sorry haven't been posting. do not believe I am funny or have anything important to say. have you ever had so much misery in your body you freeze yourself to the carpet in the fetal position? I get this stare where I just look into nothing and allow for the vast hopelessness to pour down me. I'm frozen and gaunt and I'm sad for all I'm not enjoying, that I do not want to enjoy.
Probably gonna cave and request an SSRI at the doc appt tomorrow. But last time I did that I got so blank I began longing for my stormy moods like an ex lover I have unfinished business with.
The true problem is I'm alone after terrible things have devoured me, like they always do, but this time it all became so clear; not only was it not meant to be, but it was designed to happen this way. It was never love, none of it. It was just control. I let her in. I let it happen, let her ruin me. Over and over. I'm in such a state of starvation that in my state of hunger and exaustion and delirium, I hallucinate it where it's absent.
I just want to be myself again. Who I might've been had I not met her, had I not let her get to me.