Donate to The Quileute Tribe to Move To Higher Ground
@Renegadepack's Anti-Racism Resource Carrd
trying to write but very depressed so gimme some time thanks
I know people on mobile probably find it difficult to find the links to the masterlists so here it is:
Pack Masterlist
Pack Series Masterlist
Ko-Fi ; Buy Me a Coffee?
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Getting to Know Me - Answering Your Questions
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My Rules
AS OF 01/31/2020 I am OPENING requests for the pack only.
Please just understand that not every request will be fulfilled, sometimes there’s some I just can’t write well and when I can’t put out something I find that I wrote well, I don’t enjoy putting it out. Requests are suggestions, not demands! Please understand this :)
Read here: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part IV / Part V
________________________________________________
Despite the anxious picking of my cuticles and the numbing feeling of my own heart beating within my chest, sitting next to Quil in the car brought me some sort of peace. The drive was only about 15 minutes, though it felt like a lifetime. A lifetime of blankly staring out the window, hoping to feel anything other than this deep sorrow.
I felt the heat radiate off of Quil's body from the driver's seat. Despite of how unsure I was of how it was possible for him to be so incredibly warm, I appreciated the warmth.
The screeching of my brakes let me know that we arrived to our little spot.
A spot we would hang out since we were kids. I looked out my window and gazed towards the shore, reminiscing of the times we had here together. The memories with Jacob, too.
The feeling of my soul ripped out was one that didn't leave for months. It was as if Jacob left with a piece of me that I couldn't get back.
...But then there was Quil.
It was as if Quil would never leave my side. And to be truthful, I never wanted him to. He was the only person who seemed to almost fill the void that ached throughout my chest every single day.
"Alright, let's go." He murmurs, snapping me out of my thoughts as he nods his head to the woods.
I swallow the breath stuck in the back of my throat and prepare myself for whatever this would be. Whatever this could be.
Quil walks over into the edge of the woods, nodding his head to encourage me out of the car to follow him.
The feeling of nausea came over me as it really hit me.
Why was everything so serious? So secretive? Nothing was ever this serious.
I sigh, unbuckle my seatbelt and make my way over to him. My legs shaking with every step I take.
He reached out his hand, motioning for me to take it.
I grab it, greedily embracing the heat his palm brings to my own.
The walk deeper into the woods was silent, aside from the crunching of leaves and small twigs on the ground.
His warmth radiated from his own hand onto my own, spreading up my wrist. His torso close to my left side as I walked only a mere inches from him, The absence of his warmth was violently apparent throughout the rest of my body.
Quil abruptly stopped and sat us down on a fallen tree, surrounded by countless others towering over us. Normally, I find our spot to be a place of solace, but today it was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.
His brown soft brown eyes met mine as tears began to brim the surface. He quickly pursed his lips and looked down at his feet.
"You need to me tell you first, right?" He mutters.
"Yes." I choke out, voice barely above a whisper, slightly nodding my head.
"Alright." He breathes. "Well, Sam gave me the okay.
"So this is about Sam." I spit.
"No, it isn't. Please, (Y/N)... Just hear me out."
I look at him skeptically as I felt a slight sense of anger blossom within my chest. I became aware of my eyebrows slightly furrowing, displeased at the thought of Sam's name.
Quil began speaking. His words turned into this high pitched ringing. It was as if everything he said pierced my eardrums.
He finally stopped talking and
"So, basically-- the legends are real, right? That's what you're telling me?" I ask, raising my brow, with a snarky tone. "And so then not only do you guys turn into massive wolves that kill vampires? Because vampires are responsible for the missing people? They've been killing people? And the Cullens are vampires, but vegetarian?"
"When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous." He chuckles.
"Because it is ridiculous! And you're telling me that there is this soul-bonding experience? Imprinting? Quil-- you absolutely need to tell me the truth!" I begin to angrily laugh.
"I am! (Y/N), I promise."
His eyes were pleading with mine, begging me to just believe him.
