sometimes I just get like
just urgh so frustrated because there are so many people out there who are so much better off than me. And yeah I get it and I also get that there are people worse off than me but it makes me angry anyway.
Like I don’t think anyone out there realizes how much effort I put into being a good person and being a good friend and putting effort into my friendships and it really pisses me off when fucking lazy people who don’t make any effort or are rude get so much attention and people love them. I mean, call me bitter, but I wish someone would fucking notice.
I feel like the people around me who try to comfort me don’t understand the full extent of how I feel. I know I have depression, but there’s a lot else involved that’s been around for my whole life that I just ignored until now. And I don’t know how to fix it, and I don’t even know if it can be fixed because it’s been there my whole life. I mean, people will say “It’s going to be okay”, but most of them don’t really know and don’t really know how hard it is.
Whenever I’m around people, I don’t feel connected to them. I don’t feel like they’re there, and for the vast majority of the time if let’s say I’m walking through hallways at school, it feels the same emotionally for me if it’s full of people as if it’s completely empty. Emotionally, I don’t really feel connected to people. And I know there’s supposed to be some level of connection there but I only vaguely know how that feels because I’ve been like this my whole life. It’s rare if I ever feel empathy for people, even when I know they’re in a shitty situation. I just don’t. I don’t know if that’s the “depression” piece or the “don’t feel connected to people” piece. I mean, I’ve done a little of my own research and honestly the only thing I’ve been able to come up with that’s close to that is like, a sociopath. Like, do you know how it feels to have to compare yourself to a sociopath?
I don’t feel anything when people comfort me. I mean, literally people have held me in their arms and I still feel like I’m separated from them and how do you fix that? I know I need help but I don’t know how much of this is fixable. I feel like confronting this depression and going to therapy and everything has helped but I also feel like I’ve just been dissected and there’s nothing usable left. And I don’t know what to do with that.
It just feels like my mind is doing all kinds of things to corner me into being alone and unhappy for the rest of my life, and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s always been a ‘social piece’ in my life - I mean, something wrong with “the social piece”. I feel so alone all the time, but when I’m with people I don’t feel connected to them. I’m socially awkward as fuck so I fake it, which helps with the “awkward” part but not with the connection part.
I know this is… all over the place, and everything. But I just get frustrated.
APPARENTLY MY MOM’S INSURANCE DOESN’T COVER THERAPY
and my number of sessions at ROCK are running out. I don’t know what to do because I don’t think I can ask my dad for help because he just argued with me when I called him and I don’t want to ask him for help because I feel like he doesn’t deserve to be my lifeline. I’m just scared and crying right now and fdgkdvbl.
I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll have to get a job for now to pay for it but what am I going to do when I need to pay for college and I need therapy? ugh ugh ugh ugh
I’m just scared because every time an obstacle gets in my way I’m afraid I’m going to lose my chances to get better and I can’t do this sadness thing any longer.
I guess I just feel like there’s a wall up between me and everyone else, and it’s hard to feel bad for other people. I feel happy for people but not bad for them when sad things happen and I feel horribly guilty for it it makes me feel like I’m a bad person
and I feel like I can’t connect with people like I always feel separate from them and I think depression is a part of that but I think I’ve felt that way for most of my life, so I don’t know
sometimes i think i am just afraid to love and be loved by people
and i’m scared i will always be alone
I’m going to be really vague about this because I don’t want to talk about it and I might delete this post later so forgive me.
A long time ago something happened to me where I tried to do something… and let’s just say it backfired. And I got really badly embarrassed and I was really just horribly ashamed of what happened.
I was dealing with depression and some other stuff at the time that I didn’t really realize was as bad as it actually was and I didn’t realize I needed help for it, so after that I reacted really badly, and I know the people who had seen what happened were trying to be nice and felt sorry for me, but I just made it worse, and I didn’t know what to do.
And now that I’m older and it’s been a long time since that happened I just want to go back and give my old self a hug because I was so stupid, and I didn’t know what to do and I was just trying to get through something. I didn’t know what to do. And it hurt me so much but I didn’t know what I was doing. And I didn’t realize how wrong everything was for me and I just got really scared and really just horribly ashamed every time I was reminded of it.
