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It's half past midnight. And as I skim my fingers across the coffee stains on the kitchen counter and looked over at the mess he's made in the living room, I smiled and thought to myself, it's these little moments that make me grateful I'm his wife. Maybe on days when I'm not in such a good mood, I'd mull furiously over the thought that I'd have to clean all this up in the morning, but not tonight. He seems so happy and I don't want to take that away from him. Besides, most times, he cleans up after himself anyway. Just not exactly when I want him to and he'll probably take 3 hours to do it. So nothing to complain about, really. I was at my last 10 pages of 'It Ends With Us' when I heard keys rattling down the hallway and made their way to open the front door of our unit. As soon as he walked in, he greeted me with Salam and I popped my head to say 'Hi, Sayang'. Looking all somber, I took my book and continued reading in the bedroom. He had texted me before he came home if there was anything to eat for dinner but I just assumed he'd eat his leftovers from lunch. And that made me feel bad because I had the same leftovers from lunch but his sister and I decided to drive over to the food court and have a different dinner meal instead. And for the life of me, I never thought to take away some food for him. Which meant that I happily enjoyed myself without him, while he's about to have the same menu after a long day of work. Not that any of this matters to him as he reassures me every single day about all the things I "think" I have to do for him but I just felt really guilty. After he came out from his shower, I hear him opening the door to our bedroom. He sits on the bed beside me, still in his towel, and starts rubbing my back, 'tidur ke, Sayang?'. I was lying face down reading my book so I turned back to look at him and said, 'I feel bad for not getting you dinner' and he shrugs, comforting me. The reason he asked about it in the first place is so that he doesn't overbuy anything that will result in us wasting whatever food that's left at home. I leaned my chin on a pillow next to him and started tearing up. He caresses my head, my cheeks, my nose and wipes my tears away, 'please don't worry, I'm a grown man. I can eat whatever.' I know this seems like an awfully small thing to cry about but one of my biggest regrets is letting my husband starve. I often think about what he's eating at work or if he's had any breakfast whenever I'm not physically around him. Yes, it isn't technically my responsibility to fend for him but putting food on the table meant that I care for him and love him enough to do it. And most importantly, to get His blessings. When I walked out of the bedroom, he was already giddily unboxing his new toys. He's talked about buying this for as long as I can remember and is convinced he'll save more money once he's owned a coffee machine. I believed him. He buys at least 2 cups of coffee a day, sometimes even 3, and I'm happy that he's happy he doesn't have to spend on them now. He hates the idea of me telling people he's a coffee lover because he doesn't want to be deemed pretentious. Or a wannabe. He also hates the idea of coffee now being so commercialized and people aren't appreciating coffee for what it actually is. I still don't understand any of it, to be honest, but seeing him talk about it so passionately while I'm reading him the manual just got me beaming. I love seeing him in a good mood. We stayed up till 2 in the morning. Mainly because I'm a lazy showerer and takes me so much effort to realize I at least need to be clean before bedtime and also because he took at least 10 tries or more making his coffee. 'I want it at the right temperature', he said. 'Maybe it's the grind size. That's why it tastes different.' He paces back and forth from the computer to the kitchen counter where he has decided to permanently leave his machine and grinder to carefully watch multiple videos of the exact way to make the best tasting cup of coffee. When he's finally satisfied, I told him, 'let's go to sleep, you don't want to be late for work tomorrow.' We both walked into the bedroom, he switches off the AC and switched on the fan. 'So Sayang happy tak dah dapat coffee machine?', I asked. He just smiled and I kissed his shoulder goodnight. 'I love you so much, Sayang.’ ‘I love you too’, and we close our eyes to sleep.

I love being his wife.

