I have just started reading The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary, PhD. It was recommended by my child’s therapist. It has an extremely Eastern philosophical bent so far (as of Chapter 1 that is), but I think that can work for me.
The first chapter is very much about how we need to rethink our parenting philosophy -- that it should not be a hierarchical dictatorship where we mold the child into a person, but that it should be a partnership where we recognize the person our child already is: their spirit or soul or unique spark.
“As a parent, to the degree you are able to recognize that your children are in your life to foster a renewed sense of who you are, you will discover their potential to lead you to the discovery of your own true being.”
As I was reading that, I was struck with the idea that it’s that renewed sense of self that we fight against so desperately. I think she spoke of it a page or so earlier, but that is where it coalesced for me. We see ourselves so clearly; sometimes when our children act as mirrors, sometimes when their reactions illuminate our thoughts and behaviors. And it’s not always comfortable, even if it is a positive image. Because it might not be the image we’ve cultivated, we’ve convinced ourselves that we truly are.
I spent most of my life basing my entire personality on whoever I was around at the time. I believe most of us do that to some extent, allow certain traits out more with one group, suppress something else a little with family, etc... But I think that I did it to a more extreme point than many. I truly had no sense of self when I was alone, nothing I liked or disliked on my own. And the conflict between who I was at school, or with friends, or with family was devastating.
It got worse once I became a mother, because that is one role that it is terrifyingly hard to walk away from (at least for me ‘cause I had no direct sense of self to rely on). So I was always a mom at work, or a mom with my family, or a mom going to cons. It was wearing me thin, because I don’t think I liked ‘Mom’-me that much. She was rigid and harsh and judgmental; loving to be sure, but unable to see success in anything other than ‘normal’ expectations, whatever the fuck I thought those were.
I’m in my 40s now, I have one kid in college and one in middle school. And it’s only in the past couple of years that I’ve started to build a true sense of ME. It’s not easy, and people aren’t always reacting the most positively, because all of a sudden this person who has always been exactly what they thought I should be, has a voice and opinions and behaviors that don’t quite mesh with that.
I should mention that many people are reacting positively -- I’m getting a lot of compliments, and a lot of gratitude from family members that I am engaging with them again. I’ve found it’s a lot easier when I’m not constantly walking the tightrope between what person A expects and what person B expects in a conversation.
Well, this really got away from parenting talk, but I think that’s part of what the book is about. Really getting to know yourself, so you can be the best parent you can. We can’t parent when we don’t have a center to fall back on, when we are constant watching ourselves and judging ourselves and correcting ourselves. We can’t be consistent in our behavior when the dictates are constantly changing because they don’t come from us.