Imagine the first time Levi tells the kids that he's proud of them.
It'd be months after the war ended. Despite him retiring, the 104th kids still loved him and respected him, so he never had to be alone. There would always be someone popping by his house. Armin coming by for advice. Connie dropping by with his favourite tea. Jean visiting to rant to him about all the extra work he has to do now that he was a higher rank and a peace ambassador. Mikasa doesn't show up though, she never does.
Mikasa is the only one Levi attempts to keep in contact with. He sends her letters once a month, asking how she is. She doesn't respond, but that doesn't make him stop, just as the brats don't either.
One night, they invite him to a drink. And Levi, reluctantly, shows up.
Levi, as he is, acts indifferent to the kids and their unconditional affection for him, often acting annoyed when they show up. Even though he appreciates it greatly. And the kids know that too, so their previous Captain's unenthusiastic greetings never bothers them.
As the lot of them bicker and banter and argue, Levi watches quietly, sipping on his drink. He had been silent, as he usually is, not speaking a single word throughout the night except to order his drink and answer Armin's small talk. Connie and Jean are unbelievably noisy, both arguing over something intensely as Armin kept trying to calm them down. Usually, they'd try to be quieter in Levi's presence. They wouldn't admit it, but they were still lowkey afraid of the cold man. But tonight, they had enough to drink, and they were rowdy as fuck.
It was loud, louder than Levi would ever tolerate usually either, but he had enough to drink as well and so surprisingly it doesn't bother him as much as it would have. Instead of telling them to shut up, he listens to them absentmindedly.
"Oy, you dumbass!" He barks, "No one's going to agree with your stupid plan. You're gonna set a freaking world war again!" Connie, pissed by his interruption, jumps back to yelling at Jean again.
"So ask Captain!" Connie says loudly, "he'd agree with me! Right, captain Levi?" He turns to look at him hopefully. Levi was not listening at all. He doesn't even know what he's asking about. He stares at Connie blankly as Jean retaliates.
"..you guys.." Armin tries weekly, though his voice is meek and barely audible under the loud voices. He glanced at Levi warily, as if scared the captain was going to lose his temper.
But Levi wasn't angry. He was only mildly surprised.
"Hey, you lot..." He spoke quietly.
On cue, the bickering stopped, both Jean and Connie shutting their mouth and snapping their heads toward him, suddenly scared that they had crossed the line. But Levi only looked at them.
"Why do you still call me captain anyways," He asks, a frown on his face as he watches them with a quiet curiosity, "I haven't been that for a long time."
At this, the others fell silent. This was the last question they had expected him to ask. They glanced at each other uncomfortably, trying to figure out what to say. But what were they even supposed to answer to a question like that?
Connie and Armin muttered out soft noises of agreement. Levi stared at them for a second, his mouth slightly parted. He blinked, comsidering their words, thinking.
Jean was the first one to recover. "Sorry, cap," He grins, casually leaning back on his chair with his arms folded behind his head. "Once a captain, always a captain."
Once a captain, always a captain, huh?
Even with a fucked leg and one less eye?
He sighs. Then suddenly, look at Connie and ask, "What were you asking about?"
Connie, unable to believe his luck, stuttered for a few seconds. Then he rushed to elaborate his previous question, excitedly elaborating the point he'd referred to which was about a negotiation deal he'd suggested for the peace alliance between Marley and Paradis. And to no surprise, as Jean had said, it was horrible.
"Absolutely not," He started shaking his head before Connie could even finish, scowling disapprovingly. "Jean's right. Are you trying to start a global war again?"
Jean was absolutely gleeful. Not only had the captain directly acknowledged him, but also agreed with him. He shot a shit-eating grin at Connie who pouted. Meanwhile, Armin took the chance. It was so rare for Levi to ever join in conversations, he wanted to make the most of it. He leaned forward, his blue eyes gleaming. "What do you think about it anyways, captain Levi?" He asks eagerly. "About the peace alliance?"
Levi stared at him for a few seconds, watching the blonde boy's face light up with excitement as he waited for his response.
Suddenly, that's when it hit him. How important he was to these boys.
He thought he had lost everything when Hange and Erwin died, when the war was over, when he could no longer even stand up without a wheelchair and had to retire. He had spent days, wondering what was it, that he was still living for, what was the point of all of it? Nobody needed him anymore. Who was he if not humanity's strongest?
But he was here now, with a bunch of annoying brats who don't care that he's old and crippled, who respected him just as they had at the very beginning. They have come so far now, he thinks, further than he ever did. Then he ever could. They have changed the world. Armin was the literal commander, while he was nothing. But he still wanted acknowledgment from a man who cannot even walk on his own.
He smiled. Just barely. When had they grown so much?
It was a strange feeling, a feeling he had felt many times, though never as strongly as he did then. He felt pride. He was proud of them. Of each of them. Proud that they were his boys. Annoying fucking brats, but his boys nevertheless.
He leaned forward, reaching out to put a hand over Armin's head. Without a word, he ruffled his soft blonde hair fondly and Armin stilled, impossibly rigid, and so does the others. His soft, surprised blue eyes meet Levi's softer gray ones.
"You've done well," He tells him, his voice so gentle, uncharacteristically so. He looked at the others, "You two as well," He tells Connie and Jean, who gapes, staring at him with wide, shocked eyes.
"I'm proud of you. All of you." He says quietly. "Thank you,"
Then, he stood up, grabbed his crutch and limped off. The boys watched him confusedly, but no one stops him. They're too baffled to even speak, let alone move. Levi exits the room, and just as he does, he heard them break into murmers.
"What the fuck?" Jean was saying, struggling to get out the words, "What the fuck?"
Meanwhile, Armin sat quietly. He hadn't moved an inch. He sat in his seat completely still, still struggling to process what just happened. Jean and Connie nudged him warily, to which eh stirred slightly.
