he would listen to frank talk about alice all damn day, he was chuffed to bits they were getting on so well and it made him feel hope for the first time in a long time. âcould say the same about you mate, or me. our backgrounds make you think we shouldnât be who we actually are. iâm not making much sense, am i?â he smirked, he didnât even care for once. and he knew why frank was so grateful, after watching him and elodie explode, it felt like very little to ask for to have alice be kind. âeverything needs to slow down mate, i canât sustain this level of drama all year, iâll drop dead of exhaustion.â
âyouâre practically my brother frank, and weâve been living together for almost seven years. plus weâre just â we understand each other, similar backgrounds and all that. makes it easier of course but iâm sure weâd have been fine anyway.â some people just clicked, but evan was immensely grateful heâd met frank, heâd be lost without him. âto be honest? no, because it didnât end normally. just like me and elodie, the wounds are old but still open because we never talk about it, we just yell and blame each other. and i might be mature about it here but i canât seem to manage the same when sheâs in front of me. i donât think it can be normal when there is hurt involved.â it was a harsh and sad reality but a reality nonetheless. evan couldnât get over what elodie had done, and she felt the same and it ruined everything. but if no one was willing to compromise nothing would change and he wasnât about to be the one to blink, he felt he already had.
âiâve â heard things. itâs nearly impossible to keep a secret at hogwarts. plenty of students saw her duel with mulciber, saw her bleeding in the hallway. i get dozens of reports every day about things that happened here, some are true and some arenât but you confirmed the reports a few minutes ago.â he chuckled, if only it were that easy. âthat might be true but you know sheâll still think it was you, and it partly was. sometimes people have trouble accepting help, sounds like hestia is really struggling. Iâll do what i can about mulciber and the incident but i canât fix whatever is broken between you and your ex unfortunately.â
âhonestly, how are people not quitting while theyâre ahead? we have a whole year to space how these theatrics, but nope. lets cluster it all in the first month, itâs definitely going to help with our sanity --âÂ
this is where he felt most like himself -- where he could speak freely and he wasnât worried about prepping for the next three questions that might follow, ânext year is going to be weird -- not living with you, itâs going to be weird--â it had just dawned on him that this was their last year together, their last hurrah before they were out of here and belonged to others. âiâm going to have to live with a girl --â eyes widening, âhow did that not dawn on me sooner? iâm going to be living with a girl --â he breathed out in horror. he knew he shouldnât feel relieved that evan had been in his shoes, but it was nice to know that there was someone else being driven up a wall due to their ex, âitâs like civility is out the window and i donât know how we got here? i mean, i know -- but to this extent?âÂ
âthank you --â he murmured, âtrust me ev, no one can fix that -- i canât fixate on whatâs already broken, all i can do is try to make sure thatâs not the same fate that falls on alice and i --â he admitted quietly, he wasnât great at relationships -- clearly. he couldnât imagine doing this to her as well and yet here he was, fearing.Â
There was something peaceful about flying at night. Probably because there was no person around and he could test his dadâs brooms without getting caught. He told his dad heâd never ride a nimbus after what happened to his mother, but his dad kept sending new prototypes and this night, he couldnât help himself. As he walked to the pitch, he was glad he didnât see anyone, but that didnât take long as he reached the last corridor. âOh, Merlin,â hiding his broom quickly behind his back. âyeah, yeah,â he nodded as he passed Frank while continuously facing him, the broom still behind his back. Not suspicious at all. âyouâre out late too,â he shot back to focus more on the wizard in front of him. âDid something fun?â
frank couldnât hide his amusement at the sight of the seeker and the broom that he was attempting to hide behind his figure, âiâm also a prefect, tommy--â he chuckled, cocking a brow, âhow about we try this again -- are you going out flying? or were you trying to use the broom behind you to sweep the halls--â
âbecause i didnât know --â he roared, eyes blazing as he watched her every breath, he didnât knew he had any anger left, but hearing her pile it all on him -- he knew that he was responsible, more than she could ever be, but for her to assume that he was aware that it was this bad? that they werenât it. how can she hold that against him? âwhat donât you understand? i can barely understand it right now and you expected me to be that self-aware back then? hestia, not everyone knows what they want immediately, like you. iâll take responsibility for being the demise of our relationship -- iâll take responsibility for driving you away because i get it, i can see it now and itâs sickening and iâm so fucking sorry -- but i am not going to take responsibility for not knowing when to call it. for being confused -- for not knowing that maybe that wasnât the right mow because i enjoyed being with you. we would have moments and all those worries and insecurities would vanish for a second and i would be left second -guessing myself --â he could laugh at what she just said next.