"Alright, so let's just say this is real. So, Jacob imprinted on me-- and rejected it? He doesn't want me?" My voice broke just saying it out loud.
He looked at my sympathetically, "It's a little more complicated than that, but yes. More or less." His lips pursed as he started at me with sad eyes.
"Is it... is it because of her?"
"Not necessarily. But, it she is definitely a reason." He sighs. "For one, yes he is in love with her. I know that he loves you, though. I know that..." He pauses, looking at the ground with disappointment.
My heart skipped a beat, hearing him tell me that Jake did love me. But then the realization hit me.
"But he loves her more." I croak.
His gaze meets back to mine before giving me a small nod.
And there it was, the knife right through my chest.
"But, truly don't think of it like that. He truly was devastated about the fact that his life has been paved for him-- he didn't want a life where he had no choice." His warm hand reached out to mine. "He can't stop feeling like some monster. He didn't choose to become a shifter and now his entire destiny has been chosen, he didn't want the same for you, either. He wanted you to have a say. He doesn't want you in this world of danger, nor did he want you to feel trapped with him."
"Oh my god, Quil!" I hiss. "Stop pretending the wolf thing is real! Stop messing with me."
"No, (Y/N). I promise. I can show you." He promises, looking me in the eye.
"So do it."
He stands up silently, letting go of my hand before removing his shirt. I notice how much buffer Quil had gotten in the last few months.
"My eyes are up here." He teases with a low laugh.
I blush as I realize I had been caught.
He double checks for something behind a bush about 15 feet from me before looking back into my eyes.
"Don't freak out." He looks at me. "Don't go anywhere, and remember I won't hurt you."
I nod, staring at him with doubt.
But Quil's body began to steam? I couldn't believe how it looked.
He began to almost convulse as he was seemingly ready to burst out of his own skin.
But then he did. He burst out of his own skin and turned into an enormous brown wolf.
"Qu-Quil?" I stutter, my eyes practically bulging out of my skull.
His enormous head nods, whimpering and looking directly into my eyes.
He slowly strode over to me, plopping his head down into my lap for me to feel his fur.
"What the fuck..." I mutter as he lets out a huff.
He pulls his head back, before turning and walking behind the bushes from earlier.
I heard shuffling and within a moment or two, shirtless Quil appears again and walks over to where he dropped his shirt before. He picks it up, putting it on before sitting right next to me.
"Alright." I breathe.
"Yeah. So, there's that." He sighs, looking at me.
"I see."
"Well, now you know it all."
"I guess I do."
I don't know how I was supposed to feel.
But I know I felt so confused. I felt some relief in knowing that Jacob did love me... that what I was feeling had a valid reason. It was abnormally painful because it wasn't normal-- it was supernatural.
But in the end, it didn't make me feel better. It didn't make anything hurt less.
I felt tears prick my eyes before I put my head into my hands. I don't think it was possible to cope with this any differently.
Quil quickly put his arm around me, pulling me into his side and kissing the top of my head.
A wave of comfort washed over to me.
"It's okay. I'm here for you, always." He whispers into my hair, lightly scratching my back. "Always."
Quil always knew how to make me feel better.
In-fact, he was the only person these days who could make me feel better.
"By the way, I don't want to read his letter."
"Thank you." I murmur as I bury my head further into his chest.
"Let's get you out of here. It's not safe." He urges, helping me up after a moment.
"Not safe?" I question.
"Well, the red-head has been coming around. We don't know what she wants but she's looking for something."
"Red-head?"
"Vampire. I gotta catch you up." He chuckles.
"Ah, got it." I say nervously, looking around.
"Don't worry. We chased her back to the Canadian boarder the other night. We probably won't see her for a few days. But the others are on patrol now."
I shake my head in disbelief as everything coming out of his mouth seems utterly ridiculous.
It felt unreal.
The car ride back to my house didn't take long, but even after our conversation I felt just as hollow as before.
He must've sensed my sadness, as he reached out a hand for me to grab.
I looked over, studying the way his knuckles lay on the center console.