"Is his drink spiked?" Connie asks, grabbing the glass Levi had been drinking from, peering closely at the content.
"...huh?" He mumbles, his gaze unfocused.
"Nah man for real, life is so fucking unfair," Connie joins in, draping a hand over his eyes.
"You lucky bastard," Jean groans, "Why did it have to be you?"
Levi watches. He doesn't leave. He can't bring himself to leave. He leans on the doorstep, just out of view, but he's there. He listens as Connie says something and Jean bursts into laughter, Armin still stuttering over his words. He could see them from here, just a glimpse, but it's enough to make him stay.
There was a tight knot in his chest. As he was looking at them, he could almost see the others. Eren with his stupid temper and Mikasa trying to calm him down. He could almost picture Sasha gobbling down something greedily, completely unaware of the conversations going on the table. Historia would be there as well, sitting in a corner by herself, watching them with wide, curious eyes.
But there were others too. He saw Hange in there as well. They're totally drunk and giggling uncontrollably as Moblit tries to take the bottle away from them. Erwin watches them with amusement while Mike looks unamused, Nanaba was laughing her head off. They're younger here, unscathed. Hange has their eyes and Erwin has his arm. They looked happy, less tired, like they had no worries at all anymore. A scene from a life he had lost so long ago.
He sucked in a deep breath. It was loud enough for Armin to hear him. He turns around, his eyes finding Levi's.
Erwin and his blue eyes.
But when their eyes locked, he couldn't see Armin anymore. There was Erwin instead.
Levi stared at you from across the room, watching you as you distractedly fumbled with the straps of your gear. Your fingers worked clumsily as they attempted to work with the clasp on your thigh properly, only for it to keep slipping out of your grasp, again and again, earning annoyed huffs from you. You were late, you knew. The others in the room had already cleared out, leaving only you as you struggled and Levi as he watched. But the more you tried to hurry, the worse it kept getting, the belts getting all tangled up with each other and you looked like you were about to cry.
He would've left by now as well, if not for you and your misery that made him stick around. It was very unusual to see you this unsettled, specially right before an expedition. Your hands were trembling uncontrollably. Levi felt frustrated just by watching you. Finally, his patience wained as he sighed and stepped forward.
“Call yourself a captain and you can't even tie your gear.” He muttered as he kneeled in front of you. Without letting you protest, he slapped your shaking hands away and took the strap to his own hands.
You were about to argue but when he shot a glare at you. You shut up. Even you knew when to be stubborn and when to be not and the clock that ticked away on the wall was a clear indication of what the choice should be. Therefore, you settled with a quietly mumbled curse but stretched out your leg anyway.
His expert hands worked fluidly, slipping underneath the belt and wrapping it around your shin. He pulled out one end and the leather grasped to your leggings.
“Too tight?”
“No.”
He did the other leg too, finishing the task you'd been struggling with for the past 15 minutes within 10 seconds. When he was done, his hand hesitantly reached up for for the ones at your thighs. He shot a questioning glance up towards you for approval and you nodded. This was no time for proprietary. He went back to work.
“What's on your mind?” He asked, glancing at you with gray eyes when he was done. In them, he had worry.
Everything. You wanted to say when you looked at him. Everything.
But of course you don't.
You shook your head, standing up. Wordlessly, you stepped around him, picking up the the sword sheathes hanging on the wall and adjusted them to your waist.
Levi stood up as well, brushing down his pants. He was about to tell you he didn't buy it. There was something wrong, he could tell, but before he could part his mouth, someone entered.
“Levi—Ah, I see you're here as well.” Erwin's deep voice reaches you as you turned. “Shadis is asking about your absence. We have about 5 minutes until we depart. Is everything okay?” Erwin's blue eyes found yours as he asked the last question. Levi didn't fail to notice.
“Yes, sir.” You replied, a little too quickly perhaps. Levi's eyes narrowed. “I'll meet you out, sir.”
You sidestepped Erwin, in a hurry to leave the room. But just before your face disappeared, he caught the sight of absolute despair that was etched on your face.
.
“What's wrong with her?”
Erwin turned around, not surprised to find Levi on his horse, stanidng out of formation and beside him. “Levi.” He said pointedly.
“Don't be an ass, I'm going back in a minute.” He snapped. He knew Erwin knew something. “What the hell is wrong with her?”
“Hange says she's sick. Threw up in the morning twice apparently. Refused to have breakfast as well.” Erwin shrugged.
Levi paused. Now that he thinks about it, sure, Levi hadn't seen you down at breakfast hours. He had just assumed you'd gotten in earlier.
Levi looked outraged. “And you're letting her out like that?”
“Levi, really.” Erwin sighed, looking at him. “Since when does she listen to me?”
Levi felt irritated. It was stupid of him not to realize Erwin must have told you to stay in. More stupid of him to not realize you had said no, like the arrogant shit you were.
He thinks of your face from a few minutes ago, when you were struggling with your battles. It would've been an hour and you still wouldn't ask for help. That's just the way you were. He thought of your pale face and shaky hands. He thinks of the formation quickly, running an image in his head. You would be on the north perimeter, far away from him, surrounded by a bunch of rookies. You'd be on watch which was comparatively less dangerous, but he felt uneasy anyways.
“Put me near her.” He said suddenly. “Let Eld handle my squad.”
Erwin gave him a strange look. It made Levi self-conscious. “What?” He said defensively. He knew it was strange, fuck, but he couldn't think of another way. He couldn't let your stupid ass alone out there.
“She can take care of herself." Erwin said. "She's a soldier, she knows what she's getting into. If she thinks she can handle it, why not have a little faith?”
“If she dies out there because she's too fucking stubborn," He jabbed a finger at him. "You'd be the one sorry.”
Erwin looked thoughtful. “Heart getting in the way of your head, Levi?”
Levi felt heat rushing to his cheeks. But Erwin cut him off before he could say anything.
