Hello, my name is Velnas… I thinK?? I… really don’t have any memory of anything. Where am I? Why am I sleeping in a field? Gods I’m hungry. Why is it so bright out here? Uck I feel like I’m going to puke. Who is talking to me?
Oh… oh my… h-hello kind bicep- I mean stranger! Hello stranger! Thank you for helping me up out of the grass… you’re quite strong… do you work out? That’s a uh nice… sword. Your name is Chrom? Nice to meet you you beautiful creature… Your eyes are stunning. Is that my heartbeat? Does it always hammer like that?? Maybe I should lay back down and catch my breath. I’m fine, I’m fine, LORD WHO MADE YOU?? YOU’RE GORGEOUS. WERE YOU CARVED FROM MARBLE? I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU HAVE ONE ARM OUT BUT I CAN GET BEHIND IT. DON’T LOOK AT ME PRINCE CHARMING. I AM NOT WORTHY. Okay Velnas you need to calm down.
What a nice young woman. You’re Chrom’s younger sister? And you’re a healer? Oh no, no I’m fine. Velnas you really shouldn’t cause the young woman such worry. These people are taking you in to make sure you’re alright. You’ll be fine. You don’t remember anything, you know your name and that’s it. Great, good place to start. Wait, who’s looking at me funny?
OH SWEET DEAR LORDS IN THE HEAVENS SPANK ME. GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF VELNAS. CAN I CALL YOU DADDY? OH YOU’RE A KNIGHT? KNIGHT ME FROM BEHIND. I MEAN No, calm down. He’s worried you’re a spy of some sort. Breathe, calm down. Don’t look suspicious buT GOD LOOK AT HIM. SO PROPER, SO MANLY, CHOKE ME WITH YOUR ARMS AND ACCUSE ME FURTHER. BEND ME OVER AND TORTURE ME FOR INFORMATION. TAKE ME TO THE DUNGEONS AND FORCE ME TO TALK BY SLAPPING ME AND FORCING YOURSELF INTO MY MOU-
What? A village is under attack? Oh. I better help with that.
Okay. Village is safe. That was… scary. I guess I still know how to use a sword and magic. That’s good. And Frederick and Chrome helped me out quite a bit… Gods Frederick on a horse… Saving me. Yes swoop me up and I need sleeOH ANOTHER VILLAGE IS UNDER ATTACK OKAY I’M COMING YES FREDERICK I A OH YOU’RE JUST GOING TO LET ME RIDE ON YOUR HORSE WITH YOU I’LL JUST WRAP MY ARMS AROUND YOU A LITTLE TIGHTER OH GOOOOOODS YOU FEEL SO NICE no i don’t wnat to let go oh right monsters.
Oh we have more soldiers from Chrom’s company? That’s good! Who’s that in the dista-
HELLO SWEET LADY. THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME. THANK YOU FOR BEING ALIVE. Is that your natural hair color? Are you eyes that naturally gorgeous? Were you born from fierce aggression and perfection? Sully, oh god that’s a beautiful name… dopey look? No I’m not looking anyway! This is my face! I swear! Oh gods please don’t think I’m weird please don’t think I’m weird you’re so strong and fearsome and sh-sh-shapely… oh gods your thighs
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. Cover her backside… oh no her backs- MAGIC. MAGIC MAGIC. FIRE. THERE WE GO. See all you have to do is focus. Focus. She’s thanking you! See you’ve made a good impression! Of course I’ll fight alongside you even if you definitely don’t need me you wonderful, magical goddess… caniholdyourhand? UFHARG WHERE DID THAT ARROW COME FROM?
Whimpers. You… you saved me… you’re an archer…? Your hair is… oh mine is so messy… I didn’t have time to fix- what’s your name? Virion? You’re so well spoken… mu-must you speak so close to my neck? My knees aren’t shaking, yours are! Is it hot out here? Oh uh, nice to meet you too… sir. I could get used to calling you sir. I mean! Hello! Handshake! I can shake ha- oh you’re kissing my hand… and winking and… I’m going to faint again. I need to sit down, can I sit down on your lap? Sully, can I rest my head on your shoulder? Can you both just hold me for a while? Covermewiththosekissesyouputonmyhand. My pants feel small, oh please don’t look at mE.
