We’d be great platonic friends, but anything more? I say no.
My first impression of him over text was actually pretty good. He recommended me this great cafe in Boston that I actually visited. He seemed enough of a hipster to share common interests and was spending his break in Haiti doing a volunteer medical project. Of course, we also argued about why the song Blurred Lines is a problem which should have raised a couple more flags.
In person, he seemed like a nice guy but surprisingly, for all of his interests, not especially interesting or memorable. He wasn’t particularly well dressed or cute, but I had a pretty good coffee shop conversation. I like boys who read, even more than boys who watch Adventure Time. He called me a week later (an actual phone call) and didn’t seem to understand that “I just finished tour guiding and I have thirty minutes before work” is a backhanded way of saying I’m exhausted and tired.
So we agree to meet at a coffee shop at around 5 pm. He shows up late but manages to find me. I bought my own drink and stumbled around a few tables before finding an empty one. I was having a really busy day because the months of March and April have not been kind to me. I wasn’t feeling all that social or talkative so he mainly carried the conversation. We spent 90% of the date discussing movies and TV shows, which was unexpectedly pleasant. It’s always nice having someone to talk about Adventure Time with even if his favorite character is Choose Goose.
It’s hard to attend a women’s college and not change your perspective on how you view the world and treatment of women. It’s hard to not detect slight tones of misogyny in the way a person speaks even if they promise they are feminists or what not.
He was saying how it’s a chore to take care of drunk girls who can’t handle their two shots of vodka. For one thing, there are a lot of PEOPLE in general who can’t handle their alcohol consumption.
When he was talking about Haiti, I couldn’t help but just zone out. It felt really patronizing and I began to relate his story with the whole concept of “parachuting” into a country. Why is it that America in general always believes that other countries need help? We have a lot of issues here too that need to be taken care of. All of these foreign travel stories also end with “an optimistic note” that the person felt so changed by this experience and seeing how happy these people were with so little and blah blah. It’s because you never expected to learn anything from people you consider less than you. In your mind, you have already placed your life and intelligence over theirs and you see them as people who need the medication you flew over a thousand miles to provide. Did you set up a health clinic so that this system can continuously run? Did you ask government officials there what kind of help would be most beneficial? No, this was simple your spring break do good project.
He also had another weird story about girls and bars and the time some girl attacked his friends. The moral of that story was respect girls from this one area of Massachusetts because they will come at you with a tire crank. Was I supposed to laugh or be amused? I said you should respect all women regardless.
The next week he called me and asked if I wanted to come all the way to Amherst to eat donuts on some random day of the week. I told him I was really busy and right as he began to ask me about my week, I said I had to go. I heard him sigh and say a really frustrated goodbye.
First impression: he’s cute, better dressed than I expected, and perhaps this won’t go absolutely poorly. Maybe I found someone kind of sweet on OkCupid after all? Wouldn’t that be ironic?
Being at Smith College means that I don’t regularly interact with boys or with people who have a lot of different opinions. We rant collectively together but I feel like genuine debate is rare because people have a similar baseline of opinion. We can discuss the problems of Teach for America or those mainstream advertisements with the understanding that these things are slightly (sometimes more than slightly) problematic. Talking to this boy for about 3 hours was challenging because I forgot what it’s like to talk to someone who isn’t on the same page about things that really shouldn’t be questions.
He bought coffee and dinner and gave me the platform to be sassy, mean, and a Smithie. Highlight of the night: I definitely think life exists on other galaxies, don’t you? and “are you a feminist?”
What makes him a stereotypical straight boy? He likes cars, sports, and nothing else. I don’t think I’ve met many people like that.. He’s a math major who doesn’t really like math and is halfway done with a computer science major. He considers UMASS to be on the same level as UC Berkeley and has no idea what a private boarding high school is. I told him that I like to shop and he said that all girls like to shop and continued on to nod his head at my strange hobbies. Usually girls don’t get along with each other and I’m an anomaly for having female friends. He told me he read one novel series and didn’t understand how I read books for fun. (I like geeky boys okay? I actually said that). He wants to live in Texas after college and thinks San Francisco and Los Angeles are two hours apart (he kept saying Cali and San Fran and my eyes bored into his soul begging him to stop). He insulted my Chinese program after hearing that the professors make us learn challenging, higher level grammar points. Only computer science is a worthwhile major because everything is about what the job market currently needs. Art school isn’t worth it because graduates are either set for life or have gained nothing from the experience. A 2.0 gpa with a lot of internships from UMASS Amherst apparently guarantees you a job and he’s not worried about his future. Grades don’t matter to him and because they do matter to me, I’m a try-hard (whoa? a person who shows up to class and does homework? ugh).
