y’all i’m reading this book my pastor wrote on how all the hurtful labels we accept for ourselves (i’m dumb, i’m unloved, i’m unimportant- etc) aren’t true and that our identity is not in those things but in who god made us to be and this is changing my life- i am literally crying through every chapter.
i’m realizing how there have been so many different events that have happened over my life (and at as early as 4-5 years old) that have led me to feel that i’m unwanted and unlikeable and not enough for people.
and without realizing it, i’ve adapted how i live to fit those labels. i constantly apologize for things that don’t warrant an apology, i overthink everything i say or do out of fear of what others will think, when my close friends say nice things to me i brush it off like they’re just being nice instead of genuine, and it has gotten to the point where i have stopped trying to make friends because i’m so filled with anxiety in social situations because i never feel like i can just relax and be myself.
i was struggling with loneliness before i moved out of state, but after moving it only got worse. i see people i’ve tried to make friends with hang out in group settings and i’m not invited, old friends stopped reaching out me, and the few people i really count on have all gotten busier or are incapable of being there for me to the same degree that they once were.
so i convinced myself that there must be something wrong with me. if someone wanted to be my friend, they would. if my old friends wanted to keep in touch, they would. i drew back because i felt unwanted. i know it’s not true, but i’ve convinced myself that it is. i’ve allowed my feelings to control what i believe to be true.
my hurt feelings haven’t miraculously disappeared, my mindset hasn’t suddenly done a 180, but i believe this is the very beginning of freedom from these labels. i even believe that this past year of feeling so lonely has led me to this place. i’m being pushed to deal with these things that i have been hiding in my heart and suppressing for years and years. it is so liberating to deal with this, and let god heal the things in my heart that have been hurting for so long.
i believe our generation has done a lot of awesome work in breaking mental health stigmas and starting those conversations but we keep allowing ourselves to tell self deprecating jokes and give into things that dictate our “worth” – i used to have this app that would tell me who followed and unfollowed me on twitter. i became obsessed with the idea that if someone unfollowed me i needed to unfollow or mute them because otherwise i would always be sad when i saw them on my feed. as if my worth was dictated by a person i never met following me on social media. we’re more than that, friends. i decided today to delete the app. it was creating a toxic mindset, feeding these false labels. i’m more than that. i don’t feel it yet but i’m going to keep speaking it until i believe it.
anyways, life is really hard but it can be so good and we wouldn’t grow if life was easy. feelings are important and dealing with stuff is important and being honest is important. knowing your worth is super important. even if you don’t believe it right away. you matter and anything that leads you to believe otherwise is a straight up lie.
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