fuck

neurotic to the bone & screaming into the void

[foolsvictimsvillains]

i just want to get weirder i just want to do things that make me feel alive i just want to live a good life with good food and good fun and good drugs and good sex and good company i want to be able to feel good about the life i lived when i get old and im so worried im too scared of feeling anything to do any of that. let me dye my hair again and cover myself in tattoos let me go to shows let me travel and be a slut and play in a band and go hiking in beautiful places and stay out late, when they said "make a life worth living" i thought they meant to find a job you can live with and a couple of hobbies but the life i thought was worth living feels like i'm not alive at all and i'm not crazy enough to do anything about it yet

[foolsvictimsvillains]

i'm not suicidal i think because i feel like i'm already dead and i'm just waiting for something to happen to make me feel less dead

but i'm scared of everything because every emotion i have is too big for my body and being alive means feeling and i've spent the last idk how long putting my feelings away and ignoring them as best i can

so i guess i'm kind of stuck in purgatory. can't live can't stay dead. fuck this

[foolsvictimsvillains]

And Everything Feels Like A Sign Sent From The Universe And I'm Too Scared To Answer

[foolsvictimsvillains]

i think im having. like. a third of life crisis. like what the fuuuck am i even doing with my life lmfao im going to die unfulfilled because im such a boring person who is too scared to do anything that might make me feel anything

[foolsvictimsvillains]

thinking a lot about the nature of love. and different kinds of love. and how important love is to me and has been to me. for obvious reasons, you know.

thinking about how some people are more fulfilled by their careers or hobbies or whatever. thinking about how some people can just be alone and be ok with it.

thinking about how much i feel for you and how much i care for you and how much i just. straight up like you. and like being around you. and shouldn't that be love? isn't that what love is? and if it is, then why can't i feel it like i used to?

thinking about how i chose you. shouldn't i be able to choose you again? but also thinking about the future and thinking about you as my best friend instead. thinking about (and i feel fucking awful even thinking this) other love stories i could have.

thinking about different types of relationships. different types of loves. how safe and cared for you make me feel. how selfish it is of me to stay like this when you could have someone else who feels it more. someone good and kind.

thinking about how you've said we would be friends forever. how you wouldn't let me just fuck off without talking it through and how you would let me stay in your life because you love me. thinking about how it would actually be and how you would actually feel. thinking about the differences.

thinking about all these things all the time all at once. thinking about how bad this fucking hurts and how no matter how bad it's hurting me it doesn't matter because i'm the bad guy in this scenario and i was always going to be.

this fucking sucks. it just sucks and i hate it.

[foolsvictimsvillains]

and like it hurts because i LIKE you and i want to be around you like all the time like youve been out of the house barely a couple of hours and i miss you and i want you to be back but like. am i in love with you anymore? how selfish is it of me to stay like this?

you said you're an adult and you can make your own decisions and you choose to stay with me right now even though i can't feel it. but i don't know if it's coming back. and how long is too long? how long do we stay like this? it fucking hurts and i guess the sooner it's over the sooner i'll be over it, right? and you said we'd stay friends no matter what but what if it changes everything too much?

this is stupid it's so fucking stupid i hate being a human being with a heart and feelings. i hate this it hurts and i hate it

[foolsvictimsvillains]

like how long do i wait? how long until im sure its never coming back? how long do i wake up sick with guilt? how long do i spend my day coming back to the thought of how life will be after? how long do i stay scared for? everything feels like a message. and its not fair on you, it feels like im processing the inevitable and youre happily oblivious even though weve talked about this, ive tried to make you understand. im not lying to you. but it feels like i am? theres this tumblr post i have stuck in my head on repeat lately: havent you learned? it hurts either way

[foolsvictimsvillains]

feel like im clinging on desperately while everythings falling apart around me but. literally nothing's changed except for in my head. im trying to hold it all together but what if thats not what im supposed to be doing what if i just need to let it fall apart

[foolsvictimsvillains]

Emotional Distress (tm)

[foolsvictimsvillains]

things are going well. so well i sometimes forget i have a personality disorder

but boyyy do i have a personality disorder

and i am codependent and obsessive and today i've been thinking about what happens if (when) i fuck this up for good

and my bf is upset and in a different city and i can't do anything about it and. objectively. theyre not going to break up with me rn things are really good and we are In Love.

but also i think i need them

and im scared

[foolsvictimsvillains]

fun tip: take ur benzos with an energy drink to unlock new exciting ways to disassociate!

[foolsvictimsvillains]

Trauma Dream Trauma Dream Trauma Dream

[foolsvictimsvillains]

im evil im bad im tired and i miss my dead friend

[foolsvictimsvillains]

Hello My Name Is [Redacted] And I Experienced Relatively Minor Childhood Bullying That Left Me Horribly Traumatized With A Debilitating Social Anxiety Disorder, An Intense Fear Of Conflict That Often Results In Dissociating Thirty Seconds Into An Argument, An Inability To Stand Up For Myself, Intense Self Loathing, And A Desperation For People To Like Me That Has Led Me To Several Abusive Friendships

[exhaustedborderline]

[foolsvictimsvillains]

good news you two! the surgeon im seeing DOES NOT have a bmi cut off so my tiddies have an expiration date!! good thing too cause i snuck a look while they were weighing me and uhhhh im Heaby

[foolsvictimsvillains]

just under 2 weeks until i find out if im tffts (too fat for top surgery)