swam

she/her - 21 - minors dni / 18+ - my personal public diary 💅

[foe-d]

Tummy go owie

[foe-d]

Hey guys! Sending the following to my ex bf because I was looking at my credit card statements and started to get really missed off. Persinal info censored. Dated 6/6/26 discussing 2025

Hey, you fucking asshole, I was just looking through some old credit card statements, and I was looking and thinking "wow, I spent a bit more on school than I thought?" And then I see a [restaurant that i only ever went to with him] charge for $60 because you couldn't afford to eat - 2/3 of that bill was yours. You had me pay for my own meal at portillos, literally $12.50 for the salad i got, and how much did you spend on your meat loaded piece of grease? And not to consider the damn gas bills - my mom was tight when she said that I should've charged you $0.66/mile because I paid $263 for gas June-September, rounding DOWN, and I don't remember you covering my bill more than one time, for probably $24 dollars due to the price at the time and the fact that I wasn't on empty, and only after I was complaining abt it AFTER PAYING FOR BOTH OF US AT PANERA. Which... guess what! ALSO COST $30. and I would really like to know why you had me paying for or at least going Dutch on literally all of our dates. Like, I swear to God, you know when a girl goes Dutch. She expects some kind of thing in return. I am not talking about sex, rather, I'm talking in an emotional way and honestly breaking up with you was probably the best thing I ever did for my emotional stability. And my goddamn wallet, because what kind of girl has to cover at her boyfriend's goddamn groceries, right? Are you kidding me? Are you fucking me? My venmo is @[username] phone number *** *** **** even tho i know you still have it memorized.

[foe-d]

Looking back through my old posts and realized that many of these moments were fleeting, just as is the flow of life. Wishing I still had my textbook on world religions to garner more perspectives on life and how to reflect going forward, instead of participating in my old college's textbook buyback and netting a loss of $40. Turning 21 today and finding that I see myself learning to navigate through life in an easier manner, gaining better coping mechanisms, and reconnecting with wonderful friends whom I hate to think that I had become too distant from to rely on -- friends are forever, not just when its convenient. Quote from my little pony im sure. Im loving life with the turn of the seasons and the sun being in my life for longer periods, thriving in a workplace with people who are not all up in my business, and taking full advantage of my summer break to remember all the joys of life and the hobbies I hold close to my heart.

[foe-d]

went to a Counselor today. I think I need to start journaling again because, well, the meeting didn't do what I thought it would. I dont know what i expected to get out of it. It's like I want there to be something wrong with me. My diet feels messed up, but it's still in my control, and honestly that feels like a lie. I just, I can't bring myself to eat more. And maybe I should have brought that up. And maybe it's not as big of a deal as I think it is, but it just. It doesn't feel right, maybe it's a change in lifestyle. Maybe it's a change in my perspective. But I'm pretty sure it's related to the anxiety that started all the throwing up. And I feel like it's tumbling out of control. I feel that I don't have control, maybe, or I exert too much control and I'm too strict with my diet.

But it's not like I even have a diet plan in place, so I can't even really cheat. I should, though, indicated by the fact that I ate like basically 3 brownies tonight so I don't know. And in the past I've wanted to start like taking down what I eat to start tracking my calorie intake. But I was always so scared that doing so was gonna lead me down to the road of an easting disorder, but now I'm already on the way there. today I drank a Rockstar energy drink, the one with 240mg caffeine, and for lunch at 11am I had 2 ham balls and a side of rice. a couple gours layer i had 1 cookie. I skipped dinner and had the brownies I mentioned at about 8pm with about 1 scoop of ice cream and half of a bag of combos. reflecting on this, this still feels like too much food bc of the junk at the end of the day. I just don't know how to feel about it all.

this whole mess started bc of a breakup and the end of a related friendship in December, and I've lost 15-20 pounds since then bc I started eating less after the Christmas holidays, and if I ate too much I couldn't hold it down and would throw up. my solution, clearly, was to continue eating less, but is that a good decision for my diet, or is there an underlying issue that I'm missing?

