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The Men That Don't Fit In There's a race of men that don't fit in, A race that can't stay still; So they break the hearts of kith and kin, And they roam the world at will. They range the field and they rove the flood, And they climb the mountain's crest; Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood, And they don't know how to rest. If they just went straight they might go far; They are strong and brave and true; But they're always tired of the things that are, And they want the strange and new. They say: "Could I find my proper groove, What a deep mark I would make!" So they chop and change, and each fresh move Is only a fresh mistake. And each forgets, as he strips and runs With a brilliant, fitful pace, It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones Who win in the lifelong race. And each forgets that his youth has fled, Forgets that his prime is past, Till he stands one day, with a hope that's dead, In the glare of the truth at last. He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance; He has just done things by half. Life's been a jolly good joke on him, And now is the time to laugh. Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost; He was never meant to win; He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in the bone; He's a man who won't fit in.

ROBERT W. SERVICE

2018 in Review

In January I closed down pandaroster. It had processed over $120K over its lifespan, but it was time to face the facts that I wasn’t traveling enough or selling enough to make it work. I had now been working for Capital One for 4 months. Crystal and James started working on a business plan for a new cafe idea and I was trying to help advise on the side. in February I had a trip planned to Vancouver with some friends to go to whistler and snowboard, but my passport had expired and I ended up buying last-minute passes to Colorado and skiing at Winter Park instead for Crystal and myself. I found out that I quite enjoyed driving the Jeep Renegade as well as the dairy block in Denver. We had a Fairfax Ultimate meeting for spring planning at Cocoa Vienna before we started having meetings at the Vienna Library. in March I decided to sell the house I was in. I was tired of the HOA fees and I learned a valuable lesson in real estate about location. The lindenbrook property was the shortest house sitting in the middle valley between the row of units and the soil was always damp year-round. in April I settled on a house in Vienna. We moved in and drafted the Dominaria Magic set before we even unboxed half the boxes. It is nice living just 5-10 minutes from work. in May The Virginia States that Alexis had worked so hard for planning between Morven Park and Manassas got cancelled. States was held on turf fields in Arlington. I drove down to Richmond to see my friend Alex before he moved to Texas and we played with Eddie the Corgi. I get badly injured at pickup May 26th, and to do this day, I still cannot run or walk the same. in June I had my passport renewed and Crystal and I spent a week in Belize with my extended family from my Mom’s side. Vi, the youngest cousin had just graduated high school. Everyone was able to make it except Vi’s mother who chose to stay in the States and my sister who couldn’t make it from Vietnam. They were smart. The trip turned out to be mostly uneventful. We went snorkeling once with some questionable tour guides, but on my last day, I managed to catch some crabs via the ol’ chicken and string technique out of my boredom. During our trip a volcano erupted in nearby Guatemala, but we were safe and none the wiser until we actually got back into the States. In July we celebrated Crystal’s birthday at Pazzo Pomodaro and fixed up an old Panasonic bike from when the Japanese steel factory still manufactured their own brand of bicycles. Around this time, I got more serious about Wishpanda, a new service for streamers to receive gifts securely and from any shopping platform. We opened a landing page and started accepting alpha testers to sign up. I unwisely choose to wrap my ankle up and play at Wildwood. I do pretty well on pain killers and score some points. In August, I bought a used car. I left the old Honda Accord at my parents place at my Dad’s insistence and got a 2012 Subaru with 30K miles on it. Wishpanda applies to Startup School offered by YCombinator. I rent a house on the Potomac River and between 10 friends we catch 76 blue crabs! Towards the end of the month Fairfax Ultimate Fall Draft League drafts inside of DeClieu Coffee in Fairfax Virginia with all captains present. in September, YCombinator mistakenly accepts everyone into their program and we get offered a spot. Every Sunday we are expected provide updates on how we are doing. We meet some other aspiring folks on the east coast building their own companies and we try to keep up. I also fly out to Mountain View for an onsite third-round interview with Google. I get rejected. At least I got to hang out with Peter. In October, It is very development heavy and I am working late on wishpanda. We get a video call from Jared Friedman from YCominbator asking about our W19 application. We get an interview from YC set in November. Fairfax Ultimate cancels the Halloween Hauntfest and under Leo’s leadership the Fairfax Fusion is born showcasing the best talent in Fairfax County for ultimate. One of our high school students wins an award of athletic character recognition for ultimate frisbee. In November, We fly out to Mountain View for our interview. Our demo isn’t done, our prototype isn’t working how we want. We don’t get it. We spend the weekend exploring the city and I get to see Peter again and introduce him to the Panda crew. I spend Thanksgiving with my Family and I see and talk to my sister for the first time in about 18 months. in December, I officially resign as President of Fairfax Ultimate and hopefully set the precedent of President at four years. There is still a lot of development to be done with wishpanda, but we launch a week before Christmas on wishpanda.com and open to the public.