“But yes,” He nodded. “I was going to tell Hange to keep an eye on her. But you don't listen to me either, do you?” He looked at him, the blonde man's piercing blue eyes searing straight through Levi's soul. “Do as you may.”
Do as you may. Levi thought about the words as he turned his horse around. Do as he might— for a friend. If that's what you were.
.
“Are you supposed to be here?” You asked tiredly, glancing at him when his horse stopped beside you.
“No.”
You frowned.
“Last minute change of formation.” Levi lied.
“Erwin didn't tell me.”
“Because he sent me here to tell you.”
You gave him a skeptical look. It was clear you did not believe him, but you didn't say anything else.
And that's how Levi knew there was something definitely, definitely wrong. Anytime else, you would've never let this go easily. You would've pestered him, annoyed him with questions, teased him, made every use of it until you got the answers you were looking for. Then you would argue. Bicker at him to convince you were okay so he left you. You hated the idea of getting help anyways, specially from him.
But right now, he glanced, you just looked so very tired.
.
Expedition had started a while ago. Neither you or Levi had exchanged any words since then.
The two of you were on watch duty, perched on a tree as you scanned around for any upcoming titans, the smoke gun ready at your hand. A bland job, unsuited for both of you and very below your skill level. But you weren't complaining and you always complained.
You looked pale. There were bruises under your eyes and your lips were chapped, you looked fragile as a bird, a very exhausted bird.
You weren't talking and so, neither was Levi. He watched you as you kept your eyes on the forest perimeter. Your gaze was so blank, Levi briefly wondered if you were even focused.
And it was because Levi was watching you so closely that he noticed the exact moment your eyes lost focus.
The exact moment your muscles went slack and the grip around your swords went loose.
The exact moment your legs crumbled and you dropped forward.
And it was because he was watching you, because in his guts, he was certain there was something wrong and every inch of him was guarded that his body kicked in just the exact moment you tipped and he dived forward, catching you seconds before you crashed onto the ground like a broken ragdoll.
—
You were sitting at a table in the sidelines, watching couples as they swayed in rhythm to the melody of the piano all around the ballroom. You hummed along, tapping your fingers as you took a swig of your drink.
It was a ball hosted with a goal to fund for the scouts. It looked all fancy, but really under those painted and polite faces were twisted thoughts and sly hearts. You could feel the political tension thrumming in the air. And though you never really liked the social expectations to meet when attending these, it was fun to dress up and get a taste of the life of nobles for a night.
Shame that it's your last ever one.
You startled when the dark-haired man appeared beside you and sank down on a chair without a word.
"Tch." He clicked his tongue impatiently, plucking off a glass from the nearby waiter. He swung one of his legs over the other, his irritated face stood out bluntly amongst all the polite smiles and pleasantries. "How long do we have to stay here?"
"Levi." You smiled. He didn't return your smile, or even turned to look at you. He merely frowned, the slight wrinkles around his eyes indicating the foul mood was not at all uncommon for him. "Manners."
"Manners? If Erwin forces me to talk to one more of those stuck up rich bastards—"
"You're the star here. 'Humanity's Strongest' remember?"
"What a joke." He huffed frustratedly. "Don't call me that. It's like I'm a product being advertised to be sold."
"If you put it that way." You shrugged. Raw words, you thought. No false Incase of politeness. He said what he thought, no filters. Always. "The human miracle, the thug from underground that held talent like no other, the one who'd save humankind. Sounds like a pretty tempting investment."
"I will pour this on you I swear."
You giggled.
"Lots of admirers though." You tilted your head to observe the group of young girls huddled in a corner, ogling at him, giggling softly and pointing. Levi shot them a halfhearted, disinterested glance, which only made them squeal louder. He scowled.
"Won't fucking leave me alone." He mumbled.
You smiled, watching him as he fidgeted, fingers holding the wine glass by the strange way you've always seen him, by the rim. He looked out of place. In this grand room filled with colors and vibrance, he was dressed in black. Trousers, shoes, waistcoat, suit—it was all different shades of black. And even his eyes were a shade of gray. It contrasted against the paleness of his skin.
He was beautiful, you thought, watching him from the corner of your eyes. Beautiful. But there was an edge to it. Like the way the sharp edge of a sword glitters in the moonlight. Intimidating. Dangerous. Mesmerizing.
It only ever made you want to steal a closer look, to peer at his heart to see if his soul was as stone made as he appeared.
You've known him for so long, since the first he ever became a scout. Yet here, right now, in the midst of all this grandeur and with him looking like someone straight out of a novel, you felt like a little child. A lovesick little teenager getting her first crush. Not a scout who's killed titans. It always felt like that. With him. It was like hoping for the moon, and you're only just a silly, silly human.
You've known him for so long and you've grown so close, yet now that you look at him, he's never felt further away.
You were only just a girl when it was him.
Levi was cruel, there was no other way to put it. But yet, as you came to realize through the years, the unkind words he threw at your way sometimes, they were only just that. He didn't mean half of it, almost as if he said them only out of habit. He was kind too, you noticed. In the strangest ways. He'd let you pester him all day, make him help you with his work, forcefully make him listen to every gossip you learnt about, rant about your little romance novels, and in turn, sometimes, when you pushed, he'd even share glimpses of your own life.
You think the strangest thing was that about him. That he pretended he didn't care, that he hated listening to you rant but somehow he always remembered the smallest details, some of which even you forgot sometimes. Levi seemed to always notice the day you didn't sleep enough, when you looked too tired, when you felt uncomfortable.He’d remind you to eat, to take care of yourself, to rest.
From a young age, you had learnt to accept that life was always going to be too short for you. That it will never be enough. There will always be something more you'd need. And so you had forced yourself to keep everyone at an arm's length. Fuck around but never, ever fall. Because it'd hurt so much less when the end bell finally rang.