âare you serious?â he knew that he had played a role in her looking elsewhere, but like hell was he going to let her let him take the full responsibility for that, âyou want me to apologize for setting you down the path of being a cheater? hestia, do you fucking hear yourself? yes, i drove you away -- i sent you running and i agree, you should have left my arse, but you sleeping with carrow -- thatâs on you. i know that if you did to me what i did to you -- i still wouldnât climb into anotherâs bed. you became a cheater out of your own choice -- if i drove you to crave love from another, then LEAVE and then pursue someone else. dump me and then do it, you became a cheater because in that moment, you didnât care that i was still present and itâs okay for you to assume that i didnât care about you to an extent that you wanted me too -- but donât you dare pin that all on me. thatâs nonsense and iâll take the fall for as much as you need me too, but not that. i didnât fucking deserve that, hestia --â
âhestia, you could have confronted me as well. you clearly needed closure as well -- i wasnât the only one avoiding this conversation --â he stated, head shaking as leaned against the desk, he needed something to stop him from collapsing to the floor. âhestia, when i asked you out -- i meant it. i loved being around you -- you were fun and kind and i didnât second guess that choice then, youâre blaming me for taking a year out of your life, but why did you stay for that long if you were just as tired?â he wasnât trying to be hurtful, but he wasnât the only confused person reeling from this conversation, why had she tolerated him for so long? she wasnât wrong -- he didnât talk about his family with her. he never knew how to describe their dynamic, they werenât the norm and he was so quick to assume that judgement would reign in his direction, just like it had for the past few days, especially with the betrothal, he never gave anyone the platform to hurt him. âhestia, what do you want me to say?â as she went on about how he had lacked, how he couldnât even open up a fraction of himself to her, âtruly -- what do you expect me to say? i canât go back and change it -- even if i were to open up to you right now, would you want to hear it? i already know my faults as youâve so vividly described them to me, but what are we accomplishing here? all weâre doing is blaming one and another for something that we canât change -- you might call fate crap, hestia and yet itâs another reason why weâre so different and why we didnât work --â
âi ignored you because i didnât know what to say to you -- iâm allowed to be angry. being angry and hating someone doesnât always go hand in hand -- i can hate what you did without hating you --â she wasnât wrong about that, they were in this classroom because of what he had wanted -- because of his incessant need to always be on good terms with anyone, he couldnât stomach having any animosity let alone unsettled business, they were here because of what he wanted. it was always what he wanted. she had withered away because of him and that in itself was sickening. how do you come back from that?
âpureblood enough?â of all the things she had said, thatâs what he was clinging on to him because it hurt the moment -- blood purity was never something he had cared for nor had it ever been an issue to him, him not being able to talk to her -- it was because he couldnât. in that moment he knew that despite what he had done to them -- what she done to them, he couldnât be with someone who thought so little of him. who thought that could ever be a factor, âif that was a factor -- i wouldnât have asked you out. if that mattered to me, i wouldnât have even considered it --â his gaze now truly devoid as the exhaustion settled. he just wanted this to be over. he knew at this point he should be fazed by her screaming -- but it wasnât something that could shake him any more, he was her punching bag in this moment and he could take it -- or he will take it till the moment that he collapsed and begged for her to leave him alone.
âweâre both a broken record -- do you see that?â he asked, âyou keep saying that iâm ignoring my failures when all iâve been doing is trying to apologize for that -- hestia, i could scream out an apology for the castle to hear, but it doesnât mean shit if you arenât willing to listen. which you arenât -- you keep yelling and attacking, if itâs whatâs going to get you through this -- do what you need to do --â
âiâm done -- iâm done trying to salvage something out of this. weâre not capable of it and i donât want to destroy myself in the process, my lifeâs a wreck and thatâs not even adding this into the fold--â wincing as she cracked into him once more, âi donât want to hurt you --â voice small, in this moment he felt like a child being scolded, but she was right. all he was doing now was taking for his own selfish need and he knew that this moment was the last. it was the last that either of them would scream and yell to the world -- it was the last that they would be vulnerable. it was over. a year overdue -- but this was in the truest forms their ending, âiâll keep my distance --â
âyou still donât get it, hestia --â the screaming gone, it was a quiet statement -- one that would be a catalyst for anger so easily, âno one gets it -- this isnât a situation where you have to be a pureblood to get it -- we canât understand each other because for whatever reason, everyone feels the need to have a right to this conversation. why canât the fact that i donât want to talk about it be enough? that i donât want to be in that headspace? that iâm happy to put it aside and try to get through it the way i need too. youâre making this about you and your blood status when it has nothing to do with either. how did this conversation about where my future was heading become about you? i donât want to talk about it, i donât want to talk about it overall and i donât want to talk about it with you -- youâve been preaching about how i donât talk to you, but hestia, you donât fucking listen--â
listening to her tell him how she would have been -- how she would have handled it. it didnât make him feel better nor did it make him feel true regret, because it wasnât what he wanted. she was valid, she could have handled the news with out it being a dramatic affair, but it all boiled down to the fact that he had the right to decide. that this wasnât something he wanted and why wasnât it enough? âthatâll make two of us-- i canât do this again. i donât want to do this again --â
âyouâre the one with your wand out, hestia -- i havenât reached for mine because i would never, so, can you blame me for asking?â he wand was out near his throat. and for a second he wanted her to do it. if it brought her peace then thatâs one thing he could give. despite what he had said before her, watching her sob still shook him - but he couldnât imagine reaching out. the other day, he hadnât wanted to hug her at the sight of what she had been through, but in this moment he couldnât will himself to consider it and it had nothing to do with the wand in front of him. he didnât know her, he barely recognized himself. âdonât --â he stated softly, hoping it was because of me -- he didnât need her to even ponder how this would affect him and alice, his head was already there. if he wasnât scared before, he was surely terrified now, he didnât need her lighting that flame further.
home. she was going home. he knew he should try to stop her but he couldnât. anything that came out of his mouth will now and always be lies to her and there wasnât much he could do about that, âhestia, you do what you need to doâ he muttered, stepping away from her as he tightened up his tie once more - fixing himself. he was broken internally, but he couldnât crack on the surface as well, âi need to get to rounds --â willing himself to look at her one last time, âgood byeâ he murmured, turning around and walking out that classroom -- he didnât look back. he couldnât. he needed this to stick and he needed to do one last thing for her -- the least selfish thing he could do. actually listen and stay away.
