(Un)Fettered

Connected to www.freelyfettered.wordpress.com: A blog discussing kink, religion, sex, gender, and romantic and sexual orientations via personal, academic, and news sources.

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#1384: "Was I stating a boundary, or was I abusing?"

#1384: “Was I stating a boundary, or was I abusing?”

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Testing

It’s been a while, I’m trying this out to see what happens.

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#1083 and #1084: Nazis Are Beyond Awkward, Do Not Engage.

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My Fellow White People, Here's One Simple Trick You Can Do About Racism TODAY!

My Fellow White People, Here’s One Simple Trick You Can Do About Racism TODAY!

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Belief

TW/CN: Mentions of abuse, childhood abuse, gaslighting, rape, sexual assault

I’ve been contemplating things like why I am not working and researching and writing, even though I know I could at least research and write (the working part is often more doubtful, depending on type of job and how my body is feeling at any given time).

And, due to recent events with a now-not metamour, I’ve been…

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The Pastoral is Political: The Church IS Political

The Pastoral is Political: The Church IS Political

Source: The Pastoral is Political: The Church IS Political

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The truth

of my life is that no one wants to be my friend. Which sounds pathetic or seeking or whatever, but is actually just true.

I have to beg to get anyone to hang out with me. And then, even then, mostly they back out or cancel. And sometimes they don’t even tell me.

I have lost every friend except one at this point. And they’re all gone for good reasons–one raped my wife; one was abusing me; two…

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Feeling Violated

TW/CN: rape, sexual assault

I’ll put this behind a cut, just in case.

(more…)

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Struggling with Privilege and Guilt

Struggling with Privilege and Guilt

I’m going to be talking about my own struggles with disability, brokeness, unemployment, white guilt, and social justice work–especially as it concerns moving finances from white people to POC.

I believe deeply in reallocating resources from white people to POC. I believe in reparations–that they must be made, that we have so far to go, that wealth gaps are real, that disparities in pay and…

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Achy Body

I am exhausted.

It’s 2 a.m., so that’s maybe not a surprise?

But also, I’ve been sleeping a lot. I don’t know if this is still shingles-related, or depression-related, or just my-body-hurts-related. It’s hard to tell. I’m still on the retroviral, at a lowered dose, to fight off PHN. Every time my eyelid swells or I see a bump above my eye or my right side of my head itches, I get a little tense…

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Everything is gray

And I’m getting that broken glass under my skin feeling again.

Normally I would try to talk with my wife about this, but I feel like I can’t, because she needs to heal, and this is so early for her.

And Scott has so much on him.

God damn the person who hurt my wife.  Who hurt us all, but my wife is the center.

Feeling isolation urges, trying to fight them, but also right now basic care is hard.

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CW/TW: suicidal ideation, sexual assault, rape, abuse

CW/TW: suicidal ideation, sexual assault, rape, abuse

I haven’t written since July. I should probably write, because I am in a bad place.

(more…)

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It wasn't like that.

It wasn’t like that.

CN/TW: abuse/ipv

  (more…)

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TW/CN: Abuse/IPV/manipulation

I’m letting the title stand as my trigger warning here because I’m going to be writing about some things that have happened over the past month and years. I was in an abusive relationship. It didn’t get physically abusive, but toward the end I was afraid that it might. I need to write about it. It might come out disjointed. I’ll probably talk about my remaining partners’ experiences and feelings…

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Anger and Stories This image lives on my desktop. It's not my background, but it lives as an icon, a thumbnail reminder to myself.

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Gun Violence and Missouri

Gun Violence and Missouri

Dear Legislators,

SB 656 has very real and terrifying connotations for me.

I am a white, cisgender, married woman in her thirties. I’m educated; I’m Christian. I love my family very much–and that’s where the first issue comes in.

My wife is very precious to me. She is my rock, my partner, my strength. Since I met her, I have not be able to imagine my life without her.

She’s also transgender.

Norm…

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Expectation

Expectation weighs me down, freezes me, stops me in my tracks.

I am terrified of people expecting things of me.

I am terrified I will let them down. I am terrified I will disappoint them. I’m terrified I won’t do it ‘right,’ whatever ‘it’ is.

I’m smart. I know I’m smart. But I am afraid to try for any further schooling, because I am afraid of what that means. If I do that…then I have expectations…

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