So what were you to do, when your heart starts to beat differently for that one strange, complex man?
You liked the way Levi looked at you. His gaze honest and clear. You liked how straight he was with his words.
It was nice. To be with someone so rudely honest. Because Levi looked at you as if you were you. And it reminded you that this scarcity of life you were given weren't all you were.
You were a living, breathing person.
Levi made you feel alive.
A voice cut you off your thinking. There was a man in front of you, trying to gain your attention. And you smiled politely, rejecting what was probably the dozenth of man who proposed to you for a dance. Levi glanced at the dejected man who walked away sullen.
"Won't you dance?" He suddenly asked, looking at you. "You haven't moved an inch since you've been here. I thought you liked this shit."
You only shook your head.
"Why not? You look like you want to."
And you do. Levi would know. Every ball you've ever attended, you danced your ass if and then proceeded to complain about it to Levi about how bad your legs hurt the whole of next day.
You smiled sheepishly. "Not tonight." Not ever.
He sat up straight, finally turning to look at you. He put his glass down, his expression serious. Steel gaze searing through your skin.
"You're resigning." The words were a statement but it was also a question.
You stared at him.
"You didn't tell me." He said accusingly, his voice sharp. His tone gave away the anger he felt, the betrayal, through his face gave away nothing. He shook his head like he couldn't believe you. "I had to find out from fucking eyebrows tonight. Why are you resigning?"
"Well?" He demanded, when you don't respond, the hint of frustration lacing his usually cool, flat voice at the lack of answer.
"Sure you know, Levi." You sighed.
He raised an eyebrow brow inquiringly, looking confused.
"What? Is this because you passed out in the last mission? You've been a wet rag ever since." He said, frowning. "Don't tell me you blame yourself for that and think you're incapable or something."
"I am incapable."
"Bullshit." He spits out angrily. "It was this one time and it's probably because you skipped meals or something. You're better than half the other idiots."
Oh.
You realized then, only then, suddenly as you met his eyes, your heart sinking in your chest.
He doesn't know.
Levi doesn't know yet.
No one told him.
Erwin hadn't told him. Your eyes found Erwin's blue ones in a corner of the room. He gave you a slight nod, turning his focus back to the men he was conversing with. He must've thought it would be best if you told him yourself.
You felt despair, the sorry excuse of a heart that lived in your chest pounded hard.
You clasped your fingers, then unclasped it. The room was suddenly so cold. You can't do this.
Levi was still watching you, waiting. But you saw it, the sudden unease in his face as he sensed something was very, undoubtedly wrong and he shot a glance over Erwin as well. He must be realizing now, that there was something more here, something he couldn't understand. A bad news he was kept out of.
You couldn't help but think how strange fate was then. It pushed rose colored glasses onto you, granting you those soft beautiful moments and convincing you that, this is nice, this is perfect, you can live like this—until you can't. Until you're here. Until suddenly the delusions slip out and reality is a far, far tougher enemy to defeat than titans.
How do you tell Levi time was running out?
That fate was a cruel, cruel little thing.
“What's going on?” He said quietly, his shoulders tense. His expression held the subtle sign of panic in him. “What aren't you telling me?”
“Levi." You looked at him tiredly. He met your gaze with his narrowed, gray eyes. You felt sad when you looked at him, melancholic. "Don't you know?"
"What?" He asked.
"I'm dying."
—
Levi hadn't seen you since then.
He didn't know what happened to you.
You had disappeared the day after, your office cleared of all possessions, and Erwin had only told him you had gone back home. He had no way of contacting you, no way of visiting you, no way of confronting you to ask what the fuck were you talking about. He could hardly focus on his work because that's all he could think about. You looking at him with those eyes, with the saddest face he had ever seen you make. He can't forget the words you said, how you said it. That's all he could think about.
So when he received the letter, your neat, elegant handwriting on the smooth paper surface, he was relieved. And worried. And surprised.
You had wrote only two words.
"Meet me?"
He frowned. Meet you where?
But when he turned to look at the envelope, turning it on his hand to check the sender's address, he froze.
Behind it, was the address of a hospital.
—
Hange was going from corridor to corridor, swooping through room to room to find you as Levi quietly follows. He felt nauseous as he walked. He never liked hospitals. Today, he hated it even more.
It didn't take long. Hange asked a few nurses and they all seemed to know you. Levi registered it numbly, how often you must've come here for everyone to know you by name only. He briefly remembered the times you’d disappear without explanation. Was that for hospital check ups? How long had you been sick and he hadn't realized?
“Ah!” Hange's excited yelp broke him out of his daze. They disappeared behind an open door. “There you are!”
From the other side, he could hear a muffled voice. A voice he knows. His hands are balled into a fist as he squeezed them in his pockets. It didn't feel real. This can't be real. There's no way you're on the other side of that door.
He closed his eyes. He doesn't step in, he doesn't dare. It feels silly, he knew, it was your voice, your face, when was he ever scared to see you? But he was. Right now. It felt insane but he knew he'd rather be out in the forest right now, facing a damn titan than face you.
“No, Erwin couldn't come. He's been so busy but Levi—huh, where did Levi go? Wait, let me go and—” Hange's head pops back out. “Shortie, are you being shy? She's looking for you!”
Fuck. Was there still time to leave this fucking place?
But no, Hange knew. They were looking at him with the same excited expression but their eyes had a strange, determined look. You have to do this, they were telling him. For your sake.
So he did. He exhaled sharply and hoped for composure and walked in.
And nothing in this world ever could've prepared him for what he saw.
Just over the few weeks, your eyes had sunken to your face and your cheeks were hollow. And your face was pale, almost as colorless as the white hospital walls. There were wires attached to you, through your wrist, through your nose.
You looked broken.
But your eyes lit up the moment you saw him.
"Hello." You smiled.
