[flrlgrn]

misc. / 07.29.26

do boys have some sort of guide on “here’s what to say so that the person i’m talking to will get attached and be soooooo sad when i up and leave because i was talking out my ass so i could get my dick wet or get some free attention for a second until the hyperfixation wears off

i am so over it and i am suspicious of anyone who immediately is borderline lovebombing me

[flrlgrn]

quick thought dump / 07.29.30

i want so badly to not be this size. i know i can’t hate myself into a body i’m supposed to love

but the lingering thought i always have is that people would find me more attractive or something if i was thinner. which, even if that was true, why does it matter? why do i wanna be attractive to everyone? why do i want to appeal to men? why can’t i let go of the obsessive thought of “other fat girls are hotter than me even if they’re noticeably bigger than me” knowing that it doesn’t matter either way?

i just want to be not fat. and i wish it was as easy as going back to disordered eating habits but that just does more damage in the long run. maybe i just need to actually rearrange some shit in my life and start actually making an effort to do something about it. having multiple autoimmune disorders that influence how my metabolism runs and if it’s even effective. so i think i’m nervous that if i try hard that it won’t work and i’ll end up like the other people with endocrine and metabolic disorders who have been trying their hardest to lose weight but can’t.

i don’t like that i have the same thoughts as i did at 12-18 any time i see someone who i want to look like or hear someone else’s weight. “i wish i was that thin” “i wish i weighed that much” “i’d look so much better if i lost X amount of weight” “i shouldn’t eat that”

it’s so exhausting to live in a brain that i outgrew many years ago and sometimes it wins.

[flrlgrn]

stream of consciousness 07.28.26

how do you know how much to invest, emotionally, in the connections you make with people that go slightly beyond casual but you don’t know what will come of it

being nonchalant is not something i know how to do, but i don’t like getting attached right away. somehow i always end up deciding i can trust that i’m not being used or lied to. but i also don’t want to think of everything as bad and assume the worst. but when i don’t assume the worst, i get hurt and feel stupid instead of knowing that i’m not the one who fucked up. but i live inside my head too much and start to wonder if i did fuck up or if i did misread something or if i shouldn’t have done something or if i should’ve seen it coming

i don’t like being detached in my attitude, and my brain literally does not function typically in this regard. although i do think it’s fixable. i used to journal more and figure out my thoughts like that. i had an easier time figuring out why i feel certain things

but i just don’t know how to get past how i approach / view attachment + casual sexual connections i end up making.

i’d like to think that my many different intense experiences with literally dozens of people that fall within the not-casual-but-still-casual abyss have prepared me in some type of way to understand how i move through life via connecting + building relationships with other people

but i can’t do another boy telling me things they think i want to hear. i want to believe that there are people who are genuine, upfront, and non-deceitful, but i hate feeling like i keep falling into a trap i was told time and time again didn’t exist :(

[flrlgrn]

it’s wild that it’s taken me almost 30 years to figure out that i most likely have ocd and ocpd and half the things i do are Not Very Typical At All