evan nodded, that was likely the best approach. just because they were betrothed didnât mean they had to rush things. in fact, they could take their time, it was almost nice. but he also knew frank was the sort to go slow, he needed time to sort out his feelings and thoughts and it would be good if alice felt the same. âi definitely understand.â and there came that slight feeling of jealousy too, because evan wouldnât get that with elodie and he had lost it with emma. sometimes betrothals were terrible things and sometimes âthey werenât. heâd spend his time cheering on his friend and doing what he could to help. âsounds like youâre learning a lot about her, and you like what you see.â he half teased, raising an eyebrow in franks direction. âiâm just happy youâre happy.â neither of them knew how long or if it would last so heâd hold on to this as long as he could he supposed. âlay? no, i think weâve both been busy with a lot of drama. not even a month in and i need a break.â he sighed and laid back on the bed.Â
âi can talk to her, sure. but do you think sheâd be upset that you told me? I mean, i heard rumors but nothing substantial, sheâd know it was you.â heâd talk to the girl but didnât want to get frank in anymore trouble. if anyone knew about irate ex girlfriends though it was evan. he propped himself up on his elbows to look at frank âthereâs no one i trust more in the world to be quite honest, including emma.â and he meant that, it wasnât just some bullshit reassurance compliment.Â
âiâm sorry to hear that, mate.â and he was, he knew it was important to frank but with exes, things didnât often go to plan. there was history and blame and all sorts of things to sift through. âbut at some point you have to know it isnât your responsibility. that hestia is her own person and her choices are not yours to make or judge. I struggle with that constantly with emma, because sheâs vocal about her needs and her reasonings. but i think if i try to take ownership of her choices iâm just being controlling and i donât want to be that guy.âÂ
âoh, thanks.â he teased, throwing a piece of candy at frank. âstill canât believe she got in a physical fight.â he murmered but he was grateful nonetheless. âmaybe you should think about applying that to hestia jones? she punched out a few people recently for calling her a mudblood, took a curse from mulciber and didnât go to the infirmary. i mean, perhaps theyâre reckless choices but sounds to me she can take care of herself mate.â
âitâs hard not too --sheâs just, kind? seeing what iâve seen --â he trailed off, he wasnât going to betray her trust and get into the theories about her family he already had festering in his head, âitâs just -- iâm surprised that sheâs who she is, you know? iâm grateful --â he admitted quietly, the worst feeling he had until they had sometime together was the fear that she wasnât kind. that they were going to despise each other -- that they would blame one another, it was so easy to fall into that pattern when backed in to a corner, but they had been better than that. smile widening as he tossed a pillow at the boy, âthank you--â he murmured, flustered to say the least, if anyone ever wished the best for frank and he knew it was nothing but the truth, it was evan rosier. âbarely a month and all of this happened? how are we going to survive the year?â
âmaybe keep it vague? i donât want to betray her trust -- i also donât want him to go unpunished--â he admitted, âthe feeling is mutual --â he murmured, he would trust evan with his life, âi can only trust you -- no one knows me or my intentions better than you --â sometimes he wondered if the boy knew him better than himself. âyou think itâs ever going to be normal? itâs been more than a year and i canât look at her without reliving it all -- friendship seems like a dream at this point. an unattainable dream --â
âyou knew about the curse from mulciber?â he questioned, eyes widening, âthatâs what i was talking about earlier -- who told you? this is great, you know. iâm not betraying anyone --â relief coursing through him. âyouâre not wrong --â he sighed, âitâs just -- i feel like i need to help her, that itâs the least i can do after everything, but hestia jones doesnât need saving --we should make a pact, to stay clear of our exes or well - try to regain some normalcy--â
âiâm not trying to blame you -- i donât know why i didnât, i donât know why i couldnât -- why it felt so unnatural to talk to you about my life and my fears, hestia -- i was fifteen --â he finished quietly, âiâm seventeen and iâm still struggling, what do you want me to say? the truth is -- you wanted this ideal version of me. thereâs this bullshit persona of me having it together but you of all people know how thatâs the farthest thing from the truth --â it was mixture of despair and anger, he wasnât trying to play the blame game, but regardless of what came out of his mouth -- he couldnât win with her. âall i can do is apologize for not being as ready as you were -- a year -- i know thatâs a long time and yet --â how do you say that it didnât feel right, that it never felt like the right moment to say it. what did it say about them? about him?
âand you think youâre any better in this moment?â he questioned, his gaze reeking of the pain of her laughter, âyou want to communicate about our time together and how disastrous it was and how i know i practically drove you away -- go ahead, it was a long time coming, but for fucks sake, hestia -- you donât have to be cruel. you think this is a walk in the park for me? you think i enjoy keeping it bottled up -- i couldnât talk to you. i could never talk to you because it didnât feel right --â he admitted, his eyes wild with honesty as he breathed out heavily. âwe werenât right and that was long before either one of us broke it -- we were light and we were fun, i donât think we were meant to be anything more than that because youâre right, if i couldnât keep it real from you from the start, maybe i wasnât going to ever, but i did love you -- to the best of my pathetic ability at the time, i loved who you were -- i loved how you made me feel and it wasnât enough --â
âi didnât hate you--â he stated, the exhaustion creeping in, he wasnât arguing his anger and his despair, but he hadnât hated her. he had hated what she had done -- but he didnât hate her, not even in this moment. the only person he hated, was himself. âcan you stop doing that? stop assuming you know whatâs going on in my head and how i feel -- clearly, you donât. as we so easily determined -- i never let you inâ he muttered bitterly, âso donât tell me how i feel -- if you donât believe it, then thatâs on you and your judgement and on me for my lack of expression, but donât tell me what i did or didnât feel. hestia, i didnât say that it was just you -- i might have in the past, but clearly everything iâm saying now, youâre choosing to ignore it and i canât do anything about that. the last thing i want to do is hack us up now and leave us broken and angry beyond repair -- iâm trying to apologize for being a shitty boyfriend and for doing more damage than i thought, but how could i have known? we never talked about it till now--â
âhestia-- thatâs bullshit--â his own feet taken up pacing, âconfiding in my best mate, thatâs emotionally cheating on you? the fact that i couldnât talk to you? thatâs infidelity -- thatâs what youâre painting right now? i made a choice -- youâre right about that, i made the choice to not talk to you, to want to hope that we could cling on to the happy rather than get into the despair -- the same choice that you made when you got mad at me for not keeping it light, for expecting me to be something iâm not--â incredulity in his tone, âi might be a hypocrite and youâre here preaching about how cruel i am to toss your past mistakes in your face, but what are you doing right now? all i can do is apologize for what had happened -- for being the catalyst of the breakup, but i canât change it. me opening up to you now -- it doesnât change that and hestia, iâm back to where i was. i donât know how too with you, itâs not easy --â
neither did he with her -- in this moment, during this battle, he couldnât imagine any happiness that they would bring one another, they were meant for misery and that was clear as day, â-- and thatâs why i didnât want to talk to you about itâ the chuckle that escaped his lips was lacking humour as he looked at her completely devoid of emotion in that moment, âif you think for a second that this is about blood status -- you donât fucking know me nor do you deserve to hear my truth, jones --â her last name escaping from his lips before he could correct himself, âthis is about my family and their archaic ways, you wonder why i confide in evan? weâre alike in so many ways -- the first thing that comes to your mind is your blood status not how my family life could have been, nothing about that drama, because youâre defensive about it, and i donât blame you for that -- considering the political climate, how could i? but iâm not your punching bag, neither is my issues, so stop making it about you being a muggleborn, purebloods canât even wrap their heads around it-- this is exactly why i didnât want to say anything --â he couldnât hide the disdain in his tone, her words - what she had implied cut through him because that wasnât who he was and heâd be damned if he let her make him feel that way. he knew that he had done this to them, now he knew what he truly caused, but he didnât deserve this.
