i thrash, therefore i am. @fortyouncestofreedom - Tumblr Blog

a story i'd written when i was younger, softer inside, but far more jagged on the out, appeared the other evening. and, after reading, and aching over the girl i'd written of then and inadvertently- so, so unintentionally. i can be so fucking despicable- devoured to the best of my ability shortly after, i read another. about another girl, with the same outcome. over and over it happened, and it is written in stone. i am so incapable of capability. so.....i don't know where i was going with this. i am glad i am on the road. on the run. i am such a dreadful spirit to be attached to for more than a month or two. i am absolutely awful with time. awful, awful, awful.

i bet we'd be friends, you and me. i know we'd be. i know it. we'd talk all morning over coffee, and walk happily to a nearby river or mountain path or climb a string of rocks that lead to a secretsacred waterfall, and we'd play and sing and gaze into the clouds on our backs, and we'd talk and talk and keep on talking, and then we'd leave. somewhere soft, where the music is low, but the music is nice, really, really nice, and we'd eat seafood or noodles or chinese or pizza but never all four, and we'd kiss, maybe. maybe we'd kiss. maybe not, though. maybe not. and we'd grab a bottle of wine or rum or two or three, maybe, and we'd sneak off from the world, back to our Spot. our spot on the mountain we climbed or the river we found or somewhere neat and secret. and we'd drink and talk and talk and talk some more, maybe, or just be silent and hold hands, maybe, too, or both. silent and babbling, all at once, or off and on, or whatever comes easiest. and then we'd kiss. then, we would DEFINITELY kiss. and i'd tell you your eyes were prettier than the stars and i'd mean it but you wouldn't think so. or maybe you would and think i'm crazy. i bet you'd think i was crazy a lot, if we were friends. i bet you would. and i would be. but i bet you wouldn't mind. i bet you wouldn't mind at all. and we'd see each other as often as we could, and hate it when we couldn't. and, maybe we'd travel. maybe we'd be friends while i'm traveling and you'd come. most nobody ever comes with me on the road, but maybe you would. i'd like that. i'd like that quite a bit. i bet we'd be friends. i bet we'd be the best of friends. but we're not. we've never really even talked about anything much. and i hate that. but i've no idea how to change it. i would if i could. if i could think of a way. but i can't.

it finally happened. i am finally not in love with you anymore. it doesn't feel good, really, or bad. it just Is.

you weren't real, after all. i knew it. how could one exist in such perfection? a mirage. a siren. a trap. i was foolish to think it possible. perhaps but, how beautiful a time it was as we dreamt.

sometimes. no matter how long it's been. how adamantly you believe you've conquered the thing. it comes back. you wake up sad. just sadsadsad. and you can fight it. but it's a real fight. not one you pretend to go through. not one that seems worse than it is. but a very secret, silent fight. and it might last for a very long time. the best things in my life have left from these things. i lash out. everytime. at someone. whoever is nearest. sometimes you wake up sad and even though it's been a year, or almost, it sticks. you thought it never would. never again. and then it sticks. sticksstickssticks. and everything melts. run, if you'd like. take back the road that heals. but you'd better run far. run fast. the thing is a monster and awaits your return to the shadows it calls home, mouth salivating with anticipation of your devourment. run.

i know when you've been sad, really sad, truly sad- the mean reds, i can feel it. it's disgusting and my stomach knots as your heart wrenches and i wish to upturn the entirety of the world to make it oh kay again, and as childish vindication over any slight of such a precious anomaly of a person. i know when you're happy. because i'm fine. calm. i smile. i feel your warmth through the walls, revel in your light. that golden, engulfing light. i can smile. my stomach is in knots again, and i know you're unwell. take it all. every piece i have. i saved so much from last time. take it. i want it to be sunny again.

my life with you is over, but, that's oh kay. it was a good one. one of the best and i'll miss you eternal. never leave another, though, if you want them to survive. i only just did. or, even, do. leave them all. you deserve better. better than whoever it could be. and i hope they all survive, too each one and have this feeling this feeling of You to carry forevermore as an impossible standard for everyone they meet thereafter. i hope you love often and it never hurts but when it does i hope it is half as worth it as it was for me. i left you and i was wrong but i think of you always and remember you always and love you always. be weird and wild and smile a lot.

