NO DONT KYS UR SO SEXY AHAHAHA

vents + poetry + anything with darker themes that i’d feel weird putting on the silly fandom blog!

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

lowkey hated this blog for the longest time so i rebranded —><—

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

this is such a non-issue atm, like i'll only have to worry about it once i move out, but just bcus i wanna get my thought down. i love my dad. i do. he's silly, and loves reading as much as i do, and is really into music like i am. he buys me stuff i want bcus he knows teenagers find it hard to get money, he's supportive of my additional needs and even my sexuality, he names his fucking plants for fuck's sake - most of the time, he's lovely. and yet. he can also be really fucking scary. he is horribly racist, and believes people like me are mentally ill. he is so angry all of the time. i am most likely going to have to cut him off once i move out. even though he told me he'd pay for my college and pay for my first apartment. and i am really afraid. because it could cost me my relationship with my sister, and will definitely ruin my relationship with my aunts and uncles. and i know he is going to use me as an example to fuel his hateful tirades after the fact, and blame me and my people for everything wrong in the world. and i am so afraid. because what if i never have the courage? what if i start to believe everyone who tells me that it's only politics, and there's nothing i can do? i don't want to take the easy way out and do nothing, but i don't know if i'm brave enough to follow through with it. it's so easy to forget everything he's done when he's nice and funny.

[apollosunn-moved-deactivated202]

anyone else relate

[midnightclover]

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

oh becuse im a just a sad lesbin rn if you would be so kind give me 3 things you would hav canged

i assume u mean changed, if not my bad u can clarify for me lol!

honestly i'm pretty happy where i am right now. i would've liked to move schools sooner, or maybe have chosen my new school first from the get go, and i also wish i had never met l or p, but apart from that idk. if we're talking like stuff i could never have actually changed, then i wish i didn't have asd, and i also wish i didn't have dysphoria. i wish my dad wasn't such a dick, and i wish that i had realised and called him out on his bullshit sooner, and that my mam didn't take so long to get better, and that her mother was still alive, but apart from all those, there's really nothing else i would change about my life so far. i don't even regret meeting the other people i've had to cut out of my life, cus i am grateful for the friendship they were able to give me while they could, and the hurt they caused taught me to be strong and to hold people accountable, which i might not have learned till i was way older otherwise. so yeah, top three would be never meeting l or p, not having asd & dysphoria, and my dad not being a transphobic racist. all pretty self-explanatory, i think!

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

From the girl who stole your account /j I really hope you get past your hardest day also really off topic but I fucking love your poetry like you alway ask me to check them, and I've lerterly every time stopped what I was doing just so I could read and enjoy them, you are an amazing artist with this curseded language

im crying @ambershousefire have i told u ur the reason im alive yet ur so cool its unreal and thank you thank youuuu awwwweeeee im so joyful now :33

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

ykw i actually don't think i like you that much and there's a probable chance that i shall either be moving schools next year or put in classes with somebody i actually fucking like so ykw no im not fucking doing this any more, have a great life :)

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

i feel so terribly sad and i don't know what to do

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

i don't think i can be like this any longer, it's so fucking horrible. i fucking hate being autistic i fucking hate it, it's so hard to do anything i'm so fucking useless i don't even know why i'm alive at this point

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

im so beyond tired and lately i have been forgetting about hope and kindness and i hate it all i just want to love and feel okay

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

i have so much love in me and really not much to do with it, and i'm pretty sure it's slowly eating me up inside

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

i think the worst part of Bad Things Happening and Being Kinda Depressed is that it is so hard to stay silly. it might sound stupid but like my favourite thing in life is being silly, and laughing, and making jokes, and while obviously i am still able to do those things, it's so hard to maintain. so i keep on getting whiplash by being really joyful and giggly like i used to be, to suddenly remembering Everything and starting to cry. i mean, i am currently in the process of consuming what is literally some of my favourite media ever made, and i still cannot maintain happiness. my mother made me go and sit outside for five minutes to listen to the birds and i had to zone out because as soon as i stopped, and focused, and brought myself back into my body, i started crying. and i knew i wouldn't be able to stop if i didn't hide in my mind again. everything is so terrible at the moment and the world is completely fucked and i have lost all but two of my friends in the span of a couple of weeks and i am so so worried and stressed all of the time, but the thing i grieve the most is my ability to be silly.

[pangur-and-grim]

I think some of the loneliness of autism is that you feel like you hurt people just by Interacting Wrong, but you don’t know how to Interact Right, and the more effort you put into it, the more exhausted you are and the more artificial it comes across (with the end result of people still being upset with you). and it’s not anyone’s fault for not liking Being Interacted With Wrong, and it’s not your fault for doing it so wrong, but it is very, very lonely.

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

i have legitimately two real, actual friends at the moment, one of whom is touch and go at the best of times, and i genuinely don't know what to do

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

bitches hate me cus of my autism (true and proven)

[kosmogrl]

I have mastered the art of being hard on myself for things I would tell anyone else are not that deep

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

feeling much better tonight. unfortunately with the return of a clear mind comes the Regret(tm). the trout population will suffer.

[foreverdealingwiththehorrors]

broke a streak of over a fucking year just for some pretty red lines that will heal in a week. what the fuck is wrong with me.