Every morning before Rais goes to work, he takes the time to sit by my bed side. He gently wakes me up, caresses my face, my forehead, my hair and gives me light kisses all over my face. We exchange our ‘I love yous’ and ‘good byes’ and as soon as he leaves, I check my phone to see what time it is. Most of the time, he’s late but he’s never once missed our morning ‘ritual’. I feel sooo loved in the morning and ready to start my day because of that - one of the many many things I’m grateful for. It’s been 5 months since Rais and I got married. SO much has happened, and so much hasn’t. And not that that’s a bad thing. It’s just because of this current pandemic we’re in and there’s 101 things I wish I could do with Rais i.e. travel, coffee-café hopping, I don’t know, maybe even house hunting but I’m counting my blessings every day. Trying to live in the present and take one day at a time. It’s still surreal now that I’m someone’s wife. I was filling up a registration form for a doctor’s appointment yesterday (no, I’m not pregnant) and realized my emergency contact is now, my husband (still feels weird saying this). My marital status has changed, I’m now identified as a ‘Mrs’ and I’ve to write down my pregnancy plans over the next couple months. Like I said, just STRANGE. But apart from feeling a little like a fish out of water, I’m enjoying every second. I enjoy cooking and feeling at ease every time Rais finishes the dinner I made, or when I see him making his coffee in the middle of the night, or him playing Steve Vai’s Tender Surrender for the 45th time, or even when we watch Suits till 3 in the morning on weeknights like we’re a bunch of teenagers. And just all the quiet times of us bumming on the couch and cuddling, enjoying each other’s company in comfortable silence. A couple of months ago, I found out through Herman’s Instagram that his father passed away and that nearly broke my heart. Especially because I’ve met his father a couple of times before and how Herman’s really close to him despite not agreeing to some of his house rules. I sent him my condolences through text and he thanked me. But what came afterwards was a little surprising. H started telling me about how I have an amazing family, how they were always so welcoming of Herman whenever he came to the house and how “it was definitely not a waste that our paths crossed”. I didn’t really know how to feel at the time. But maybe because we shared so much past together, and we knew each other’s families that made him say all those things. He felt that he needed to say them, so he won’t regret incase.. you know, anything else happens. And all of this just brought me back to the day Rais tested Covid positive. We were both shocked, at lost for words and I felt helpless because I couldn’t even be near him. Every person I confided in either didn’t know what to do, were giving completely different operating procedures or suggesting situations that could possibly put us in more danger. As furious, upset and scared we both were (mainly me tbh), Rais managed to get it all sorted and quarantined himself for 10 days. But during that 10-13 days we were apart (starting when he first knew he was positive), I was a mess. I thought I’d lose him forever and only being married for 3 months at the time, I thought about my parents & my niece that we met few days before and if anything were to happen to them, the blame would be on us. My life without Rais, all the things we’ve wanted to do as a couple and just literally every possible worst thing that could happen. I remember crying after every prayer and talking to Him about my fears, not knowing what else to do. The day he had to quarantine himself, I sent him to his car. Standing 1 meter apart, Rais said a couple of things - to call/update him about the conditions of my family, to ask him for money if I didn’t have enough, or if anything happened, to call 999 right away and few other important details we both needed to know. But the one thing that I will never forget is how at the start of our conversation, I was already drenched in tears, carefully listening to him and trying so hard to hold it together. It was hard for me to be “away” from him. So, when he was about to get in his car, he told me he loved me so much and to take care of myself. And for the first time, in a reaaallly long time, I saw tears rolling down his cheeks and him carefully wiping them off under his glasses. And I just bawled even more. I knew he was scared, that he’ll blame himself if anything were to happen to me and both of our families. I almost wanted to shake him when he asked, “are you disappointed in me?” the night he found out he was positive. He could never. And has never once disappointed me since the first day we dated.

Since then, my whole worldview shifted even more. People project a lot of unrealistic notions about how marriage is supposed to be and how a life partner should act, dress, earn, talk, behave, so on and so forth. But nobody ever mentions about how everyone is just trying to be human. This pandemic situation made me realize that there are no petty issues worth arguing, particularly because we have so little time in this world. Cherish your loved ones. Hug and kiss them. Tell them you love them and take tons of pictures even if they get sick of it. And to my ever patient, loving, kind, hardworking and realist husband, I love you for all that you are. The good, the bad, everything. You’ve helped and carried me through in so many ways only I know. I’m grateful that I get to look at you every day and feel this sense of calmness I can’t explain. Thank you for wanting to go through this life with me, I wouldn’t wanna do it with anyone else. Also, your birthday’s tomorrow. Can’t wait to build more memories with you and go on adventures when the world heals. I love you forever, my most favourite person in the world. <3

lualvees-blog

recoverr-a-deactivated20210530

making friends (especially after you’ve lost a couple or several ones) can be hard and incredibly isolating. finding people we can connect and be vulnerable with is no easy task, so often we feel like it’s a moral failure when things don’t work out between us and someone else. just know there are so many people in this world you have yet to meet who will love you and it’s okay to drop all this heavy relationship baggage now. you’re not defined by the people you’ve lost.