BIG MONSTER BIG MONSTER PROTECT LOVES. MAGIC SWORD I KNOW HOW TO USE SWORDS OKAY OKAY OKAY OKya there. It’s dead. We’re going home? Where’s home? Sleeping? I could sleep.
Virion please don’t say we should share a bed. I’m already too tempted. Sully please take your arm off my shoulders. I’m trying so hard to keep it together, especially with Frederick keeping such a close eye on me. Chrom! Yes, hello! Oh you have a lovely kingdom! You’re lovely, I mean! Oh, Lissa, you want me to meet the other soldiers? Yes, okay! I need some air anyway.
I see beds! I could use a good nap. And maybe some stew? Lissa, so far you are the only one who doesn’t make me go weak in the knees, I think because you’re so young. Thank you for helping me.
Oh dear, did you fall down! I’m sorry, here let me help you up! Your name is Sumia? Very nice to meet you. Oh don’t be so worried, I’m probably more shy than you are! Oh no, I’m not hurt. I promise, no need to stress! Finally, another person who I don’t need to cleanse my thoughts about. Maybe I could have friends, I can have friends.
Who’s shout-
HELLO YOUNG LADY. MA’AM. YES I SHOULD CALL YOU MA’AM. MARIBELLE. I CALL YOU MARIBELLE I’M SORRY. OH GODS I’M SORRY. NO I’M NOT LOOKING. You smell so nice though. Your hair is so pretty. Pink looks so good on you. Fever? No I don’t have a fever. I’m just hungry! Yes hungry! Coughs. Clears throat. Alright, I’m fine. She’s pretty, but she’s a little snude, saving grace oh thank god.
Did… she just bring me soup? Nevermind. Let me care for you. I’ll watch over you for the rest of my days. No one shall touch a hair on your head. I’ll make sure nothing more than a scratch graces your beautiful, porcelain cheeks.
VELNAS STOP IT. YOU BARELY KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Ugh I have a headache. I just need to lay down. Pull myself together. Okay, your name is Velnas, you know magic, you know how to use a sword, Chrom has made you his new Tactician for the field, good starts, good starts?
Hmm? Oh yes, I would love some water thank-
NIPPLES. I MEAN CHEST. I MEAN HAPPY TRAIL. I MEAN HELLO. HELLO. THAT’S WHAT I MEANT. LAUGHS NERVOUSLY. HELLO VAIKE I AM THE NEW SEX SLAVE- I MEAN BOYTOY- I MEAN TACTICIAN. YES. TACTICIAN. WHY ARE YOU SHIRTLESS I DON’T CARE CAN I JUST STARE AT YOU?
Oh right you asked me if I wanted water. Yes I would like some, my head is just pounding. A hug? Oh I’m not sure if I like hug- YES I LIKE HUGS. OH IF YOU HUGGED ME ALL DAY I WOULD BE FINE WITH THAT. YOU’RE SO STRONG. CAN I RUB YOUR MUSCLES? CAN I KISS YOUR NECK? WILL YOU KISS MY NECK? WILL YOU KISS ME WHILE I STRADDLE YOUR LAP AND MOAN LEWDLY AGAINST YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU GRIP MY REAR WITH YOUR STRONG HANDS-
V E L N A S. We have to move out. We need to go back into the field. I am so tired. Are groins supposed to ache this horribly? Oh no more soldiers… please please please
Hello, Stahl! Hello! You’re cute, but not overwhelmingly so! Okay, I can do this! You’re a knight as well? Well I promise to take good care of you and the other soldiers! You are in capable hands! I’m hungry too! Haha, we’ll get along! Why yes, I do know magic… I’m still getting used to it though. Here I’ll fill you in while we march. There’s another mage? Oh, good! We could use more long distance users! That’s perfect. What’s her name? Miriel?
Hello Miriel! Phew, another cute person who I can handle. See, I’m okay! This land is just filled with attractive people. But I’m fine! Alright, we can win this battle. This will be easy! Thank you Miriel for sticking close, and thank you for bringing extra weapons. You’re quite helpful! See, I knew that battle would be easy. Good job everyone!