And yet somehow, he thought, in the strangest way, you still looked beautiful. Now more than ever. Beautiful in a way that terrified him. It made him feel sick to his stomach. But he couldn’t look away.
He swallowed the dread down.
"You look like shit." He said.
You broke into a smile.
"Sit." You patted across a chair beside you. "Don't worry, I've made them disinfect the room twice. No germs." You reassured him, grinning. You knew him so well.
He said nothing, but silently took a seat
When you beamed up at him and his heart tugged. It took so little to make you happy.
Then you turned back to Hange, the two of you slipping to easy conversation. He doesn't know for how long. He kept his eyes on the floor. To look anywhere but you. He doesn't know when the time passed, but every once a while you would laugh at something Hange said and that's the only time he would feel conscious, your voice bringing him back. That's the only time he spared a glance at you.
You laughed the same. You looked in pain, but you laughed the same.
It went on for a while more, as the two of you chatted, discussing such casual things, none of you addressing him. He was grateful for it, to be ignored. Grateful to not be expected to be included in the conversation. It was hard enough to be here. He's not you or Hange. He couldn't pretend everything's fine and laugh about it.
But he could almost convince himself that everything was fine. Everything was fine. He was in the meeting room in the Scouts headquarters with everyone else and you were fine. Hange was shitting about military police and you were agreeing. Hange was telling you about titans and you were listening. And in this version, you were fine. You weren't here in this small, colorless hospital room, with tubes and needles going through you.
“Right. It's getting late, so I gotta go. I hope you feel better, girlie,” Hange's voice snapped him out of his daze as they pushed back on the chair to get up. He dully notices Hange's choice of words. Feel better. Not get better. “We’ll try to come by when we can. Make sure to drop by when you can as well. C’mon Levi let's go.” They nudged his shoulders. Levi felt relief. He needed some fucking air.
But Levi was only about to stand up when your fingers reached out to wrap around his hand.
“Levi.” You asked him, speaking directly to him for the first time in the hour. “Stay a while?”
He flinched when you touched him. He doesn't meet your eyes. Instead they find Hange's brown ones, who were watching the interaction closely.
“Sure Levi, why don't you accompany her?” They smacked his shoulders casually, but Levi didn't miss the intentional squeeze. “You don't have anything to do today anyway.”
Levi considered rejecting you for a second, considered making up some shitty excuse to escape this room and escape you, but then he looked at your eager expression and he found himself sitting back down. Levi could get low, but even him wouldn't go this low. He couldn't go that cheap. He couldn't be that much of a fucking coward.
“Wonderful.” Hange grinned. “Tell shortie to behave please. He'd been a mess ever since you left.”
“I will.”
Then Hange was gone. Leaving the two of you with each other and a chilling silence.The first confrontation in weeks.
He didn't think this room could get any more fucking suffocating.
He glanced down where your hand touched his. Your wrist looked so slender it was as if he could break it just by wrapping his hand around it. Skin and bones, that's all you were. Fragile.
"I'm glad you came." You whispered.
Levi inhaled sharply. You could tell him to jump off an edge right then and he'd probably do it.
For a long moment, Levi said nothing, just stared at where your hand rested on his wrist. His fingers itched to pull you closer, but he held back. He holds you gently, so gently, like you were made of glass.
Like you were the most precious thing he's ever held in this lifetime and now you were slipping away.
"I don't understand." He said suddenly.
You stayed quiet. You knew what he meant.
He felt angry at you. So fucking pissed. He felt betrayed. It's like everyone knew except him. Erwin knew. Hange knew. He didn't. Then you fucking spring this on him and disappear for weeks. And that wasn’t fair. That wasn't fucking fair.
“You could've told me.”
You looked down, letting out a soft breath. “I didn’t know how.” you admitted. You never wanted to see that look on your face.
Not yet. Even now that you'd told him, you wished you didn't. You wished you had a little more time.
Levi clenched his jaw, casting his eyes to the sterile white floors.
“When?” His voice was rough.
“Always.”
So you'd been sick. From the day you'd arrived. He felt hollow. In Levi's head, he could remember you. He could remember the first he'd seen you. You were dying then and he hadn't known.
After a pause, he spoke again, his voice carefully blank and face expressionless. Silver eyes devoid of all emotions as they looked down at you.
“How long?”
You keep quiet. Not long. You don't tell him that though. After a while, you spoke. “I don't know.” You said. “Days? Weeks? Months? Who knows. I'm not getting better.” You smiled.
He doesn't know what to say to that. How to respond to that.
He doesn't know how to feel.
"You were fine." He said, almost numbly. As if affirming it would make it true.
"No " You shook your head. "No, I wasn't.”
"You were fine. Even weeks ago. You were fine.” He repeated, shaking his head. He knew it was pathetic. He knew it was hopeless. He knew he was just lying to himself because hell, if he's got to accept this shit. He pulled away his hand from you, ignoring the hurt look on your face. “You were fine. You went out on expeditions. You fought titans. You sparred with Miche. You were fucking fine.”
"I'm sorry." You whispered. But he shot a heated glare at you. That wasn't what he was asking.
“The meds stopped working." You shrugged. “It was always going to. Eventually. It's surprising that it even worked for so long.”
Finally, after minutes of agonizing silence, he let out a tired breath. “Leave it to you to find the stupidest way to die.” He muttered.
You smiled weakly. “Pretty pathetic, huh?”
So much pain. He was in so much pain, you knew.
Levi doesn't show it, he refused to show it, but fuck, you knew him so well, it hurt. He cared so much. So so much.
You'd seen him hold on to a dead comrade for months. Everyone would forget them, not Levi.
Levi can't let go.
It was his eyes that gave it away. Never had he ever looked at you that way. His eyes seared through your soul like he was searching for an answer. Searching for a way, something to hold onto you with. Like he knew. He knew you were fading away. Like he could feel the emptiness you felt with every breath. In his eyes, you saw the most subtle glimpse of despair.
