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just realised this blog doesn't have an intro post. anyway-

i'm lena, he/her, 4th year medstudent, planning on going into trauma surgery. i take a lot of electives for fun. currently on my second year of ancient greek, also studying spanish at B2-ish, and this semester i'm taking iconography. in addition to medschool i am a drag artist and writer, but mostly i talk about those on separate side blogs. i'm a pretty big reader, too; my favourite saint is st. sebastian, my favourite drinking game is chess; i did my high school research paper on death culture with a focus on environmentally friendly burial. i listen to the mountain goats and julien baker too much. i'm weird about god and gender. i'm a leftist dyke. i'm 22 :)

the thing is, when you have a calling, you can be okay with almost anything.

when said calling is your job, throwing yourself into it at the fullest possible throttle will feel fulfilling, delightful, and noble. even when it is at your own expense, it doesn't feel that way.

when it involves literal matters of life and death, it's pretty easy to coherently argue that you should in fact give your all and more to it. and when you give all of yourself, there's nothing left to think about any of your own problems. this will make your life exponentially easier. there are, of course, the consequences. feel free to ignore those.

you have a calling, so you can be okay with almost anything. because it will always matter more. it matters to you more than anything, very much including yourself.

the troubling bit, at times, is that your calling is not everyone's calling, and some people will care about you a great deal more than you care about yourself. because your calling is not their calling, they don't understand why it matters more than you. watching you give all of yourself will leave them confused and upset. upsetting them will hurt you a great deal more than any of your own maryrdom. you care about them. they matter to you a whole lot more than you matter to yourself.

but not more than the calling.

and you will not let them save you.

#this goes on the med school blog bc it's not fully articulated enough to go on the writing blog and it's a bit much to go on the personal #feel free to make this about blorbo bleebus #but like much of my writing it is actually about medicine

something pre-clinical does not prepare you for is how fast stuff changes in clinical medicine. like you probably shouldn't use a physiology textbook from 1998, but if you did, we-ll. you'd mostly get the same info.

meanwhile in clinical you blink and the guidelines have changed. the ECS are trying to contact you about your SGLT2i prescribing

and some of your profs have not updated their slides since 2018 which wasn't a problem before but is now

#medical school #med student #med school #medical student #medicine

get the look work ethic: fetishise the everliving fuck out of your own suffering. you have to be almost horny about how overworked and exhausted you are. at least almost, overtly is even better

there are, of course, the consequences. the best thing about the consequences is that you don't have to think about them if you're too busy

also helps to find a very very sad man in a piece of media intended as a cautionary tale and project on him.

#exam szn #this is obviously intended as a joke but there'a a reason half my poems abt med school sound like they're abt a sadomasochistic relationship

whenever anything upsetting happens in my personal life i remember that i'm abt to be a doctor and nothing else really matters

#i can tolerate just abt anything so long as i can do medicine #happy new year i've alr cried

yk when you're in healthcare, you get "i could never do what you do/i don't know how you manage to do what you do" a lot, and you start getting it super early in, like i'm a 4th year, but people gawk at the time commitment and also seeing what we see, dealing what we deal with. and not to diminish any of what we do go through but - i couldn't not do this. medicine is the great love of my life, it gives me meaning, and that meaning is so often the only thing keeping me stable and functioning. if not for medicine, i don't know if i'd be alive right now (after the death of my then best friend, my ED got really bad, and i very well might've lost my fight to it if the motivation to get into medical school hadn't forced me to recover). yeah, it's very demanding, but it could never be as bad for me as i could be for myself.

