[shencomix]

This one’s from Bluechair! http://bluechair-webtoon.com

[flaugheringthecrowd]

I missed my friend. I have a crush and it feels great and terrible, but I'm enjoying feeling anything at all.

[flaugheringthecrowd]

I want all of someone's attention right now. All of it.

[wordsnquotes]

Freedom  |  @wordsnquotes

[thegoodvybe]

[thegoodvybe]

[wnq-writers]

You have loved too much and have not been loved enough.

N.M.Sanchez, from Initial Meeting (via wordsnquotes)

[thunder]

[aisdead]

[just-shower-thoughts]

People who focus on whether the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable.

[wordsnquotes]

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.

Henry Ford (via wordsnquotes)

[flaugheringthecrowd]

The owner of the restaurant has two houses and all of the employees have two jobs.

[flaugheringthecrowd]

[Insert excuse for denying social invitations], thanks for thinking of me though. :)

[flaugheringthecrowd]

Interrupted facebook drafts

Depression is a touchy subject for me, it's hard for me to admit when I'm going through it. I feel weak and useless, ineffective. I check the clock all the time, I lack patience, the will to understand, focus on a bigger picture, and experience an ominous sense that I won't enjoy whatever it is I want to do. I get caught in inaction and a sense that nothing will ever change. I forget that food plays an important role in my mindset and binge on ice cream, and cookies, candy and cakes, which pushes me even deeper into an unhealthy cycle for both my mind and my body. Last year around this time I decided to focus on being productive, but I had no idea what that meant and still have no idea what that really means in a broad sense, but in a personal way I took major steps through what felt like thigh high mud. My mind is nowhere near as tuned as it could be, but I am experiencing a slight sense of accomplishment. I got my root canal, I finished my associates degree, I bought a car with Alex and learned to drive officially. I got a new job, got accepted to Evergreen State College with a small stipend for previous academic achievement, I bought myself a drum kit that brings a whole new set of emotions with it, I began to read again and experience curiosity again, my favorite pastime, got my mom to visit last summer, took a trip to California, and am still experiencing a feeling of what am I doing? Am I a bad person?

[flaugheringthecrowd]

Attempt at Orientation Essay for Evergreen # 5, 000

People are struggling right now. There are people dying right now. I wanted to be a documentarian, but I am not comfortable with inaction in the face of struggle, then I feel I am no longer human. Besides what could I be taking from a scene that I could not just assist? Where ever I go I will be a drain, and its important to give a functional faucet in return. I fear I am most like Norman Parfit, with an intense will to achieve and assist but none of the personal resources to. On the flip side, waiting for my situation to change to do something has never been productive.

[flaugheringthecrowd]

If I look up for too long I get the spins.

[flaugheringthecrowd]

Paranoia Dump

My day had started at 5 am, in the rain. I took the E Line downtown to my first job. Now, leaving my second job at 4 am. I could feel dawn was coming, the night was losing its silence and my head kept tilting back and my vision blurring the street lamps together against my boss car window. I keep forgetting he doesn't know where I stay. Sometimes I nap on the Harbor steps between shifts, sometimes I wander from Fremont to U-District. I never became homeless, I just have other places that I wanted to be all the time. I had my coke head best friend beat on energy, the one who molested my sister the night before I covered his shift so he could spend Christmas with his family.

I don’t want to lie. I am nothing special. I just want to feel like I’m doing something right and useful and I want to know what that is. Some times I walk and see people on the street and pass by them and let them pass by me. I love it when they pass me. Time doesn’t stop, they don’t know me, I can blend into the sidewalks and walls of sky scrapers. I don’t even have to put on a face like I know what I’m doing.

I have no idea. I can’t relax, I’m falling behind in inaction. I can’t see past this week. It seems none of my abilities will ever improve, and I have experienced a decrease in hope. This is nothing to be worried over except for by me to quit worrying over it, and the mind is a powerful thing. Bite the bullet, but the bullet is elusive. Organization will help me, but my memory is bad, but I need just one list, one list that I add on to as opposed to many tiny lists.

Ella told me I work like I’m on Adderall. I am flattered even if that was not the intention and I dislike Adderall and cocaine and I wish I liked myself more. I can wish forever and nothing will be done without finding that damn bullet.

I want to be alone all the time, but then feel lonely and goal less, but it must be done. There must be time to consider. I don’t know if I’m learning anything right now and I don’t know what to do if there’s nothing I’m learning. My mom wanted all four of us to be smart. She tried to finish her college degree. I hope the reason she decided not to was because she didn’t want to and not because she couldn’t. She can do anything, but I worry about her after she broke her shoulder, and before and always.

I think I’m paranoid but that could just be me being paranoid, and an ominous feeling follows me if I don’t worry, like my thoughts can control bad things from happening. 

Its nice to see how little I matter to the world. Together a lot can be done, but individually I have a very small impact, mostly related to covering my shifts at work, not where I really want to leave an impact. I’m still unsure if I like the people there, though I do enjoy their company for the most part.