I need to start journaling again, so I actually keep track of my days. I've been losing time too quickly. gotta budget it lmao

[foe-d]

wish I was a guy so that I didn't have to feel so much

[foe-d]

I think I've got an ed. bulimia maybe, a milder form of it

[foe-d]

I had such a wonderful day. I've got my housing plans set up for when I transfer to my 4 year college of choice, I have bank in my bank, and I have financial aid.

I had a ton of hw to do today, but I also needed a nap. I woke up by reading some wonderful manga, took my time resting in bed, ate a wonderful large Caesars salad, some spaghetti, and a blueberry bagel loaded with cream cheese for breakfast, and soon after took a 2 hour nap. I cleaned my house, I went to a 1 hour work meeting afterwards in comfortable clothing, and I rid myself of the burden a past friendship had placed on me. every day I get closer to what I believe Buddhists would describe as enlightment and zen and living in the moment. I ate a delicious supper, a roast beef sandwitch and orange jello salad.

I locked in and completed half of the homework I had planned on, but this just means I am capable and will be able to complete the rest of it in the following nights after I get home from work.

tomorrow, or soon after, I get the privilege of keeping my knitting supplies organized and clearing my desk; I will be organizing my email folders soon so that I have a clear head about the transfer information I have recieved.

It's a lovely life, and I've been smelling the roses and drinking >160mg (usually more) caffeine daily ✨️✨️✨️

[foe-d]

fav word: bodhisattva

[foe-d]

just so u know. exposure therapy does NOT work for elevators.

[foe-d]

dude energy drinks give me like. such a bad crash after 3 hours. like I'll drink 2 rockstars at work, 160 MG caffeine each, at noon thru 3pm with an insane rush cashiering lunch, i eat a lunch at 2, and I am sleeping on my feet at 4pm. it's horrible. like ik that food makes me drowsy, but I can't eat/handle/stomach food before 10am -- which is when my shift starts -- and u know DAMN well that I'm gonna take my lunch break and use it to it's full extent during a 9 hour shift. but oh my lord idk if it's general exhaustion or what. and I get at LEAST 8 hours of sleep every night?? idk what to do.

[foe-d]

"the six degrees if Kevin bacon" git significantly easier w the Diddy situation, if I'm making generalizations

[foe-d]

thinking abt my ex's snores currently. down bad fr fr

[foe-d]

there are times when I have half a thought to become vegetarian. then I remember ham salad and ribs exist. end post

[foe-d]

yall. I have literally become my mother. we have the same mannerisms, we have a similar type in guys, we rationalize similarly, it's crazy. like obv not everything us the same and we still have our differences, but we're both so empathetic to one another and like. idk. it's weird

[foe-d]

being an independent person makes me an asshole, and I'm ok with that. Hopefully I can find someone who is just as independent as me one day. I've been using my best friends cousin as a rebound, when I look at it in hindsight, and I'm breaking up with her tomorrow morning. I just sent a post about lighters to my ex, who I've been rebounding from, and I hope it's a horrible decision so that I can feel as shitty as possible bc I feel so bad about it. I can't marry this girl, and she dates to marry, so I'm trying to save her in the long run and not drag it out longer than the nonth and one week we've been together. I wish I had actually thought it through when i asked her out, but I feel so much guilt about what she wants that I tried to please her in every way. I hope I get what's coning to me, and I hope that I can ride the next two weeks on a high and forget everything while I'm on vacation.

[foe-d]

talking to bestie abt foot fetishises 2nite... it's going well

[foe-d]

I honest to God enjoy writing essays for my classes, I just. I don't like finding the material to write about. that's my only block. like how do I find an appropriate folk song for my humanities course. and how the fuuuuuuck do I write about music. when the last music course I took was in elementary school. like huh. HUH !?!?!?!?!?