Keep Him close.

I find that writing down about something so personal comes effortlessly to me. Maybe it’s just writing in general, but I’m also guessing it’s because I value these episodes so much and they’ve been engraved in my mind for the longest time that I can just naturally let my thoughts flow on paper. Or in this case, digital paper.

While trying to comprehend and decipher the 1001 things that are currently going on in my life, I’ve never felt this kind of tranquility in a reaaally long time. My heart is in this state of peace and quiet and for the very first time since forever, it’s not racing 100 beats per minute worrying about things I can’t control.

I’d be lying if I say it was an easy peasy process to get to where I am right this moment, because hell, it was excruciating pain. Every single time I sat on my prayer mat, I cried. I’d cry in the middle of eating lunch on my own, before I go to sleep, when I’m in the shower, in front of my laptop during a meeting. Massive headaches often occur, chest pains felt normal and I couldn’t enjoy being ‘present’ with everything that I did have. I think the saddest part of it all was that NO ONE knew all these were happening because I was always so good at hiding my face after crying in my room for a good half hour.

I hated myself for it. I felt petty, ungrateful, unloved, especially when my fiance’ didn’t open up to me as much as he used to. Even after he told me, ‘the pandemic’s affecting me too, you know’ and that he needed time to figure things out on his own, I still selfishly nagged him about that, and turned it around to make it about how I was feeling far worst.

And I also understood much later on, that telling my closed ones about what I was going through, would still make me feel empty and unresolved. As much as they try to comfort me with pieces of advice and sugar coat their opinions that I may or may not have already known myself (which I appreciate nonetheless btw), they can’t really help me. Only God and I can. So indirectly, and unconsciously (if I can put it that way), God was putting me through a spiritual journey this whole time and I was stupid enough not to realize it. I legit just teared up typing that last sentence.

I was looking forward to 2020 and have planned to devote my money, time and energy to planning my wedding - scouting for apartments & types of furniture, customizing my wedding invitations, designing my dresses for all 3 receptions, looking for shoes and even helping my fiance plan his side of the reception (yes, I’m a micro-manager like that). But because of the pandemic that caused the lockdown in March until God knows when, I had lost hope in everything. Until recently.

Embarrassed to admit, my faith hasn’t been consistent. And to be honest, I still struggle with it from time to time. All I know is that I still have it, and I’m immensely grateful for that. Each time I pray and talk to Him about my worries, my fears, my anxieties, I will always remind myself that He is listening and that He is faaar bigger and greater than aaaaanny of my worldly related troubles. Till today, It’s still hard for me to accept that our plans don’t always pan out the way we want them, that we’re not the one who's entirely in control, that our plans may not necessarily be the best for us or bring out the best in us. I still sometimes spiral back into a deep dark hole and worry about the uncertainties of my future but I'm slowly making peace with that. And when I've learned to tie my camel and leave the rest to God, my heart blooms more each day.

This pandemic is a blessing in disguise. I've relied on and reconnected with God in ways I never have and never thought I could, I've listened to spiritual podcasts about Quran verses’ translations and stories about the Prophets (thanks to AAPlus), read Quran this year more than I have any other year, tried my hardest to not get distracted in my prayers, focused on bettering myself spiritually, mentally and physically, made good intentions (regardless if I proceed with the intended gesture), made lots of sadaqah and worked on being an understanding partner to my fiance. One who understands his love language and love him unconditionally despite it all, (without being too intrusive - still working on this). May God accept our good deeds and ibadahs, Insha Allah. Amin.