I lightly grabbed his hand before leaning onto his arm, pulling it into my own and laying my head on his bicep as he drove.
His feverish skin felt heavenly on my seemingly ice-cold body, Quil was the only source of warmth for me anymore. I was suddenly realizing just how much I needed him.
"Thank you." I whisper, closing my eyes in comfort as I absorbed all of his warmth.
"Always." His hoarse voice barely audible.
The drive back to my house wasn't long, but with my eyes closed the entirety of it, it was as if I had lost all sense of time.
I was exhausted from everything I had learned today... from everything I saw.
We made our way over to the couch, yet again.
The letter fell out of my jacket pocket as I took it off, causing the pain in my chest to heighten. It felt as if the wind was knocked out of my as I saw a glimpse of the handwriting as it fell to the floor.
Quil's face turned into one of understanding as he realized where my focus had turned to.
I pick up the letter with tears in my eyes, clutching it to my chest and sitting on the couch.
Quil quickly followed, sitting next to me.
"Why am I not enough?" I sobbed.
"You are more than enough. You are everything, (Y/N)." He coos, taking the note from my hands and placing it on the coffee table in front of us. He pulled me into his chest before holding me close. One hand on my back and the other on the base of my neck, pulling my sobbing frame into his chest. "Don't you ever say that, you are enough."
"But why is it always Bella?" I choke.
"Believe me, it is not."
"But it is, it's always her! It's always Bella."
"(Y/N), you are everything. Jacob doesn't even understand what he's doing. Please, please do not let this destroy you." He pleads, his voice breaking as I feel tears of his own falling onto the top of my head. "I know it's hard with this bond, but you are so much stronger than you think. You are so much more than you think."
Quil leaned back and I followed suit, crying into his chest as he covered me with a blanket.
"Thank you." I sob, tears soaking his shirt.
"I will always be here for you. I will always be here to tell you how much you are loved, whenever you need it." He promises. "I'll always be here."
I nod, silently thanking him as I wrap my arms around him and accept the darkness of my closed eyes.
His fingers lightly ran up and down my back as he shushed my sobs, trying to soothe me further.
I felt myself drifting to sleep, accepting the comfort of Quil while mourning the loss of a life with Jacob in it.
___________________________________
Read here: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part IV / Part V
Read here: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part IV / Part V
________________________________________________
Despite the anxious picking of my cuticles and the numbing feeling of my own heart beating within my chest, sitting next to Quil in the car brought me some sort of peace. The drive was only about 15 minutes, though it felt like a lifetime. A lifetime of blankly staring out the window, hoping to feel anything other than this deep sorrow.
I felt the heat radiate off of Quil's body from the driver's seat. Despite of how unsure I was of how it was possible for him to be so incredibly warm, I appreciated the warmth.
The screeching of my brakes let me know that we arrived to our little spot.
A spot we would hang out since we were kids. I looked out my window and gazed towards the shore, reminiscing of the times we had here together. The memories with Jacob, too.
The feeling of my soul ripped out was one that didn't leave for months. It was as if Jacob left with a piece of me that I couldn't get back.
...But then there was Quil.
It was as if Quil would never leave my side. And to be truthful, I never wanted him to. He was the only person who seemed to almost fill the void that ached throughout my chest every single day.
"Alright, let's go." He murmurs, snapping me out of my thoughts as he nods his head to the woods.
I swallow the breath stuck in the back of my throat and prepare myself for whatever this would be. Whatever this could be.
Quil walks over into the edge of the woods, nodding his head to encourage me out of the car to follow him.
The feeling of nausea came over me as it really hit me.
Why was everything so serious? So secretive? Nothing was ever this serious.
I sigh, unbuckle my seatbelt and make my way over to him. My legs shaking with every step I take.
He reached out his hand, motioning for me to take it.
I grab it, greedily embracing the heat his palm brings to my own.
The walk deeper into the woods was silent, aside from the crunching of leaves and small twigs on the ground.
