FosterNWA

Adoptive mom, homeschooling, still fostering?

[fosternwa]

Life lately

Still surviving, which counts for something. The boys are going back to school this fall (can’t remember if I posted about that?) and so am I. It’ll take a couple years for me to get the post-grad credential I’m going for, but once I do my job options will be much more ideal. Teen is still procrastinating community college, ugh. He is working though, so that’s something! He and I definitely clash plenty, but he’s a good kid and I think/hope he believes I care a lot about him. Husband - we’re sort of separated...and no, “sort of” separated doesn’t make any more sense to me than it does to anyone else. It’s just so messy and I have no idea how to move forward so I’m just...not? At this point I’m basically okay with stay in limbo for the next couple years while I finish my credentials and figure out what life is going to look like. It’s been a tough couple weeks but we knew it would be so That friend and I planned this weekend to be a girls trip! Could not be more excited. So that’s where that’s at.

[fosternwa]

Not handling life very well at the moment. I just want to run away. Seems like it would all be better off without me anyway.

[fosternwa]

I just don’t feel like I can do this anymore. What “this” specifically even is; I’m not sure. Randomly over the tiniest things I just get hit with this feeling of wanting to give up, run away or die. Maybe I should put the kids back in public school. Maybe I should make my husband leave. Maybe I should just leave.

[fosternwa]

Well, so obviously my marriage is not great again. I don’t know what’s going to happen with that but I just don’t even know if I can ever forgive him, even if he doesn’t do anything shady from here on. So there’s that.

Relatedly, we are no longer the plan for Little Brother’s placement when he gets out of residential. A couple weeks ago I told my husband he needs to leave again (some of the same issues reoccuring - not to the extent of abuse, but being dishonest). He ended up talking me out of it for now, which I hate, but I just don’t feel like it’s stable enough to bring another very high-needs kid into. If he moved out, Teen could stay, but I couldn’t keep everyone in the house safe with Little Brother by myself.

I just hate it so much because LB is really such a good kid and I have no idea what’s going to happen for him. We’re still taking him on the weekends so he can have his passes from residential, but I don’t feel like his worker has ANY ideas for him long term. Ugh.

Teen is doing great, he passed his GED last month, got his drivers permit this week and is taking initiative to apply for jobs. So so proud of him.

I feel like a shitty mom because my marriage issues are zapping my patience/energy/general will to live. Also, I’m starting counseling this week, mainly because I legit feel like I’m too depressed to be a good mom and that just isn’t okay with me.

[fosternwa]

A real update: by family member

1. Spider-Man: sweet kid. Current strengths: improving in math, actually funny sometimes, so kind with the new boys. Current annoying trait: arguing/tattling all the damn time. Has lost almost all of his front teeth which is adorable. Too bad I’m a terrible tooth fairy, I think I still owe him from last week.

2. Batman: In a super arrogant stage. He’s “THE BEST” at everything. Thinks he knows everything and is never ever wrong...shoot me. Positives: independent, improving a lot in writing, which used to be a huge struggle for him. Definitely having attitude issues.

3. Flash: super adorable, super smart, SUCH AN ASSHOLE lately. Last week he intentionally broke Spider-Man’s new glasses while he was begging him to stop and give them back. Literally no discipline can curb his love for anarchy and disobedience. I’m sure it’s just normal pesky little brother behavior, but jeez, kid.

4. Teen: took admission test for GED program last week, so we’re waiting to hear back. I’m so nervous about it. If he didn’t pass and has to keep doing the high school thing, we’re going to need a system to help/incentivize him in actually handing in school work. Not looking forward to that battle, and I just don’t want him to be disappointed and get down on himself/his future if he didn’t pass this time.

5. Hulk (blog name for teen’s brother, staying with superhero theme I guess): still inpatient, but we’ve been taking him out on a pass on Saturdays. This weekend we’ll actually have enough time to bring him back to our city instead of just killing time in the city where the facility is. So far all the passes have been without major incident, so I’m hoping that continues this weekend.

6. Husband: working really hard. He’s a great dad, and he’s not pressuring me for things to be all okay or back to normal, so I feel like we’re doing okay. His family is so damn insane; they’re refusing to see us because of Teen. What the fuck ever, who needs them anyway.

[fosternwa]

Update on the boys:

Still really enjoying teen. Life is so tough for him right now, but I’m so proud of him for expressing himself in a healthy way and doing things that are good for him long-term even when it’s hard. I’ve been reading about adolescent anxiety disorders and want to talk to him about how he’s feeling. I’m not sure that he actually does have an anxiety disorder...it seems like everything he’s worried about is perfectly rational and not out-of-proportion like it would be in GAD or something. Does it count as “catastrophizing” if it really is a catastrophe?

Teen issues are complicated. GED or diploma? How the hell do we get a license with no birth certificate? Job, or focus on school? Feels like there is no “right” answer, and ultimately it’s up to what he wants and is invested in.