The more you looked at him, the more you felt vulnerable. Something was breaking inside you at the sight of him. Every bit of desire you'd locked away was strangling your heart.
He was here, with his dark hair falling over his face and the silver gleaming through his half lidded eyes and shit, he was so beautiful. Since the day you met him. You felt so soft when he looked at you. So fragile.
You yearned. So badly. Would it be so wrong?
“Do you think I'm pretty?” You asked him.
Levi was confused, caught completely off-guard. “What?” His asked uncertainly?
“I want to know.”
“You want to know if I think you're pretty?”
“Yes.” You smiled.
“Do you always have to be so unserious?”
“Yes.”
Levi blinked. Then sighed. You and your fucking theatrics. “You’d think someone who's dying would ask smarter questions.” He muttered under his breath.
You held your gaze. You wanted him to answer.
Levi balled his hand to a fist. His fingernails digged into his hand. He knew he couldn't lie. Not when you were looking at him like that.
“...I don't know.” He exhaled softly. “Sure, I guess. You keep a neat face. I suppose you don't look that shitty.”
“Even now?’’ You looked at him pointedly.
He stared at you. You and your sunken cheeks and your fragile hands and your tired eyes. You looked ethereal.
Even now.
“Yes.”
You thought you might cry. It hurt. It hurt more because you knew he was being honest. You could tell from the way he was looking at you. He still saw you in the brightest light.
And that sums up the kind of person Levi is.
You're pretty, Levi. You want to tell him. You're so fucking pretty, did you know that?
You don't though.
But he did look so fucking pretty.
You felt sad suddenly. All those fucking years he chose to be a nonchalant bitch. He chose to act like he doesn't give a fuck. And now that you're here, to the end of your lifeline, now he was gonna look at you like that?
You can't do this.
You thought you could, but no. You overestimated your strength. You thought you could handle this. You thought you were strong enough, strong enough to be with him like this, strong enough to handle the way he was looking at you. But no. You should've never called him here.
You can't do this.
He has to go. For your sake. And for his.
“Levi.”
“What?” It was so unfair, you knew.
“Leave.”
His eyes widened. But you held your gaze.
Levi was startled at the sudden shift of mood, the abrupt turn the conversation took. He stared blankly.
“I want you to leave, Levi. And never come back.”
His mind felt empty. There was something strange in your eyes, a desperation. You were looking at him like you wanted him to understand something. Like you needed him to understand. But he didn't understand. What was happening? Why were you saying that?
“You don’t mean that.” He said flatly, after a stretched pause as he waited for an explanation. He looked as calm as ever, but you could see the confusion in his eyes.
You sighed, turning away and leaning back on your headrest. You refused to look at him.
“Did I do something wrong?” He pressed when you didn't respond.
You shook your head.
“I don't want you here anymore.”
“Why?” His voice was so blank but shit, you could just feel the strain underneath.
“I don't want you here anymore.” You repeated, closing your eyes. “I don't want you to see me like this.”
“You don't get to decide that.” He said, his voice harsh and laced, now with an anger as he started to realize where this was going.
“I can actually. I call the nurses. They kick you out.”
“You're being stupid. I can't just—” He sounded frustrated. “I can't just leave you here alone.”
You shook your head again.
“What the fuck? You're the one who brought me here. You're the one who wanted me to stay."
You did, didn't you? What were you thinking? Steadying your expression and masking the absolute heart wrenching pain you were feeling, you looked at him.
“I'm not going to let you do this.” You said calmly. “I'm gonna get worse. And then I'm gonna get worse. More and more. And you're gonna hate it. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself.”
He stared at you with disbelief.
“Let me go, Levi.” You whispered, your voice cracking. “You can't save me. Not this time.”
—
Well, you were a fucking idiot if you thought he was gonna give up just like that.
He wasn't going to leave you like that. In that soul less, lifeless, shitty ass hospital room, tied up to fucking machines and whatnot. He wasn't going to leave you there all alone. You're insane if you thought he was going to.
But he did leave you alone for the two weeks. He's known you too long. You get mad when people doesn't listen to and throw this big pissy rampage and Levi, for one, did not have the mood to deal with that and two, he suspected it would not be good for your health. Another reason is the hospital’s too fucking far from the headquarters. It took so much time or else he would've come earlier. He couldn't focus shit on his work because all he'd been thinking about were you and all he did was wait for another mail where you apologize and take back your words and ask him to come and visit again. You didn't.
He still showed up today, though.
With a bouquet of flowers in his hand. They felt heavy surprisingly. It was sappy as hell and he kept cringing internally everytime he looked at it. Fucking hell, he'd never though this day's come.
He looked up. It looked like it was going to rain today.
Then he braced himself. Knowing the stubborn shit you were, you were bound to throw out a reaction. But he hoped you'd forgotten about it. Hence, also the flowers. Hopefully, they'd be enough to calm you down. But frankly enough, he didn't give a fuck about your stupid reasons. For his own sake, he had to be there. He had to be with you.
So he stepped into the hospital, taking in a deep breath once the sterile scent kicked in.
He retraced his steps the last time he'd been here, taking the steps slowly. When he reached the floor you were on, he set off to the left corridor, trying to remember which room was yours. But he finds it soon enough, the familiar door.
He took a deep breath, the scent of hospitals making him suffocated. He felt nauseous again. He wondered how you looked now. Was he strong enough to do this?
Were you right? Maybe for his sake, he shouldn't be here. His heart pounded so hard against his chest and he couldn't breathe.
Fuck it.
He stepped in. Then halted.
Empty.
Everything was empty.
The shelves. The table. The bed. Every inch of the room sparkled like someone had just cleaned it recently, the scent of disinfectant hanging on the air. The last time he'd been here, there were those weird romance novels you used to like, piled on the table. All of them were gone. The bed was made up, white sheet spread smooth with the corners folded and the pillows fluffed. Like no one had ever laid there.