His warmth radiated from his own hand onto my own, spreading up my wrist. His torso close to my left side as I walked only a mere inches from him, The absence of his warmth was violently apparent throughout the rest of my body.
Quil abruptly stopped and sat us down on a fallen tree, surrounded by countless others towering over us. Normally, I find our spot to be a place of solace, but today it was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.
His brown soft brown eyes met mine as tears began to brim the surface. He quickly pursed his lips and looked down at his feet.
"You need to me tell you first, right?" He mutters.
"Yes." I choke out, voice barely above a whisper, slightly nodding my head.
"Alright." He breathes. "Well, Sam gave me the okay.
"So this is about Sam." I spit.
"No, it isn't. Please, (Y/N)... Just hear me out."
I look at him skeptically as I felt a slight sense of anger blossom within my chest. I became aware of my eyebrows slightly furrowing, displeased at the thought of Sam's name.
Quil began speaking. His words turned into this high pitched ringing. It was as if everything he said pierced my eardrums.
He finally stopped talking and
"So, basically-- the legends are real, right? That's what you're telling me?" I ask, raising my brow, with a snarky tone. "And so then not only do you guys turn into massive wolves that kill vampires? Because vampires are responsible for the missing people? They've been killing people? And the Cullens are vampires, but vegetarian?"
"When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous." He chuckles.
"Because it is ridiculous! And you're telling me that there is this soul-bonding experience? Imprinting? Quil-- you absolutely need to tell me the truth!" I begin to angrily laugh.
"I am! (Y/N), I promise."
His eyes were pleading with mine, begging me to just believe him.
"Alright, so let's just say this is real. So, Jacob imprinted on me-- and rejected it? He doesn't want me?" My voice broke just saying it out loud.
He looked at my sympathetically, "It's a little more complicated than that, but yes. More or less." His lips pursed as he started at me with sad eyes.
"Is it... is it because of her?"
"Not necessarily. But, it she is definitely a reason." He sighs. "For one, yes he is in love with her. I know that he loves you, though. I know that..." He pauses, looking at the ground with disappointment.
My heart skipped a beat, hearing him tell me that Jake did love me. But then the realization hit me.
"But he loves her more." I croak.
His gaze meets back to mine before giving me a small nod.
And there it was, the knife right through my chest.
"But, truly don't think of it like that. He truly was devastated about the fact that his life has been paved for him-- he didn't want a life where he had no choice." His warm hand reached out to mine. "He can't stop feeling like some monster. He didn't choose to become a shifter and now his entire destiny has been chosen, he didn't want the same for you, either. He wanted you to have a say. He doesn't want you in this world of danger, nor did he want you to feel trapped with him."
"Oh my god, Quil!" I hiss. "Stop pretending the wolf thing is real! Stop messing with me."
"No, (Y/N). I promise. I can show you." He promises, looking me in the eye.
"So do it."
He stands up silently, letting go of my hand before removing his shirt. I notice how much buffer Quil had gotten in the last few months.
"My eyes are up here." He teases with a low laugh.
I blush as I realize I had been caught.
He double checks for something behind a bush about 15 feet from me before looking back into my eyes.
"Don't freak out." He looks at me. "Don't go anywhere, and remember I won't hurt you."
I nod, staring at him with doubt.
But Quil's body began to steam? I couldn't believe how it looked.
He began to almost convulse as he was seemingly ready to burst out of his own skin.
But then he did. He burst out of his own skin and turned into an enormous brown wolf.
"Qu-Quil?" I stutter, my eyes practically bulging out of my skull.
His enormous head nods, whimpering and looking directly into my eyes.
He slowly strode over to me, plopping his head down into my lap for me to feel his fur.
"What the fuck..." I mutter as he lets out a huff.
He pulls his head back, before turning and walking behind the bushes from earlier.
I heard shuffling and within a moment or two, shirtless Quil appears again and walks over to where he dropped his shirt before. He picks it up, putting it on before sitting right next to me.
"Alright." I breathe.
"Yeah. So, there's that." He sighs, looking at me.