Ahhh after a long night’s sleep I feel much better! I hear we’re marching to a new kingdom today to take part in a tournament. We get new soldiers if we win? Excellent. I’ll put my best foot and mind forward! I found some new spells last night, so this should be fun. And I wouldn’t mind seeing everyone get a little sweaty and exerted… oh god Chrom looks good charging out like that… and Vaike looks sooooo good next to him… where’s my knight? Where’s Frederick? Oh, off being valiant with Sully I see… they make a good team… and Virion is so dashing running around… whimpers
Oh… we won? We won! Of course we won! Excellent planning? Oh thank you… you’re all too kind… it-it’s nothing… thank you. New solider? A swordsman? Yes, good! What’s his na-
SHRIEKS. SCREAMS INTERNALLY. GASPS QUIETLY. KNEES KNOCK. PLEA S E DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I was doing so WELL. I WAS SO CALM. WHY AM I CURSED. WHAT IS IN THE WATER AROUND HERE. YOUR NAME IS LON’QU OH YOU’RE A VIOLENT ONE. I mean, that’s that’s fine, I’m glad you can take direction. Okay, a skilled solider, good good good, anxious? No I’m not anxious. I’m just excited, NOT LIKE THAT. I SWEAR I AM A DECENT MAN. WAIT AM I? OH GODS PLEASE JUST STEP ON ME, TREAT ME LIKE A COMPLETE IMBECILE AND CALL ME ALL SORTS OF HORRID NAMES. GLARE AT ME MORE, YES JUST LIKE THA-
MARIBELLE IS IN TROUBLE? We are going to save my love! I am so sorry my princess! I am so sorry to have let trouble befall you!! I am a bad suitor! I don’t even care there are a thousand armed knights out here! I’m going full force to save her!! Don’t worry Maribelle, here I come!! I am here, you are safe now! Pass out? No I’m not goin- oh… I guess that is a wound… you all look so blurry…
Where am I? Back in the kingdom? Oh hello, Chrom, my prince. You look dashing as always. Sighs happily. What about an attack? Oh, an attack?! I’m up! I’m moving!! Alright, alright, I went in too strong earlier, but my head is completely here now! Alright, Chrom, you take Sully and take care of the creepy looking guy down there giving me weird looks. Virion, you and Vaike take the upper levels! Who else is here?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?! YOU’RE A CHILD. WHERE IS YOUR BABY SITTER. WELL IF YOU SAY YOU’RE CAPABLE… BUT I’M KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU!! JESUS WHO LET THE TWELVE YEAR OLD OUT HERE?!?! Alright, I don’t want you getting hurt, so you’re going to stick right next to me, okay? You and I are going to go deal with the thief running around. Maybe if we convince him gently enough he’ll come over to our side. I wonder what he’s stealing.
STEALING MY HEART APPARENTLY HE-LLO FIRE CROTCH. HOW ARE YOU DOING? So you’re the thief? Well, well ,well I like that lace trim you got there. Nice gloves, what have you had your dirty little hands on lately? Those pants are awfully tight on you aren’t there, you delectable little S&M dreamboat? Why don’t you follow me to the dungeons after this and I’ll give you a proper punishment? I’ll bend you over my knee and tie your pretty little mouth off with that headban-
O MY GOD VELNAS. YOU ARE SICK. YOU ARE SICK. Well at least he’s agreed to come over to your side! Alright, alright! Good, so uh Gaius was it? Alright, please stay with this young child. I’m going to go try and assist Chrom! Wait who is that fighting beside him?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. WOUNDED I HAVE BEEN WOUNDED. AM I BLEEDING? DOES IT LOOK BAD? I’M NOT HURT. OH GODS IT FEELS LIKE I’VE BEEN HURT. MY HEART. HURTS. THOSE EYES. THOSE LIPS. THAT B-BOD..Y DO YOU HAVE A TAIL? ARE THOSE EARS? HALFLING? YOU TURN INTO A BUNNY? WHY DOES YOUR BAD ATTITUDE TURN ME ON SO?? TELL ME I AM WORTHLESS!! I AM NOT WORTHY!! I AM BENEATH YOU!! OH SWEET PANNE I AM BUT YOUR LOYAL SERVANT AND WISH ONLY TO BE BESIDE YOU IN BATTLE! YOU DESERVE ONLY THE BEST, I WILL PROTECT YOU. I AM LEWD, I HAVE SINNED, PLEASE FORGIVE ME I WAS BLIND I WANT ONLY Y-
Oh… I guess we won?