He asked me with a straight face if I was a feminist. I stared at him for about two minutes because what kind of question is that? A feminist is anyone who believes in equal rights for women and men. Of course I’m a feminist. I told him that and he said that’s not what feminist means anymore because women just want to take over the world and the only people that matter to feminists are women. He agrees with the age when feminism encouraged women to vote. Like bro, gender inequality is still a thing. We got to talk about the patriarchy for just a bit (which he couldn’t pronounce) and my comments went ignored.
He also was impressed that I know stuff about technology without studying computer science or some equivalent. Usually people are humanities or science he said. I hate that and we had a discussion about that too. He told me that he definitely believes there is life on other planets/galaxies and that Google is going to fail in the near future. We are the last generation to die and our generation will more than likely live 200-500 years. I know technology moves fast but not this fast. This is not something that I will see in my lifetime. We haven’t even cured cancer yet or knowledge of what a mitochondria really looks like.
He wasn’t aware of what TEDx is or what Teach for America is either. He just knows a lot about cars. He was also weirdly judgey. He said he carefully screens for friends and make sure his friends all share the same values (which was oddly phrased). His friends listen to him even when his advice is unsolicited and I’m a bad person for letting the people I love live in ways that are different from mine. It’d also be difficult for him to accept a girl who has slept around or a “shady” history. That felt like such a double standard and kinf of insulting. He tried to make a point about hook up culture but failed to make it convincing. How people live their life is complicated and as a friend, the best thing I can be is supportive, not judgmental and critical of their behavior.
Will I see him again? I’m not sure. This date wasn’t blatantly horrible but he probably thinks I’m a crazy girl.
guy: T loving? What's wrong with the rest of the alphabet lol?
me: ?
guy: Nvm that, I kind of just suck at this whole tinder thing. Have to start somewhere though.
My tinder bio says "Smith 2018. Tea loving, plant obsessed, wes anderson appreciating, artsy person. Come say hi. It took me a really long time to understand this joke. puns gone wrong.
Perhaps this was the worst occurrence of all. I don’t know how these things continue to get worse and worse. I was chatting up a 26 year old guy from New York and I guess that should’ve been enough to raise a million red flags. I continued to talk to him and now, at least, there is another entertaining story. I have never read 50 Shades of Grey, but enough hate blogs and wikipedia posts to understand the gist. This guy and Christian Grey have an alarming number of similarities. They are both old ish people who would look good in a suit with a troubling need to establish the power dynamic, with a side of disrespect for women. Don’t worry, I won’t be meeting this 26 year old but our conversation was comically horrible enough to make it onto this blog.
My Christian Grey is a graduate student at RPI (apparently Troy, NY is only 1.5 hours away, go figure, East Coast geography has officially lost me). He is majoring in some serious physics (it sounded really impressive). We established that we had nothing in common. He was also willing to drive from Troy to Northampton. I told him multiple times that I wasn’t going to sleep with him and he replied with a quick “yeah sure.” We talked a bit more and he suddenly said how if he was going to drive all the way to Northampton, it wasn’t fair for him to come back with nothing. I rolled my eyes and told him not to come. He changed his mind again and I thought we were on the same page.
Things get kind of weird towards the end of our conversation. I ask him if he wants to come by on Friday since most people haven’t returned back from break and I’m a bit lonely. He says that he can’t because he works in a physics lab from 5-11 pm. I just looked at that message for a long time and ask when exactly he was planning on visiting me. His response? “Whenever I have time.” What an egotistical answer, as if I’m just waiting around for an eternity wondering when he’ll whisk me away from the boredom of undergraduate college life. I told him the only time I have free time is on weekends. He asks me if it’s okay to come by really late on Friday night and leave before morning on Saturday. I ask why he would make that much effort and he tells me he wants to sleep with me. Somehow that’s supposed to make me feel validated because obviously, I’m living my life correctly if some strange 26 year old man would be willing to drive all this way just to have sex with me. I say forget it and end the conversation with a smug “sorry.”
what a creep.
