Why am I still alive?

Independent RP Blog Rei Ayanami AU from Neon Genesis Evangelion

[flowerofseraph]

Rei!

Happiness.

Brother is here. Brother is at home now.

Giving a nod, Rei stays there quiet as she feels how the usual warmth envelops her quietly. Now that Brother is here, everything is alright. Him and Ikari-kun are the only ones who can make her feel this way. That is how things are. Brother. A soft, gentle and tiny smile appears on the lips of the First Child. Red eyes full of gentleness as she looks at Kaworu.

"Brother."

[treeofseraph]

"Let’s go and eat outside! I’ll make you a salad, Rei!"

[flowerofseraph]

"But... Brother, Captain Katsuragi called today. She said something about a dinner reunion."

[flowerofseraph]

Rei!

Happiness.

Brother is here. Brother is at home now.

Giving a nod, Rei stays there quiet as she feels how the usual warmth envelops her quietly. Now that Brother is here, everything is alright. Him and Ikari-kun are the only ones who can make her feel this way. That is how things are. Brother. A soft, gentle and tiny smile appears on the lips of the First Child. Red eyes full of gentleness as she looks at Kaworu.

"Brother."

[flowerofseraph]

Blueberry, please, I didn't mean for things to go this badly...I'm sorry!

"Ikari-kun…"

She says the word softly, like in a whisper but there is nothing more said after the name said. She shakes her head, she does not understand why Ikari-kun would say those things about her and her alternates and from what the other her told her, this is not the first time.

This Ikari-kun is… unusual, complicated.

"I am not sure… if I should forgive you or not."

[reshinji-deactivated20141130]

Shinji nods once.

"You’re welcome.  Now…what can I do to make up for hurting you?"

[flowerofseraph]

Rei stays quiet, pensive as she thinks of the question.

Then, she thinks of a taller, pale and elegant body frame wearing a skirt. Brother. Yes, Kaworu loves wearing that. Should she ask Ikari-kun to wear a dress? She thinks that it would suit him since Ikari-kun is a warm presence.

"Ikari-kun... can you wear a dress for me?"

[the-glass-boy-deactivated201411]

@flowerofseraph

[the-glass-boy-deactivated201411]

Shinji was preoccupied with how uncomfortable he was until Rei spoke up. He looked up, into her eyes, and rethought things. Rei was the one he should be thinking of, not himself. She was the one who was struggling with her identity. His own discomfort paled in comparison. 

"Nagisa…Rei…you are whoever you want to be"

[flowerofseraph]

Rei only continued looking into her cup as a sad, quiet gaze came to her eyes. She does not know how to feel, how to be, and this has never happened before. Before meeting others from different realities, she would only need Brother and the Ikari-kun from her world. Now, she is not sure anymore.

"Ikari-kun... thank you."

For listening to her, and to be there for her. This Ikari-kun is truly special.

[unalike]

[lexcroucher]

graduation 

[its-charlie-bradbury]

finals

[blaackbiird]

life

[extorchic]

Peruvian waterfalls

[fifthchildkawoshin]

カヲシンツイッターログ・通販のお知らせ by ろあ＠ＳＣＣ5/3 T34a

[fifthchildkawoshin]

カヲシンツイッターログ・通販のお知らせ by ろあ＠ＳＣＣ5/3 T34a

[akutokt-archive-deactivated2014]

She’s too cute for her own good. Rei’s smiles are almost like a literal ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. Great if you live in constant rain. KT fights the urge to smile himself.

"I wouldn’t say it’s brave," he replies. "It’s just a part of life. Some people handle it better than others, but you wouldn’t call them cowardly, would you?"

[flowerofseraph]

The question makes her turn silent but in a thoughtful way. Red eyes turning a bit blank but there is still warmth.

"I do not know."

The response is said with entire honesty. The smile is gone by now but it is because she is thinking about the matter of her own identity. Perhaps her Brother would know, perhaps he wouldn't know. Others seem to be interested in her timeline, and some call it... an 'anomaly'. They even said she is related to Ikari-kun.

Everything is... bizarre, complicated.

"I wish I could handle with everything like you... but I am unsure of what to do. I wish I knew... but... I am still wondering."

[akutokt-archive-deactivated2014]

"I... thought you were very brave."

"What makes you say that, Si- Rei?"

[akutokt-archive-deactivated2014]

Unfair. He wants to know, dammit, but bringing it back up wouldn’t make Rei smile like she just did. He sighs. “I suppose. You can call me whatever you’d like, just… just don’t call me Kaworu.”

[flowerofseraph]

"Alright."