Alright, so it’s been a few days. So far I’ve made some friends and they have no idea the terrible things that go through my head. We’re moving out again and transporting the Exalt today. I need to be on my toes. I need to meet with the captain of the Pegasus Knights and-
ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Okay no, stay calm. You are supposed to be calm. You need to discuss strategy with this woman. She is a well respected officer and-
Is… is she flirting with me? Was that her leg that she just rubbed against me? Is… is her hand on my thigh? Well Ms. Cordelia… how bold of you? Tell me, what are you doing this evening? Your hair is such a lovely shade of red and your legs look absolutely stunning in those boots. I would love to hold your hand over dinner and kiss your fingertips. You are such a darling. I shouldn’t be flirting, but I’ve been so tortured you see. This country is just filled with attractive people. Perhaps I could indulge a little… would it be too rude if I kissed you… just on the cheek?
CHROM. CHROM I WASN’T DOING ANYTHING. I SWEAR. We have to move?! Alright! I’m going!! Cordelia and I were just talking!! Yeah talking!! Velnas, you need to stop this. You need to be professional! Astute! We have a rescue mission!
WHO KEEPS ALLOWING EVERY CHILD INTO THE BATTLE FIELD? Hello, sweetheart! I’m here to help yo- DRAGON. BIG DRAGON. OH GODS OH LORDS YOU’RE A DRAGON OKAY. You’re how old??? OVER A THOUSAND??? You still look remarkably young, so I’m a little worried… with reason I suppose. You seem quick to tears, but you’re safe now. Don’t worry, you’re going to be okay. Of course you can stay close to me, you don’t need to be scared. See, everything’s alright? We need to keep moving towards the desert. Our queen is in trouble, so if you’re able I need all the help I can get! Thank you, Miss Nowi. You’re too kind.
Alright, let’s save the Exalt! Full arms ah-
YOU ARE MISSING SOME CLOTHES THERE MISS. I AM ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO AVERT MY EYES. PLEASE STOP STARING AT ME OHHH PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH MY ARM. M-My name is Velnas… please don’t stand so close. You’re scaring me. Are you always so grim and uhm… dark? I feel uneasy. I am glad you want to help but please, help over by Chro-
Oh no. That… that was a bad cut. I can’t feel my leg. Why did I send my healers so far ahead? Lissa and Maribelle can’t hear me. Maybe, maybe I can- ow no, I can’t move. Oh gods… please don’t let me die out here. I’m bleeding to death. Someone… help
…
You are beautiful. I have never seen such a magnificent creature. Please, grace me with your name. Libra? Oh what a gorgeous name. My dear sir, you are too beautiful to be human. Are you an angel? Are you sent from the heavens? Did I die and you’re here to guide me up? No? You healed me? Th-Thank you… oh thank you… I didn’t realize I was in the presence of such a holy man I-I’m sorry… Please forgive me… I’m sorry I have truly been sinful lately… My mind has… I hope you can’t read my mind. You’re so warm, thank you for carrying me. You’re so strong, your hair smells so nice. I could sleep in your arms. Would you mind so terribly? I’m not bleeding but my leg feels so sore… and you make me feel so safe… even if I hardly know you. Forgive my brashness.
Oh lords, must you speak so sweetly to me? I don’t deserve such kind words. Your voice is so gentle. I could listen to it forever, it’s so smooth, so deep. Thank you for taking care of me, I’ve been so tired, so hungry. I haven’t been resting much. I’m so confused as to who I am, but I feel secure here. Keep talking, I’m listening, I just need to close my eyes…
How long was I asleep? The exalt is… oh no Chrom… I’m so sorry… We’ll avenge her I promise. We’ll take down the mad king who killed her and right what’s been wrong. It’s okay… it’s okay, go ahead and cry, I’ll hold you. I’ll keep you safe. Tomorrow is a new day.
