T @fit-miz - Tumblr Blog

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how and where and with who I spend my time. I feel like I so often struggle between “yes-ing” everyone and everything to not even being able to leave my room for days on end. I like to say yes because it opens up new connections and opportunities but I have such a hard time saying no once I’ve opened up those lines of communication that I feel my only option is to fall off the face of the earth.

I think the root of it is this overwhelming sense of obligation I feel to things. I never want to disappoint anyone no matter how small or short lived it may be so I compromise my own desires to fill the sense of obligation.

ob·li·ga·tion

noun

an act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound; a duty or commitment.

I’m not legally bound to anything so what is it about my morals that make me feel so bound by these commitments? I believe in followthrough, family, support, gratitude, genuine actions. By why do I feel obligated to give those away instead of keeping them for myself? What did these people ever do for me to deserve this? I don’t want to live a life of obligation to anyone that hasn’t earned it. Starting with myself.

But why do I always try and throw every part of myself at people until I have nothing left for me. Like a prostitute just hoping for something in return, without ever asking for compensation. Why do I do this. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I have been feeling like I want someone else. To fill that space, fill my time. But the problem with trying to get others to fill your space, is that they’ve all got space to. You don’t see it as it’s happening. Little by little, you fill up theirs, until you’re run out, every last drop.

I need to fill my space. But what do I put there? What do I have? What do I need?

I have time. Or I did anyway, but I keep giving it away. I want it back. I need it back...

I look at these full people, the ones I know, the ones I want to know, and I want to ask them how? I look inside, something is missing. I’m not a whole person..yet. But how amazing, if I’m this much, and I’m still not yet whole, I would just love to see how big I could will be.

2019 we doin this

・Join the SF Public Library

・Get out of debt

・Join a volunteer group

・Read a book a month

・Reach 120lbs

・Start writing again - once a week

・Take an adventure at least once a month

・No more blacking out

・take a trip alone

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Heath Ledger photographed by Kwaku Alston || 2001

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“Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you’d follow them straight into hell…”

— Karen Marie Moning (via purplebuddhaquotes)