#2018 review

2015 Summary

This year was a very wild ride for me! January, I finished Hack Reactor and moved out of the Tenderloins of San Francisco. February, I filed PandaRoster Inc as a Delaware Corporation. Fairfax Ultimate held a women’s collegiate tournament through USA Ultimate. March, I played in the first ever USA Beach Championships for Ultimate. Fairfax Ultimate had its first official High School league ever. April, my cofounder and I applied to YCombinator’s summer program and had a phone screen with 500Startups May, we returned outside investment after deciding to keep more of the equity to ourselves. We got rejected by YC and 500startups. June, I moved back to Northern Virginia for Fairfax Ultimate and interviewed at Nutritionix. FairfaxUltimate moved all files over to PandaRoster for the summer league. July, I started work at Nutritionix and didn’t step on a nail at Wildwood! August, PandaRoster got its second client, and launched StaffburgUltimate.com. September, I started looking for a home. October, I launched Nutritionix’s new website. PandaRoster processed a total of $30,000. November, friends from Fairfax Ultimate created a mixed-club team and we traveled to a couple tournaments. December, I started working with React / Ionic to create a mobile App. I purchased a home. There were probably a bunch of other things, but I’m excited for 2016. Resolutions to follow soon.

Society's biggest flaw is that when we stare at black and white lines long enough, the edges blur gray and we lose sight of what we were looking at.

1 year.

It’s been one year since I left for San Francisco and locked myself away for 8 months. Friends are important! I’m very glad I had the few friends that kept me sane while I was there.

Declaration of War

This is my declaration of war against sadness, the empty pit of depression, what follows after manic bouts of delirium, and self-inflicted pain. Let no human behind. I will crush self-doubt in my path and save those running from their demons. A fictional anarchist once said,

“Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives.”

World War II was supposed be the war to end all wars, but we’ve been complacent! Humanity needs a hero to rise to all these conflicts, the elusive “good” Übermensch, a protagonist named Kamina, or someone to inspire us all. If religious wars are fought over Gods, then someone simply must become a godly new inspiration for us to follow. Are you her? So inspire me. Let me inspire you. Let’s work towards a future where the only work left to do is create art. And like Truman said,

“We shall completely destroy the Pathos’ ability to delude our self-worth”

And for those of you who are on the brink of self-sacrifice, I selfishly urge you to read David Foster Wallace, because he once was a goldfish like us. But we could use you as a scout on the front-lines. You are in the best position to find or become the godly new inspiration. If you admit defeat and give up on yourself, then dedicate your life to humanity, and expect nothing in return, because you’ve already died, but you will have helped make a better tomorrow. Wear the mask of savior, and after awhile, sometimes, it just fits.

We’ve lost good friends and people who could’ve been good friends to a formidable force, but we will carry on with an even stronger resolve.

If you are lonely, fear not, for we are with you. Sincerely, Doug

#Depression #Declaration of War

I’m too tired to eat, five hours of sleep, Broken homeless saxophones walk me home, I’m too tired to eat, shuffling my feet, Pretend to smile for a girl dressed in red, I’m too tired to eat, rum and coke instead.

It takes more than intelligence to succeed professionally,” people say, as if charisma resided in the kidneys, rather than the brain. “Intelligence is no match for a gun,” they say, as if guns had grown on trees. “Where will an Artificial Intelligence get money?” they ask, as if the first Homo sapiens had found dollar bills fluttering down from the sky, and used them at convenience stores already in the forest. The human species was not born into a market economy. Bees won’t sell you honey if you offer them an electronic funds transfer. The human species imagined money into existence, and it exists – for us, not mice or wasps – because we go on believing in it.

Eliezer Yudkowsky

#Intelligence #Eliezer Yudkowsky

Breaking Dreams

I’m beginning to understand why people start families. And I don’t like it. I don’t want to know. Don’t you dare tell me what to do. Dream on the same frequency as me, and we’ll explore secret societies. The others will sing songs about you and me, and our friends will tell us about them, because we’ll be too busy running from the fiends after us. I wanted an empire once. I think I still do. There’s just not enough time in the day. I can’t afford that baggage.

