It’s a relief being back in New York. I’m realizing that I’ve missed the low-stakes freedom of expression blogging offered me for years of my life. With the speed and variety of everything happening, it’s easy to forget where I am, what I’m doing, how I’m feeling, etc. After failing miserably to check in with myself this summer, revisiting my blog here is my solution.
I saw the movie Holy Spider today at the IFC Center in Greenwich Village. I essentially never go over there (or the west side in general), but there was a time when i did. It brings back memories of a really tumultuous time in my life circa 2019 walking past the piercing shop and caffe reggio. reminds me that change is a good thing (something I know but we can all use reminders, at least I can right now).
The film was beautiful. It feels like a rare privilege to consume media in a western context framed in my mother tongue, Farsi. Watching the film made me realize the allegiance I feel to my people in iran and the disdain I hold for the regime (and that I’m ready to advocate for change, even if it feels like some futile, virtue-signaling pursuit). Because of social media, in my head solidarity has been framed as virtue signaling. But I have nothing to prove. And solidarity, historically, is a worthy pursuit. I met a woman in the bathroom after. We chatted. She’s gonna send me some protest info.
I’ve previously never written or spoken openly about my views toward iran’s regime. One can guess where I stand, but since I’ve returned every year these past 23 years of my life to see my family, it’s a topic I’ve stayed away from. And I’ve been determined to return, despite my profession in journalism (one of the regime’s least favorite). But my family says it’s too dangerous for me to return anytime soon, especially with protests. I will return soon. I will see my grandma. But until then, I will use my voice. In the right ways (article pending).
I wanted to go sit in the park but I’d rather sit in my room and talk things through with myself today. Plus I have an article I’ve gotta write asap (different article from aforementioned). I woke up this morning feeling happy. I am making some major changes in my life surrounding routine, discipline, action, outlook — a major and long-overdue overhaul, if you will.
I wonder what my tumblr friends from 2013-2016 are up to now. I still have like 13k followers on this blog but imagine that most accounts are inactive now and have been for some time. This public diary is more for me than anything, I’m not expecting anyone to read it (maybe years down the line or sooner it will be super relevant, who knows). But I’m doing this because my notes app and google docs are an absolute mess with similar entries and thoughts. This feels organized, deliberate and it’s faster than writing by hand in a journal.
I’m going to clean my room and read a book. Write this article, share it with a friend to look over. Tomorrow will be a super fun and busy day. I’ve been doing little work and much play these past two months and that doesn’t square with what I’m interested in doing, accomplishing, all the things I will do, etc. Hence the balance, discipline, routine thing.
My hair is red now. Love love love it. Can’t believe I didn’t dye it sooner. <3
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