foolish.love.requisites

i'm just trying to make sense of the ramble of words inside my mind.

[foolishloverequisites]

Sleepless in a black hole

Is it that time of year again? When my soul becomes restless. Forever wandering into corners of your memory. I can't believe I still find shattered remnants of you across my heart. Oh, this heart is sad sad sad, always has been you know. But there's a difference now, I like living. I like the way I am reminded of life when I hurt or laugh or just breathe. I used to tolerate life, barely held on, and then someone tried to take it away from me by force. Who knew that would've been the cure. I wonder if you feel hurt that you weren't the reason I stayed. You helped though, I think that's why it was always so hard to let you go. You knew too much, you knew every single ounce of pain and I didn't understand that I would eventually be okay with the weight of it. I am sorry for the hurt and pain I inflicted on you. I wish I could say I don't think of you at all but the truth is more like I almost don't think of you nowadays. I almost don't feel anything when you come to mind, and I almost don't wish to call you. But I'm holding strong to that because at this point in life we both deserve a chance at something better with someone else. I almost don't love you anymore...I hope we never collide again.

[foolishloverequisites]

Your Reflection

You’re use to words so rough

they break you 

before they get a chance 

to braze your skin

You take compliments

and shove them into inaccessible depths

deep into your subconscious

Because forgetting is always easier

than admitting

you want to be more

You wish to live 

but fear disappearing

Like the forgotten dust on an empty shelf

You encase yourself in shackles,

then swallow the key

The same way you engulf any emotion

not laced in turmoil

You are a walking cataclysm

tearing yourself apart

day after day

Looking for survivors

who are trapped in cellars

deep in the rubble 

of your mortal heart

How do I convince you

that through the debris 

your foundation, 

remained 

[foolishloverequisites]

Baby Blue

i miss the outline of your lips pressed agains mine

that sweet and threatening touch 

ready to send me into an innocuous void

i lust for you 

for the enticing colors filled in your iris

the palpable essence of your skin lingers in my mind

i have the appetite to surrender to you

this famine you have me on has got me on skin and bones 

baby wont you nurture my body and feed my soul 

[foolishloverequisites]

Courage

if you asked me today 

if you requested my time 

would I have the courage 

to turn you in for all your crimes 

[foolishloverequisites]

Fuccccccccccccck . I am one self-sabotaging dumb ass . I know what things can hurt and yet here we fuckin are. I should have payed more attention but nooooooo, one more sleepless night won't hurt then.  

[foolishloverequisites]

learning

I finally did it and it tore me up into pieces and yet I was able to smile, knowing I had given myself a better chance at something else. I finally saw the crimson flags waving in the air and with that shitty realization also came relief. I had finally learned how to let go of what is not for me. Now don’t get me wrong at times I do sneak a peek behind me, but never long enough to fall into the false accusation of lovers past. I loved someone new, and it was beautiful, it never got ugly, we just got to a point where I knew his journey needed his full attention apart from me. I loved enough to have the strength to let go. 

[foolishloverequisites]

Velvet Noir

I do this thing. Where I park my car outside and just sit. Sit for minutes or even an hour. I sit with no intention but to view and feel life move around me. It reminds me how small I am in the world right now. How if I were to somehow vanish in an instant life would still continue the way it does when I sit inside my car. Tonight the air carries the sounds of all the nocturnals and the rain has washed away the suffocating heat. The puddles give way to my every step and if I close my eyes I can hear the night trying to lullaby me to sleep. The lampposts shine in envy of the moon, but the moon is not phased by such praise. Instead she appears to remind me that no matter who leaves, she will always return to lay me to sleep. I used to be scared of the night, and now, now I find comfort in its velvet noir blanket.

[foolishloverequisites]

Dusting the cobwebs

The ends of the year are so odd for me. I’ve become so engulfed in contemplation about past events and for once I can say that there is no turmoil. That use to be my biggest obstacle. It used to be impossible for me to look back at events (good or bad) and not be able to feel every single bit of emotion amplified x1000. I could never really pinpoint when it happened either. The calm, or better yet the understanding that it’s okay to let go of things/people that are not in tune with you. Protecting your peace and your mind is a must. You do this by figuring out your boundaries and correcting those that cross them. Some will get it, some won’t but you cannot worry about that. All you can do is be mindful of how you react to the world around you. I truly believe the energy we put out will always come back to us.