Like no one had ever been in this room.
“...you're…Captain Levi, aren't you?”
The soft voice startled him. He jolted, turning around to find a young girl looking at him curiously, reddish hair peeking through her blue nurse cap. He recognized her. He'd seen him the last time he was here, she was the one who showed Hange and him to your room. Her hazel eyes softened when he turned around.
“She's told us a lot about you.” She said, explaining.
Levi doesn't talk. He doesn't blink. He doesn't breathe. His hand gripped onto the bouquet harder.
“Has she been moved?” He asked, his voice harsh. He tried to steady it but his hands were sweaty and his heartbeat was rising. “Do you know where she's—”
But she was looking at him sadly, and Levi knew. Levi knew then.
The ground underneath swayed slightly and he found his eyes travelling to the floor. What was he doing here? Why did he come here today? He needs to leave leave leaveleaveleave—
He didn't need to hear the words from her, he already knew. He looked down to his hands, which were shaking slightly. The bouquet was almost haphazard from how tightly he'd been holding them. They felt heavier.
“She said you'd come back.” She told him, looking at him pitifully. “Come with me, please.”
Levi followed her. He didn't know why. He didn't even want to know why. But his head was empty and he could no longer form a thought. He could no longer think, only do what he's asked.
He didn't process where she's leading her, but then they're standing in front of a room. She tells him to wait and goes back in. Levi waited. He doesn't know for how long. Time meant nothing anymore.
She came out a couple seconds later, an envelope in her hand. She holds it out to him.
“She told me to give you this. She asked me to keep it. I told her she should just mail it but she insisted you'd come back.” She let out a soft sigh.
For a second, Levi doesn't do anything.
He stared at the paper in her hand blankly, unable to process it. His eyes hurt from staring, but in the back of his head, he already knew what it was. He should be curious, intrigued. Sad. Something. Anything. He shouldn't be this numb. But he couldn't show a reaction. He felt so tired. He stiffly reached out, taking the letter from her hand
He vaguely registered the elegant scroll of your writing on top of the white surface. To Levi, it said.
The girl looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to respond. To ask. To react. But when he didn't say anything, she looked almost disappointed.
“That's all, then.” She tells him, giving him a polite nod. “I'm sorry for your loss. I will be heading back now.”
Levi didn't say anything.
It's only when she's walking away, when she's getting further and further, he remembered something.
“Wait.” He called out, his voice hoarse. He has to ask. He needed to ask. He must know.
She stopped, turning back.
He let out a shaky breath. He needed to know. “Do you know when…” He inhaled, his voice was shaking, shit. He steadied it. “When did she…?”
He doesn't need to finish his sentence, she already knows. She looked at him. “Not long.” She answered kindly. “It’s been 3 days.”
3 days. You'd left the world 3 days ago.
“Did it..” He tried to find the right words to say. He remembered how you winced everytime you moved. “...was she in pain? When she passed?”
She shook her head. “No.” She said. “It was peaceful. She had a smile on her face.”
Right. Of course you fucking did.
Barely aware of his own actions, he turned to walk away. He needed to get out of here.
“Actually..” She started again, her voice hesitant, stopping Levi in his tracks. Like she wasn't sure she should say this. “The last word she said…it was your name.”
He can't breathe. “What?”
“‘Levi.’ she said.” The nurse told him with a soft look. “'Levi' was the last thing she said.”
—
Levi,
I knew you'd come back.
You stubborn fucking asshole. You were never going to listen to me in the first place.
Are you angry at me? You are, I know. You have every right to be. I know you're so mad at me right now and probably cursing me, but I couldn't let you be there. I know it's so cruel of me. But believe me, I had no choice. For my sake. For my sake, I couldn't let you be there. I couldn't let you see me die like that.
You have to understand. I was so scared, Levi. So terrified. And the more I looked at you, the more scared I felt.
I didn't want to leave you.
I don't care about rotting in a grave somewhere, Levi. I just didn't want to leave you.
You'd think after knowing from birth that you were going to die soon, you'd learn to not be afraid of it. You'd think being in the scouts, where everyday was a gamble, you'd learn to not be afraid of it. And I did. I swear I did. Death didn't scare me anymore. That's why I did so well in the scouts. You used to call me reckless, but there's no point of being scared for a life you were going to lose either way, was there?
I thought I could do this. I thought I could get over it. I thought I didn't have anything to lose.
But then I met you.
You with your stupid fucking ego and your stupid fucking attitude. You with the stupid hair and you with the stupid face. You with the prettiest eyes I've ever seen.
And it scared me so much. So much. What I felt for you. This constant yearning to be near you. I had so little time. All I ever wanted was to be with you. But I had so little time.
I'm sorry for always annoying the shit out of you. But I had so little time. I had to make the most of it. But as it turned out, it was never enough. It was never going to be enough.
The day the meds stopped working, the day I passed out on that expedition, the day the doctors told me there's nothing they could do anymore, the first thought I had was, “I can't be with Levi anymore.”
Not “I'm gonna die.”
But it was you I thought of.
It's so strange, isn't it? I've spent half a lifetime in hospitals and tied up to machines, having to take dozens of meds everyday just so my organs would keep functioning. I was so tired of it all, all I wanted was for it to end. I waited so eagerly for the day it'd all stop. But now that we're here, I'd do anything, I'd do anything to spend one last day with you. One last hour. One last minute. I'd give up anything to go out on one last expedition with you. Just to hear you call me a ‘suicidal fucking psycho’ again. Just to hear you get mad at me again. Just so you could lecture me. Just so you could smack my head and tell me what a fucking dumbass I am. Just one last time, for you to wrap my wounds with the gentlest hands.
I hope you know you changed everything.
You gave me my life back.
And I will owe it to you for eternity.