"I see."
"Well, now you know it all."
"I guess I do."
I don't know how I was supposed to feel.
But I know I felt so confused. I felt some relief in knowing that Jacob did love me... that what I was feeling had a valid reason. It was abnormally painful because it wasn't normal-- it was supernatural.
But in the end, it didn't make me feel better. It didn't make anything hurt less.
I felt tears prick my eyes before I put my head into my hands. I don't think it was possible to cope with this any differently.
Quil quickly put his arm around me, pulling me into his side and kissing the top of my head.
A wave of comfort washed over to me.
"It's okay. I'm here for you, always." He whispers into my hair, lightly scratching my back. "Always."
Quil always knew how to make me feel better.
In-fact, he was the only person these days who could make me feel better.
"By the way, I don't want to read his letter."
"Thank you." I murmur as I bury my head further into his chest.
"Let's get you out of here. It's not safe." He urges, helping me up after a moment.
"Not safe?" I question.
"Well, the red-head has been coming around. We don't know what she wants but she's looking for something."
"Red-head?"
"Vampire. I gotta catch you up." He chuckles.
"Ah, got it." I say nervously, looking around.
"Don't worry. We chased her back to the Canadian boarder the other night. We probably won't see her for a few days. But the others are on patrol now."
I shake my head in disbelief as everything coming out of his mouth seems utterly ridiculous.
It felt unreal.
The car ride back to my house didn't take long, but even after our conversation I felt just as hollow as before.
He must've sensed my sadness, as he reached out a hand for me to grab.
I looked over, studying the way his knuckles lay on the center console.
I lightly grabbed his hand before leaning onto his arm, pulling it into my own and laying my head on his bicep as he drove.
His feverish skin felt heavenly on my seemingly ice-cold body, Quil was the only source of warmth for me anymore. I was suddenly realizing just how much I needed him.
"Thank you." I whisper, closing my eyes in comfort as I absorbed all of his warmth.
"Always." His hoarse voice barely audible.
The drive back to my house wasn't long, but with my eyes closed the entirety of it, it was as if I had lost all sense of time.
I was exhausted from everything I had learned today... from everything I saw.
We made our way over to the couch, yet again.
The letter fell out of my jacket pocket as I took it off, causing the pain in my chest to heighten. It felt as if the wind was knocked out of my as I saw a glimpse of the handwriting as it fell to the floor.
Quil's face turned into one of understanding as he realized where my focus had turned to.
I pick up the letter with tears in my eyes, clutching it to my chest and sitting on the couch.
Quil quickly followed, sitting next to me.
"Why am I not enough?" I sobbed.
"You are more than enough. You are everything, (Y/N)." He coos, taking the note from my hands and placing it on the coffee table in front of us. He pulled me into his chest before holding me close. One hand on my back and the other on the base of my neck, pulling my sobbing frame into his chest. "Don't you ever say that, you are enough."
"But why is it always Bella?" I choke.
"Believe me, it is not."
"But it is, it's always her! It's always Bella."
"(Y/N), you are everything. Jacob doesn't even understand what he's doing. Please, please do not let this destroy you." He pleads, his voice breaking as I feel tears of his own falling onto the top of my head. "I know it's hard with this bond, but you are so much stronger than you think. You are so much more than you think."
Quil leaned back and I followed suit, crying into his chest as he covered me with a blanket.
"Thank you." I sob, tears soaking his shirt.
"I will always be here for you. I will always be here to tell you how much you are loved, whenever you need it." He promises. "I'll always be here."
I nod, silently thanking him as I wrap my arms around him and accept the darkness of my closed eyes.
His fingers lightly ran up and down my back as he shushed my sobs, trying to soothe me further.
I felt myself drifting to sleep, accepting the comfort of Quil while mourning the loss of a life with Jacob in it.