he winced as she lashed into him once more -- eyes widening as her wand was out pointing right at him, he didnât even think to reach for his -- this was the point that they were at and it seemed so fitting that this was their demise, âwonât happen again --â he muttered, hands up, âif you want to hex me, hestia -- this is probably the one chance youâre going to get, i suggest you take it. it might be a relief --â there was no malice there, only exhaustion. âmy selfish need? like you arenât selfish? i can see what i did -- i can see what i did to you and iâm going to have to carry that for the rest of my life, all i can say is sorry, but donât tell me i wasnât prepared to try --you need me to be the frank you want me to be. you need it to be on your terms as well, hestia. you wanted carrow to love you a certain way -- you needed me to love you a certain way and iâm sorry that i couldnât deliver. but look at us, look at where we are -- you canât tell me for a second that maybe we were meant to be here. i couldnât tell you that i loved you while we were together, i canât even bring myself to open up to you now -- the most we have gotten out of each other is us screaming at each other. it isnât supposed to be this hard -- we werenât meant to be--â he breathed out, he couldnât stop the tears for the first time in his life, he was breaking down and he knew that it had to happen. she needed to understand that every move they had made -- any push he made in the wrong direction, her running to another -- if that wasnât the universe telling them that they werenât it, what was?
hands quick to wipe away the trail that was forming on his cheeks, âi donât want you, i donât want to keep looking back and hating myself. i donât know what i want from you and maybe one day iâll know how to answer that, i just donât want to keep doing this -- i want more for myself -- i want more for you, despite what you may believe. love isnât this --itâs not me struggling to tell you even a little about myself, itâs not you baring your soul to me just for me to let you down -- itâs not this. it canât be --â defeat was all that could be used to describe him in this moment. âiâll talk to evan about muliciber -- Â itâs our job to protect students, heâs not going to get away with what he did -- i meant that. i made a promise and iâll keep my end of it. i wonât get into detail, itâs not my story to tell -- itâs your choice what you want to tell him, i wonât take anything more from you --â he promised.
âfine with me.â he said, mirroring franks grin. this was how things should be but he was very much looking forward to the first quidditch match of the season, for them to get out all the stress and take their frustrations to the sky. in fact, perhaps they should just go practice, blow off steam. âyou have no idea how thrilled i am to hear that, honestly. if one betrothal can end happy thatâs more than iâd have predicted. maybe you two might never have considered one another otherwise, but itâs actually a proper match.â fate would be funny that way, maybe it could also blow in evans direction. âmaybe it wonât be bad is sometimes all we can hope for, but i do think you might get a lot more than that. are you and alice considering dating?â they didnât have to but it might be nice, and helpful and evan would be glad to see his mate stay happy. âyeah actually, lucky you.â he moved out of the way so frank could grab what he wanted from the compartment, a loose floorboard theyâd found in second year and had used for such purposes ever since.
the tone changed and evan shut it so he could listen proper. mulciber was a name heâd heard a lot too and the year was so young. he didnât have many details but he knew something had happened to mary macdonald and now heâd read that something had happened to hestia jones. it shouldnât be allowed to continue. âi can call a meeting with all the prefects and the headmaster, including anyone willing to be present as a witness. we can document it heavily beforehand as well so we go in with evidence. I donât know much but i believe you and your reaction says a lot.â evans job was to keep them all safe and heâd be damned if he ever ignored franks sincere anger.Â
âi know you two have a lot of baggage, itâs understandable youâd be reluctant to share every detail of your life with her. and besides you told almost no one of your betrothal anyway, if it wasnât for jorkins iâm sure youâd have kept it quiet indefinitely, as is your right. you get to choose what to share with who, and why. but it sounds like whatever you were trying to repair has you second guessing your decision.âÂ
he sighed, he felt responsible for everyoneâs actions, a real character flaw. âi just worry sheâll do something to get herself hurt. though i suppose if she does iâd step up to help if i could. this situation just royally blows. but i feel in my bones that this is the right thing to do. emma has a history of acting recklessly when she feels slighted, help me just keep an eye on her then?â
âhonestly, i think iâm just focusing on being her friend right now, dating didnât really cross my mind -- weâre partners,whether we chose to be or not -- i just want us to have a solid foundation, you know?â dating had been the last thing on his mind, he couldnât shake this new feeling -- these nerves that came from being around her, it was like a flurry of butterflies, but there was still so much for them to do, it seemed like the least of his concerns. âi think i understand why they chose her --â he admitted, âmy mum is peculiar and she would thrive -- sheâs strong. stronger than i think she gives herself credit for --â he rambled, finishing with a shrug as a small smile stayed etched at his lips. âthank merlin --â moving to crouch down near the snacks, âremind me to restock during the next hogsmeade trip -- iâve been lazy --â
âthat would be for the best --â he agreed grimly, âi think you should have a chat with hestia -- itâs not my place, she was reluctant to agree and i donât want to betray her trust, i just do think we possibly have enough to do something about him -- sealing his fate in detention can only keep him at bay for so long --â weary smile at his lips, âthank you for trusting me --â the fact that evan was willing to act on his word alone spoke volumes and it wasnât the type of trust he would get just anywhere.
