Coeur ou Mort

I live because I cannot die.

[flowerworksonearth]

I write here

So I could rid myself of my feelings

For you

Every night

I cry into my pillow

Praying to any and every God

Hoping and hoping

And wanting and wanting

You to be a better man

It was never that everything was a mistake

It was that you kept violating baselines

I told you to not turn your back on me

Don’t abandon me

In silent conversations

In avoided gazes

But you did

[flowerworksonearth]

In one night

You abandoned me three times

From the first time

It was fixable

From the second time

It was shaking

From the third time

I couldn’t come back to you

[flowerworksonearth]

Your cheerleader

Your fan

Your home

I was always in your corner

Just because we disagree

Or have differences

I was always on our team

On our side

But with you

I always felt on the outside

Looking in

Your heart doesn’t have a home

I hoped

I prayed

That it would be me

[flowerworksonearth]

I can’t sleep

Until I’ve cried my eyes out

Until they’re dried out

Until they’re swollen

You see me

Like I’m okay

I’m fighting

With you

To have more of you

I’m fighting

Without you

Because I don’t have you

[flowerworksonearth]

Was it easy

Letting go

Walking away

Saying goodbye

For me

It was and is pain

It was and is torture

It was and is suffering

[flowerworksonearth]

You have never asked me

Wanted from me

Demanded of me

To some that appears as understanding

As accepting

As caring

Not knowing it is also

Neglect

Isolation

Abandonment

And so I became the villain

With you

As I was with everyone

All because I wanted you to want me

[flowerworksonearth]

I love you

Of course I do

What is patience

What is consideration

What is understanding

If not love

I never said it

Now I fear I never will

Only because I feared that you can’t

Not that you won’t

[flowerworksonearth]

Thank you

That you tried

That you stayed

That you changed

You were always enough for me

You were all I wanted

But that doesn’t give you license to hurt

Or permission for unaccountability

I’m proud of you

Where no one else was

I’m on your side

Where no one else is

But you

Couldn’t and wouldn’t see it

And in that alone, I was Cassandra once again

[flowerworksonearth]

You cannot love if you cannot give

Nor can you love if you cannot find humility

Or sincerity

For love, courage is a requirement

For you, it was a sacrifice

Appearing unwillingly

Turning resentfully

[flowerworksonearth]

All I wanted, was you

All I asked for, was you

But what if

Not willing

Not wanting

Not ready

Were you

To want me

To ask for me

For all that we are and could be and should have been

[flowerworksonearth]

Did you forget?

[flowerworksonearth]

Heart without a home, remember?

[flowerworksonearth]

I almost loved you.

[flowerworksonearth]

I guess you died. To me.

[flowerworksonearth]

Hypocrite, at best.

Toxic, at worst.

[directactionforhope]

Not only is having intergenerational friendships literally not creepy, imho it's actually essential. You NEED friends who are older to do things like help you when there's a problem with your taxes, and give you job advice, and relationship advice, and especially if you are part of a marginalized group, and especially if you're part of a marginalized group and don't have contact with a ton of other members of it, you need older friends to show you that there IS a future for you, for people like you, and what it looks like, and the way it doesn't even have to involve turning into your parents

[hiccup-queen]

conversely, you need friends who are younger to help introduce you to new ideas. You need friends who are younger to drag you out to try some adventure because they thought it looked cool. You need younger friends to help you fix problems, because they may have faced something similar in the past! You need younger friends to keep you up to date on slang so that you can embarrass your teenage family members by intentionally misusing it.

Cross-generational friendships are not some weird sin. My best friend is nineteen years older than I am - im closer in age to her children than I am to her. She's still my best fucking friend.

[genderkoolaid]

having friends who are older than you helps inoculate you against ageism towards older people.

having friends who are younger than you helps inoculate you against ageism towards younger people.

you need to be able to see people of all ages as people you live in a community with, people who are similar to how you once were or will be, people you can learn from and people you can teach.

[flowerworksonearth]

Every morning, I smile at you.

Every night, I cry for you.