___________________________________
Read here: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part IV / Part V
(Paul Anon) The library is really nice and I could easily spend hours just looking thru all of the shelves in the different sections (and I do lmao) even when I'm not there to help reshelf books and organize, I hang out and read lmao
Taking your time to find the inspiration and passion for any of your favorite hobbies is important but don't get frustrated with yourself that it's taking a while, you'll get there one step at a time 💙 I go thru it quite often with art cause actually drawing anything just feels bleh sometimes
I'm glad work is going good, I hope that it continues to do so. Can I ask what you do? If you're comfortable discussing that, if not totally fine, no worries. I'm just happy to see you're online again and doing well 💕💕💕
I love that you enjoy your environment, it is so important. How long have you been doing it?
I definitely should try to be more patient with it, but I find myself to be a smidge too impulsive and whatnot.
For work, I personally like to try to keep some specifics about me anonymous as I am deathly afraid of someone I know in real life finding me on tumblr (for the second time in my life) haha. But to be ambiguous about it, it is within the field of finance.
(Paul Anon) I'm doing good, dear! Volunteering at the local library until they get a spot open so I can start working there. It's been really fun. And I get to hang out around books all day. I've been reading a lot and contemplating rereading the series just to see how it is, since I've not read it since high school and I pass it every day lmao I've been keeping track of my reading on Goodreads and it's nice to see the progress in my Read Library grow....even if my TBR Library continues to grow at an ever faster pace lmao my bookworm habits have resurfaced and it's been really nice!
Anything interesting going on now? How's work been?
I love to hear that! It warms my heart to see you enjoying your passion! I miss reading and writing!
Interesting, not so much. I feel like most of life lately has been me trying to figure everything out and whatnot. I have been trying to get back into art, but it's not working out without the motivation, honestly.
Lately, I just have been seeking to find a new passion, ideally I would like to resurface an old one, too. But, it's proving to be more difficult than I would like
Work is okay! I can't complain really, it's a pretty sweet gig. People are nice, so it's good in that sense.
(Paul Anon) Ho my god, hello dear! Welcome back! I'm so glad to hear you're doing well!! Congrats on graduating and the job. I hope things continue to keep getting better bit by bit every day. 💙
Paul Anon, my love!!! Ahh, I am so glad to hear from you!
i returned after months of a sui*idal emptiness and suddenly there's blaze?
side note: i have been doing much better at coping and trying to handle everything.
i am just giving an update as I know I have been open with you all about how bad I have been in the past, so it's only fair to let you know how I am now.
I am better, I am doing better. I am still struggling, just more stable!
i still have a very nice boyfriend. I have graduated college and got a job in my field. Family life is stressful but I cannot complain too much as I am honestly really proud of how far I have come in these last few months.
i returned after months of a sui*idal emptiness and suddenly there's blaze?
side note: i have been doing much better at coping and trying to handle everything.
i am just giving an update as I know I have been open with you all about how bad I have been in the past, so it's only fair to let you know how I am now.
I am better, I am doing better. I am still struggling, just more stable!
i still have a very nice boyfriend. I have graduated college and got a job in my field. Family life is stressful but I cannot complain too much as I am honestly really proud of how far I have come in these last few months.
thank you for your pack masterlists in your pinned post! they are so helpful! have a nice day!
Oooh, I love you! I'm so glad they're helpful! I feel like I tried quite hard to make the page navigable on mobile and desktop, took a lot of trial and error.
For the anon with the DNA question, I suppose you could try and see if there's any birth/marriage certificates that would say (but I have this weird feeling there wouldn't be any)
Depending on were you live it could cost you to find these as well!
That's what I'm thinking, too. I feel you might pay more to retrieve this documentation as opposed to paying for a test, but then again I'm not quite sure that these tests even tell you about your tribal history. This is like a genealogy type of question that I feel sooooooo under-qualified in answering haha
Hey are you planning on continuing anything with Embry? Don’t feel forced. I’m just genuinely curious! Have a great rest of your day and I’ve missed seeing you posts all the time! 🖤
Hi, there! I plan on at least attempting to do so! I am so glad you keep up with this blog, even if it's not consistently active. I appreciate you!
