâm not Suna, let me get him for youââ
You cannot believe what youâre hearing right now, âWhat the fuck are you going on about?â
âYou clearly want nothing to do with me right now,â Osamu says, pitifully. âMaybe you want somebody else to comfort youââ
âI swear to god, Miya Osamu, you are not going to make this about you.â you grab him by his arms, âThis is between you and me. Donât you dare drag somebody else into it.â
Osamu bites his lip, looks at you with wide eyes, and you continue, âYou asked me if itâs so bad to want to take care of me. Itâs how youâre taking care of me thatâs the problem. Let me ask you this: do you think it counts as taking care of me when you kiss me?â
âY/N⌠that was practice,â Osamu says, sounding infuriatingly patient, like heâs explaining it to a child.
âThe first time sure. Maybe even the second time. Maybe when I asked you to teach me how to give a hickey. But what about all the other times?â
You look at his mouth as you wait for an answer, but you don't think it will come, âWhat about all the times I slept over? How many times do I need to practice cuddling? Until when should we have kept sleeping with each other? Because at a certain point, Iâm not learning how to be a good girlfriend anymore. Iâm just practicing how to be yours.â
âIs that the problem then? You⌠youâre tired of practice dating?â Osamu asks unsurely.
âNo, god,â you pull away, wishing you had something to hit, âSamu, what I want is the real thing.â
Osamuâs brows furrow together in confusion, âThen why didnât you just say so? Why drag me through the mud? Did you want me to end the practice dating myself?â
âYou are so fuckingââ you nearly scream in frustration, âNo, youâre not understanding what Iâm saying. I want the real thing withââ Â
âGo for it then,â Osamu says, exasperated although heâs doing his best to sound kind. âYouâd be a good girlfriend and thereâs clearly not a shortage of people who want to date you.â
Youâll regret it later, how you say the words like itâs a knife to weild. But what can you do when Osamu just doesnât understand? He isnât normally this obtuse, and it hits you that maybe he doesnât understand because he canât fathom a world where youâre in love with him. In Osamuâs world, youâre so clearly boxed in under the label friend that he can kiss you so boldly, hold you so tightly, and care for you this greatly without even thinking itâd mean something more.
The realisation is incredibly devastating that it leaves you grasping for anything that isnât this overwhelming pain in your chest and use it to anchor yourself. Itâs this need to hurt him back, this petty vengeance in the grand scheme of things; itâs the frightened response of the soft animal thatâs wounded inside you. You lock on to the kindness on Osamuâs face and immediately hate it. No one should look that kind when theyâre breaking your heart. Look mean for small mercies at least.
How do you hurt someone that loves you, but doesnât love you the way you want them to? How do you hurt someone good and kind?
You can lie and say, iâm okay, iâm fine, but youâre tired of the lying and the secrets. In fairy tales, the magic fades when the clock strikes 12. Here, in the corner of some shitty frat boyâs yard, you just become honest. The truth is the sharpest knife you can yield.
âI canât,â you say, letting the ache colour your words, and look at him the way an archer aims at a target, âbecause Iâm in love with you.â
It feels so good, watching the emotion ripple through Osamuâs face as he digests your admission. But it only feels good for a moment, especially when he just looks so troubled, like his whole world has tipped on its axis and every memory youâve had through this practice dating game is being seen in a newer light. Yes, you think, look at how youâve hurt me.
This is the last thing youâll let Osamu have and itâs probably the only thing you should have given him. But you arenât done.
âIt had to be you,â you turn soft, fighting hard to keep everything in (the embarrassment, the pain, and most of all the shame) bottled in. But pain, just like the rain, refuses to be held back. âIâm hurt by the way you treat me because you love me so well, but not the way I want to be loved. You are looking at me, but not seeing me. Just once,â your voice breaks, âI thought I should like to feel how itâd be like to have you.â
âAnd you were so good,â you smile, watery, âIâd started believing it was real. But itâs clearly notââ
You watch as Osamu struggles with what youâve just said, and it finally hits you that youâve finally said it out loud. I love you and Osamu canât say anything, out of what? Horror? Disgust? You canât take it. Every second of silence is another second that your heart spends trying to jump out of your mouth.
