I am always late. No matter how hard I try to wake up early or move faster in the morning, I always end up late. I don’t intend to. In fact, I don’t like being late. But I always get away with it. So now, it’s become a habit. I’m late for work, late for volleyball practice, and late to confess.
Three years ago, I didn’t realize soon enough that I had feelings for this guy. So, he ended up migrating to America before I had the guts to tell him how I feel. All those years, I’ve been torturing myself about it. But today is the end. I’m finally going to tell him.
He just came back to the Philippines to take a vacation from work. I had met him previously but we weren’t alone that time so I didn’t have the chance. This time, I made sure that it’s just the two of us.
You see, I planned this way back. I knew that at some point he was going to come back so I had to create an opportunity for me to meet him personally. Luckily, we were org mates so I got to ask him if he wanted to buy some of our merchandise. I offered to deliver them when he comes back. So now, I’m carrying an org shirt on the way to confess my feelings.
I was about five minutes late to our rendezvous. The sun was already low. Fortunately, he was even later so I have the honor of waiting for him to arrive which I had the opportunity to master in the last three years.
I was standing under a waiting shed when he arrived. I tried not to smile too much. He looked perfect in his collared shirt and cargo shorts. He smelled like roses, just like he always did. He smiled back and all the nervousness I was feeling just vanished.
We agreed to meet in this food street where we used to have his favorite avocado shake. I made sure that they were available before I asked him out so that he won’t be disappointed. Plus, he asked me to buy him the largest cup when he came back. So I did.
While I was carrying two dripping cups full of green slush, we headed to the popular siomai place. When he said he missed them, I never would have thought he’d order about 2 dozens. I laughed. He’s always full of surprises.
As we shared two dozens of siomai and two cups of avocado shake, we caught up with each other. He was sitting across me on a rectangular table as he shared about his work, and the adventures he had on his vacation. Our conversation flowed smoothly and no moment ever felt dull. I never felt looming weight of confessing nor the quick passage of time. I could still remember how happy I was.
Then, it was time for him to leave. I handed over his org merchandise and offered to help him get to his next meeting. I told him everything he needed to know about the public transport he had to take to go there. He had a full schedule because of the number of people he’s meeting while he’s here.
As we were walking towards the waiting shed where we met today, an overwhelming weight fell on me. There was so much going on in my brain. I was so nervous, I think he’d noticed.
I know this was the last time I was going to see him in another three or five years. I’ve replayed this scenario in my head so many times. And I thought about what my reaction would be whatever he said. Yet, it was still so hard and I was running out of time.
As the jeep neared, I thought that I don’t want to be late about this too. I don’t want to regret this moment. I’m not going to spend the next five years waiting for another chance to do it. So I held out my hand and in the strongest voice I can muster (yet still very much weak from nervousness), I asked him to wait and listen to what I had to say.
For a long time, I just stood in front of him trying to form words. At this point I know he was starting to feel awkward. So every time I tried to start saying something (after a very long pause) he would walk away and I would chase him. I didn’t think this kind of awkwardness happened in real life.
After about five minutes of chasing each other and not saying anything, I mustered all my courage to confess because I knew I can’t keep him forever. I held his shoulder and said, “I have romantic feelings for you.”
What he said after didn’t come up in any of the pretend scenarios I played in my brain. He laughed and said he’d tell his mother or his best friend about it. And that’s when I laughed too. In the best way, he lifted the pressure off of me.
I clarified and asked him if he also had feelings for me. He said no but it didn’t hurt because I know that he doesn’t intend to hurt me. He said it’s okay and asked me what I wanted him to say. I told him that he doesn’t have to say anything.
As another one of the jeep approaches, I asked him for a hug and he gave it to me. He offered his hand and I held it. He squeezed my hand just as he boarded the vehicle. He smiled as the jeep grew smaller and the sky became darker.
To be honest, I knew that he’s going to reject me. I just wanted to be sure. I pulled out my phone and sent him a message asking him to take care. He replied with a fire-breathing cat. Somehow, I knew we’d still be friends and that’s enough for me.
Thankfully, I wasn’t late.