I'm rambling, aren't I? I don't know how much longer I have, at best 2-3 days. My lungs are going to shit and I've been tied to a nebulizer the whole week. I can't even hold the pen properly because my hands are shaking so bad and it hurts to even write. But I want to. I want to write. I want to tell you so much stuff, to tell you everything, to tell you anything. Shit, I wish you were here. It hurts to breathe, Levi, and I wish you were here. It always hurt so much less when you were here.
I think I'm going to stop here.
I can't fit a lifetime of unsaid things in one letter, could I?
Tell Hange I love them and tell Erwin, I said thank you. I'd write them letters as well if it didn't hurt so bad, so you're gonna have to relay it for me.
Don't be mean to Hange, okay? You know they love you. Let them take care of you. Let others take care of you. You don't have to be the strongest all the time. It's okay, I swear it is. It's okay to let go. It's okay to be selfish. You're gonna be okay, I promise.
I'm going to write one last thing. It's okay if you get mad at me for this, I deserve it. But I really needed to say this. I really wanted you to know. I'm just sorry it had to be in one shitty letter.
But I need you to forgive me, Levi. I'm sorry that I'm so much of a coward that I never said it to you when I had the time. I'm sorry that this is how I'm letting you know.
I really like you. You have no idea, do you?
You're such an asshole. But you're the most lovable asshole I've ever met.
It wasn't much of a life, but I hope you know that I've loved you with all of it.
If Hange's theory of multiple realities is true, I hope I get to meet you in every one. I hope you're my friend in every one. I hope I get to fall for you in every one.
Matbe I'll see you again. In another life, perhaps?
This time, I would do it right. This time, I wouldn't do this by a stupid letter. This time, I would say the words, true and honest, with every bit of my soul.
I love you, Levi. My heart failed to keep me alive but it never failed to love you.
With the little life I was given, I've loved you with all of it.
Till my last breath.
Sincerely.
P.s. I don't know if you found it, but I've stashed a bunch of those green tea you like in the bottom drawer. Parting gift.
—
Levi stood before a tombstone.
It was gray, like the sky. It was definitely going to rain.
He'd been standing here for a while now, in the cemetery, the letter clutched to his hand, the bouquet still on his other hand. The flowers were all wilted now, but the air still smelled like roses. The grave in front of him was fresh, it was obvious it's barely a couple days old. There was a name etched on the stone, a name he's known for so long. A name he knows so well.
Strangely, it didn't hurt. He didn't feel anything really. There was a strange vacancy in his chest, a voidness where his heart should be. He felt empty, like he lost a part of him somewhere.
He glanced at the letter again. It was wrinkled now, from how hard his fingers been clutching it. He glanced back at the last few sentences and he felt that familiar tug in his chest again.
Levi's head felt empty.
Out of all the ways he'd thought he might lose you, this wasn't one of them.
Out of all the scenarios he had ever imagined where there would come a time he had to lead a life without you being a part of it, this wasn't one of it. This was never one of them. Losing you like this was never one of them.
Being a scout meant there were no tomorrow's. You go out with the expectation of never coming back. And he knew that. Death was reality.
Yet. Wasn't that why he'd always been careful to stick around with you? Always making sure your gear was working, your straps were tightened, your swords were sharpened. Always looking for you first the moment the missions ended. Always the team he'd make Erwin pair him with. Because he thought as long as you were in his sight, as long as he was near enough to see you, you would be okay. He wouldn't let you die. All that for what if this is how it turned out?
Vaguely, he remembered his mother. Here he was again, after years. Nothing changed.
This was the one place his strength meant nothing. Nothing.
Him being humanity's strongest changed nothing.
“Fucking idiot.” He muttered quietly. “Don't even have the guts to say it to my face.”
He swallowed down the bitter taste in the back of his throat. What was he doing? Why was he talking to himself?
He felt angry. Angry at you. Angry because all you needed was to say it. To say it and he would've given up everything. He was angry at himself too. Who was he to condescend you when he was no better himself? When he never had the guts to say it as well?
At least you got to say your piece. Now he'll never get to.
“Fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair. He felt restless. It was so fucking unfair. So, so fucking unfair. He had so much to say. So much he's never told you.
He never even got to say goodbye.
He sighed. Looked down to the bouquet. Then to his own surprise, he crouched down, laying the flowers gently on the stone surface.
“I hope you like them. They're all dead and shit now but,” He swallowed, his hands shaking.“Parting gift.”
His touch lingered, softly caressing the carvings of your name, tracing the familiar letters. His fingers shook when he reached the deathdate.
Finally, finally, it started to rain. First, a couple drops caressing his face, and then the sky was grieving with him, crashing onto this world and onto him. He was drenched in a second, his hair sticking to his forehead and his clothes sticking to his skin. He stood up, broken from his daze. He stuffed the envelope down the pocket of his jeans and hoped that was enough, but it was already half wet. The one last thing you'd left him and he couldn't even keep it in piece. He was well and truly an idiot.
He spared a glance at the sky. He wondered if it was the rain that made it all seem so black and white. Or maybe you had sucked the color out of this world when you passed.
He sighed. Does it matter anymore?
But he moved anyway, standing up and turning away.
He can't stay here forever.
He has to go back. Go back to the lifeless foul walls of the headquarters and his stuffy office. He had a shit ton of paperwork he needed to get done. He had to handle his squad. He had to prepare for next week's expedition. He had so much to do. So much to do.
He wondered vaguely how he was going to tell this to Hange.
But he continued walking, hands stuffed to his pocket, grabbing onto the letter. He doesn't look back.
Leaving half his heart on the stone where you lied beneathe.
“That, for you,” he snarled. "That for my life, which you took from me. All the hours, all the days I spent upon you.”
The Farseer Trilogy left me weeping at 3AM one morning and as therapy I spent days and days creating this! So prepared for the rest of ROTE to break me further.
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