âi can practically say good bye to any progress we have made --â he knew he was sealing their fate to some extent, he had always struggled to put himself out there -- even with hestia, talking about the intimate details of his life - it made him feel exposed. he couldnât seem to step out of that discomfort, âi donât know what iâm holding on to -â he admitted, âi think i get why you worry about emma -- i mean, besides the feelings -- its just, i canât shake that feeling of responsibility --â he muttered.
âitâs one of your most redeeming qualities --â he teased, âof course i will, iâm still tutoring her in potions, should be easy to keep an eye out for bruised hands--â a hint of a smile at her lips, âevan, emma vanity is strong. she might be breaking right now -- but sheâs going to be fine, i can feel it --â
when he spoke she felt frustrated, because merlin he was such an idiot. why hadnât she realized heâd think that instead of what she had thought heâd believe? perhaps she was the daft one and it made her laugh again, cheeks flushing with shame. âno, i donât deserve that ââ she corrected, knowing heâd argue with her even though she wasnât trying to hate on herself, she was just being honest with herself. âi did want that with you, i wanted it so badly frank that i gave you everything i had and you couldnât do the same. i felt shut out from your feelings and your life when i shouldnât have. i looked for that in someone else but found nothing there either. so in essence i destroyed an already broken relationship and entered an even worse one. you have no idea how terrible it is to love someone so much and be convinced they donât, or canât, feel the same.â she shook her head, she didnât have the energy to be mad anymore.Â
âand if you believe i didnât think about coming back, asking for another chance youâre wrong. it consumed me, especially this summer. but i knew better, who would want me back, after what i did? it became crystal clear that i am not loveable. you clearly know nothing about me, you donât me at all if you really convinced yourself that i didnât or donât want romantic love in my life.â
âi should have been the focus of your romantic life then, but that didnât work out did it.â it wasnât a question. âthere was always so much you thought you couldnât talk about with me, i see little or nothing has changed. you expect so much from me and give me nothing in return, thatâs why i did what i did.â why not be honest? he needed to hear it. âi let you into my deepest fears, i let you see the physical wounds on my body and the mental toll it took. and you canât even mention, oh by the way iâm betrothed now.â she began to pace near the windows, why did this keep happening to her? it was best she keep up her walls, she couldnât handle all the constant disappointment and heartbreak otherwise. âno frank, itâs about you picking and choosing what your friend, or whatever you think we are, deserves. itâs you holding back details while telling me i should give everything. you want to know about carrow? fine. he never loved me, he was so consumed with regret and pining that we barely spoke, he barely looked at me. I stayed for a year in a relationship that was less than nothing because i was so desperate to be seen and heard and loved after you couldnât manage the same thing. i went from the pot to the fire and despite giving him my body and my mind and my heart i still ended it, completely empty. and you wouldnât speak to me, you never wanted to, perhaps because you were too afraid to hear how you made mistakes and iâm not solely at fault for our failure.â she sneered, she couldnât help it, crossing her arms protectively over her chest. âyou get to deny, to be uncomfortable, to keep secrets. but if i do the same you get upset and throw history in my face and convince me iâm being ridiculous. you still demand so much more from me than you are willing to give. who wouldnât run from that?â
âand if you didnât feel some measure of guilt or regret we wouldnât be in this classroom right now. youâre so keen to defend your choice, i didnât even ask! i didnât care about your being betrothed, i cared about being lied to, mistrusted AGAIN. iâm upset that i made myself completely vulnerable in the midst of all your promises only to find out i wasnât worth â-anything, to you.â the last she said very quietly as the realization of that truth washed over her.
