The Madness of Me n' You

Thoughts and stuff on getting through it all... Especially the heartache, oh yeah, the heartache... var sc_project=6625634; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="be6ef955";

[foxy-lf]

Still miserable as fuck

Let down yet again. When personal situations keep striking you down deeper and deeper into despair. Constantly trying to reverse the process gets tiring. I just feel like "theres no point in living" anymore, and have for several decades now on and off. Relationships never fail to hurt n disappoint.

[bossbitchtips]

[foxy-lf]

bossbitchtips:

Saw this on The Parkers :)

[foxy-lf]

You know...

..when we spoke the other night, and you told me of your undying and desperate love for me, and how you would and had never felt the same about anyone else, and how it killed you to think of me with anyone else, and all those things...?

Sure, I loved to hear all that, but you know what? Your words are sadly cruel and empty for me, because as you keep reminding me, you can't and won't commit to me or anyone else, and probaly never will. So why say  those things in the first place, when u know how much it hurts me to hear your say them?  You have notihng to offer me, except more pain, disappointment and misery.

Why do you, and how can you, treat me this way?  This is not love.

Your words drip like venom from your dispicable, yet kissable lips, and I'm lost in your untold promises for our 'future', a future that I know will never come.

I lost myself in you, hoping to be found, but you pushed me back down into the dark and lonely place I always feared.

I loath you, and I love you.

Eternally....

[foxy-lf]

Horny Fucked up Shit...

Still thinking about u n me, and all those amazing, intimate, crazy fucked up times we made love, like animals....Shit, I miss that, how u expect me to be with someone else after that? U r the best mothafuckng lover I ever had., in 35 yrs of fucking, you are it..and I'm yours..

I need you to grind like your hips, like you're working for tips...

[foxy-lf]

Luv 2 Luv U (original) (by cysubtor)

Run your Fingers thru my hair, and squeeze my...ohhh luv 2 luv u baby ;)

[foxy-lf]

I haven't...

...left the house much this week, as it feels there's nothing to look forward to anymore and everything seems so pointless this past year. I blame it all on the heartache and disappointment I've been thru, and I just cant take it anymore. It's sucked the life/hope right out of me, and to be let down so badly by two people, it sucks big time. Can't even be bothered to go and post my friends birthday card today, as it means getting ready and shit, and driving up the road. I just soooo can't be bothered with anything, and it's upsetting me no end.  Just waiting for my life to start again, and my head to catch up with (badly) broken heart....

Waiting for something that never seems to arrive...

FUCK IT...I feel fucking lousy and desperately alone.

[kushandwizdom]

[kushandwizdom]

[foxy-lf]

Verse Simmonds - Boo Thang ft. Kelly Rowland (by VerseSimmondsVEVO)

[foxy-lf]

Best played with headphones on, to appreciate the DEEP BASS!  Oh, yeah! The Notorious B.I.G. Nasty Girl Ft. Nelly and Jagged Edge Official Video (by segafanforeververv2)

[foxy-lf]

Why the fuck am I still hurting myself by talking to you? You bring me nothing but heartache and sorrow. Stupid me for thinking that it could ever work after all the shit you brought to my door, and more fool me for wanting it to.

Note to self...take a deep breath and let go, let go, just let it gooooo......for my own sanity, not yours.

[foxy-lf]

All my feelings about you and more....

[foxy-lf]

I still don't understand. 

If you're so in love with me, miss me so much and dream of me every day, why aren't you here with me now, and why did u go away?

[foxy-lf]

Because none of it was ever worth the risk. on We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/11699810

[foxy-lf]

Thoughts and feelings around abject despair...

Every night I go to bed, and I hope that tomorrow will be better, and that I will have the emotional and physical energy to start living my life again. Do all the things I used to enjoy, to go running and training again, get fit and enjoy wearing all my nice clothes again, start socialising and having fun and enjoying what I have worked so hard for. To be appreciated and part of someone’s life. To have friends and enjoy doing things. But I don’t.

And every morning I wake up with a pointless sinking feeling, barely able to get dressed, neglecting not only myself, but my environment. I’m lucky if I get out of my dressing gown some days, let alone have a wash or brush my teeth, and  I’ll often open a bottle of wine by lunch time, which leads to two bottles by the end of the evening, plus chain smoking my way through countless packets of cigarettes, in a pathetic attempt  to stem the empty shit  painful, pointless way I feel these days.

I drift between the bedroom and the dining table like a fucking amoeba , often so worn out that I work from my bed with my laptop, barely scraping thru the day, unable to recognise the person I see before me in the mirror, growing increasingly fat and out of shape, and increasingly miserable and without purpose.  My life is empty, and I have little or no interest in anyone or anything these days.  Not all of that is about you, but the heartache and terrible sense of abandonment I feel about the way you handled things, and the way it left me feeling is indescribable, and at times threatens to overwhelm me with grief and despair.

Sometimes I shop online, to relieve the boredom and empty spaces, and end up buying a load of clothes that I will probably never wear, or can’t get into, because I refuse to accept that I am no longer a size 'small' and I refuse to have clothes any larger than that in my wardrobe, as I’ve never been the size that I am now, so I sit and look at them and think how I’ll slim back into them again, but the motivation escapes me right now.

I have no idea where all this will end up, and I often feel so out of control and so low, it scares me.

I really don’t know what to do or where I’m headed anymore.

I feel trapped in a web of my own misery, and I’m having trouble getting out.  I need someone to rescue me from myself, but they never come, and I’m too exhausted to go out and find them.  So here I sit. And there you sit.  Apart, but always longing to touch each other again.

 And I guess we always will...

[foxy-lf]

Another day wasted...

Thinking of you, as I'm lying in bed and crying.

Haven't got out of my bed properly for months in fact, only when I really have to. I feel safe here. Safe from having my heart broken again.  But it still hurts.

I'm worn out with it all. No energy left.

and I'm so dreadfully miserable without you.

[kushandwizdom]