After a disappointing start with the Parakeet Guy, my expectations were at an all time low. The Phony Hipster seemed kind of perfect on his profile. He was a junior at UMass (not perfect but whatever) studying biology and liked to read and watch the same things as me. We tried to meet once before but it didn’t work out (I bailed during the planning process because I was tired) so I was excited that things worked out a second time. I thought that even if nothing romantic happened, I would still enjoy a nice afternoon with a fellow hipster. Things took a drastic turn and this story may be my favorite for those dinner party occasions.
So he texts me that he’s already at the cafe and my good impression of him just continues to grow. He’s cute, he’s punctual, and he has a nice name. I get to the cafe and that’s when everything starts to crumble into a million little pieces. I was kind of stressed about this date because I respected him enough to actually get ready. His shoes are subpar (is that going to be a trend) and sense of style is not his strong suit (haha, I’m punny). I get to the table and he awkwardly goes in for a hug. Most awkward hug in my life. He doesn’t buy me coffee or make any indication of even asking.
We start talking and it becomes very clear to me that he isn’t a hipster at all. He read a third of 1Q84 (one of my favorite author’s masterpiece) and nothing else by Murakami, yet he wrote that he was a fan on his profile. He never watched a Wes Anderson film and one of Miyazaki’s. He wasn’t aware of what the beat poetry movement or a zine was. His profile also said he was 21 but it turns out he’s on his fifth year of college and way too old for me. I thought the conversation was okay (mostly me talking) and then he suddenly asks if I want to walk around. It’s about five thirty now and I thought he was going to suggest dinner. He talks about how cheap he is and I definitely am not sure about how to respond to that. We walk to a store called Deals & Steals, a discount grocery store with actually some pretty useful finds.
There are two bus stops on the way back to my house (Smith has houses, not dorms) and I was ready to say goodbye. It hadn’t gone all that horribly so at that point I was in the mindset to have a second date. He offers to walk me home since the bus isn’t at the first stop yet. The bus is there at the second bus stop and I ask if he’s going to go on it. He replies by saying he needs to go to the bathroom. It’s too weird to take him all the way to student center or any other public building at that point, so we enter my house. Everyone is at dinner so it was a quiet time to enter. I point to the bathroom on the first floor and he asks me what floor I live on. We trek all the way to the fourth floor and he uses the bathroom. I kind of expected him to leave but of course he doesn’t. He comes in my room and I wasn’t prepared to have anyone in my beloved space. Your room is an extension of who you are and I didn’t want him see that extension of me. We sit on my yoga mat despite all his not so subtle looks towards my bed. I don’t feel like talking much so there are wide gaps of awkward silence.
Somewhere in the middle, he asks if we can kiss. OkCupid guys are so blunt. I figure physical chemistry is the only thing he has left. I shrug and it’s a awkward situation with hands and faces. I’m not feeling it or trying much but it really hurt at three seconds in, when he says to stop and asks me if anything is wrong. That’s never happened to me before and it’s a hit to my confidence. Once he asked that, everything starts to spill. I talk about how stressed I am about life and school and we begin to talk about meditation and ways to destress. He asks if I want to read any of my poetry (we talked about poetry earlier at the cafe) and I’m not in the comfort level to read him something so personal. I instead suggest my short story and he nods enthusiastically. I don’t think he was prepared for the eight page story I wrote for class. Twenty minutes pass and I am finally done reading.
He mentions how he wishes women were the ones who had to make the first move because he’s shy. I had it up to here with him before the comment and I just rolled my eyes after it. I keep mentioning dinner and the bus and he finally blurts out the thing he really wanted to say this whole entire time. “You’re a really special person. There’s something about you that is so attractive and blah blah. Do you want to get naked together?” I just stare at him for two minutes to let his words sink in. I sass him and he finally says “Oh, I guess I should leave now.” I nod and we walk down the stairs. At the front door, he says “I hope you don’t give up on OkCupid because not everyone is like me.”
I bet he’d be really proud that I’m doing this blog.
I think after too many disappointing Tinder “conversations”, I started using OkCupid. I remember the exact moment I made an account: right after finishing an episode of a Korean drama. My friend helped me put together my profile and thus this new hobby was born. In this early stage of the game (this date happened almost two months ago, I think?), I was using OkCupid kind of seriously. I met “parakeet guy”, aptly named for his parakeet photo (I like birds, ok?). We set up a casual date and I took the bus at around 9pm, all the way to UMASS Amherst (45 mins away) after going to a talk by Dr. Angela Davis. The rest of the evening ensued and I stayed the night.