of all things he had expected to come out of her -- that certainly wasnât it, it was the last thing he had wanted to hear because in this moment, he knew he was fucked. plausible deniability out the window -- she had wanted more and his inability to express himself had ruined that for him. maybe he had deserved what she had done? how could he have faulted her in finding happiness somewhere else -- he was clearly incompetent. âthatâs not fair -- hestia, you didnât give me time and the worst part is, you had to wait for us to be done to say all of this to me. i loved you -- i did. maybe i had a hard time saying it and thatâs fucking on me, i know that. i know that i practically drove you to carrow, i know that i wasnât boyfriend of the year, but hestia. this doesnât come easy to me and iâm sorry, but donât tell me i didnât feel the same way -- i just needed time and by the time i felt confident in myself, you were gone and the worst part is, you didnât break it off. you could have just said this and dumped my arse and i would have been a wreck, but it would have been so much better than finding out that you did what you did in our relationship. even if it was battered and tattered -- i would have not looked in anyoneâs direction till i knew that it was truly over --â
there was a gloss to his gaze, it was like all the progress they had made was out the window -- he words were breaking him and it was a reckoning that he had deserved and all but asked for, âhestia -- youâre not unlovableâ he stated, incredulity gripping to every word, âitâs not about what you did -- itâs there. but hestia, it took two people to break that relationship down to the ground and the way we shattered -- i donât know if we could have pieced it back together because i know the damage that i did. itâs not less to what you had done, but fuck hestia -- i felt unworthy. i felt like i wasnât enough, which is so bloody ironic considering that i had made you feel the same -- when i think about us, thatâs what i think about. itâs the noise that makes it hard to remember the good times --â he looked at her with complete and utter despair -- how could she want him? how could she want him after this and the worst part was, it wasnât a thought he could ponder on. alice crouch was at the back of his head whether he liked it or not and every move that he made, it defined them. âi never said that -- i never said you didnât want romantic love or that you didnât deserve it -- i just didnât think you would want it with me, not after everything that happenedâ
âhestia, i could barely talk about it with the people iâm on good terms with --â he groaned, âevan, has genuinely been the only one who has been hearing it all because i canât and the people who knew already have been chewing my fucking head off because they think that i can do more that i donât have to with the choices my parents make -- i needed to talk about it with someone in the same shoes as me because everything i say -- what i do, it doesnât just affect me, it affects alice and talking about her -- it doesnât feel right to do that--â
âi know, i fucked up-- â gaze watching her move across the room -- he had definitely pushed her well past the edge, âno -- i donât want to know--â he started, all it was followed by was a wince as she went into detail of what had happened. was this supposed to feel satisfactory? the knowledge that even carrow couldnât make her happy? thatâs what people say, when you deal with infidelity -- revenge is sweet, but this was sickening. knowing that he and carrow had both contributed with destroying her -- he was going to be sick, âiâm sorry --â was all he could say, if he didnât want to apologize for keeping a part of this to himself, which to an extent he knew he was valid -- he knew he needed to apologize for making her feel like she couldnât be trusted, that was on him. âi never wanted you to feel that way and i know that youâre not the only one responsible for our failure -- why do you think iâve been trying so hard --â taking a step toward her. âyou were hurt and fuck, seeing what he had done to you -- the fact that you showed me, i know what that means. i know that wasnât easy for you to do and i donât know why itâs hard for me to be vulnerable with you -- i donât know why thatâs always been an issue and i canât take it back. i just need you to know that this is on me --â
she could hex him for all he cared, but it wasnât going to stop him from closing the distance, hands on her cheeks -- it was the first time he had even touched her since then and he didnât care, it seemed like the least of his worries, âthatâs not true -- hestia, youâre not nothing to meâ he breathed out, âi knew i should have kept my distance, after everything because it seems like all we bring each other is pain but i didnât, because you are someone i care about. i canât shake that -- i canât shake you and youâre right, i feel regret for not telling you, but i donât want to lie to you and tell you that i wouldnât have kept this quiet if i continuously had the choice -- everything is a mess and i know i should talk about it, the more i feel like i do -- the less control i feel like i have and thatâs my problem--â he breathed out. âiâm sorry -- all i can say is that iâll try to do better. i just -- you mean something to me, and i need you to understand that--â hands dropping to his sides, âdo you think weâre broken beyond repair?â
âthatâs quite true, especially for us.â he laughed, he and emma both could be so stubborn and so particular. no one made either do something they didnât want to, until now. it was new territory for them and neither was handling it well. âsaint like? i doubt that.â but he blushed anyhow.
he was so relieved to hear that frank and alice were getting on, frank deserved that, a happy future and life. âi want to say i told you so, but iâll refrain.â he had mentioned that alice was a good person but to hear frank gush lifted his spirits greatly. this was such a difficult situation and frank had been so distraught, to know he was doing alright helped greatly. âhide as long as you like, i get the spotlight can be a bit much. but you and alice, it sounds good. sometimes a simple conversation is enough but the very possibility you could be happy mate, itâs more than enough for me.â he wasnât even jealous, how could he be? frank was the sort of person who gave so much of himself to others, he deserved both the happiness he was beginning to find with alice and the privacy to do so. âyeah, that paper has been causing a lot of fallout, good and bad. at least we have some of our stash left, some butterbeer and such.â heâd bring frank meals if he had to but thought his mate might be fine come supper.Â
when he brought up hestia evan paused. âyou two are speaking again?â that was a surprise, things had not ended well for them but leave it to frank to be friends with an ex, one who cheated on him to boot. âi canât answer that without all the information. but i want to go on instinct and say no.âÂ
âyouâre right, i canât make it sound like Iâm taking her choice out of it, though it feels like i am. itâs my choice. but what if she falls apart again? i heard a lot of terrible things after our initial break up.â
âweâre going to have to agree to disagree then --â grinning, âsee -- saying that you want to say i told you so is basically saying i told you so, you know?â he could see the genuine delight in his eyes, talking to evan. it was easy --it had always been simple, he didnât feel like he was letting someone in too much, he didnât feel unreasonable, he just felt heard and that was a rare thing. âshe makes me want to try --â he admitted, âi was dreading it and trust me, this is not my ideal situation, but maybe it wonât be bad? i donât feel alone -- which is saying something --â eyes drawing to the stash in question, âdo we have any pasties left? iâm starving and iâm not in the mood to risk a trip to the kitchens--â
âyes -- i mean, attempting. i think we both got sick of the blame game and then she told me some things, speaking of which -- we need to talk have a conversation about muliciber. that fucker is getting out of hand, evan--â all traces of amusement gone, âshe confided in me and it took her alot to do so -- i should have told her, itâs just itâs hestia. how could i?âÂ
âevan, sheâs going to fall apart regardless of if you do it now or later -- you need to let her piece herself together. after hestia -- fuck, i hated everything and i wasnât my normal sunshine self as you remember, it took a while. sheâs going to do what she needs to do and you need to let her, youâre not accountable for her actions --â
he seemed perturbed that she wasnât the same as sheâd been yesterday and that alone hurt her but she wasnât able to let her guard right back down and least, she didnât want to. she was tired of opening herself up, to him, again and again only to be shut out from his life and scolded somehow for being upset about it. he made her feel like he had a right to her feelings and she didnât have the same to his. she might be the guarded one now but she hadnât been, when they were together, it had been him not willing or able to share the deepest parts that she willingly offered to him, that she knew he had to âif he was going to open up she wanted to hear it and that was the only reason she followed him into the classroom.
