For the things I can't say outloud @forthethingsicantsayoutloud - Tumblr Blog

My head gets really loud sometimes.

I'm trying to work through it. I'm trying to figure it out in therapy.

I'd like to think I'm doing better.

I just have so many doubts in my brain.

2/13/24

I've been switching too much.

I want to crawl out of my skin.

2/25/23

I've decided I can't live in this body anymore. This body has to change. I'm disgusted by it and idk who was fronting the last few months but they are not allowed anymore.

I've gained like 25lbs and feel disgusting. Flab everywhere. I'm gross.

I wish I could control the switching.

I dont want to do this anymore. I don't want to be in pain all the time. I just don't want to.

The pain from my spine is too much. I can't handle being in this much pain. I don't want to be awake. I just want to pull out my spine and fix it.

Trauma I don't know how to deal with:

When I was young my dad was abusive.

Now that I'm an adult with a family, hes trying to help us financially

I'm grateful, but at the same time he gave me a lot of fuckin trauma so I'm not sure how to appropriate my gratitude.

It sucks when you have an addiction of any kind.

I have to explain how cigarettes are extremely bad for yoi and to never start smoking to my kid and then have to also explain why I haven't stopped smoking.

I tried my best. He even was okay that I'd be grumpy for about a week.

I left out the part about it also being an anxiety relief, but still.

I don't want him starting or thinking less of me.

I switched for about a week.

stress is a huge trigger that I apparently can only take so much of before protector comes out. unfortunately protector likes to eat and do nothing, which is annoying as hell, but they don't come out very often, so that's nice.

I have a week of no daily photo and I can't recall much of the week. I'm going to check to see if I took any photos at all.

that's a big tale of who decided to front.

Feb.6.22

I dont want to be me anymore.

When alters want to take turns fronting because cannabis apparently does this. It is a wild ride.

#dissociation #dissociative system #dissociative alters

I'm marrying you in 8 days.

My best friend

My go to

My lover

I cant believe we've come this far

I love you more than I thought was possible

I hate being reminded that I'm raising someone else's kid. That he isn't mine.

I wish he was. He'd be so different.

I want a kid of my own. I want to experience every moment and be able to teach and guide them.

I'm hurt. This hurts.

When can I tell my dad that being abusive taught me that that was love was?

Thank God for psychedelics. I gt to see that's the situation I was with my ex.

Also a reason I dont know how to except genuine love.

My pain level is so bad I'm starting to twitch. I'm afraid I'm going need surgery before I'm 30 and I'll be 29 in a week. It's too fucking much. I can't deal with this pain. Being alive is a fucking battle.

#spondylolisthesis

I keep looking for red flags. Things that tell me I shouldn't marry you. That I should just run away. I haven't found any red flags. Maybe some pink, but even those we make white.

I'm just scared. You're my best friend. I never want you to get tired of me.

I dont know how to accept that you don't think you'll ever get tired of me.

I dont know how to accept that you want people around all the time and it isn't just you not wanting me.

I dont know how to deal with the feelings of wanting my own child but knowing that my physical disabilities and the state of the world will probably keep me from being able to do that.

I dont know how to even like my body let alone believe that you think I'm sexy.

I dont know how to believe that the girls you flirt with won't end up being your next girlfriend or that you won't cheat.

I know that I'm a good housewife and I'm supportive.

But that's it.

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For the things I can't say outloud