âLetâs not practice anymore. Letâs end this, before I regret you even more.â you press your hand against your chest, right where it hurts, and try to breathe, âIâm going to go home.â
When you try to walk away though, you almost stumble and Osamu goes to you immediately. But you push him away, âPlease donât.â
âY/N, you can barely walk,â Itâs the first thing Osamu says after all of that, and heâs still trying to be your friend, pleading with you and trying to grab ahold of your hands.
You scoff. You wonât let him. You can barely hold your tears at bay, and thereâs absolutely no way you wonât break down at Osamu being kind to you right now. And crying in front of Osamu is the last thing you want â youâve given Osamu your feelings, youâve made a fool of yourself, but you wonât give him your tears.
If this is what Miwa calls being brave, you don't want it. You want to be a coward. You want to keep your heart whole and locked away. What is the point of receiving all this tenderness when all it does is crack you open?
You sway on your feet and Osamu carefully follows the sway of your body, making sure you donât topple over. You hate it, you canât stand it. You canât breathe under all the pity you know is in Osamuâs gaze. âSamu, please, leave me alone,â you plead, trying to move out of the border that Osamuâs body has made.
âI just want to make sure you get home safe,â Osamu explains, trying to persuade you to stay, but you shake your head. Over Osamuâs shoulder, you see the figure of Akaashi Keiji and nearly sigh in relief.
You push against Osamuâs shoulder and thank your body for being able to move fast despite the alcoholâs influence. Youâre fast enough to move past Osamu and straight into Akaashi, who barely holds in a yelp of surprise. âY/N?â
âKeiji, where is Rin?â you ask, desperately. You see Akaashi look past you, from where Osamu must be standing, before looking back at you.
âRin is with Miwa, and I donât know if you want to get in between thatâŚâ Akaashi trails off, âWhatâs wrong? Weâve been trying to reach you for the past two days.â
âPlease help me get out of here. Donât let Samu near me,â you plead, clinging to him like a lifeline, âI told him. I ruined everything, Keiji. I ruined everything, please get me out of hereââÂ
âWe can text Rin and Miwa later,â Akaashi brushes a hand against your hair and you nearly cry at his touch. Nothing has felt this safe. âDo you want to come home with me for now?â
You nod but not before looking back to where Osamu was. Itâs once again a mistake. He looks beautiful, even in the wreckage of it all. He shouldnât be allowed to look like that. Itâs not fair. Itâs not right.
The cold air outside hits you with much needed soberness. The inside of the house was suffocating for a multitude of reasons, and for the first time that night, you felt like you could finally breathe.
Gulps of air, moments of peace - away from Osamuâs orbit.
Akaashi guides you inside a stopped car. It must be an Uber he had ordered while you were trying to anchor yourself to the ground. Your body sags against the plush seat of the car and Akaashi quietly reaches over to put your seatbelt on for you.
This small kindness is enough to break you and before you know it, the tears you had held in for so long just wonât stop falling. âOh no,â Akaashi whispers, using the sleeve of his jacket to wipe your tears, âY/N.â
âIâm so stupid,â you sob, âWhy did I have to fall for him? It could have been anybody else in the world. Why him? Why?â
âYou canât call yourself stupid for things that are out of your control,â Akaashi holds your hand and squeezes tight.
