I always liked yellow best

but at some point I stopped admitting it

[framacertainpointofview]

Sept 2014

Finally a habit that isn't self destructive in fact I'm hoping it'll be a little self-instructive It's tough for me sometimes to remember how it went Where it began and how it all got spent It happened so fast but over such a long time I can't seem to place the first roadblock of mine It's not really an amalgam or a combination All along I've well known the source of my frustration From deep inside it wells up in the dark In contrast to the light the shadows are stark Can I claim to want the demons out when all I do is hide? Should I waste time saying that I wish it when I don't intend to try? Answers are easy and solutions are many Everyone's dollar suggestions are only worth pennies The small things I don't mind but the big picture's scary The whole time I've been here I've never been wary Chasing a dream or the next big thing Ignoring the engines but wanting the wings Fuel is irrelevant if you can't leave the ground What am I living for? Just one more round? Killing myself to get to the next day Waiting for an empty one to sleep it away What is the basis for such wanton desires? All that I hope for, consumed in the fire? Perhaps it's a function of this meaningful life To look for the end of the sorrow and strife But to despise inaction and long for the struggle To search for a reason to conquer the trouble I waste so much time in waiting and looking I never stop to enjoy the process of cooking Hunger means patience and thirst means discomfort Satisfaction is fleeting and leaves me disgruntled Why in the world do I want things I can't have? If I were peaceful would it all hurt so bad? Tomorrow, tomorrow. The curse of the unforeseen. More concerned with destination than learning from where I've been It's frustrating, truly, to see the solution Only to be foiled by my own constitution Weakness. Failure. Regret as a legacy. A long road back home as far as I can see Or maybe a short one. Unexpected homecomings Tend to step in and make for shorter runnings But there's no way to know, so it's impotent guessing Making mountains of molehills and wasting energy stressing Does every detail have reasons attached? Do my random plans even have to be hatched? To rest and be content should be my only relaxation Stop allocating resources to latent imaginations Unhelpful and inefficient, tired and dull Turning violent action into an insolent lull Perhaps I should look to a more intelligent one Join my dog and go lay in the sun

[framacertainpointofview]

Discovery

Wrote this a few months ago in the middle of the night. Sometimes when I despair it helps to get my thoughts down, because I often talk myself out of it by the end. I don’t know why I insist on making myself feel this pain it’s like I choose to hold a picnic only when it rains I can’t keep it in check, I can’t keep myself in touch I can’t seem to think about it really all that much It takes the worst part of the best of me and puts it front and center So here comes the unexpected devastation of a blizzard in September I fall down but it’s not me it’s the other one all along I can’t explain why it has to be that way because it feels so damn wrong There’s a part of me that wants to feel, a part of me that’s dying A complete lack of results doesn’t mean that I’m not trying It’s not the darkness that scares me now, I know that I’m so much more So what am I afraid of? The good things that are in store? If I can overcome all this, if I can truly turn the tide Then I have to face the responsibility of all this light inside I won’t be able to just go on and continue the way things were Suddenly all that I’ve done so far would just become a blur All the experiences just wasted time? No point to what’s transpired?
A blank check becomes a footnote just relating what’s expired A terrible truth or a monstrous lie? I am now because I was then. We’re born, we live and then we die. We don’t ever get to choose when. There is no single path for all. There are only guidelines and suggestions. There wouldn’t be a reason to try if there were answers to all the questions Why does it take me so long to start to see things clear? And even more importantly, where do I go from here?
Insomnia is my gift or my curse, and I’ve never been quite sure which One thing I do know, though, is that I never swing at the first pitch I’ve got to get a feel for the bat and try to guess what the catcher’s thinking Before he calls the ball I think for a moment I can see the thrower winking I fear no evil, I fear not death, neither failure nor contention Perhaps the most frightening thing of all is simply complete redemption
If I can climb out of this hole and ignore what might have been I can finally emerge as the strongest player on the winning team

[framacertainpointofview]

It's easier to be myself

When I figured that out, dating became the easiest thing in the world. I always tried too hard to be who and what I thought I should be, to be what I thought would be the most appealing to the girl I was interested in. When I let go of all that and stopped actively looking to date someone, the girl who would become my wife (years later) found me almost immediately and stole my heart without me asking. As I search for success in life, I want to harness that same principle. So no more filters, and no more worrying about what you may think as you read this. I'm me, and I like me, so here I am. I don't know if I'm trying to prove something to myself or not. Come and go as you please, I'll be here all week.