So even though my wedding is in limbo, my fiance just got a 20% pay cut and could get laid off, we probably don't have enough money (at the moment) to sustain us for the first few months of our marriage (if we get married by March 2021), have not seen my bio dad, my half-siblings and my future in-laws (who I've been looking forward to spending more time with this year), my fiance's car not at its best condition, him struggling to find a new job and the cases in Malaysia is on the rise, I just have to surrender and put my 100% trust, faith and hope in Allah SWT. I am grateful He has blessed me with the patience and calmness throughout this calamity and may I work on being consistent with receiving His blessings in His best time, Insha Allah (one of the many things I have admired and loved about my fiance - his patience). Maybe I have reached the lowest point in my life. Possibly one of the longest too. Truly when you’re at your worst, you tend to self reflect upon your existence in this world and why the universe is unfair. But you still hold on tight to your faith. Be thankful that you at least have that. And most importantly, hang on to Allah SWT and never ever let go. Because ultimately, He is all you have. A constant reminder to myself and everyone else out there who’s also going through a hard time.

valtsv

tofuimpala

anyone else feel like they missed the entire month of october. And the entire month of september. and the whole summer. and everything before that. anyone else passively floating through space and time. anyone else feeling like a member of the audience in a movie theater screening their own consciousness who’s just sitting back and eating snacks while everything plays out before them

cattloverss

Each and every person I’ve photographed on my film camera means the world to me. My biggest fear is to find myself again if I ever lose anyone of them. But right this moment, my heart is full with all of you in it.

bled

yo-mad

quotemadness

I am the only one who can free me from this mess of mine.

Unknown (via quotemadness)

Every single time I talk about Rais, I get a little teary eyed. Maybe because this year was a real test to our relationship. It was all these unnecessary tension we didn’t need in our lives, but we still had to sit through it together. It’s because we’ve seen how we both struggled with our internal demons, our personal issues and other external distractions. And how we’ve gone through sooo much already in just a year. But most of all, it’s cause I love him. With all my heart. It’s been a long time since Rais and I spent a full proper day/ quality time, just the two of us. And we did that today. Mainly for his Birthday but I just wanted an excuse to spend more time with him. He was never really fond of celebrating, it’s sad really. Regardless, I’ll make it a point to do something special for all his birthdays. Just us both. It was simple. We had lunch. We took some pictures around KL. We had ice cream. Went for karaoke for the first time together (so fun to sing and harmonize regardless of how we sounded). And went back home. He makes me soo soooo happy. I tell him this every night before bed and I hope he will eventually believe it one day. I hope he will eventually believe that I’ve never wanted more in a partner and that he’s been perfect. We turn 1 year 2 months today and I’m grateful.

And then I realized..

Hi.

I just came back from a voice over recording for a project my company’s working on. And maybe I just found my next calling. Doing voice overs. Making people feel things with my spoken words - expressing words emotionally that some may not know how. But anyway, we did the recording at one of the music studios bout 20 mins away from my house. And when working in an advertising agency, you work with tonnnss of studios. But I really wanted to work with this one in particular. Why, you might ask? Because HE works there. My first love. The one I couldn’t stop talking about as a teenager. Even yeaaarss later after that, in fact. And yes, it seems kinda odd to want to meet your first love from 10 years ago when you’re happily engaged and about to get married soon like sooon soooon. But It’s not because I still have feelings for him. It was more of wanting to take this risky step to put my past to rest, once and for all. Kind of like a closure. To meet him, have a proper conversation without falling back into a deep hole and go back home feeling like ‘Phew, thank God I don’t have THOSE kind of feelings anymore’. Working in the same industry, I knew we were bound to meet one way or another. So we did. I did meet him after I settled the recording. We had a proper, decent, engaging conversation. Talked a bit bout our career, our passion, our families, our friends, laughed a lot. And then I realized.. At that very moment, That I’m waaaay past this. My feelings for him has been long gone without even me realizing it. I was so immersed in the conversation. We knew every memory, Every wound, Every concert, every gig. We were even talking bout people we’re not in contact with anymore. It really felt like a bunch of our memory cards flashing right in front of my eyes. The familiarity of it all felt comforting. I mean, after all, we did share sooo many things together. Especially when we were just discovering ourselves at the time.

But for the whole half an hour we were catching up, not once did I cave in and felt scared of how I felt. Because this time, it was different. It felt different. I guess now, I can finally tell myself that I’ve put my feelings towards him to rest. Thank God. Sure, he’ll still have a special place in my heart and I’ll still care for him. He will still and forever be my first love. But he’ll be just that. A part of my past that I can now peacefully move on from. I still find it strange, how life works. For a few years you were scared some feelings might not go away, that you’ll never move on from a past memory, or get over something or someone like your first love. But you do eventually, even if it takes 10 years later.

whitepeopletwitter

neckkiss

Palo Alto (2013)

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