Alright men, let’s move out and kill the bastard who brought this hardship. We have a new mountain guide so listen to her and-
Oh… oh come on… now is nOT THE TIME FOR THAT. I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND BUT MY JUNK SAYS OTHERWISE. WHY WHY IN THE GODS NAME MUST I BE CURSE. Oh you’re a dancer are you, well isn’t that just NICE?? YES BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS. You know what, I’m starting to think I died in that field. I think I did. I think I died and this is my purgatory meant to test me. Who else would wear a leotard with sheer tights? I am just surrounded by attractive people I can’t have. So you know what, fine. I’ll go ahead and sin! I’m not going to touch her, because rude, but fine! I’ll stare at everyone I want! ShAMELESSLY. Oh Sully, you look nice today! Virion dashing as ever! Oh hello Frederick, would you like to FUCK ME LATER WITH VAIKE?
Oh…hi Libra.Yes. I’m doing well. I just didn’t sleep well… I suppose… no I’m fine really. Th-Thank you… I’ll be focused I promise. I don’t need to be healed, thank you for the concern, I’m so sorry I troubled you.
-About a year later-
WELL I STILL DON’T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT MYSELF. Sighs. At least I’ve gotten stronger. I’m better with a sword, my magic has greatly improved. And you know what, I’ve gotten past my fluster! I mean, I still think everyone is gorgeous, absolutely, but I’m okay! I feel more confident… at least a little…
Oh, we have a messenger? Alright, send her in-
YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. U-Uh h-hello miss how are you today? There’s a new threat overseas? O-Oh yes of course, I’ll come along to fight! Yes, yes absolutely! Oh gods I’d follow you anywhere, I would follow that backline towards the Hells if I had to, oh sweet merciful Naga please allow me to- NO NO NO I AM NOT ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN TO MYSELF AGAIN. NO NO NO NO. I AM NOT AN ANIMAL. YOU ARE STRONG VELNAS. YOU. ARE. STRONG.
Breathes heavily. Just… pick up your magic again.
-Several battles and plot twists later.-
So… apparently I’ve been the vessel for an evil dragon the entire time. I was sent back in time by myself, my father is trying to kill me, I’m trying to kill myself and vice versa, and I’m supposed to kill my other half to save the world.
…
YEP MY LIFE IS GREAT. OH AND WE’RE GETTING HELP FROM AN OLD ENEMY ARE WE. SPLENDID. BRING HIM ON IN.
…I’m not even going to question myself anymore. Just fuck me and get it over with. I’m going to die anyway, might as well not die a virgin.
-Epilogue-
I HAVE NO CLUE HOW I MADE IT OUT OF THAT ONE ALIVE, BUT I DID. MAYBE I CAN FINALLY FUCKING RELAX.
…I’m happy for Chrom… I’m glad he was able to accept the Exalt’s death. He makes a great king. I’m happy he’s found such peace in a saved world. He’s still so handsome… but I’m glad he’s happy with Sully. They were too kind to name me the godfather. I feel honored to be his best friend.
Oh, hello Frederick! How is Cordelia doing? Are you two well? Please, tell me, how is your daughter? Is she well? She still has that fever, hmm… poor thing… I hope she gets better soon. You should send her over to Lissa and Lon’qu if she doesn’t.
Lunch time! Goodness I’m starving. I’ve been so busy today. Oh so sweet, did Maribelle cook lunch for Gaius? Brady is getting so big, he must be almost two… he looks so much like his father. I thought red hair was a recessive gene, I suppose not. What an adorable family. When did he learn to walk so well, don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall, go to your daddy, there you go little one. Good job.
Afternoon Olivia! Give Henry my best! I still can’t quite believe she and Henry of all people worked out… but she’s happy. I’m glad for her. I guess Dark Mages and Dancers go hand in… hand? Oh who knows. I don’t question these things anymore.
I need to find something to wear for Virion and Panne’s wedding this weekend. I know they said I didn’t need to worry about dressing up fancy, but it would be a nice gesture. I think Vaike invited me to sit with him and Miriel? If not I can always sit with Nowi… as long as I don’t need to be near Tharja… that girl still scares me…
…I’m happy for everyone, I really am. I’m glad everything turned out so well. Everyone looks so happy, all my friends can have their happy endings without worry now. I’m… I’m happy. I’m glad I sacrificed what I did to save this. …I am…
“Oh… good afternoon, Libra. Would you like to sit with me?”
