I just want to be okay today @foreverdreamingwhileconscious - Tumblr Blog

Ive been clean for months, but the urge to tear into myself is just getting stronger.

Traumatic memory gets created differently than normal memory.

Please reblog so as many people as possible can see this. People who were not abused don't understand this about traumatic memory and that is often a basis for them not believing you.

There's all sorts of complicated science behind how this works, but I'm not going to get into it right now because I really want to hammer home this very specific point and not get distracted by anything else.

Traumatic memory is different than normal memory.

Traumatic memory is recorded more similarly to a dream then waking life.

Do not let anyone hold your traumatic memory up to normal memory standards.

Do not let anyone convince you that your traumatic memories are invalid because they are recorded differently than normal memory.

Your traumatic memories are fragmented, out of sequence, and dreamlike. They contain both very vivid parts and totally missing parts. This is all valid. This is how traumatic memory is recorded in the brain.

Having traumatic memories does not mean there's anything wrong with your memory. It's the way the mind and nervous system are programmed to function when in perceived crisis. So, if the majority of your childhood memories are traumatic memories, it's not because something is wrong with your memory, it's because something was very wrong with your childhood.

sabbykatt3

I dont remember large portions of mine bc I've blocked it out. Just bits here and there. My sister will talk about stuff and ask if I remember and I just sorta look at her like nope. It's just a big blank.

pippinpaddleopsicopolis-iii

It feels like I get another memory at least once a month. Two weeks ago, my brother rattled the silverware too loudly just to get on my nerves and it triggered a panic attack. An hour later, I remembered a split moment of my mother angrily throwing silverware to put it away.

villaincodedqueer

There are bright, vivid fragments but so much of it is a giant black hole. I made peace with the fact that I will likely never know what all happened, but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t questions I carry about it.

watchoutforfrostbite

I'm autistic, so the trauma center in my brain is way overactive to behind with, making it more likely that traumatic memories will be stored over good memories. Even so, my memories of trauma come in bits and pieces, little snippets of really vivid among the blur of blocking things out and dissociating. Its hard when I know something traumatic happened but I cant explain the details or explain why it makes me react adversely to various things and situations.

cyberstrikebeast-deactivated202

Two the last two here, I can relate. I just don't remember a lot of things in my life, and I'm autistic

secret-mind

foreverdreamingwhileconscious

Dear Dad,

I am unfortunate to be forced to call you my “father” when you are no father of mine. Infact, when people ask about my dad. I correct them and say “do you mean the sperm donor?”. That’s all you are to be honest..

Where were you when my brother - your “son” - was in hospital with the life trickling out of his wrists? Oh yeah. You were too busy with a needle in your arm scarring your arms like you scarred my brothers heart. You ruined him.

Where were you when I was in hospital and my eyes were fading into darkness? When death was knocking on my door? I wanted it to be you but oh yeah, you were too busy getting so drunk you would ruin yet another childs life. You broke us.

And now you think you have the nerve to agree to meet me? Do you honestly think I would want a relationship with you? I have spent the last 16 years wondering why you deny me as your child but not my brother and little sister. When I am forced to meet you as my mum has decided she thinks its what is best for my mental state, trust me now when I say that if I hear a single bullshit excuse or story, I will end you. I dont want your pity, all I’ve ever wanted from you was to be a dad but apparently I’m “not good enough” but do you know what I’ve realised lately? I’ve realised that its you that isnt good enough for me.

I may not be perfect, I may not be in education or work. My mum may not be proud of me but atleast I have a little bit of humanity in me.

How could you leave your own children? We waited. We have spent nights on end praying for a call or a message but you’re too busy popping pills. Why were we never good enough for you to stop? You were meant to move with us but you didn’t want to find a new dealer. Priorities, right?..

You know, I thought the older I got, the less it would hurt but no, it hurts more. My relationship with my mum is deteriorating quicker than your health and my mental state and I dont have a dad to fall back on.

I remember the last words I heard from you. I remember it like it was yesterday, we bumped into you at a bus stop and you said “I’d hoped she’d be prettier and skinnier” so thanks for that. Little do you know, a few months after that - when i was 8 years old - I got diagnosed with an eating disorder and I became so ashamed of how I looked, I wouldn’t even show up to school. The eating disorder is still here to this day…

I was getting better you know, but then somebody brought you up and those words resonated in my head and I fell straight back into it. I lost 6lbs last week. I am underweight for my age, size and shape. I still remember my boyfriend getting worried because he could see my ribs poking through my skin. Am I skinny enough yet?

I have a cut on my face and a spot on my chin and I refused to leave my boyfriends room, i wouldnt even let him look at me. On the way home, I kept my head down until I had put my makeup on, until I plastered a mask on my face. Am I pretty enough yet?

Im terrified of having kids because I dont want to become you.

I just really wish you gave a fuck. I wish you would’ve become a man when you became a parent.

I just really wish you were here…

foreverdreamingwhileconscious

Reading this is some mad shit, 2 years later and I couldn't care less if you dropped dead. 2 years later and I'm stronger than ever...without you. I thought I needed you but I never did and in the end I thank you for showing me the ways of the world. How dark and demeaning it really is because look at me now. I'm stable, I'm on top, I'm living a life you would have never allowed me to but where are you? Oh that's right, doing the same shit you were back then. I will never become you and I will NEVER need your validation. Thankyou for being a deadbeat, I was always better off without you it just took some time for me to comprehend that.

mszamil-deactivated20220204

When someone asks you where you see yourself in 5 years and you’re like buddy .. im just trying to make it to Friday

joli--coeur

you can’t fast forward your life to the good parts, and maybe that’s a good thing.

we get to go through the highs and lows of life. we get to learn lessons and gain knowledge from the hardships that we go through. we get to pass this knowledge along to those in need. we get to grow and learn, and become better people through the ups and downs life gives us. we get to appreciate the good moments after a bad moment has passed.

though fast forwarding to the good part of my life seems tempting, i like where i am right now. i will relish in the unknown, the tides, and the light. when those good times come, i will be more appreciative...and ready.

You are going to do amazing things in life there is so much here for you, don't give up

dreams-come-true

It’s easy to look at positive people and think they are always happy especially if they don’t show when they are sad or angry, it’s easy to think they are always happy but they are human and they feel all kinds of other emotions too, people get tired and sad and disappointed and angry just like you do. When you look at someone and you think wow i wish I could be happy like them, you can. Happiness is inside of all of us even if you always feel sad or numb there’s still happiness inside of you and it never leaves. If you do the work to become happier you will be I promise.

I use to think it was too hard, I use to be the person who wanted to kill themselves daily and I’ve tried multiple times. If you need proof people who are mentally ill, who have gone through multiple forms of trauma and neglect, who who always felt so fucking sad and lonely can be happy I’m it lmao. Life can be really good if you let it, find a bit of happiness and hold on to it. You are worthy of life. You deserve to be happy and you will be

foreverdreamingwhileconscious

I needed this dude

I started this year with so much positivity. I was so set to do something with my life and become someone. I’ve never made a new years resolution until this year so I thought it should be a good one, my resolution was “to make this year my bitch” and honestly, 4 months in and its been one of my biggest regrets. Pretty sure life saw it as a challenge and now is just doing whatever it can to break me down.

Its fucking working.

Life, you win.

Give me a break please.

#fml #depression #ptsd #fuck my life #everything sucks lol

amalasdraws

There are people out there who are tired, sad, depressed, struggle with life and living and yet go out of their way to be kind and supportive. Who always share nice words and kindness.

You are strong and beautiful! I hope you can have some of this kindness and good for yourself!