And even nowadays when I see some of the people who were there I know I should be over it but my fight-or-flight response kicks in right away and I have to leave, even if they’re not there for long I feel like I have to run away and I feel like they’re everywhere and they hate me because I was so stupid. And I wish I could make it better.
For the past few months I’ve kind of been dealing with things in a weird way. I try and say, “This is going to change, and I’m going to make it change” or “It’s okay, this will all be better later”, but it doesn’t get better. I’ve been waiting for the day when it’s all supposed to turn around for months now and it just hasn’t.
That said, there’s something about looking outside and seeing things start to grow again, and knowing that it probably won’t snow again and that summer will be back before I know it that gives me hope. And I know that someday it will be better and I’ll be happy and… and I’ll be brand new in a lot of ways, but I just don’t feel it right now.
The frustrating thing is, knowing that the future will be better doesn’t make the present any better itself. I’m, still depressed and frustrated and my mindset is so “dusty” and I’m so sick of feeling the same way for so long but it doesn’t go away. I’m still muddling over things that happened, things that I screwed up, months ago. It’s so pointless to be thinking about them but I can’t stop and I can’t forget. And so when I look outside and I see things that make me happy and make me realize the future will be better and these things will change, it’s so bittersweet to know that this happy feeling won’t last long.
I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging as much with you guys for a while. I want to, I just don’t want people to look for my blog and I know there’s a risk for that but I still don’t want to deal with it. I might make a private blog with a common password but idk. Anyway, here’s a few updates:
I have a lot to do. This month coming up (Basically all of January) is summative and exam time. Meaning, right before exams, they dump us with giant projects worth between 10 and 30% of our grade (Depending on which classes have exams or not). I also have backed up work from before summatives, including two giant projects for Commtech (edit a fucking video I might just skip that and make sure I do amazing on the summative, and digital paint a bunch of backgrounds FOR my summative. I also have to do research for my French summative (the topic of which was supposed to be decided a month ago) and catch up on all my Photography work (ew.)
I’ve been thinking about art. It seems that the more I feel like I understand my (potential) depression, the more I really want to document it. Mind you, I don’t actually ever do anything. It’s like I want to make artwork but I don’t really feel anything when I do, so I don’t have any motivation to. I don’t feel any creative spark or feeling from creating things. That said, when I do get my creative spark back, I want to document my depression and “personal condition” in a project called ‘the nest’. After trying to paint depression and unhappiness, I’ve realized it doesn’t work (At least, not for me. Some painters can do that, but for me it doesn’t feel right). The thing is, whenever I paint it I paint it like a dying tree or a THING. But that’s not how it feels. Depression feels like it surrounds you; like it takes everything you touch and pulls the colour from it. It’s like a permanently rainy day. It makes things not feel enjoyable anymore. And for me, I lost my art. I mean, I can paint damn well for my age, but I never enjoy it. Depression took the thing that made me who I was - my talent and creativity- and made it fade. Depression took away my identity. I don’t know who I am without art. I want my art projects to reflect that, and I want them to communicate “The personal condition”, i.e. the personal condition of a person. What condition a single person is in at a certain time. For this, I want to build a physical nest (No idea when I will be able to create this project. Fuck.). A big one, one that a person could sit in. Honestly, I see this as a museum project if I ever become a New York artist (please oh god please let this happen). Have you ever heard the quote “A cluttered room is a sign of a cluttered mind”? That’s kind of where this is coming from. I want to illustrate the “cluttered mind”, symbolically, and show the “burnt-out, depressed, unmotivated… faded” kind of feeling.
^I kind of alluded to it before, but I’m in therapy right now. Around the middle of October, I started seeing a therapist. Her name is Angela, and she’s wonderful. Honestly, therapy has helped me realize that there was a lot more wrong with me than I thought there was, and I’m not sure how or if it’s ever going to fully “get better”, but I’m at least kind of learning how I tick and how to make it better. So yeah. Also, I said a lot about depression, and Angela, although we’re still working through things and trying to figure out exactly what’s wrong, has mentioned a lot that the things I talk about are all symptoms of depression, so although we still have time to think about what else it could be, there’s a giant chance I’ll be diagnosed with and treated for depression. So, yeah.
Old posts from my shared-with-friends blog from a while ago. I'm just lumping them together for the sake of doing so.
vaporwave
2087
izzy806
gummygunk
stormborns
romaincrisis
areudirty
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