she laughed at that, as if it was justified. he had a way of making himself the hero, and she by default was painted villain. she hadnât asked for anything from him for good reason, but he had insisted on a relationship of some kind, he had worn her down over and over with guilt and the impression she could trust him. and heâd lied. âyou think iâm upset because youâre engaged?â she shook her head, for a smart person he could be really dense. âyou lectured me, over and over, about trust and all the while you werenât willing to practice what you preached.â
he couldnât help but stiffen at the sound of her laughter, he knew that this wasnât going to be pleasant, but this was not what he was expecting, âno, i genuinely donât -- because you donât want that--â he stated exasperated, âa romantic relationship -- youâve made it clear that you didnât want that with me, so no hestia -- i didnât think that, that part would bother you--â
â--but this isnât the same. how do you not see that? hestia, this is my romantic life -- this is the intimate details of the bullshit that my parents spew my way, this is alice -- things that i canât talk about with youâ frustration clinging to every word. âthis isnât about me getting hurt or just sole family issues -- i can talk about that drama with you, because weâre friends or weâre trying to be. iâm not going to apologize for not diving into discussing the nitty gritty details of my betrothal, iâm not that comfortable and i get that you had to be uncomfortable to tell me what you did and i respect that, iâm not trying to take that for granted, but for fucks sake, hestia -- if you didnât want to talk about carrow with me or whatever bloke you were dealing with -- i would understand. this isnâât about trust for me -- itâs not that i donât trust you, i just donât think we need to talk about whatever weâre up to romantically --â
she laughed, bright green eyes twinkling. â man of the hour just seemed so fitting, â the girl smiled, looking around and halfheartedly shoo-ing the lingering crowd away.  â in my debt ? careful, dear frank, those are dangerous words which will be remembered next time i want to take out more books than i can carry from the library. â
âtrust me -- iâm not one for the spotlight --â smile weary to say the least, it wasnât the type of attention he wanted. âcarrying your books? thatâs all youâre going to try to get out of me? iâll take it -- evans, do you even know how to hustle?â
he felt badly, he kept putting this on frank and heâd always been the decisive one. frank had his own worries, his own betrothal to deal with and while yes, they were best mates, evan was starting to feel he was unnecessarily burdening his friend. âno, we donât. and itâs a dream to find a way out but why tie ourselves up in compromises on that hope? why not just âdeal with our current reality and come back to one another if we can? do you think iâm holding her back, frank?â
the advice was beyond solid, coming from a place of experience, evan knew. frank had been through a relationship ringer previously. âhow are things with you and alice? i havenât asked in some time, iâm sorry.â frank helped evan see reason, to be a sounding board where evan already knew the answer but needed the reassurance. he had to do better for frank, to give and not just take. âbless you mate.â he grinned. âhow do i tell emma? sheâll blame herself, think she did something wrong.â
âno, you canât hold someone back unless they want to be held back --â quick to rid him of that thought, no one attracted guilt like evan did, his conscience was both the best and worst thing -- he couldnât imagine what that internal debate was like. âand stop -- youâre the least selfish person i know, evan youâre borderline saint like --âÂ
âoi -- relaxâ he chuckled, âyou have nothing to be sorry for -- sheâs honestly wonderfulâ he admitted, âi mean -- weâre both clearly messes about this, but merlin ev -- sheâs something. i get why no one had anything unkind to say about her, i wasnât wishing it -- but everyone has something. sheâs just kind and we have a lot in common --â he admitted, âyou were right, a conversation was a good place to start, itâs just our life is now exposed to the world thanks to jorkins and thatâs the exact reason why iâm hiding out in our room. if i have to hear congratulations one more time -- i just might lose it --â a frown toying at his lips as his final worry escaped, âshould i have told hestia before hand? am i a prick for keeping this from her?âÂ
âyou just have to be honest -- donât sugarcoat it, just tell her that youâre not in a place where you canât give it your all and make it clear that youâre doing this for you, not her -- sheâs going to fight you if she thinks youâre protecting her again --â
she couldnât believe he was chasing her down, that heâd even noticed her through his throng of admirers and congratulations. when he called her name she tried to speed up, to weave the crowd and disappear round a corner and be done with it. but sooner than sheâd like he was walking beside her and she was hastily building back her wall âbrick by brick.Â
there was silence at first and she could feel her insides burning. she had no right at all to be upset he was with someone else, but she wasnât upset about that at all. she was dealing with her feelings of hurt and betrayal because heâd not said a word to her, not that he owed her that but it seemed polite since he kept trying to establish a friendship between them. sheâd tried not to, sheâd tried to give him space but heâd insisted so this felt terribly hypocritical. but more than that was just hours ago, when she finally let him back in to her deepest feelings and he couldnât even tell her about this?Â
she recoiled from his questions, from his presence and knew sheâd lost any progress sheâd made yesterday. the duel had changed something and now she couldnât trust him enough to talk to him about it, letting it begin to fester inside her. she put a gentle smile on her face, guarded, easy to fall back into that pattern. âthat really isnât your business.â she said quietly. her healing wasnât, and it couldnât be because of HIS choices. âjust as your life isnât mine.â
and there it was again -- the walls that he had tried so hard to crumble. the walls that had driven them apart and made even the idea of friendship out sight had come back up and he knew that to an extent, he only had himself to blame. âthatâs not fair and you know it --â he muttered. gaze darting to the classroom across the hall, âcome on -- can we please talk? iâd rather do it without an audience, i think iâve had enough publicity for one day --â he muttered, heading to the room -- just hoping that her curiosity will have her give in. if anything, heâd be in a room screaming into oblivion.Â
