this is not a tragedy story.

writing

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frgmntz.wordpress.com

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thanks for your reply; it's reassuring to know someone who was in a similar position as me finished. i want to take my time but at the same time am terrified of how it'll worsen career outlook for me (i've been out of school for years and not really working), not really sure where to start from here. don't worry about having all the answers, it honestly just helps relating to someone. thank you

of course, feel free to ask or send me anything else here and I’ll try to help. as corny as it sounds, I would recommend starting small and setting goals that can be achieved in a few weeks or months. I found that setting longer term goals like finishing school by a certain time or getting a certain job ended up stressing me out more because it seemed far away and unattainable. start small and work from there. I hope everything works out.

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how did you get through uni while also dealing with mental illness? i haven't been able to finish and have withdrawn numerous times... it's been years. sorry if this is a hard question to answer but honestly any insight helps. knowing someone else did it helps.

sorry, I haven’t logged onto tumblr in a while and just saw this. I’m going to be honest and say that I wasn’t ready to go back. after my first year when I was back home in san francisco, I initially wanted to find a job and work for a little first. I didn’t feel ready for school nor did I have a desire for it. all I wanted to do was get better and I thought having a job or some kind of responsibility would be more beneficial for me at the time. my parents disagreed and forced me to enroll into community college. I did that for a year, reapplied, got back in, and started summer school at ucsd. I was gone for exactly a year, and during that year I secretly saw a therapist at community college and hid it from my parents. she was the best therapist I have ever had, but I was no where near healed and when I went back to ucsd I knew it. the next two to three years were a constant battle of still being depressed, barely making it by in classes, but feeling like I had no choice but to finish. looking back, I wish I had taken my time. instead, I was ashamed and wanted to finish in four years like everyone else. those four years seem like a blur now. I made friends and lost most of them. I was in relationships when I was barely stable enough to sustain myself. it’s really hard to do well in college when the majority of your energy is focused on trying to be mentally okay. my advice would be to take all the time you need, even if you don’t want to. healing can’t be rushed. it. take your time, be patient with yourself, and try not to compare yourself to how those around you are doing.

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you are not your illness. at its core, depression is a voice inside your head telling you that you’ll never make it. that you don’t deserve good things. that you should be alone because you have no worth. after six years, it has become extremely debilitating. I’ve led a stagnant life because I assume that I am not smart enough. a lot of things seem too ambitious, or out of my control and realm of capabilities. but I am so tired of feeling unhappy and out of touch with the world around me. I haven’t fought and survived it for this long to end up with nothing. I am a fighter. I can endure so much pain. I have to remember to be proud and believe that despite the tiny voice in my head that tells me to give up every day... I can’t. 

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I’m disappointed to share that I still feel very much the same as I have been, all of these years. most days I don’t know how to feel. I am just here. if anything sometimes I try not to feel. I’ve come to realize that I don’t believe myself to deserve good things. I don’t do it intentionally. everyone deserves a chance to make it and be rewarded for their efforts. did I do this to myself? I know the answer is no. there have been two occurrences in my life where I told myself, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. it was out of my control. as though I knew that years later I would sit upon my bed ruminating at night. it is so difficult to be able to see contentment every day around me and to feel so disconnected from it all. I recognize good things. I can find the silver lining in any scenario. but I cannot feel it. and there is a little voice inside of me every day that tells me that I am failing. 

[nevver]

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my mind is incredibly tormented. it has always been. it's just a matter of choosing how much you let it affect you. some days, barely at all. other days, so much that you'd rather destroy it. but I am still here. still trying.

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can you share your workout diet? i mean what your diet consisted of to help you gain the muscle you have today!

here's an example of something I would eat in a normal day:

breakfast: overnight oats (oatmeal, yogurt, almond milk, fruit)

lunch: rice, chicken breast, assorted veggies (I use frozen because it's easier and I'm lazy)

dinner: salmon, roasted potatoes, assorted veggies

for snacks I'll eat protein bars, fruit, or cottage cheese, and after working out I'll have a protein shake.

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things are going okay. I feel like my life is one big episode of constantly getting shat on. like this is a game and I was made to fight but never get anywhere substantial with my effort. it's getting to the point where I can laugh at it, which I guess is a good sign. it's better than being so upset and defeated that I can't function. I've realized that being angry is a lot easier than being sad. yet somehow it's so difficult to tap into that side of me. and other times a little bit slips out of nowhere. like when I miss a weight and it slams on the floor and my coach needs to tell me to breathe, because suddenly everything inside of me wants to cry and crumble out of nowhere. all I know how to do is repress. I used to think that this meant I was strong. to be able to absorb all the negative things in my life without anyone noticing. the problem is that they never come back out. am I happy? no, not really. but I've gotten used to not being happy. sometimes I tell myself that maybe this happened to me because I can handle it. I would rather it be me than someone else who would go mad and destroy themselves (aka me four years ago). I don't think that I'm a negative person with a negative outlook on life. I try to be nice to everyone. give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to find the good in every situation. but I spend so much energy trying to be okay and normal that I feel like I'm failing at the person I could become if I really tried. I want to design something. I want to write a book. I want to save someone's life. but every day has been the same for so long. and I don't know how to stop it. and I am starting to feel like I am just asleep in a dream where someone made life and tried to make it meaningful. and everyone went along and tried to make something of themselves. when in reality in its most basic form, life is just a series of distractions until you die.

[nevver]

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I’ve decided to make myself strong. As far as I can tell, that’s all I can do.

Haruki Murakami

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Hi - I'm someone who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I want to give myself something to focus on that'll be good for my health. I know you, or it seems, you got into working out. I want to do the same, but I get really self-conscious at gyms, and even when out running... Is this something you have experienced?

hi! yes, when I first started working out I was too scared to go by myself. I felt like everyone was watching or silently judging me. I started out by going with a few friends, and once I had a routine set of what work outs to do and what equipment I needed, I started going alone. it's definitely a learning process and familiarizing yourself with the space around you until you're comfortable. it's also realizing that everyone at the gym is usually in their own world and oblivious to the people around them, even though at first it might not feel that way. you're there to improve yourself and that's admirable, if anyone tries to bring you down for that then for lack of a better word, they're an asshole. it gets easier with time and the comfort grows with time.

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it's time to let go of everything toxic in my life. I've fought too hard to be brought down by something so trivial. today, I am thankful for my struggles because it showed me that this is not what I fought for. I have to go further.

[psych-facts]

Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. Depression is humiliating. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life. It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. Depression is humiliating. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.

Pearl (via psych-quotes)

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