[foolishloverequisites]

deep affection

my love flows 

from inside 

and spills out

to coat myself 

not a lover

nor a friend 

not a brother 

or things manmade

neither a woman

and nothing died in red

my love flows 

from inside out

towards my brain

back through my lungs 

and out each ear

coating the eyes 

my love flows 

from inside and

out my mouth

towards my hips

around each leg

twirling each toe

and through my head

my love flows 

back in my mouth

to swallow whole

and squash my doubt

my love flows 

right out my eyes

and thats okay 

i realize

my love flows 

to my heart 

to mend 

and give 

a lasting pump

my love flows

not for you 

but for myself 

and that is true

[foolishloverequisites]

Your eyes are my favorite shade of brown.

There is something about looking into deep brown eyes and seeing how all the emotions reflect and shine. I love you and I know that I  will never have to sacrifice myself or my soul to be with you and that, that is a treasure I stumbled upon by accident. I love that to the world you are impenetrable but to me, you change and open in ways we both didn't know you could. And its blissfull the way you’ve become yourself more and more. Your eyes seem brighter every time I gaze in them and I swear I see the future in your ever-loving gaze. I am a ball of laughter around you and we should just go ahead and invest in our own private comedy club. You make me feel like I am the only woman you were made for and to be honest I’m having a hard time remembering anyone before you. I can’t seem to pinpoint when it all stopped hurting. I can’t seem to pinpoint where the past became the past. But I can tell you I fell in love with you the moment I began to write you into my memory. 

[foolishloverequisites]

The Climax

Somehow you penetrate my soul with every laugh

And fuck my consciousness into awakening

With every breath you provocate the goddess inside me

You see your tone gives way to your roughest intentions

Yet you carefully caress scars I had long forgotten

Who says who you can’t feel through jagged scar tissue

Don’t you see that your very essence drips of ecstasy and lust

Is this what it feels like to be reborn

To yearn flesh once again

I want to sink my teeth in your every thought

And lick every corner of your soul

You make blood rush to the most intimate places in my mind

The truth is I would know you anywhere even if I was blind 

And Boy I never knew a heart could be so kind 

So let me bask in your every emotion

Because for you I’d sacrifice this mortal soul 

And shed this battered skin

For an infinite eternity

Or another life

Of just you and me 

[foolishloverequisites]

‘95

I’ve fallen for a man In ways I’ve only read of in books. How is it possible for my body and soul to vibrate at such cosmic levels because of your presence. You have the most tantalizing mahogany brown eyes and they are forever engraved in my mind. I’ve never felt so grounded by a man, you give me more than anyone ever has in such little time. I'm so...emotionally intact. So at peace within, the only thing you disturb are my thoughts and even as you make yourself at home in my heart you are...careful. You are more than lovely, you are beyond anything that can be described with language. I cannot put to word the way I recognized you, with you it was complete tunnel vision. I felt every ancestor behind me, guiding me to that very moment you laid eyes on me. It took you 456 days from my birth for you to reach this earth. I hope that's the only time I’ll ever have to face the world again without you in it. I am a goner and that's okay because you are too. I guess you can say I’m complete pudding for you. 

[foolishloverequisites]

“grief is the final act of love”

I lied

I lied when I said you were a soulmate of mine

I lied because I learned something that I didn’t know when I had spoken those words

I never grieved you

It never felt like a loss when you left

It was only pure relief

And it should have been obvious

But I was just blinded by the comfort you represented at the time

Therefore I rescind what I said

Because you don’t even come close

And you’ll never know

A love pure as the soul

[foolishloverequisites]

Asphyxiated heart, what is it you fear? 

[foolishloverequisites]

the first call

How is it possible for you to move my soul with no touch.

I’m falling

I’m falling

I fear I’m not falling fast enough

How sweet it is to be seen and to see

You shine brighter than you believe

Wild to think already you are a part of me

[foolishloverequisites]

.

every letter that falls is my therapy

and somehow that is how I mend

[foolishloverequisites]

spilling it all on paper is soothing

it brings me peace to know I have known such deep pain

as much as I have felt tremendous love

how there's clarity even in rage 

and how fear can break you in worse ways than sadness 

that the soreness you feel after a long workout 

resembles the soreness your heart feels 

every time it is toyed with

and such relief it is when it all gushes out