The Flea Chronicles

something of a he/him here's where I post about my flea thoughts and ideas thanks for your time and attention!

[fleaworld2]

fuck chat GPT. it told me I'm gay. I see now why ai is evil. I'm sorry god for turning from you

unrelateed but I'm reading Crush by Richard siken right now and feeling an elaborate wave of grief

[fleaworld2]

I'm foolish as fuck so I convince myself I can survive isolation better then the normal lad because I've experienced chronic depression and emotional neglect since early childhood so I gots experience yanno, but then I catch myself constantly getting into arguments with people who are not here anymore and realize if anyone was in the room they would be terrified at how in my own head I can get. I think its a way for my brain to get some social/emotional stimulation. I feed it nothing new so it just regurgitates the same things over and over. I just don't know what else to think about except everything bad that has ever happened to me.

[fleaworld2]

sorry haven't been posting. do not believe I am funny or have anything important to say. have you ever had so much misery in your body you freeze yourself to the carpet in the fetal position? I get this stare where I just look into nothing and allow for the vast hopelessness to pour down me. I'm frozen and gaunt and I'm sad for all I'm not enjoying, that I do not want to enjoy.

Probably gonna cave and request an SSRI at the doc appt tomorrow. But last time I did that I got so blank I began longing for my stormy moods like an ex lover I have unfinished business with.

The true problem is I'm alone after terrible things have devoured me, like they always do, but this time it all became so clear; not only was it not meant to be, but it was designed to happen this way. It was never love, none of it. It was just control. I let her in. I let it happen, let her ruin me. Over and over. I'm in such a state of starvation that in my state of hunger and exaustion and delirium, I hallucinate it where it's absent.

I just want to be myself again. Who I might've been had I not met her, had I not let her get to me.

[fleaworld2]

i would be cool as a character. sucks I have to be real life.

[fleaworld2]

if I sadpost that's not me that the actual devil guys

[fleaworld2]

sometimes i start to form an opinion about something and then i remember i don’t know shit about anything and i then i shut up. this is legitimately why i feel i can’t post online anymore djdjdhdgshwfwfdh

[fleaworld2]

need2.,,, micro dose pleasent activi ty. ,,,::;;

[fleaworld2]

love how this gc with my friend and my gf is still called “fuck did we make a polycule” bc the answer was discovered long ago and it was “absolutely tf not.”

[fleaworld2]

i think it's soooo cute when well meaning cis boys assume every trans guy yearns to be him specifically. Like yea, of course I want your biology dumbass, but more than anything i'd like to surpass you in height, strength, speed, and agility. inside my head is the same never ending dick-measuring piss competition that's happening in yours. our insecurities are playing ping pong. can I dominate you or what.

[fleaworld2]

sure my ex had a lot of red flags but the funniest one has got to be the time she dreamt of me pregnant giving birth to fleas. not a whole bunch even, just like.... 2. wtf. why would you dream that. stop.

[fleaworld2]

Psychology is Wack. I'm moving onto philosophy bitches. My therapist is gonna hate my ass even more somehow.

[fleaworld2]

am I autistic or just Terrible. hm.

[fleaworld2]

really pissed off about being depressed because I'm on testosterone and that's great and I can't comprehend the fact that having the correct hormones in you doesn't automatically make everything rainbows and kittens. i feel like i should be jumping for joy every single second because I wanted this so bad. instead im now focused on misery in the other areas of my life. lol. welp.

[neverbelongedtoangels]

he's my number 1 boy!!

[gaymunsonn]

this might possibly be one of the best comments i've ever seen

[fleaworld2]

happy new years eve. Real talk, I don't know how I keep making it to the next year. I feel like a cockroach in that way.

It's been a rough year, going through puberty (again), cutting off a partner of 6 years, freeing myself by allowing some more of the bounds I had put in place to fall away. And I still have so much work to do. I have a long, scary road ahead of me.

But tonight I am going to see a girl. And I am going to do her makeup and doll her the fuck up and party and get super high and maybe a little tipsy. Tonight I am going to see my friends and they are going to see me, and I'm going to see a pretty girl discover herself, the warm glow of alcohol in her cheeks, an effortless smile in her glistening eyes. And I'm going to see my brother (in Christ) and we're gonna get rowdy and rambunctious and try to outdrink each other. And when the clock strikes twelve, we're all going to take care of each other. When 2025 arrives, my lips will be on god and my hand holding on to everyone and everything around me for as long as I have it.

I used to dream of nights like these. It's so strange experiencing all of it. It feels holy. It feels indescribable.

[sososososososomething]

gender euphoria

i've been feeling happy about myself lately & catch myself thinking this really often. i wanna share that with the world.