#i've been inactive on this blog for Years i think but it's one of my few socials that irls dk abt & my Medblog lol #medblr #med student #medical student #medical school #medicine #med school

my current inability to be home without attempting to leave the country or having an anxiety attack is probably a symptom of something, but right now it's making me an academic weapon because it's landed me semi-permanently in the library and exam szn is coming up, so i'm not too mad abt it

#this isn't like entirely novel it's just like. ADHD evil boredom understimulation idk something something

being a 3rd year medstudent & also having massive grief trauma manifests as a complete and utter inability to be normal about my friends' health

#med school #med student #medical student #medblr #help i am freaking them out lol. i'm freaking myself out

foggyscholar

i've managed to make it this far into the semester without failing anything, this pharma test better not break that streak......

foggyscholar

and it didn't

foggyscholar

so it's actually official today. got my final exam grade in. i passed everything first try this semester.

it's the first time i really took my mental health seriously, like i said i didn't have time to - particularly last spring i said that, then ended up in a place so bad i realised i needed to make some radical changes in my life. still, i thought that would come somewhat at the expense of academical success. the opposite appears to have happened

#look it's still fucking medschool and i'm still mentally ill. that hasn't changed. it's still stressful and tiring and all that #but this is. this is a lot.

yk my excuse for not dealing w my mental health during the first two years of medschool was that i didn't have time - and it does take Time! it takes Energy! my mental health is a part-time job sometimes. but this year, i've taken it very seriously and it's the first semester i haven't failed anything. i'm doing well academically, and that's not coming at the cost of my mental health most of the time

#medschool #med school #medstudent #med student #studyblr

foggyscholar

i've managed to make it this far into the semester without failing anything, this pharma test better not break that streak......

foggyscholar

and it didn't

#let's fucking gooooo #i've got two tests left this semester

i've managed to make it this far into the semester without failing anything, this pharma test better not break that streak......

#i am a little unwell ngl

you've got two types of prof in medschool. one who will teach you how to use a pipette in your third year (as if you haven't spent more time in a lab than at home in the past two years) and another who will get mad at you for not already having a doctorate in pathology

wild that taking electives isn't more popular. most people ik in medschool just do their mandatory 5 course credits (usually one course) and leave it at that

#not saying that in judgement just genuine confusion #like yeah none of us have the time but #i don't have the time i find the time yk. because it's fun and enriching #i'm studying medicine too and i care about my grades and i have ADHD which makes it more difficult. and i basically work as a drag artist #which isn't the same as working part-time next to school i fully acknowledge. but most people here don't work during school #and like. idk. i live alone i manage my own household. i write. i read. i work out pretty regularly. i keep social. and still find the time #and finding that balance with medschool took me lots of time granted and sometimes it still slips but #idk sometimes people see me reading and say they just don't have the time! and like - no we just have different priorities #i value my creative and intellectual enrichment outside of medical school which doesn't mean i care about medschool any less #caveats to this are folks with like. real part-time jobs and kids. i acknowledge that i don't know what that's like #but that is not most people #and like i said this isn't judgement it's moreso a maybe-very-adhd confusion of how people aren't Interested in Everything #my time at university is limited and full of so many opportunities to learn outside of my main field of study. how could i pass that up

fomenting reading books lately

#functioning as a small library lately

entering a very exciting time in my life rn (various friends are starting to publish their bachelor's/master's theses)

#listen i study medicine so unless i make the terrible decision to go on to get a doctorate i won't get to/have to write a thesis #but as someone who delights in other people's hyperfixations i'm delighted #correction: i don't have to but i actually can i just checked #hmmmmm

foggyscholar

t-2h to the physiology retake. the gut feeling is Pass which - it's usually right - but there's also a pretty big element of luck to how this goes, the questions i get. i've been studying non-stop since my last exam and i'm still studying, but i have not covered everything. there's just so much. i don't even care about the grade at this point so long as it's a passing one.

well, anyway. in 5 hours i get to sleep. barely remember what that's like, very excited.

foggyscholar

well i think i passed. but the grades will be posted i a few days and until then i won't know for 100% sure, but like. i Think i passed, i'm pretty sure it should at least be an E yk

foggyscholar

IPASSEDIPASSEDIPASSEDIPASSED

#my final grade is a D but i'm okay w that honestly i fucking passed #i'm done w the year. i can rest nw

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