She nods and the smile turns a bit wider, which not many ones can see in Rei's face. She doesn't smile so often unless she is around the people that make her feel at peace. Right now, she is quiet but calm, happiness coming.

"I am not sure... but I have the feel of you dealing with pressure... I... wouldn't know what to do with that... so I believe the term 'brave' is appliable. If not, correct me."

[the-glass-boy-deactivated201411]

@flowerofseraph

[the-glass-boy-deactivated201411]

Silence is met with silence. Shinji stares down at the table as he tries to reflect on the little thought in his mind. Things were slightly…uncomfortable.

Shinji decided to speak up. It was the right thing to do.

"If you don’t like it, then I won’t call you Ayanami anymore. I-it’s okay not to know, but I don’t want to do something that you don’t like. That’s…that’s just not nice"

[flowerofseraph]

Not talking to Shinji, Rei takes a sip of her tea and then returns to her previous gesture of looking at the reflection she sees of herself in the cup.

"Nagisa... Rei... Ayanami... Rei... who am I, Ikari-kun?"

Raising her head slightly to look at Ikari-kun, Rei blinks. Another word. She wishes she could understood more about the concepts others use. Asking Brother should help but Kaworu is ocuppied with work.

"'Who am I?"

[akutokt-archive-deactivated2014]

"I... thought you were very brave."

"What makes you say that, Si- Rei?"

[akutokt-archive-deactivated2014]

"Er, yeah. If you’ll let me call you Sis." But he’s still curious. That’s the second time he’s heard that today.

[flowerofseraph]

"Hmn. Should I call you 'Brother'?"

Quietly, Rei gives a small, tiny smile. She feels warm inside every time she meets an alternate of her Brother. She knows that each one is different but she still wants to form bonds with them.

[the-glass-boy-deactivated201411]

@flowerofseraph

[the-glass-boy-deactivated201411]

Shinji listens to her lullaby of an answer. What is she thinking? Rei is always so difficult to figure out. Has she changed her mind? Was it not okay all along? Shinji’s mind is whirling.

"If you don’t like something, then I won’t do it. What would you like me to call you?"

[flowerofseraph]

Staring at the reflection in her cup of tea, Rei merely stares at it with her typical blank red eyes. Who is she? Is she Ayanami Rei? Or is she Nagisa Rei? Telling Brother would be alright... or it won't? Who is she? Questions and more questions, and yet no answers. No one can give her answers.

"I... am not angry at you, Ikari-kun."

Still staring at the tea, the First Child hinks of pale and bony fingers passing through her hair and a gentle chuckle. Brother. She wishes Brother was here with her, he would make everything go away and make her warm inside. But there is only Ikari-kun, no one else. Not making other gesture, she talks.

"I don't know..."

[the-glass-boy-deactivated201411]

@flowerofseraph

[the-glass-boy-deactivated201411]

Shinji scrunches his eyebrows, presses his lips tightly together. It isn’t until Rei speaks that his line of thought is broken and he looks up, startled and vulnerable. If he was holding the cup above the table, he might have dropped it. He can feel her red eyes on him and it made him nervous, antsy, anxious, and tired.

"B-but you said…you said I should call you Ayanami"

[flowerofseraph]

"Yes... I did."

Rei nods but her eyes look like she has been thinking quietly about this. Then, the voice comes like a soft and vulnerable whisper as if she has been holding back all the events from the past weeks. Telling Brother... should she do that? She does not know how to tell him about everyone calling her by a different name.

Ayanami. She is not Ayanami Rei. She is Rei. Nagisa Rei. First Child.

"But... now every Ikari-kun that meets me calls me that way... and I do not like it... I even told them... but they... do not..."

[the-glass-boy-deactivated201411]

@flowerofseraph

Shinji and Ayanami sat comfortably at the table, sipping fresh hot tea she had just prepared. He had to remind himself to blow on the beverage so he wouldn’t burn his lips. On top of that, he had much on his mind, so he wasn’t exactly focusing on the tea. 

"It’s very good, Ayanami" he murmured.

[flowerofseraph]

"Ikari-kun..."

The tone of her voice is almost as a whisper but the slighest of frowns is in the corner of the eyes of the First Child. Like a contradiction because she feels warm inside at how Ikari-kun has said that the tea she has made tastes... good. She thinks of Brother's way of making tea and she feels content.

Drinking the tea of her cup, Rei opens her mouth again.

"I remind you to not call me by that name."

[akutokt-archive-deactivated2014]

"I... thought you were very brave."

"What makes you say that, Si- Rei?"

[flowerofseraph]

"Sis?"

She likes hearing that, it makes her content and warm inside. And in this moment, she pushes away her thoughts of what she said before.

[fullonanime]

x

[ashetray]

Rei