âhestia, i wasnât trying to keep you out. iâve barely told three people about this, itâs not something you really go about baring to anyone and everyone, especially not your ex-girlfriend. we can barely see eye to eye on the norm, you donât think this would have mucked things up right from the start?âÂ
in the midst of a swarm of students, a vibrant moved through them - long red waves bouncing as she was all but spit out toward the ravenclaw. â merlinâs beard, â she huffed, brushing off her robes as she turned to glare at the crowd. â have you lot never heard of personal space before - give the man of the hour some room, â she finished her subtle lecture off with a laugh, hoping she wasnât being harsh. â you good, longbottom ? â
âyes, merlin yes --â he breathed out, âcould have done without the man of hour, but lily evans -- i might just be in your debt--âÂ
evan blushed, he didnât like talking about his activities, even with frank. it felt too personal and he had been raised to be a gentleman, gentlemen didnât kiss and tell. he was happy to see his friend laugh however, and grinned with him but still felt the sting of embarrassment in his cheeks and ears. âit becomes much too complicated. Iâd agree that we shouldnât have to deny ourselves but i canât be her boyfriend, in that way, in secret. and iâm much too jealous a person to simply get a taste and leave, or to see her in the arms of someone else because i canât touch her in public. â he felt sick all of a sudden, even though heâd been so happy a moment before. âi donât regret it, no. but i wonder now if it makes sense to do anything like that again. wonât it just make it hurt more?â
âevan, you donât deserve to live your life in halves -- neither of you do--â the only person he would remarkably consider besides alice, it might have been hestia and if their past hadnât been so broken. would he have endured the same? could he live two lives? no. he could barely get by with the one and he couldnât imagine doing that to alice, they had actually gotten off on a good start.Â
âit will -- absolutely. itâs going to tear you apart little by little, because trust me -- youâre going to see her and youâre trying to be normal, but you keep thinking about the good olâ times before all the pain and tears --â he rambled, jones clearly creeping into his thoughts as he ran a hand though his hair and took a deep breath, this wasnât about him. he had a friend in clear distress, âi donât think you should continue -- not until you know where things are going to be with allaire, but your choices are your own. iâll tolerate you regardless --â he teased, smile at his lips.Â
the publication had shed light on many things but hestia wasnât usually a fan of the gossip rag. still, this one changed a fair few things for her and others, and likely not for the better. when sheâd read the news about frank, about his betrothal â-about how adorable he and alice were being already it shattered her. she had no right, no right at all to be upset and in the end she did want frank to be happy and content, to love someone the way she knew he could and hope that there was a girl out there who could reciprocate without fear. no, him being off the market as bertha called it wasnât what bothered here.
the issue was deeper, heâd just begged her to trust him, to believe in him to keep her safe and to take care of things. and for the first time in over a year sheâd said yes, sheâd given him her complete trust and felt the terror at her own vulnerability. and yet he had not, and would not, afford her the same. old wounds burst wide open, sheâd always given so much of herself and never saw it returned in full. and this felt like a betrayal, because he hadnât said a word, he hadnât trusted her enough to tell her this, he hadnât cared enough about her to let her know. because if he thought she had no feelings remaining for him heâd be wrong, and he was clever enough to realize that too.Â
in an effort not to be selfish, and not to further open herself up to pain and disappointment she avoided him, hovering in the hall before entering for breakfast. she was starving, still recovering from her fight with mulciber but sheâd starve herself before walking past frank receiving congratulations and talking about his wedding. she turned sharply on her heel, sheâd just go directly to the kitchens.
he didnât need to stay rooted in spot to know that it was her turning the corner sharply, unsurprisingly away from the buzzing crowd of the great hall, âexcuse me--â he muttered to the people around him as he took off -- quick to head down the hall, trying his bed to focus in on her in the crowd, âhestia --â he called, seeing the back of her head as he slowed down his steps till he was walking alongside her.Â
he had DREADED this moment -- he had tried to avoid this as much as possible, he didnât think that it was guilt -- it was just discomfort? he hadnât kept her blocked out of his life -- every interaction they have had till this moment, it was either a mess of arguments or a moment of understanding they had shared -- there was simply never the right time! or thatâs the cowardly reason he had told himself. he shouldnât have to feel this way -- like he had kept something, like he had to disclose the nitty gritty details of his personal life at this moment -- he had kept her out of it for good reason. he barely had it all sorted.Â
âhow are you?â he questioned, stupidest question he had ever asked in his life, but it seemed much better than âiâm sorry -- i should have told youâ or âoh hello, how do you feel about all of this?â he had nothing to apologize for-- she didnât want to be with him, after everything that had happened -- that seemed like the most rationale deduction.  he knew that and yet it was still all a mess of âshould iâ or ânopeâ, âwith your side? howâs it healing?â he questioned, genuine concern present as he couldnât shake the sight of the angry red scar.
âno, we havenât set a date yet -- thank you--â he muttered, a weary smile at his lips. the constant congratulations were streaming in with the new article out, bertha jorkins had been flattering to say the least. the girl hadnât really done anything wrong, but there it was -- his business out there and he should really find alice right about now. the boy was stressed to say the least, his hair an unruly mess as he tried to comb through the tangles with his fingers, a polite smile stretching at his lips.Â
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