Haven’t you ever heard “Digital Love”? Why won’t you play the game? Stop wasting time on futile things. There is a future here for us that’s attainable. My current playlist is Twenty One Pilots, Lana Del Ray, Gorillaz, and Stars. And we could inspire John Lennon’s imagination together. We could have better sex than Matt and Kim. We could be naked and famous. Don’t you want that? I do.

Living Again

What an absolute relief it is to have money again. I had a small taste of destitution and worthlessness and the decay of hope, but I’ve been back in Virginia and working for about 6 weeks now, and new options are growing. Before heading out to San Francisco, I wanted my own country. I thought the Iron Throne was there for anyone with enough resolve to grab. And coming back now, it has only reaffirmed my beliefs that we can control our destinies, but even I lack ambition and determination. I couldn’t suffer for more than 6 months. But still... “Less effort, more talent”. I need to learn more skills. I understand now that there are hundreds of thousands of other players who understand how to play the game too, and once you see how to play, there is something that gnaws at your soul to play again. I am the Khaleesi without her dragons, I am the bastard with King’s blood, I am a baby beluga who needs to hold more Ultimate practices. Be sure to always remember to think. To make things. To create. But most importantly... stay alive. If anyone else is suffering, I recommend twenty one pilots. They have been the best medicine yet.

And now I’m back.

Well, some adventures end up in disappointment. In 1562, the French set up Ft. Caroline in the Americas, and a year later that fort got crushed by the Spanish. But hey, my situation isn’t as bad, because when Ribault surrendered his men, they all got executed. I’m back in Virginia, and I’m taking a new job. I won’t be setting out for a new world order or working towards singularity or human androgyny, but I will be helping sell food data. Making apps and services pertaining to caloric and nutrition data and food ingredients that we eat and consume. As for Pandaroster, I will keep it as a side project until I can find more time to work on it. Fairfax Ultimate needs all the time and attention while I’m back. Maybe it is time I get a puppy. I always wanted one.

Evil

I knew at a young age that some things could be inherently evil and that some prejudices are not learned. It was the day I saw my first spider and the day I saw some octopus stinkhorn in my backyard. That’s the root of evil right there.

#arachnophobia

Young Blood

They complain that the youth is apathetic in their system. They say we are lazy. That we are spoiled. That we have it made.

That is not the case at all. I see the greatest generation of mankind before me and the problem is this: We are simply uninspired.

You expect us to get excited over this?

Over a system that churns out citizens to work 40 year jobs with 2-week vacations in a second-rate industry? You expect us to follow rules and regulations and taxes paid out to a system we will never benefit from? You tell us “we are the best in the world”, and expect that is enough?

The best in the world will never be enough and the pursuit of happiness has been bottlenecked.

The smartest people I know who could’ve advanced the medical field aren’t in it because the regulations are too restrictive. 10 years of school before they get a chance to practice? Fear is a powerful motivator, but 10 years is an even more powerful inhibitor that will prevent the most ambitious of us from ever advancing science.

No, what we need is some progressive change and we are just about to try anything to see just to see what works.

You had your chance to build a future for yourselves. Instead, what you have built is a failing future for us.

And what we all want is a path to start over and build it ourselves. That is something to get excited about! A chance to build without your rules in the way.

To hell with your 4-year institutions and your certificates, we will donate to our friend Wikipedia and Khan Academy and learn it ourselves in 6 months.

To hell with your insurance plans and medical pyramid schemes! Every medical operation is cheaper overseas. Fuck those imaginary boundaries on globes and maps.

We are tired of your wars, of political gridlock, and your fear-mongering attitudes towards security.

There are values we have that you do not. Let us teach you how to live.

We are the young blooded.

Regrets.

Wimping out on a snowboard jump and not even attempting to kiss the pretty girl after a date are probably what I'm going to see on my deathbed. I've lived a good life.

Some day soon, perhaps in forty years, there will be no one alive who has ever known me. That's when I will be truly dead - when I exist in no one's memory. I thought a lot about how someone very old is the last living individual to have known some person or cluster of people. When that person dies, the whole cluster dies,too, vanishes from the living memory. I wonder who that person will be for me. Whose death will make me truly dead?

Irvin D. Yalom, Love's Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy

#Death #irvin yalom

Bad Habits

I do this thing where I write out long pieces of text over facebook messenger or texts... and then I won’t ever send them. It’s absolutely the worst when it is to a girl.

Outclassed

I've met a girl who has seen more Anime, knows more mecha, knows Japanese, and makes jewelry out of metals. I was late for lunch. #fail.

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