i wish i had counted every time i told you i love you, kept a tally somewhere to look at and finger when the nighttime shadows wrap their hands round my neck and squeeze with haunting whispers, "you never told him and he died thinking himself alone." i wish i had counted how many times you told me, with words and kisses and rides on your back. for those same whispers tell me, too, that you never loved me. i wish i had written of each moment, every. one. i can't remember them sometimes. i can't remember much. i can't remember much at all. i wish i could remember when i saw you last. i can't. i never could. it's because of this thing, a trick i learned. i learned how to control my whole head, in a way. learned how to color over every memory that hurt. years are gone, now. entire years. i did them to smile again. and, i did. i do. i'm good at smiling again. and laughing, too! you'd be happy. you'd smile that smile, that one, the one i liked. i remember that. certain things i've saved. the ones that don't hurt some of the ones that do, but are worth it. i can't do everything. some things i can't color over. when you overdosed beside me, nearly died, i can't do that one. or the cartoon i was watching the day before when you decided to do it, when you told everyone goodbye, all of your friends. i was the only one home. you didn't say a word. i can't color that one. but, mostly, i can. what i wish i'd known, though, before blacking them out: you don't get them back. you can't. even when people repaint them for you. once you color over them, they never come back. i wish i'd written them somewhere. or written something about them. the 'i love you's, mostly. i wish i'd written those somewhere. because i can't remember them. not a single one. and, sometimes, when it's especially dark, when i am especially dark... the night time uses this against me. and i wish it never could. but it does. and i am scared.

i made a lot of promises i simply never kept, didn't i? lies, you'd call them. they were never meant to be. not those ones. not those promises. they were truly meant to be plans, blueprints of our future. but they weren't, were they? no. no, not quite. not at all. it could be said that they were your lies or mine or that they were snuffed out by the eternity they would take to grow into something real. something that bore fruit. they were seeds of plants that simply couldn't exist today. if only they'd been planted sooner.....still, they'd be dead. but, at least for a while, they could have lived. such is the tragedy of mankind. the dreams that never were. the seasons changed and the environment died a bit more each day until it dwindled into something unrecognizable that could and would only produce something grotesque and proportionately toxic or chemically engineered. nothing natural. no produce, no flowers. the stuff of nuclear immunity. cockroaches and sulfur. disgusting little mutant things.... we've learned not to plan, since then. learned not to dream. learned that it is now, more than ever, dangerous to Hope. i wonder what you're doing now, and stifle my vomit as likelihoods arise in emergence from such thoughts- such detrimental fucking thoughts. i asked, once. but, now? now is a different time than then. now is a time when it is far better to forget than imagine. now is the waking from a nightmare born where once a dream lived, then faded. now is a time for coffee in traumatized silence. now is a time to patiently await death's coming. now is a time to die, indeed. and so i shall.

#hope

sometimes, when we’re reading together at our favorite café down the street, she’ll whisper, softly, the words of the things she really likes and i’ll see her eyes spin, softly, still, fiercely, down the lines of the page. and i will sit. silent. stoic. intent on freezing every muscle in my frame, Down to the quiver of my toes, weary to death’s fright of motioning her attention- for even the flicker of a moment- from that perfect Heaven place her mind and soul have found. a place so beauteous that, even watching from my far-off chair across the paint-chipped table, i taste the bliss of that Heaven feel the warmth of its glow. i wish to live in that place in her heart which only she&i know.

#la resistance

my art is dead.

#gif

i wish i were dead or high or something. this is oh kay, though. for now.

this place is loathsome my loathsome. and toxic, but my toxic. these people are shit, but, the best ones live here. i hate staying, hate going, hate it all, once i'm part of it. maybe it isn't anything else, just me. yeah s'bout right. nothin' but me. hatred and love and all. too dangerous for another body. always did say that. no one would listen.

the road has chased me everywhere, whispering in my ear that i-should-leave notion in a language older than the stars. the ancient echoes of wanderlust, of lost and wayward spirits fallen before the idea of Home, refuge had laced itself down the ephemeral waves from the ethereal, into reality. they echo echo echo and, one must answer back.

we're off. so long, sweet bigbend. so long james and philly and elijah and everyone we love. onward? (at Big Bend National Park)

maybe just one more for the broken dreamers.

one more.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

i thrash, therefore i am.