Little brother: still in a facility. I got to meet him last weekend. I was so nervous but it seemed to go pretty well; we got to take him out on a pass and nothing disastrous happened. Per his therapist’s recc, we’re bringing the other boys down to meet him this weekend. Fingers crossed. Our ability to keep them safe around him will pretty much decide how long until he’s released and placed here.

[fosternwa]

The new kids

I still don’t have great blog names for them, so for now we’ll go with Teen (16) and Little Brother (7).

Teen has been here almost a week and hasn’t run away or anything, so I guess that’s a win! He has a history of some not good choices, and looks a little scary at first, but he is such a great kid. His goal is to get his GED. Turns out there’s lots of red tape and many people who have to give permission for that to happen for a kid in care. Teen really doesn’t want to be in school, but he’s doing an awesome job of showing up and giving some effort while we wait for the GED thing to be figured out. I’m not 100% sure that a GED would be better than a diploma for him, but I understand his reasoning for wanting it. So far he’s been compliant and respectful - not afraid to state what he wants, but willing to do what we ask him to do. Plus he’s funny in a deadpan sarcastic way, which fits right in here.

Little Brother is not here yet, and we’re not sure when he will be. He went inpatient for mental health/“meds adjustment” last week and hasn’t been released yet. We’re having trouble figuring out whether he really needs to be there, or whether his worker just wants to get him sufficiently drugged up so he won’t disrupt his first placement. It sounds like DCFS is really pushing for him to be hospitalized longer, which...should be up to the docs? I mean, I don’t want a raging little boy tearing up the house any more than the next person, but keeping him in a hospital environment for months until he’s zoned out on mood stabilizers shouldn’t be an option. We’re pretty nervous about this placement, but he deserves for someone to give him a chance, and his best chance is being placed with his brother. That’s why we said yes in the first place - we felt like there was 0% chance of the two of them finding another placement together, with the history they each have.

That’s not even half of it, but this is too long already. More to come.

[fosternwa]

Haven’t posted in a while because I’m not sure what to say. But since this is my space to write, sorry, you’re all going to get a front row seat to my terrible choices.

Husband moved back in, which was sort of okay with me. Judge away, it can’t be worse than what I think of myself at this point. I just can’t even sort out how I feel about it all and it changes by the day/hour so I’m afraid to do anything to change the situation either way because I know I’ll regret it.

Took a new placement, 16 yr old boy. Probably not going to be an easy one according to his history. Also has a younger brother in a facility right now who may come to us when he’s released. Updates and blog names soon, since they might be staying a while.

[fosternwa]

Whining Wednesday

Fuck everything. I’m freaking the fuck out about the holidays. I’m so tired of being treated like shit for no reason by Husband’s family. We’re trying to make the holidays work like normal for the kids’ sake, but that means putting up with them. I should not have to fight to be treated with basic human respect on Christmas, okay?! Husband is getting on my last damn nerve with pretending to be all understanding when really HE CREATED this problem so screw him. And I feel terrible because I have no patience with my kids today, basically being total bitch mom.

[fosternwa]

Friday 5

1. It has been A Week. Had some emergency respite needed for some kids we’ve watched before, so we had them a couple nights. A friend’s kid got suspended from school 2 days, and she couldn’t take off work, so he came over during the day those days. Tonight and tomorrow we’ve got Sunshine and Chunk.

2. Batman is weirdly refusing to go to an event tonight that he usually loves because he’s afraid someone else other than me will pick him up/I won’t be able to find him? Whatever, he doesn’t have to go, but I wish I understood more about why this specific fear is attached to this specific event.

3. Christmas feels very anticlimactic this year. Doing Christmas brunch with the in-laws, ugh...we already traveled and saw my family for thanksgiving so that felt like the bigger holiday to me. I’m sure the kids will be excited about their gifts but there’s no one “big gift” that I’m super excited for them to open on Christmas morning.

4. Marriage (still separated) still very confusing. A huge part of me feels guilty, but also pretty resentful that I’ve put up with SO MUCH SHIT so I should be able to have things I want too, dammit.

5. Today has just been sorta ugh. Partly my fault, I just don’t even want to deal with another day of rain, kids bouncing off the walls and bickering. Very distracted, see #4. The morning was rough but it’s almost 3pm so we’ll survive.

[fosternwa]

You know when you have a fuckton of kids in the house and “bedtime” is more like an hour of Whack-a-mole?

[fosternwa]

Fuck having so many feelinnnngsss right now. The marriage thing. The other thing. Ugh. And about being out of state for more than a week with family, so can’t really do anything about any of it. Not that I really know what I’d do if I were home...probably something stupid so it’s maybe a good thing that I’m not. I don’t know, I’m 26 years old and half my friends my age aren’t even married. I’d never regret the choices that led me to any of my kids, but sometimes I feel like I made way too many life decisions before I was ready. In my weird Bible Belt state it’s normal to be married young, but yikes.