Your chest feels tight, feeling a physical ache, and you try to massage your chest to ease the pain but itâs persistent. Your first heartbreak and you learn the word isnât some metaphor. âWhatâs worse is that Iâve ruined our friendship. I was so ugly to him. I told him I love you and then I told him I regretted him. This is why Iâm unlovable, and now, he wonât even want to be my friendââ
But Akaashi is firm, comforting and utterly sincere, âYou are not unlovable. If you love him, then heâll surely forgive you. Do you know how I know that? Itâs because you love him that I know heâs kind and good. A pure heart like yours can only love good things.â
Sometimes, when pain is too raw, too fresh, one can mistake it as grief, even when the wound isnât bone deep. It shouldnât hurt this much but it does, so much so that the ride home is a blur. Your mind swims and swims in a river of all the future possibilities - where do you go from here? What do you do with all this pain? and youâre tethered only by the seat belt and Akaashiâs hand clasping yours so tight.
You arrive at Akaashiâs apartment, the one he shares with Miwa, and when you look back on this memory years from now, youâll always be thankful for the way Akaashi holds you through it, up the stairs, and through his apartment. How gently he talks to you and sits you down on the couch, how he pours you a glass of water and murmurs, my mom used to make me drink water when I cried, said you couldnât do both, and just being there.
By then the alcoholâs hold had lifted and with it came drowsiness like a gift. Akaashi lends you some blankets and his lap as a pillow for your head. You snuggle to him and pat your own hair, âCould you just run your hand through my hair?â
Akaashi complies immediately and it soothes you â you close your eyes and pray for a dreamless sleep.
You don't realise it then either, but Akaashi had even contacted Suna and Miwa. They come back to the apartment together, with worried questions and you hear Akaashi try to shush them, trying to keep you asleep, but itâs no use. The moment you open your eyes, the first thing you see is Suna and his sad eyes and sad mouth.
You don't know how, but you find it in yourself to joke, finger peeking out of the blanket to poke Sunaâs cheek, âWhy do you look more sad than me? Who broke your heart?â
Suna's mouth trembles, âYouâre breaking my heart.â
âWell, stop it. Heartbreak doesnât look good on you,â you focus on the tiny mole on his cheek, âIâm pretty good at that, breaking hearts.â
Suna grabs your hand and clasps it between his, presses it close to his chest, âAre you okay? I knew there wasnât something right when you hadnât answered your phone for hours.â
âIâm not okay. Not at all.â you shake your head, âBut itâs nothing I didnât see coming. I deserve it. I was stupid, reckless, and shamelessââ
âNo,â Miwa, who you had barely noticed and who had taken a seat on the couchâs arm, right next to Akaashi, denies with such vehemence, âI donât know what happened in full detail, but I know that itâs not deserved. Sometimes, I wonder if you eat the sun for breakfast, because you shine so bright.â
âMiwa,â you say, eyes beginning to water again, and then Suna just adds to it, âYou have a childâs heart and you love so bravely. I adore that about you.â
Akaashi joins in too, âYouâre quiet when youâre being kind to me, which is the best type of good. Because then underneath all the teasing, I know you do it because you genuinely care.â
âThis is so unfair,â is what you end up saying, as the tears pour like the rain, even when what you mean to say is thank you, âWhy canât you be nice to me like this all the time?â
It makes them all laugh and it hurts to laugh like this in the same way that itâs good to laugh like this. Akaashi suggests you all sleep together on the floor and Miwa takes all of their blankets and pillows and you find himself eventually sandwiched between Akaashi and Suna, with Miwa on Akaashiâs other side. You have your hand on Sunaâs chest, while he pats it absentmindedly in the way a mother would to a baby.
Youâve run out of tears for now and you ache at how tenderly youâre being held by everyone like this. And then your mind turns to Osamu, because the last time you were held tenderly like this was with him and because the heart is a hard-headed fool.
You hope your friends are right, that there is something to salvage of you, that not all is lost. In the morning, youâll sort through the debris. But for tonight, in the arms of your friends, youâll try to sleep knowing thereâs love here too.
And maybe itâs not the love you crave, but itâs enough.
a/n: if you saw the first upload... no you didn't !!! alas i'm still sorry
The fictional characters in my head do pay rent, but not with money. They pay with sleepless nights, anxiety that theyâll never be real, and alarming amounts of fan fiction written about them