In the next life time, when a cardiologist falls in love again with a resident.
Every rain drop on the doorstep of his house was as loud as the three quick knocks I just did on the door. My heart beat was just as loud. It felt like my chest was about to burst. My hair was slicked back, the curls I painstakingly did for three hours earlier was gone. My mascara was running down my cheeks but it had done that even before I ran under the rain.
I wasn't thinking. I knew this was not a good choice. Probably. But it was the choice I made.
Not even 10 seconds passed by. I heard footsteps and then someone was twisting the door knob from the inside.
The door opens to him standing on the hallway. He was still wearing his shoes, his hirt and slacks. He stands there with an expression I have never seen before. He looks like he's seeing a ghost. His eyes were red-rimmed, bleak and bloodshot. Maybe it was from everything he did that day. Maybe it was the endless patients lining up to his clinic. Maybe it was the 4th wedding or wake of the month he attended. Maybe it was the endless calls from the emergency room or the wards.
But seeing him standing there in the middle of his spacious house, with the chandeliers, the arched hallways and the empty rooms, the silence rendering even the rain as loud as it can be-- Watching him standing there, I thought he never looked so small--and so… alone.
He spoke first. He whispered my name, his voice full of wonder and disbelief. Then I was wrapped in so much warmth, his arms surrounded me. His smell overwhelming, the sound of his crying even more surprising.
I don't know how long we stood there. My clothes were dripping on his carpet, his clothes. The sound of his cries breaking the silence of his house. My arms were wrapped around his waist and I stood there silently, just waiting.
I've decided then and there, that that was where I belonged. I didn't belong in the local Italian restaurant wearing a black dress and heels--all made up and laughing over some joke a charming Engineer made. He was tall, handsome and more importantly--was crazy over me. He made time for me. He called everyday. He opened the door of his car for me. He was serious with me and he made it clear from the first hour.
And yet as the hours wore on, as I half listened to stories of his childhood and college days, I looked up at the sky and saw it darkening. I wondered how he was doing--if he was somewhere where the rain won't bother him. I wondered if he was thinking about me in the middle of the 6th wake he attended this year in the same way I was thinking of him in the middle of a date with a nice guy.
'Wait…are you crying?'
'What? Oh… oh no. No I'm not' I laughed, 'I'm sorry I don't know what came over me.'
'Am I boring you with my stories?'
'No. It's not that.'
I remembered I had a choice. Someone had told me before. Love is a choice. I've always made crazy decisions when it comes to love. I made career decisions from love. I can move to a different country for a boyfriend, even. What's so crazy about loving the most kind-hearted and genuine man I've ever known?
But I deserved better.
I deserved a man who will make time for me. And I looked right at the man I was on a date with. I deserved that kind of man. Funny, handsome, uncomplicated--
I stood up and apologized to that same man. I walked to my car and sat for an hour inside with my thoughts. I tried to make a pros and cons list for the decision I was about to make. But I couldn't bare to even begin it. Everything inside me was screaming to just go run to him. No matter how much reservations I have, how much cons I can think of--all I can see, all I remember is a kind-hearted man who is alone in the world. Didn't he also deserve to have someone? Did it have to be me? Probably, not necessarily.
But I wanted it to be me.
Because I fell head over heels in love with his soul. The charms, the jokes, the handsome faces they all fade away. He can be of any age at that point in time, he can come bearing different faces and his soul will remain the same. Sometimes it felt like--it felt like I was in love with an angel sent from above.
"I’m sorry." He finally spoke, still hugging me. I waited. "You're right. You do deserve better."
Then he breaks us apart so he can lift my face and look at me. "But for once in my life, I want to be selfish. I want you in my life. I need you but I don't love you because I need you. I need you because I love you."
I smiled warmly at him with tears brimming me again in my eyes. "You are the best decision I've ever made."
He closes the door behind us. His cellphone rings down the hallway but he barely glances back, his eyes just on me. The rain is muffled.
And all I hear is his voice, his breathing, all I feel is his warmth.