[fosternwa]

Sunday Six

1. Our entire group of friends, kids and adults, came down with a stomach bug this weekend. We were all together on Thursday and somehow ALL got it. Ridiculous. I was one of the last to get sick so I’m not sure if I’m totally over it yet. The kids were troopers about it though, watching movies and sleeping between throwing up all day.

2. We’re leaving on Thanksgiving for my parents’ house. Husband is coming for a few days and then going back for work, and the kids and I are staying for another week. A month ago I’d have said no way I could handle a few days with Husband, but I feel like it’s gotten easier in the past few weeks.

3. Marriage stuff...this separation has been a lot longer than everyone expected, but it seems to be helping. It’s given us both time to detangle emotionally, and sort out what we need for ourselves instead of just arguing. It sucked to basically tell my husband that our marriage may be over, but in some ways it was the only thing that could let him really pursue therapy for himself instead of just try to “prove to me” that he’d changed. Idk. I could ramble about this forever.

4. Spider-Man lost his first tooth last week! I can’t believe he’ll be 8 in 3 months. I don’t feel old enough to have an 8 year old.

5. All 3 boys are progressing so well in school. I can definitely tell Spider-Man is going to have a harder time academically, it just takes him a little longer to understand new things. I’m trying to remember that there’s no rush for Flash to necessarily be reading and writing anytime soon, he’s only 4.

6. Winter weather is the worst. I miss the sun already and it’s only November.

[fosternwa]

You know what’s not actually the best part of parenting?

2+ kids with simultaneous stomach bugs.

[fosternwa]

Fucking lice FML

Nooooooo

[fosternwa]

Saturday six: 6 reasons toddlers drive me up the wall*.

*note: Yes, I understand all children are precious, it’s a normal developmental stage, etc. But let’s be real.

1. Only want to do what the big kids are doing, especially if there’s no way that’s possible. Bead crafts? Yep. Uno? Deal him in.

2. World’s messiest eaters. Every meal leaves their spots looking like an episode of Dexter. Will not accept help with utensils.

3. Cannot be reasoned with. I swear I’m not trying to starve you to death, but the frozen pizza has to cook before we can eat it. Lying by the oven sobbing will not speed that process.

4. How the fuck did your right shoe cease to exist between home and the grocery store?! Swear to god you had two shoes when we left home 10 minutes ago.

5. Absolute tornados, can rearrange your spice cabinet in under 60 seconds.

6. Bathtub shit. Enough said.

[fosternwa]

Sunday six

1. Apparently forgot to update that Kitty and Bear left about a week ago to go to relatives. Great kids, glad we met them even though it wasn’t for long. I hope things go well for them there.

2. Spider-Man: Seems older every day. Progressing well in school, even though learning definitely isn’t as easy for him, but he works hard and pays attention. His sense of humor is developing into being actually funny, which is so fun to watch. Relationally doing well, although he doesn’t seem as interested in playing with his brothers lately, but gets along with them fine. He’s been sort of refusing to call Husband “Dad,” but hasn’t been acting up for him while they’re with him on the weekend, so not sure what’s up with that.

3. Batman: Simultaneously SO smart and SO boneheaded. Academically he’s blown right past grade level and is about a year ahead in math and reading (and considering that he’s the youngest he could be for 1st grade, that’s something). He learns new things SO quickly, especially math. But at the same time, he literally does the dumbest impulsive shit. Jeez kid. And he always acts shocked when he gets in trouble for it. I still struggle with him the most out of the three of them.

4. Flash: Also growing up so much. He’s still a bit unpredictable and throws mild little fits occasionally, but he suddenly operates like an actual logical person 75% of the time. The learn-to-read book has helped so much. We’re moving through it at our own pace, but he’s really making progress. So glad; last year I felt like he’d NEVER learn his letters.

5. Husband/marriage: train wreck. Honestly I just feel like it’s gotten worse and I trust him less than I did right after the major incident this summer. It’s not even anything huge, just repeated small lies and manipulations no matter how much I tell him I need him to rebuild trust. At this point I feel like I’m happier with him not here. I’m not sure what it would take to move us from separation to actual divorce. I hate the finality of divorce, but after a while if it isn’t getting better then I need to accept it. Also the logistics of that are completely overwhelming to me. Right now we aren’t arguing over logistics like money, time with the boys, etc, so I don’t want to mess with that.

6. Thinking about the holidays is really overwhelming. How to deal with marriage/in-laws situation, my brother’s wife is having a baby and various parts of that situation have been stressful for them/my parents, and an extended family member was recently diagnosed with cancer (in another state) so ideally I’d like to visit there but not sure how to work that out. Ugh, how is it already halfway through October?