It was May 30th.
It started off okay but slowly as the day went on, my emotions were getting the best of me. I was still heartbroken. I turned to alcohol again to ease my pain. The night started off at my favorite bar with multiple shots and some karaoke with my best friends. By the end of karaoke, I was drunk enough to barely walk myself out of the bar. I was with people that I trusted and they knew I was in pain. I knew they would be there for me. I hoped they would be..
I wanted to go home after but I still lived in the same house as my ex at the time. They told me it would be a bad idea to go home. My friends asked me to stay with them. I knew they were trying to help but I just wanted to be home. I didn't want to drink anymore. I didn't want to stay awake. I didn't want to exist for the rest of that night. I was far from okay and I was far from sober. They put me in the back seat and finally agreed to take me home but they stayed outside taking for a while. I wanted to sleep and forget about everything. The drive home seemed long to me but I was in and out laying in the back seat. I remember asking if we were almost there and my friend saying yes. When the car stopped and I sat up, I realized we were at my friends house instead. They didn't take me home. I was upset but she said it was better for me and she would take me home in the morning. I had no other way home so I stayed. We all went inside and two guys who were also friends of ours showed up to the house too. They pulled out more alcohol and some games and told me to have fun and not think about anything else. So I kept drinking. I played the games. I tried to have fun. It worked for a little while..
I remember 2 of my friends walking me down the hallway to the bedroom laughing. I remember being in the bedroom being shown a strap on and other adult toys. I remember them asking if I wanted to try it out. I remember saying I didn't want to. I remember being on the ground with a towel under me with one friend's hands on my shoulders trying to kiss me and the other in between my legs pushing herself inside me with the strap on. I remember panicking in my head and not wanting to be there but I couldn't move. I remember a knock on the door and them getting up and telling me to go in the bathroom. I remember one of my other friends coming in and asking me why I'm crying and trying to get dressed and all I could say was "things were happening that I didn't want to happen". I remember her taking me out of the room back down the hallway and passing my "friends" laughing and taking shots in the kitchen because of what just happened. I remember her taking me outside and giving me a shot to calm me down then going in for my stuff and taking me to her house. I remember her feeding me and giving me clean clothes to wear and letting me sleep.. I don't remember anything else other than those moments and I'll never be able to forget them.
My friend had shown up earlier in the night and had an uneasy feeling about leaving me there so drunk but she knew I was with my best friends and that I'd be okay. She said she later had a bad feeling and when she tried to call and I didn't answer, she came back to check on me. Her knocking on the bedroom door and coming in to get me saved me from what was happening. I don't know what else would have happened if she didn't show up for me. She didn't ask me questions or make me talk about anything she just took me home with her and took care of me. She let me stay until I was ready to go home. It took me a few days after that to go to my actual best friend and tell her what happened. She was furious and she was crying with me while I told her everything. She's the one who made me feel less afraid about talking about what happened to me. She got me to say it out loud...
On May 31st, I was raped by 2 of my best friends while my best friend of 13 years was in the other room. They all knew I had been raped before. They knew I didn't trust people very easily. They knew I tried to keep myself safe by being with people I trusted. They took advantage of me. They took me to a place I didn't want to be and they did things to me I didn't want. The hardest thing I've had to do is admit to people that I was raped by 2 girls who are both smaller than me because I was so drunk I couldn't move. The worst part was when people didn't believe me.. When I had to watch my 13 year friendship end because she chose to get mad at me for not telling her what happened but then later admitting that she knew before I even came out of the room. She called me a bad friend for not telling her how I felt and I cried to her about how I was afraid she wouldn't believe me over our other friend. She cried with me and told me she didn't know how I felt and that she was sorry. The next day she was with the other friend posting pictures about how she was her best friend and always would be. She chose her side over mine. She then tried to force me to talk to her and forgive her for what happened so we could all be friends again. That was the last day I called her my friend. They both went to our mutual friends and slandered me. They blamed me for our friendships ending and told everyone they didn't do anything to me. They claimed to be victims. They told people I was making it up after they had already admitted everything to my actual best friend. They went out of their way to make things worse for me. I finally just closed myself off from everyone because I had to. I felt so alone even though I wasn't. I didn't know how to be around anyone for a while. I didn't know how to trust anyone. I didn't know how ro be okay and I still don't know if I can be. I got up one day and decided not to let them win. I'm bettering myself every day and trying as hard as I can to move past everything. Not a day goes by though where I'm not reminded in someway about what happened. It's always there. It will be forever..