Ah, now you’re interested aren’t you? Well, getting there was such a pain. Usually the PVTA (the bus system) is fine but when it’s teeming with drunk people ready to party, it can be kind of a nightmare. I finally got off and he was waiting at the bus stop in subpar shoes (shoes are kind of the first things I notice about people) and a stupid smile. He wasn’t that cute, either, and kind of old. We went to a coffee shop briefly before he suggested netflix and wine. Hey, I was already over there, so why not?
We returned back to his dorm which was incredibly small. I am spoiled by being at Smith where all the rooms are giant and beautiful to look at. We started watching How I Met Your Mother and he kept pouring me wine when I wouldn’t initiate anything. I really did come for the netflix.. I don’t know how much more to say about the evening. He bluntly asked if I wanted to make out and I’m pretty sure I just kind of shrugged. I wasn’t impressed by his major or his future of hotel planning. We didn’t have much in common so it wasn’t like this would’ve interrupted any riveting conversation.
He changed to some crime show and had to explain literally everything to me. I only watch cartoons and Wes Anderson so I know nothing about detectives and crime. He would make for a great platonic netflix and wine buddy but that isn’t how the evening panned out.
Things escalated pretty quickly and I had to tell him that I didn’t actually want to sleep with him. He asked why because saying no is not enough in this patriarchal society and I told him it was because I had never slept with anyone before and losing my virginity to someone I just met on OkCupid was not my intention. Then I asked how many girls he had slept with before and he just stuttered for a moment before commenting on how direct I was. He then tried to convince me that oral sex didn’t count. Don’t worry folks, it didn’t happen because believe it or not, I can say no, repeatedly. I told him I’d consider having sex with him after six dates. Six. He kind of freaked out.
I wasn’t about to go home with the drunk crowd that I came here with so I slept the night. I’m terrible about sharing bed space so I’m sure that was a lot of fun for him. It is kind of comforting to sleep beside someone though, I will admit. In the morning, I was commenting how it was really cold outside. He started humming the song Baby, It’s Cold Outside to which I instinctively responded “that’s problematic.” I went home with a sore hip after a mediocre night.
I didn’t really respond to his messages after that, and we kind of had a heart to heart moment after I forgot he was an actual person with feelings. I don’t think we’ll be meeting again any time soon though.
Even if the profiles may be full of lies, I still like knowing a little bit about the people I meet. I may start up Tinder again after seeing how the chance of finding anyone decent on okcupid is so difficult.
If you asked my high school self if she would ever try online dating, she would just laugh. It wouldn’t be a quiet chuckle either, she would laugh until tears were streaming down her cheeks and her lungs wheezing for air. Online dating is for single forty year old women clutching their cats and wine who ran out of romantic comedies to watch, she would say [I am very scared of this possibility, by the way, high school me]. Online dating is portrayed as sketchy and there are all those horror stories about naive women walking into truly dangerous situations with a man who lied about everything and got his profile picture from the internet. I’m sure my high school self and my mother would be a little disappointed with me.
So I bet you’re now wondering how someone like that could have transformed to the writer of this blog within just one and half short semesters. Ding, ding, ding, the answer is she ended up at a womens’ college. I don’t regret my decision to attend Smith College because the benefits of the bold, opportunity-rich education is worth more than meeting a boyfriend in the dining hall or at a professor’s office hours. I’m also a lazy person who just doesn’t see the appeal of attending parties at the other four colleges surrounding Smith, such as Amherst College, UMASS Amherst, or Hampshire College. However, I am a lazy person who would like to not be single anymore.
At first, Ok Cupid and Tinder seemed more or less like reasonable solutions to the “single problem.” If you forget it’s horrible reputation, the idea is actually not that bad. Interacting with people online gives you opportunities to meet people you would’ve never met otherwise. Of course this useful tool has been distorted by people who lie and want nothing more than sex. After just a few short encounters, it’s quite obvious that someone I would like to date probably wouldn’t be searching for me on either of these websites. However, my “modern dating” experiences were comically bad and that there would be nothing to lose by continuing to talk and sometimes meet these people. I decided to document my journey to understand the desperation and sometimes appalling behavior of men found online.
romaincrisis
ellievsbear
snowghoul
2087
dailybridgerton
jbbartram-illu
